Rules shell-shocked kids of dark tetrad parents need to break in order to heal

 Hello it's me again with more on healing narcissistic dark tetrad parent abuse (if that's actually possible). Today I'm adding to my previous lists of rules shell-shocked kids of dark tetrad parents need to break in order to begin healing. Most of them are going to fly in the face of  "received wisdom." You will most likely be scolded on some level if you actually do them. But they are critical nonetheless. 

And on that note, you always have to ask yourself, if someone is scolding you, what is their angle? What are they getting out of shaming you? Because healthy adults don't find fault with other adults. They just don't. They don't shame children either. They guide by example. They help. They do themselves, mind their own business and deal with the board in their own eye. But that's what our dysfunctional and dark tetrad parents never did. They humiliated and scorned us. They blamed us for their bad choices. They were raging hypocrites with endless double standards. You don't have to show up for shaming. You can just walk away. So on to the rule-breaking. That's the first one. 

Ignore "helpful" advice that hurts. Read the red flags it's putting up. Learn to recognize the smug, self-righteous shaming it is. Even if it just feels a little blame-shaming. If you've lived with cruel, manipulative, arrogant, psychopathic dark tetrads, you've lived with enough of that already. In fact, you probably are so used to it that you don't see it for the abuse it is. 

Retaliate. Yes I just said that and I didn't stutter. You will hear that it's wrong, that you're lowering yourself to their standards, yada yada. You've probably told yourself to be the bigger person because you've heard this toxic positive advice for so long. But the people who are saying that have not lived under a dark tetrad parent's reign of terror. What they are preaching are rules of engagement for fair fights which this is not.  Sometimes the only way to stop destructive behavior is to fight fire with fire. To burn bridges and then get the hell out of Dodge. But having said that, 

Define terms yourself. And so as you might imagine, what you'll hear is retaliating actually isn't. What I mean by it is to fight back and quit rolling over for abuse. Get out of the path of Hurricane Dark Tetrad and seek shelter. Cut them out of your life as soon as is humanly possible. You will be told by them and their flying monkeys that this is cruel punishment. Because they want you enslaved to them and hating yourself. They get off on your misery. 

Trust yourself. See the red flags for what they are. We poor kids of dark tetrad parents have been hoodwinked into thinking we are broken and should not trust ourselves. That we should let them push us around and hurt us because they're entitled to. All my life I've driven my little life car right past barricades and stop signs into hellish danger. BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME TO. They groomed me to hurt myself and let others hurt me. My husband has marveled at how much pain I endured without even realizing what they were doing. 

Disrespect and disobey them. They aren't your parents if they are hurting you. They are nasty, exploitative bullies. Real loving parents protect their children from people like this. Respecting them is disrespecting yourself. Obeying their haughty demands is harming you. Being disloyal to dangerous people is a good thing. 

Break confidences. Don't keep their dirty secrets anymore. Tell your side of the story.  Get help.  And if the first person you tell doesn't listen, keep talking till you find someone who does. If they gaslight you, cut them out too. Tell a compassionate person that too, that you tried to get help and were shamed for it. I'm better at telling you than doing it myself. Because it's too late for me. I just powered through and kept it all inside where it toxified into self-shaming and gaslighting. But please, don't wait till you're 60 years old to get out and get help. If you need someone to tell you that you deserve better, please let it be me.

Be vindictive. Vindicate means to make right. To clear someone of blame. These boundary crashers have been trampling all over you and your right to love and care. They've blamed you for their bad actions. They've stolen your personhood and cheated you out of all good things. Get your own self back. Put them in their place and get them out of yours. Take back what they took. Vindicate yourself by setting right what they wronged. 

Punish them. Again, it's not actual punishment. That's what they'll whine that you're doing but it's actually just holding them accountable to consequences of their behavior. It's not tolerating or cleaning up their messes anymore. The only way to stop them is to stop them. If they're depriving you, tell someone. If they've stolen from you, demand it back. Take them to court if need be. If they're abusing you, tell someone who can help you and and enforce those consequences. One of the many abusive things my mom and stepdad did was to kick me out at 16. And continue living off my child support. I spent my life thinking I deserved it. I didn't. And I should have told someone in authority because they'd have done the things I couldn't about it. And if they couldn't fix it, at least they'd have reassured me that it wasn't my fault, that parents can't legally and shouldn't morally evict minor kids. They'd have saved me some of the shame.

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