Healing CPTSD by finally seeing parents' dark triad and dark tetrad personalities

Hello my friends. The first response I get when people hear my backstory of abuse from four narcissistic parents is, "what kind of parent does that??" or "What parents doesn't provide that for their child?" And those are excellent questions. How does a parent treat a child as I've been treated and call themselves a parent? But it took me a lifetime to realize what lay behind the intense pain I felt. 

Having just come to terms that it was abuse and not just their version of love, I'm still working to answer that. Narcissism, and other cluster B personality disorders seemed to fit the bill, sort of. What makes it more difficult is that I lived with not one or two but four self-centered, hurtful parents, or as I now call them authority figures (two bio and their two new partners). 

Each manifested a little differently, my father being more grandiose with some covert, his wife, covert, my mother grandiose, covert and malignant and her husband just a raging maniac. But narcissism didn't alone didn't cover the many levels of systematic abuse (physical, emotional, medical, financial, religious and sexual), neglect, endangerment, abandonment, shaming, invalidation, enmeshment, exploitation, manipulation, parentification, bullying, scapegoating, double standards for them and their "real" families, exclusion of yet dependence on me and gaslighting about it all. Which could in part been a result of abuse from all sides but still didn't quite fit.

I just recently learned two terms which do: dark triad and dark tetrad  personalities. Dark triad is narcissist (entitled and manipulative, Machiavellian (deceptive, exploitative, self-serving) and psychopathic (purposely harmful, aggressive). Dark tetrad adds sadism, or deriving pleasure from the suffering they cause. And when I look at my parents, especially my mother and father, through this lens, boy, do things become clear. My dad ticked most of the boxes for dark triad and my mother ticks all the boxes for dark tetrad. And then when they remarried, they chose new partners with similarly nasty personalities and they all fed off each other. 

I've been told that I can't "diagnose" these things. Well, I sure can tell you what I saw (all these behaviors manifested since my inception) I can say what it was like to live with (miserable), what they did (countless cruel things) and how they treated me (abominably) . How it made me feel (confused, ashamed, suicidal) and how I struggle now with CPTSD from all the suffering. So diagnosis or not, THAT is my story. and mine alone. I know from a life of experience what it's like to live with dark triad and dark tetrad parents. 

I'm just some college student latching on to psychology terms and twisting them to fit. Hell, I studied and have a degree in psychology and I never once considered how what they did fit to a T, these clinical patterns I was studying. I have a background in child abuse and neglect and I never saw myself in it even though the writing was clear on the wall. It took me 60 years to get to this realization. The lies, deceit, gaslighting and manipulation are very potent. But now that I do see, I will never be able to unsee. I'm a little late to the party but better late than never. 

What radical acceptance of CPTSD from dark tetrad parents means to me

 Hi friends. We're in the midst of a blizzard in Michigan and that reminds me how dark tetrad (narcissistic, psychopathic, exploitative, sadistic) parental abuse is like a blizzard of hurt and shame. Like the winter winds, it comes from all sides in their cult of pain. If they divorce and marry other narcissists or dark triads (which mine did), it is a vortex, a whiteout of abuse for their scapegoat. For more on my back story, you can read previous posts. Today I'm exploring more on how radical acceptance is the root of healing from the CPTSD this causes. 

I wrote recently that acceptance is not approval of. It's more honest recognition of. It is affirmation of my own version of events, not their deceitful ones. It also means finally hearing, embracing, comforting, supporting and nurturing the many damaged women in me. My lonely 4 y//o self, my terrified 6 y/o, sexually abused me at 8, parentified and overworked 12 y/o, abandoned 16 y/o, conned 21 y/o, scammed 36 y/o, manipulated 41 y/o to name a few. A group of ladies in need reside in me. And what they need and have always needed is recognition. 

I think the place we have to begin with accepting that what they gaslit us into believing was love and family was harm and danger, for us. We weren't loved, we were used. We were not disobedient, a burden, a nuisance. They were disobedient to God in not caring for us. What they said were our many duties and obligations were them exploiting and working us to death. So we all have to start over, to go back to the beginning and to rethink it all. 

A wise priest once said to me that anyone who doesn't have my best interests at heart doesn't love me. Well my (our ) parents and stepparents certainly had only their interests at heart and were perfectly happy to screw me over to get what they wanted (That's the Machiavellian component of their dark tetrad personalities). So let's begin our new radical acceptance there. 

They didn't love us. They made mercenary use of us.  We were expedient, convenient and easily misled by gaslighting. They made us believe we owed them for being allowed to be part of  their family. We didn't also weren't. But even if family is transactional (it isn't), we never got our part of the bargain, though we gave ours to overflowing. 

There was a constant double standard. We weren't family. We were staff, scapegoat, surrogate spouse, surrogate parents. They owned us (that's enmeshment). They broke up what was our family (which wasn't really ours either. It's always been all about them) I always say my parents divorced me not each other as they were never committed to it anyway. But they didn't delete us altogether. Oh no. That would deprive them of the benefits we brought them. It also would have actually been better for us. And the sadistic part of their dark tetrad hated anything that was good for us. They don't love you but by God no one else is going to either. 

Sounds pretty grim. And maybe a bit paranoid on my part. But that's dark tetrad for ya. It ain't pretty. It's selfish, greedy, conceited, condescending, hypocritical, disgusting. But it is what it is. And that's what radical acceptance is for me (us): acknowledging that the past happened, and it was as bad as we remember it. What I do recall. A lot, as in months and years are missing. What I've told you represents only a fraction. But I'm told by people I don't remember  meeting is that I looked miserable. So conclusion: it wasn't good what I've forgotten. I'm capable of remembering good things. So this repression is probably a safety valve of CPTSD. 

