Okay so having read this title, let me just clarify. I am a Catholic Christian (raised in a variety of fundamentalists churches). The sacrament of confession (reconciliation, penance) is essential to our faith. And I just realized why I've had such a problem with it over the years since converting. Actually there are several reasons. And it's not what you think. And protestant private confession is a problem too. In fact it's even worse. And it's also not for the reasons you think. I will go so far as to say that it's unBiblical done the way most Christians do it.
We're told by ministers and priests that the reason we don't want to confess sin is that we are arrogant and proud. We don't want to bend our stiff necks. My arrogant narcissist parents loved to attack me with that one (though they never confessed anything they did as wrong. This is important and we'll come back to it) But in my case nothing could be further from the truth. I was always confessing my sin. Because I was told I was at fault for pretty much everything. I took the blame for everyone's bad choices even those in which I was the only one hurt by them.
I poured out my sins to God as a good little protestant girl. I grieved over them. My parents would browbeat me with all the ways I was letting them, their new partners and kids, down. So I had a lot to confess, I assumed. Although funnily enough I was never sure exactly what I had done. That part has always been shrouded in the confusion of gaslighting. I just begged God to make me a better person so I could somehow do all they expected of me. Not so they'd love me, mind. I always knew I was pathetically unlovable.
So initially upon conversion to Catholicism, I loved the sacrament of reconciliation. I confessed all kinds of things I hadn't done that others said I did. I never gave myself the benefit of the doubt or acknowledged that most of the "wrong" I did was after unbearably antagonizing provocation. I was afraid it would sound like I'm afraid it will sound to you, and what I was told I was doing, just making excuses. I never got any help dealing with those extenuating circumstances. I was just told to do right and not to worry about what others did to me.
My dad would actually say "it doesn't matter what anyone does to you. You have to be perfect." If I said someone else started it, they'd just say "two wrongs don't make a right" and carry on in their arrogant, irresponsible ways. As I look back, they were the ones drawing first blood persecuting me, expecting outrageously impossible things of me that they never did and then punishing me if I wasn't complying to their unpleasable standards.
No pressure there. And they themselves set terrible examples holding grudges, blamed everyone else for their choices, claiming forgiveness for sins he'd never confessed and viciously punishing anyone who crossed them. While I just kept screwing up because I couldn't be perfect (though I will say I did a pretty damn good job trying). And I got more and more suicidal in the frustration of taking it all on myself. If I'm honest, priests have often just perpetuated the gaslighting of my narcissistic parents.
And that would be bad enough. But then factor in a basic flaw with any kind of confession to someone other than the injured party or just "in private" as protestants call it. A flaw that goes against God's instruction. Simply put, we're doing it wrong if our sins have wronged another and we only tell God. And all of them do. We say we're sorry, get our absolution and go on our way "cleansed" and free. But we never CONFESS THEM TO THE PEOPLE WE HURT. That's not even built in to any denomination approach. But it should be.
In fact, I've heard people say, "I don't have to tell anyone else what I did because (wait for it) I told God." If that's not a recipe for arrogant bullies to go on hurting unchecked, I don't know what is. It's also complete anathema to scripture which tells us to go and make it right with the person you wronged. HUMBLE yourself and admit the crap you put them through. AND they pompously claim to be excused carte blanche because "Jesus died for me" so how dare you question me?? Are you doubting God??
Now they have the upper hand, they believe. They can go on doing exactly as they do hurting others but it's all good because Jesus forgives sin. No one can touch them especially not the people they have wronged. All they have to do is say they are forgiven and you have to also. They don't have to mend their ways or even actually apologize. No one can prove they didn't, they think. But we don't have to. They have proved it by their self-righteous, hypocritical entitled and wrong claim of exoneration. And by their complete disobedience to God's command to "confess to one another what you did wrong" and to "leave your gift and go confess to them." And to "go and sin no more."
Jesus has not forgiven them because they have not repented. Even just admitting you did something wrong (and arrogant people won't even do that) is only a start. Without contrition, sorrow, a statement of resolve to stop, actions to do so and making amends (penance) it's not confession. It's a joke. Jesus can forgive the penitent but not the arrogant. And He doesn't guarantee to remove all earthly consequence, just eternal damnation. If you stole money you'll still be arrested and charged with theft. If you committed adultery, you still will face anger, divorce, etc., confession or not. Jesus may forgive you but that doesn't mean you spouse has to or maybe even should
He doesn't even remove the consequences OTHERS suffer from our bad behavior. My parents ill-treated me all my life and I have the scars to prove it. I trauma nightmare every single night. I have concomitant health issues: CPTSD, chronic anxiety and fear, shame, structural damage and brain damage from unmanageable stress cortisol, constant triggering of trauma responses and a host of others. No of that was taken away. And they waltz away scot free, feeling completely absolved of sin yet they never once even admitted all the wrong they did to me. Even if they did, even if I "forgave" them (whatever that means) it doesn't heal the scars.
They talk like it's only God they hurt. So it's only to him they have to confess. God Himself disagrees. We hurt Him by the way we treat each other. That's why the majority of commandments, injunctions, laws, beatitudes and fruits of the spirit focus on our treatment of people. He says that whatever we do to others we do to Him. He wants us to humble ourselves, change our hard hearts and be nice. So confession to God without confession to others especially our victims is making a mockery of God.
So Catholic confession is better, but still misses the boat if the penitent doesn't address the people he hurt. And all too often, that's not even mentioned. Even the penance doesn't address it. It's like we who were hurt have to just accept whatever was done (and continues to be done) like it's all good because they went to confession. Or worse yet got "down on their knees before God in their little prayer closet." Neato you told God but you never told the victim. Now you feel so much better, hurrah. Meanwhile I'm left with all the suffering and knowing you'll probably do it again because you have so many times before. And I'm supposed to keep hoping you'll try harder when you've just been basically told you're good to go.
So confession actually harms the victim more because now they're supposed to forgive like God when they never had even the satisfaction of being humbled to and acknowledged to, how they were hurt. So still, all the work falls to the victim. She has to repeatedly suffer the consequences of others' bad choices, pretend it's not happening, keep rolling over, hoping against hope, trusting, giving a million and one chances to someone who has proved repeatedly that they have no intention of changing.
She doesn't even get the respect and courtesy of being admitted and confessed to what harm was done to her, what was said in what was confession because of some "seal of the confessional" gaslighting nonsense. Well I don't think that privacy applies to their victims and I'm pretty sure God doesn't either. And anyone that would use as an excuse to confront the ones they hurt, is not humble or contrite. They just want the absolution without the work. And then very often, because that person is already arrogant and ungrateful, they are also very unforgiving themselves. They blame other people for their bad choices. I think that's a lot of power to give someone who has not earned it.
To do the sacrament of reconciliation correctly, the priest should tell the penitent that absolution is conditional on him going to the people he hurt and confessing, apologizing and making amends to them. None of this three Hail Marys business. No disrespect to the Blessed Mother but it wasn't her he harmed either. And I think Our Lady agrees. I think she takes the part of the victims. God says he doesn't want our sacrifices and burnt offerings, but a contrite heart. I know that if I have wronged someone, you can be darn sure I won't just tell it to a priest or the wall. I go to the one I wronged because I feel sorrow for hurting them. I certainly wouldn't smugly tell them they have to forgive me if I haven't even admitted what I did to them.