Blanket training is baby gaslighting: How narcissistic bully parents Ferberize and groom babies to expect abuse

 

Hello my friends. Today in our quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring some abusive practices we don't talk enough about. I'm going to show how they create the very trauma that we spend the rest of our lives struggling with. I'm talking about blanket training, Ferberizing, "cry it out", locking children in rooms, and other need or want shaming techniques. These punishments are baby gaslighting and grooming and they have disastrous affects. 

Need shaming techniques

The Origins: To Train Up a Child

The modern concept of blanket training was popularized by Michael and Debi Pearl in their 1994 book, To Train Up a Child.

• The Method: The Pearls instructed parents to place an infant (as young as six months) on a blanket with a few toys. If the child attempted to move off the blanket, the parent was told to "train" them back using a "rod"—typically a flexible ruler or a plastic plumbing tube—to strike the child.

• The Goal: The explicitly stated goal was to achieve "instant, unquestioning obedience" and to "break the child's will" before they were old enough to reason.

• Expansion: The method was further amplified through the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP), an organization that heavily influenced large homeschooling families like Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of "19 Kids and Counting" reality TV fame. 

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Historical Precedents

While the Pearls "branded" the term in the 90s, the logic behind it draws from two earlier historical shifts:

1. The 19th-Century Industrial Model: In the mid-1800s, as mothers began working in factories, parenting manuals (like those by Dr. Luther Emmett Holt) began emphasizing strict schedules and "crying it out". The idea was to make babies "convenient" for a working adult's schedule.

2. Anti-Coddling Movement (1920s): Behaviorists like John Watson argued that parents should treat children like young adults—avoiding hugging or kissing—to prevent them from becoming "weak" or "spoiled." Blanket training is a modern, more extreme evolution of this "anti-coddling" philosophy.

Ferberizing (The "Check and Console" Method)

While "blanket training" is about physical confinement during the day, Ferberizing is a popular behavioral sleep training technique focused on the night. It was developed by Dr. Richard Ferber, founder of the Pediatric Sleep Disorders Center at Children's Hospital Boston.

• The Method: Often called "graduated extinction," this involves putting a baby to bed while they are still awake and leaving the room. If the baby cries, the parent waits for a specific, increasing interval of time (e.g., 5 minutes, then 10, then 15) before returning to the room to provide brief comfort without picking the baby up.

• The Intent: The goal is to teach the child "self-soothing"—the ability to fall asleep and return to sleep without parental intervention.

• The Controversy: Critics, particularly those in the attachment parenting and trauma-informed communities, argue that infants do not actually "self-soothe" (a complex neurological skill). Instead, they may experience "learned helplessness." From a trauma perspective, the baby stops crying not because they are calm, but because they have learned that their distress signals will not be answered—a core component of the "baby gaslighting." 

Baby gaslighting

As a parent and grandparent, (I'm Omi, grandma, in Dutch) these practices are abhorrent to me. But it took me till Omi-hood to get why they were wrong for ME. That's how the childhood trauma brain processes parent cruelty, as "good enough for who it's for." And THAT is how it starts, by deceiving kids into thinking normal needs are shameful, evil, selfish. It is completely anathema to God's commands to love children. 

Triggering but also eye-opening

And my dear ones, this is so triggering. I'm writing this with my jaws clamped firmly shut to keep the rage I have for these in check. Like I've said before, words don't fail me, but nice ones do. And part of that anger is aimed at how insidious these sadistic ideas are. They have leaked into mainstream parent wisdom like poison in the river. I realize that I have done "lite" versions of them, believing I was obeying some God mandated thing.

The sick, twisted legacy 

I confess to spanking my first three children as part of what I believed to be God's will. I was also under the influence of my narcissistically abusive parents who spanked and slapped me. The difference is, that at least, I made it clear to my kids why I spanked them. Whereas I never knew why I was getting hit. And it was made more complicated by my parents and stepparents who TOLD me I should spank my kids and THEN told my children it was wrong and THEN lied and said they never hit  me. I never spanked because "it was good enough for me so it's good enough for you." I spanked because my parents said I was disobeying God if I didn't. I'm not justifying why I did it. Just showing the horrible legacy. 

"Train up a child" trauma informed explanation

The Bible says "train up a child in the way that he should go and he won't depart from it." What is implied is "train up a child in ANY WAY and she won't depart from it." Lead a child astray and she'll follow trustingly because you are her parent. Put a millstone around her neck and she'll jump over the cliff because daddy told her to. Make yourself a god to her, deceive, betray, enslave, invalidate, gaslight, abuse, neglect, exploit, parentify, endanger, abandon her and she'll spend the rest of her life defending you and trying to figure out what SHE did wrong. We are well and truly groomed, gaslighted and Ferberized to comply. 

Spare the rod, spoil the child,  no seriously

I'm wondering if maybe God was saying, "no I really mean, spare the rod." I don't want you hitting animals let alone kids. It certainly fits more with this image of a loving God. Or is it just more narcissist gaslighting? The love and mercy is for me while the hellfire and brimstone is for thee. That certainly would fit their hypocritical, self-righteous double standards. But it's all wrong, says God. Children need love, hugs, tickles and giggles. 

Why else have kids if not to love them?

Why have your "19 Kids and Counting" if you just plan to subjugate them? Even in the "old days" when people had big families, supposedly to "run the farm" or whatever. If you had fewer kids, you'd have fewer mouths to feed. Do the math. Children are supposed to bring joy by who they are not what they provide. Mmmhmm, there it is. Narcissistic parents believe a lot of hogwash. 

• They own their kids. (they don't)
• It's the child's job to do provide narcissistic supply for them. (it's  not)
• They owe nothing, the kid owes everything. (wrong, wrong)
• The narcissist thinks it's all about them. But it's not. That's just narcissistic fantasy