I also accept that nothing's going to change any of it. I (we) can't change the past. We can change the now and the future. To do that, we allow ourselves to accept (acknowledge, believe, confirm) that this is what I (we) have been dealing with all our lives. It's one of the healthiest things we've ever done. That and snipping ties with those that are left. Sadly, it's about all that's left to us of these past relationships. Honestly admitting they never were family relationships at all. They were scams. 

Healing CPTSD from dark tetrad parental abuse means radical acceptance

Hi friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic dark tetrad parental abuse, I'm exploring the crucial component which is radical acceptance. Acceptance that what I recall happening really did happen. And that helps me get who's responsible for what in perspective. This is crucial for de-programming their gaslighting and ceasing my own auto-gaslighting. Acceptance is how I'm saving myself from the mind, body and soul-killing pain of abuse. 

Am I saying it was okay for the four self-centered folks that called themselves my parents to hurt me? Not bloody likely. Am I giving my imprimatur to their consistent, strategic abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, dehumanizing, shaming, enmeshment, scapegoating and brainwashing about it all? No way. Radical acceptance isn't the good housekeeping seal of approval. It's more akin to Led Zepplin recognizing "what is and what should never be" or in the case of parental abuse what should never have been but what is. 

That word recognizing holds the key. It's about seeing their Dark Tetrad behaviors--narcissistic, Machiavellian (self-servingly exploitative) psychopathic (lack of empathy or remorse and sadistic (enjoying others' pain) for what they are. It's about breaking up with the 5 ex's--explaining away, excepting (ignoring), exempting (letting them get away with), excusing, and exonerating their cruelty. All of which enables their delusion of privilege and entitlement to continue abusing.  

Sadly, as a child growing up in this, my world was shaped and deformed by these lies. This was and still is my reality. It's automatic and autonomic. I never questioned it. Till I did. So for me, acceptance is recognizing that they are the problem not me. That they wronged me but that there's no way to change the past. It's about affirming my own version of events not the self-serving deceitful one. 

And so, with Reinhold Niebuhr, I ask God for the serenity to accept what I can't change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. THAT is radical acceptance, to me. 

What going no contact after parental abuse means to me

 Hi friends! I wrote recently about how my path to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parental abuse has turned a corner. I've made the decision (drum roll, please) to go super low to no contact with those left of my family of origin. Which might sound overly grand but to me it is. It's been six decades in coming, so yes it's kind of a big deal. But what now? Where do I go from here with the healing? Well here's what going no contact means to me. 

It sounds like the old what I did on my summer vacation essay, doesn't it 😁? which in a way it is only in reverse. What am I going to do with the rest of my life, now that the abusive family is out of it? And I'll tell you  categorically, I don't know. Yet. I've lived so long with them messing with me, living in my head rent-free and nightmares every night, that this is new territory for me. 

So going forward, what will it look like? Well, I suspect it will hurt some. It hurts to see people caring for their parents and knowing I'll never be able to do that again because it's been so exploited. And then it has always hurt a lot so, less will be better. I have to come to terms with the fact that because rules of family life didn't apply to me, rules of adult interaction won't either. That normal expectations a kid can have for parents, didn't apply, their expectations on me (and my self-gaslit ones) don't either. Because they gave me no care and only exploited me, I owe them nothing. I think I never did. I certainly have no expectations on my children. 

However, abused and gaslit kids don't know that family relationships aren't transactional and that they should expect reciprocity. That parental care isn't an option but a right of childhood. That basic needs aren't met conditionally and then not at all when they future fake and change the conditions. That kids don't exist to please parents. So I didn't and so I don't. My "debt" to them, if there ever was one, was paid in full with interest decades ago. And I can feel free to close the door on that period of my life. I don't want to help and I don't care. Done. 

Yes, I realize that may be cold. And it would if they hadn't shut the door on me first. I've felt guilt about all the ways I've supposedly let them down all my life. But it didn't happen. They got more than enough from me, gave nothing and took what was mine. I gave till it not only hurt but destroyed large parts of me. They exploited and misused me. So I have nothing else for them. 

I can't do anything without hearing one of my four parents shaming voices in my head. Second-guessing, criticizing, undermining, attacking, bullying me. That's a hellish way to live. I feel afraid, stupid and foolish all the time. I don't even know right from wrong because everything I did was wrong. And I know that's not what God wants for me. 

So now I'm going to try something different. I'm going to do what I want and need (whatever those are, I don't know yet). I'm going make decisions the way I see fit and if it doesn't work, oh well. If I fail, I'll take it up with God. I'm taking back my own power. I'm going to find the confidence to try things I've never tried, crazy or not. 

I get to make mistakes and even do flat out wrong things on purpose once in awhile. Goodness know they were done to me often enough.  I'm basically a pretty kind person so it won't be anything too bad. Certainly not the earth-shattering deal my family made out of anything I did "wrong." Honestly, the way they blew things out of proportion and then minimized their own chaos is just laughable. 

But I realize that I don't have the power to make the world come screeching to a halt even if I wanted to. I don't run the show. I'll leave that delusion to the narcissists. I'm just lil 'ole me. I don't have to be the perfect one, the fixer, solver and smoother of feathers. I'm getting down off this damn pedestal of expected perfection. It's a tiny place to perch, no room to stand comfortably and fukkin easy to fall off from. I'm a perSON not a perFECT. 

So there's going to be a lot more honesty and a lot less fawning around here. Fewer yes sirs and no ma'ams and more just no I won't. " If it turns out I go overboard on the boundaries, or get more demanding myself, so? I'll figure that out for myself. Or they can so no to me. I don't need anyone bossing me around and scolding me. And I probably won't do that because I never have. 

And hear me now. If ANYONE ever screams at me, cusses me out or verbally abuses me again. Watch out. Because I will not tolerate it anymore. 

My recovery from CPTSD just turned a corner

Hello my friends. I just had an epiphany in my journey to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parental abuse. For more on all that you can read my back posts. I've turned a corner and am taking a new and, for me, unprecedented direction. I'm deciding to do a few things differently. And it's having a marked improvement in just a few days. What is this new direction, you ask?

Simply put, I've decided to cut contact with my two parents that are left. After a lifetime of them abusing, neglecting, shaming, invalidating, insulting, mocking, depriving, stealing from, parentifying, excluding me when it suits them, exploiting, enslaving, manipulating, raging at me, bullying, lying, dismissing, scapegoating, enmeshing, pirating my self, minimizing and gaslighting, I finally decided that it ends here. No more enabling, pity, help that hurts me, giving without reciprocity and getting kicked in the stomach for it. Done. 

And not a moment too soon. I've been struggling all my life with physical, mental, emotional, financial and spiritual suffering with CPTSD they created in me. And it's killing me at an escalated pace. I'm tense, anxious, frightened of shadows,  shell-shocked. I just a tiny noises. Everything worries me, especially things I've been made to think are my responsibilities, that aren't. 

So yes, it took me into my 7th decade to finally realize that I needed to sever ties with these dark triad people. Yes I wish I'd done it decades ago. If I'd cut contact when I was 16 and they kicked me out of the house, I'd have saved myself years of misery. As I said to my daughter today, ending narcissistic abuse is better done earlier rather than later. To which she said, "better late than never." So very true. 

And I didn't because I didn't know should not allow it or even that I could. I was raised in a cult of one, by four dark triad narcissists who saw to it that my brain was damaged by their exploitation. For children raised this way, coming out of the torture is exactly like coming out of prison. You have to break your way out because they will  never let you go. And the strongest bond and barriers are in your own mind, put there by people in whose best interests it is to keep you locked up, chained and walking the grindstone. And like Jean Valjean after Toulon, abuse survivors are scarred, scared and confused. 

But we are free. And I for one am never going back. I realized now I owe them nothing. And yes it sounds cold and heartless. Gaslit me definitely still feels more like a perp than a victim. But if you know my backstory, you know it's the only choice I have. Once you know it's being burnt you have to yank your hand out of the fire. 

I didn't ask for it to be this way. I did everything in my power to make them happy. And they liked that power they had over me. I kept my hands glued to my eyes to avoid seeing what as right in front of my face. They did not, do not and never loved me. They've used me. And I let them. I made excuses, defended and bent over for it. 

But no more. No more bullying. No more answering to shaming manipulative demands. I call the shots in my life. If I screw up, so be it. I'll deal with it if the time comes. I will let me common sense dictate what's best for me, not a conscience rubbed raw by inappropriate expectations and demands. 

And so it sounds like I don't care. Well, I don't. No more that the basic concern I have for everyone. They wanted to play it both ways, family when it suits them or there's something to be gotten out of it. And they bosses and business transactions when they give or do something. I always heard about how she had to "get back to her (real) family."  But then oh wait, I expect this or that because you're my child. Did she know how excluding that was? Of course she did. She went out of her way to remind me   of all the double standards I was expected to put up with. 

So yes, I was your child, to care for an nurture, not to boss and exploit. And you weren't my mother when it came to expectations you were supposed to be meeting. You reaped where you didn't sow. So now I don't care anymore.  I care about me. I care about those who are genuinely in my care. So she needs someone to care for her. (No not really. She just likes being waited on.) But say for argument she does need something. It's not my job to provide. And I don't want to anymore. 

It may be difficult for me at first to enforce these boundaries. But I'll get the hang of it. What has been going around for 60 years, is finally coming around. And who am it to stand it the way? 

Ridiculous and pitiful things CPTSD from narcissistic parental abuse makes me do

 Hello my friends. I've been writing a lot about my CPTSD from parental abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, shaming and invalidation, enmeshment, family scapegoating, identity pirating and gaslighting. Today I'm looking at how the acute stress responses of fight, flight, fawn, freeze and I'll add fix, have caused me to do ridiculous and pitiful things. 

For me, the four acute stress responses happened in a sort of order. I would be threatened in some way by one of my four selfish, sociopathic parents. It might be intense shaming, fury, rage, insulting, sexual harassment or covert incest, lying about something I'd done, manipulation, back-stabbing, chaotic changes made to serve themselves which hurt me, neglect, being put in dangerous situations, being left alone with no resources. It would come from nowhere. I never saw it coming. Which would make it more terrifying. Unbearably so. 

It would shock me and I'd freeze (panic). I would go into a sort of emergency, crisis mode fugue-state shutdown. My  hands shake and my stomach feels sick when I recall it. I couldn't think clearly. All common sense went bye-bye. Then I'd fawn (grovel, humor, placate) when it wasn't safe to run (flight). I'd literally present, like a wild animal. I was so frightened and confused that I'd cry, sometimes wet my pants. I'd beg to know what I could do to please them, so they wouldn't be so angry. And to make this god-awful misery stop. But hell hath no fury like a narcissist parent. 

Then later, in situations it was safe to, I'd fly. Sometimes. Mostly I just stuck around to be further hurt. I'd been groomed to be the whipping girl. So I thought that's what I was supposed to do in all situations. If I was shamed for running (getting the hell out of the situation, yanno, like self-care?), I'd back down in shame. And sometimes when cornered, I'd come out swinging. But it wasn't to hurt the other person. It was defensive, to make them stop hurting me. Little did I know that a lot of the windmills I was tilting at were from traumatic situations long past. 

But the one thing I always do, is the stress response I've added to the list.  ALWAYS rush to fix the problem. This is kind of like fawn but with a more active component. Even fighting was a response to make it stop. The other person was deregulating and I was feeling myself going the same way. So I tried in all ways I could to get out of the spiral, to break the cycle, and get us to safety before we both went completely down the drain. If that meant the shock slap across the face, well, needs must. 

Of course, you who don't experience this, can see how incredibly dysfunctional it all is. But you can't think clearly when in trauma or shock. It all feels so urgent. And it is meant to. My perpetrators forced me into feeling a state of perpetual emergency over their selfish demands. They created panic with their abuse, harm and gaslighting. I was conditioned to jump in fear and rush to help whenever any of them said to. 

Looking back with more clarity, I see it was all over such piddly things. Things I as a KID was dealing with from them daily. I would supposedly do something which ground the world to a halt. Like asking if a friend could have dinner over. Or coming home 15 minutes late. Things that I deal with as an adult on a moment by moment basis. I'd be told I was disobedient, selfish, arrogant, yada yada. Meanwhile THEY were routinely scornful, mocking, rude, neglectful or their children.   There was never a real crisis, except the one they were manufacturing.  

As you might imagine, all of these stress coping responses have gotten me in trouble in the real world, outside their cultish narc fantasies. What was supposed to keep me safe (an never really did) in the alternate reality they created for me, looked very sick in the light of day. I have scared off a lot of people with my over-reacting, shell shock responses. But then they don't live in the Armageddon in my head.  So what do I do that's so strange? 

1) Can't differentiate between mine and thine. It's all mine to worry about and fix. It's all thine if you need it from me. If you need something, even if it's something you should be doing for yourself, especially if you guilt me into believing it's my job to provide it, you'll get it. 

2) No is not a word in my vocab. Personal boundaries don't exist. I feel ashamed of needs and certainly wants. 

3) Don't know big from little problems and little from no problem. Everything was made out to be earth-shattering. So do I overreact? Hell yeah. 

4) Stupid myself down to humor others. I will keep quiet about things I know if others are saying it's different. I keep opinions to myself if others say it's wrong. I always think I'm wrong and others are right, no matter how wrong they patently are. I don't speak up when I should. I don't share different perspectives because that would be "contradicting" even though we're both grown adults. I still see myself as the "disobedient child" my parents painted me as, in my 60s. 

5) Too agreeable. I'm not exactly ashamed of my ideas, I'm just too afraid of displeasing people. I'm terrified of setting off belligerent, angry people even though they are perpetually set off. And my kowtowing just makes them worse. 

6) Let others kick me around. Being the butt of jokes, target of rage, scapegoated, insulted by kids I'm in charge of caring for, shamed and scorned by people I'm supposed to serve, it's all normal for me. 

5) On edge all the time. Waiting for the attack. 

Acknowledging narcissistic abuse isn't blaming, it's getting perspective

 Hello all. I've done a lot of processing of abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, manipulation, invalidation, exploitation, scapegoating and gaslighting I experienced from four narcissistic parents. I'm absolutely drained and second-guessing myself. And I want to make a few things clear (probably mostly to myself). When I share about the abuse, I'm not shaming and blaming anyone. I'm trying to get out from under the false shame and blame that was laid on me. 

Is that just blame and shame shifting (putting on others)? I don't know. I'm not intentionally placing it on them, just getting it off me. If blame, by association, lands on the perpetrators of the abuse, it's something I can't help. And is it really a bad thing to sort out who is responsible? If blame and shame is so bad, why was it okay for me to be subjected to it all my life? Why was I made wrongly responsible for their actions? It has ruined large parts of my brain. I've been miserable with it as long as I can remember. 

The voices in my head are saying, well if you know how it feels to experience shaming and blame, why would  you want to put someone else through it? And they would be right in asking if I was putting it on an innocent bystander. But my parents are not innocent. They're the ones who created this hell with their neglect, abuse, abandonment, endangerment, etc. 

I'm just saying what happened instead of believing the lies and distortions. I'm identifying what's mine and what's  not. I'm sorting people's issues into the right baskets instead taking them all into mine. All I'm trying to do is heal the CPTSD it caused me and undo the damage of gaslighting. Acknowledging abuse, neglect, etc, helps put it in perspective for me. It helps me understand how I was hurt by it, where I can correct unsafe beliefs, hopefully, and how, maybe, I can live a healthier life. 

If my getting some relief means they get held accountable for their bad treatment of me, well, maybe better choices should have been made. 

Many contradictory lies my narcissistic parents told about me, to exploit, gaslight and shame

Hello my friends. I've been doing a lot of recovery work in CPTSD from a lifetime of abuse, neglect, exploitation, abandonment, enmeshment, endangerment, parentification, invalidation and gaslighting by four narcissistic parents. I didn't know then that all this was happening. I just knew I was miserable and suicidal most of the time. I thought their poor treatment of me was normal and/or my fault. I didn't even know most of the words for it till a few years ago. But now that I do, boy do they fit and wow, is the behavior pattern. And do they weaponize and gaslight! Confusing stuff they said was actually right out of the narcissist's handbook. 

Here are 25 contradictory lies and deceptions my narcissistic parents told about me, to gaslight, bully, exploit and shame me. It felt very out of the blue but I see now that it was supposed to. So I would feel that I'd provoked it with my egregiously bad behavior. This would keep me always on my toes and watchful. Always ready to fix, fawn or make amends for some hinted at transgression. 

Now I see it wasn't just a bunch of random attacks but quite organized persecution. Their lies and distortion, followed by gaslighting were self-serving and strategic. Rehearsed even. Like a litany or formula. They'd devised a system of weapons which they pulled out at pre-appointed times. They also had a defensive arm in place to defect any objection. In short, they were ready and prepared to thwart any obstacle in their path. As if I was some kind of threat and not a good, loving, obedient kid. 

Hmm, funny that. Did they actually view me as an enemy to be vanquished?  Some evil in their midst? It sure felt that way.  I think I was supposed to think I was the evil, (not that evil was done to me) so that I would never question and always feel ashamed. That I'd brought these attack on myself, though I never knew what I'd done to provoke them. I now see this offensive was manufactured to confuse, frustrate, tear down my defenses, plant false, hurtful beliefs about myself, induce artificial shame, render me helpless and create an alternate reality for only me to live in. So that if I told anyone, they'd laugh because it sounded so paranoid. 

And it was all for power over me. They wrote a controlled, fake narrative to keep me in bewildered compliance to their whims, demands and crazy expectations. And it was entirely lose-lose for me. I would no more put out one of their fires then they would set six more. I  could never get it right. They made sure of that. It was an endless loop of moving hoops. They painted me in a corner. I was caught in a vicious net that kept getting tighter the more I moved. 

And how did they do that? I don't completely know because I'm not that devious. But I know it includes telling repeated lies and twisted half-truths.  And keeping me gaslit so that I believed whatever I did it was wrong even though they'd just said it was right. And living double standards. And being unpleasable so I'd keeping me jumping to please.  These are things that were said to me. In paras are the contradictions of what they actually did versus what they said or meant or what I was supposed to hear in it. These are listed in no particular order because I didn't see a pattern then but one is emerging. And that was to do just that, keep me hopping. 

You're too sensitive. But you're not sensitive enough to others' needs. You should just know (sense, predict ) what we expect without having to be told. You should be more "sensitive to" (anticipate) our needs (whims, demands, wishes). We (you) should be at the ready and jump to serve (you exist for us. We will not serve you or even help or give basic care.) 

You can't be a teacher because you're too sensitive. (You should not go to college because who will take care of us?) College isn't for everyone.( You've outshone us. Your intelligence makes us feel insecure. We're also embarrassed you succeeded when we gave you no help.) Not everyone woman is a cow. (My wife is mad that you breastfed your children when she was too selfish to.) You're competitive.(Our kids like you better than us because you took better care of them than we did).  

You're too needy. (how dare you need glasses and food and a bed?) You're too demanding (how dare you ask us for things?). You expect too much (medical care, bedroom, love, encouragement) You're too selfish (needs, wants, feelings are for us, not you). You aren't working hard enough ( to meet our selfish demands). 

You need to accept chores (unreasonable, unshared burdens) cheerfully. But not too cheerfully because then you're proud and looking for praise. And you shouldn't ask if you did it right because you are fishing for compliments. 

You look ridiculous (when I'm the one wearing a hooker costume to a church Halloween party and nightgowns in public). Your hair looks silly (I don't even comb mine) You're making a fool of yourself (doing normal kid things while I'm behaving so bizarrely that your friends parents won't let them come over). You're attention-seeking (I threw a pie in your face at my work party). You're immoral (while I'm sleeping with another woman's husband). You sound ridiculous (when trying a new vocal style in private in the bathroom). There's nothing wrong with your back no matter what the doctor says. (I have real aches and pains, despite obesity and malingering diagnosis) '

You lack common sense (adult skills many adults don't have and we don't use) You're childish (as a child). Grow up (when we haven't and won't). You're clumsy (from uncorrected impaired vision, lots of heavy housework). You shake your hips to get attention (you walk crooked from poorly treated congenital hip dysplasia, ignored scoliosis and other medical neglect) You're forgetful (from being overtired from sleeping in unsafe, unhealthy conditions). You lose things (we take them and sell them) You're obsessed with things you lost. (like son's shoes which we stole from you). 

She's your mummy. He's your father. (they're not. You only have one each of those. They're our partners and your bosses. But not your caregivers or family so expect nothing of them but also render service to them.) Honor your parents. (and our partners we call your parents when it suits us. But that's just for you. We don't have to honor ours. And we'll just ignore that part about what we owe you)

When we play our instruments, we're serving God. In fact, we should always be invited to play and all eyes should be on us when we do. You're just showing off when you sing in the bathroom. You're arrogant and proud. You're looking for attention. You're fishing for compliments. (We just expect them.)

God says you have to serve (us) with no thought of reward or payment. We're family. Unless it's us doing for you. Then it's a business transaction and we will be paid back with interest It's a gift when you give and a loan when we give. We will not serve you or anyone. God wasn't referring to us when he said to serve you. Or anyone. You owe us. We're your parents. But you're not our child. We owe you nothing. In fact, we'll be taking what you've been given by others from you. For our real families.  

You're too defensive (when we attack you. You should  just let anyone walk on you not protect yourself. God says) God didn't mean us, however. We will see exploitation everywhere and attack first. Youre also offensive to your stepmother and stepfather (your bosses, not caregivers). You also can't take (our) criticism (destructive, harsh, mocking, shaming, fault-finding, harassment, attacks, untruths). And you're too critical (of us). 

You have to respect us, God says. We owe you no respect. You're disrespectful (when you didn't see what we want and jump to fix it). We're just doing our job as parents (when we're blatantly disrespectful, rude, shaming, humiliating, punitive, insulting you) You need to not only respect but care for your siblings. They don't have to respect you. They don't have to do things they should be doing for themselves. You have to. They don't have chores. You do. They're kids. You had to do adult work when you were younger than them. You have to be the adult when you're a kid. 

You forced me to scream at and humiliate you in front of everyone at Christmas because you went to try on your sweater. Even though you also had to go to the bathroom. And no one else was asking permission for that. I assumed you were just being disrespectful even though you never are.  And your grandparents who were supposedly so disrespected, asked you to try on your new sweater. And my sons ran off to play with their new toys. You must ask permission for everything. Even though you did and my wife gave it. I didn't HEAR you ask so I assumed you didn't even though you always do. In fact others have said how weird it is you have to ask permission for everything and no one else does. 

We aren't stealing from you. We need the money for our new families. You can do without. You don't need a room of your own. Your job is to sleep in our babies' rooms and get up with them. You're not a family member you're an unpaid nanny. But you can't tell anyone because then you're lying. Or not being loyal to your (our) family. 

You're not really suffering. We're not depriving you. We need these luxuries for ourselves. You don't deserve basics. You overreact. You came in an hour late once and so we kicked you out. But don't be so melodramatic about it. You're 16. You'll be fine.

You need to humble yourself. We're the important ones here. You never back down. (you always back down and we don't like it because it shows up our pride and arrogance). You're stiff-necked. We're your parents. We get to order you around and you have to just like it and ask for more (we're the stiff-necked ones. We're bossy, demanding, hypercritical and we NEVER apologize). You must beg our forgiveness (for things you didn't do wrong or things we did to you) but we won't give it. You have to forgive us, God says (ignore what we did, that we're not sorry for and let us keep doing it). We don't have to  extend mercy and can hold a grudge all our lives. You won't back down. We don't back down because we're always right. Even when God says we're in the wrong. 

You don't do enough around here (you do most of our work, all my wife's kids' work but we can always think of more) You upset your stepmother. (I'm upset because she is upset with me or just feeling fat, lazy and crabby but it's your fault.) When she's sulking I will say in front of you, "maybe Mari could fix it, do for you" etc.  (By which hint, I expect you to beg her to please tell you how to make her happy.) I will invite her to think of yet another thing you can do to please her. (She will not be pleased, we both know this. Which will piss me off at her. But I will take it out on you.) You shouldn't expect her to be pleased. (That's my job. Yours is to just keep jumping. That she never is further pisses me off.) 

You shouldn't ask what you did to upset her (because she is probably mad at me and might actually tell you that).  You should just know. (By which I mean I won't tell you because I don't know myself. Which will piss me off more.) You must have upset her otherwise why is she pouting? (I know damn well why, because she's always peeved and so am I. But I will NEVER give you the benefit of the doubt.) 

You're so impatient. ( I'm impatient and how dare you be so put together?) You're always angry (You're not angry enough. How can you keep it together when we can't. We're always angry We just want you to feel guilty for it).  Why are you so eager to please? It's pathetic. (I hate it that you're so good at doing my job.) Why can't you just get it right with her? (I can't but you must keep guessing cuz I haven't got a fucking clue). You don't like your stepmother (I can't stand her). You should be ashamed of yourself. (I'm ashamed of myself but not enough to stand up for you. I need it to be your fault so I don't have to deal with it or her). 

You take everything so personally. (personal attacks, shaming, blaming, scapegoating) You  take things too literally. (insults, mockery) You're too careless (exhausted from all our ceaseless and unreasonable demands) You should lighten up. (and quit expecting us to actually parent you or be adults ourselves.) You are the whole problem in this family. (I need you to be. But I won't tell you how to fix it because you can't because you aren't. We are and won't. I just want a scapegoat.) 

Your job is to serve us. (actually its mine but I'll never admit it. So keep hopping, you.) God says you have to be a servant (The Bible is written to us. We're the adults, parents and caregivers, not you. We're just gonna conveniently overlook that part). You need to be a willing servant. (you are this already but I'm going preach it in such a way that you believe you aren't.)

You need to look for the good in others. (You do but again we'll gaslight you into thinking you don't. While we on the other hand will always look for and expect the worst of you. And others. We will overlook the bad in ourselves. We will get mad instantly at the first hint that you've done something wrong. And never hear your side. You don't have a side. 

You need to be more resilient (you've proved yourself endlessly resilient to our abuse while, we, dammit, fall apart at the slightest blip). You're too independent. You need to be more of a family member. (do more, be more, while said family excludes you). 

Just face it. None of the rules of normal life apply to you. 

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You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if any truths were told and if my entire framework of life was based on lies.  

How narcissist parents enmesh, exploit and gaslight to make scapegoats feel responsible for their actions

 Hi friends. To heal my CPTSD from narcissistic parental abuse, I'm going to the roots. I'm exploring not not only that but also how and why I was abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, scapegoated, parentified, invalidated, enmeshed, exploited, shamed, invalidated and gaslit about it all. Today I'm looking at how narcissist parents enmesh, then exploit and then gaslight to make scapegoat kids responsible for their actions. 

So, what do we know about narcissists? They are self-centered, arrogant, hypocritical, demanding, needy, control freaks without empathy, who plow over others' boundaries. They pirate others' identities, take over their brains. They see us as extensions of themselves like an arm or eye. They use us to get narcissistic supply and  delusional fantasies of grandeur fulfilled. I experienced this from four parents (two biological and their partners). They were so enmeshed that I actually believed it was selfish of me to think, need, want and feel for myself. 

Plus my mother is very histrionic and inappropriate sexually. She is seductive, manipulative and constantly demanding of attention. Being stripped of my sense of self, I let her use me as a sex therapist, pawn and object of comparison, as a child. (See my funny looking fat little daughter, now look at sexy me). She allowed and I see now, encouraged her boyfriend to mock me, at 10, for my small breast size. While she preened herself on her larger ones. She runs around naked and sleeps naked and tells everyone about it. 

She openly cheated on my dad when we were in Alaska and dragged me along. She exposed and left me with various older men (sugar daddies I now suspect) who were mommy's "friends." My dad was on "mission trips" thousands of miles away and completely unavailable. I was left alone and vulnerable. All while planning her Good News clubs, she said. I don't recall those ever happening. At one point she left the native community to go be a youth group leader (she said) on a remote island. Now I wonder if she hadn't made herself a pariah and was being sent away. We had no home and no money. I've no idea how we lived. 

She has always dressed oddly, wearing seductive clothing when young, dressing like a hooker for Halloween and then later, wearing nightgowns in public. When I was young, she'd make out with her various boyfriends blatantly, in front of me. Like I wasn't even there because I wasn't, to her. But she also wanted me to see and be jealous, I now know. Jealous that I wasn't as hot as her (at 8, mind). And also because she wanted me to feel sick and humiliated. 

She talks about sex all the time and always has. She talks about her privates with my husband and kids. She got a boyfriend of mine to talk to her about his genitalia. She has shared intimate details of her sex life with me since I was a kid. I never asked her to stop, even including a few years ago when she talked to the doctor about sex problems in front of me. She didn't request I leave and snapped at me for not being for appearing uncomfortable hearing about it. I see now, she wanted me to feel icky. 

My dad was off in a different way. He dated a series of younger women, one being 17 and young enough to be his daughter. He fully planned to marry her and pass her off to me as a mother. She was 8 years older than me. He had very blurred boundaries with me about who was my mother (authority figure). They were my family (not caregiver, boss)  if he said so. Same with my mother. They made it up as they went along. I was just told how it was and expected to adapt. No questions, support or thoughts of my own. Well, you would, wouldn't you if you your daughter is not a person but an appendage. 

And then they gaslit me into thinking this was all perfectly normal and that I should be grateful. God expected me to serve them and their new spouses and all their new kids. Even though no one I knew had a life remotely like mine. And even though it was made abundantly clear that I wasn't really welcome. I was family when things were expected of me but not in things I should have been able to expect. I was a useful nuisance and one they clearly resented. 

But then, they preached such a different message. They were always reading and quoting scripture including that which called out their behavior as immoral. They believed themselves to be actual ministers (they weren't. It was just delusion). I was taken to church and beaten with the Bible on all the things God expected of me. But I never once heard them speak of their responsibilities. They were above it and the Bible didn't apply to them. There were two completely opposite sets of rules, both of which were made up by them for their own self-centered ends. 

Anything they did, no matter how foolish, selfish or sinful was God telling them to. They were just following instructions. Even though the Bible plainly said it was wrong and forbade it. We were reading the same Bible but getting very different things from it. I always kinda wondered about that, but they were so convincing and who was I, a kid (and a gaslit one at that) to question?  

But I see now that they were twisting God's word to make it seem like it says things it doesn't. They were taking bits they liked, out of context and distorting the intent. They were omitting anything that didn't support them or called out their behavior. Some things they just flat out lied about. For example, theft, child abandonment, lying, adultery and fornication. Those, my mom said, didn't apply to her because...well, I can't recall the excuse she used. But I know she did excuse it because she was so blatant about it, while still preaching against it. As I see now, they said they were God and I believed them. I literally didn't know right from wrong when it came to them. 

And I never said anything about how awful all this made me feel. Ever. To anyone.  You can't with an enmeshed narcissist parent. They get volatile when you do and make you feel even worse. So you keep silent, always. They do not feel ashamed for their very shameful behavior and they blame/ shame shift it onto you. And here's where the narc parent makes their scapegoat kid feel responsible for their behavior. 

When you first draw breath, they take you over. They strip your personhood and indoctrinate you in the cult of them. You're their puppet. Anytime you begin to form a boundary, they smash it. You are shamed for feelings, needs, wants and individuality outside of them. But then, they guilt you with their needs you're supposed to meet. They don't care for you or even like you but you must attend them at all times. You are groomed to supply, fix, fawn, placate, provide, offer up and serve. 

Then, once they have you good and messed up, they take it a step further. They exploit your boundarylessness, vulnerability, lack of identity, inability to protect yourself, confusion and intense shame. They contort truth, manipulate situations and gaslight you. They so baffle you that you take on their guilt and shame. They convince you, by trickery and lies, to think that you are at fault for their behavior. I don't know quite how they achieve it. I only know that they do. And the gaslighting is bewildering. 

Why would they do this if they feel that rules don't apply to them? Why not just do as they please and not worry about it? I have come to think that even the most delusional narcissist knows on some primitive level, that their behavior is wrong. And there are people, not so hoodwinked as I was, telling them what's wrong. And this creates massive shame. 

But being self-centered, they believe they don't deserve the shame. So they lie, backpeddle, distort, twist. They're being victimized and persecuted.  They're never to blame so it must be someone else's fault. Someone must be making them feel this way. He is and it's God, bringing to mind their sin but they can't accept that because He would never disapprove them. They're only always just obeying Him, they believe. 

So they land on the scapegoat child. It must be her fault. She's making us feel bad. Bad her. Which reiterates how deceitful it is because I never did. I accepted all they said as gospel truth. I made up excuses for them and defended them. So they knew they had the perfect target in gaslit, muddled little me. I would willingly take on myself their shame. Goodness knows I'd done it often enough. Over the years the perfected the method till I was too exhausted to protest if I wanted to or even knew I could and should.

And that as they say is that. A perfect circle of shame, beginning and ending with me.  

CPTSD nightmares are strangely helpful, calming and validating

 Hello friends. I've been writing a lot lately about my CPTSD from decades of narcissistic parental abuse, neglect, shaming, invalidating, exploitation, scapegoating, endangerment, enmeshment, abandonment, parentification, manipulation and gaslighting by four narcissistic parents.  I've shared how my childhood trauma nightmares are teaching me things. Today I'm exploring how they are calming, reassuring and validating. 

I've written before about the crazy and terrible CPTSD nightmares that plague me every single night. The moment I fall asleep, I'm in one. They're chaotic and confusing. I'm in strange and terrible situations, having to care for numerous children in dangerous, filthy and disgusting places. I'm expected to do impossible tasks but what and by whom, I don't know. There's no pattern, just misery. People are nasty to and angry with me. I have more memory of dreams than reality. I wake up more tired than I was when I went to bed. 

I've shared how these dreams are showing me that, odd as they are, they're true.  These kinds of things did happen to me. I was subjected to very unsafe, inappropriate expectations by angry, malicious parents. I was left alone to cope with things adults could not cope with. I was baffled by the shifting, self-serving, destructive and unfair demands. As my husband says, the nightmares are more memory than dream.

I have lived in a confusing shadow world of deceit, where lies were truth and reality was flipped on its ass. I was pool-balled and played off people. I was thrown in the path of sadists, psychopaths and predators.  Machinations, cons games, scams, double standards and threats were my normal. These dysfunctional adults who were responsible for me, manipulated, coerced and browbeat me into a complaint state of enslavement. They bullied, harassed, attacked and exploited, all for selfish gain. 

I wrote recently about how this ceaseless trauma has damaged my ability to protect myself and rendered me boundaryless. My coping mechanism is to fawn and try to fix. I find myself in awful situations with no idea of how I got there. Because I'm raw with no self-protective skills, I get gulled or dragged into very wrong situations, by narcissists, that I did nothing to create. But because I'm so prone to guilt and fixing and so brainwashed by selfish people, I immediately assume that I somehow created the problem. I described some of those experiences in an earlier post. 

I don't remember ever not being stressed out and hating myself. My home life (which was really  nothing more than constant couch surfing) was fraught with tension. The air was sliceable with it. I look back and remember faces grim, sullen, resentful and livid with rage. Most of it passive-aggressive (mom, step mom and dad) and some just aggressive (step dad and occasionally dad). 

The few "peaceful" times I experienced always backfired on me. Just when I began to relax, I got a sucker punch in the stomach. I can still feel the gut twisting shock. I've blanked out, squashed down and sat on a bulging suitcase full memories. I thought I was managing to keep them in check. But they explode out in those nightly dreams. 

The nightmares don't resemble my actual life or people in it but the feelings and actions are exactly the same. I believe this changing of people and places is to protect me. If I dreamed about the real people and situations, my mind would implode with the realization that it wasn't just a dream. As the cop shows say, the names have been changed to protect the innocent (me) but the events and my brain damage from them are real.

So  here's an example (warning it's pretty disgusting). Last night's dreams involved me having to care for a large number of babies who were defecating in my  hands because they were sick and there were no diapers. We were in a dirt floor basement and I was trying to get them clean, cared for an off the floor. Later I was trying to clean my home in which there was old food and vermin. 

There was a woman staying with us who was ordering me around and taking the place over. She and my husband were both yelling at me to clean up and get rid of the bugs. They weren't lifting a finger to help. They expected me to wait on them and mocked me. This is completely out of character for my husband. So it had to come from earlier memories. 

And this is so strangely helpful, calming and validating to me. It's calming because it's validating which is helpful to sort out the truth from toxic lies and gaslighting I was told about myself, what I was supposed to do and what God expected of me. I've also noticed that I'm fighting back more than I have in past dreams. Normally I'm kowtowing and feeling ashamed. In this one I yelled at them to get busy and lend a hand. So maybe I'm turning a corner? 

My husband has also been requesting that I tell him the entire content of my dreams. Something I've been loathe to do because the shame that was implanted in my brain makes me think I'm somehow responsible for having them and that people will think I'm the oddball because my dreams area disgusting and weird. 

I have recognized my own parents and their partners in these dreams. My bio parents brought dangerous people into my life. They all expected me to serve and parent them. They all kept me in unsafe situations. I've lived in actual squalor and metaphorical filth from their dirty immoral behavior. 

But after telling my husband, he identified an additional connection, that the woman in last night's dream may represent his mother. The dream woman was young and attractive and there was obviously something between them if he moved her into my home, let her take over and they joined in bullying me. 

He made the point that his mother had always considered him a possession and kind of a surrogate spouse. She looked on me as a rival for his affections and did not respect me as his wife. She had always been scornful and unpleasant to me. She would feign affection and then turn on me even when I was doing for her. She messed up our wedding as much as she could by crying ugly, angry, pouty tears throughout the entire thing. 

She called the shots on everything. Husband says she's done that all their lives. And his dad, while not complying with her, expected his son to. Husband was the fall kid in their family triangle. When dad passed, she expected husband to take her to the doctor (she had other options but didn't want to use them). 

He had to use my car because hers was uncomfortable to drive. And because she was so over-picky and nasty about using hers. This left me without a vehicle. And it never occurred to us to expect her to leave hers for me. The one time I had to drive it, to move her across the state, she made my life a living hell. Instead of just putting down our boundaries, we gave let her have her own way in everything. 

He admitted that there were many times when he'd be frustrated with her and take it out on me. He has given her her way because it was easier.  I took care of her most of the time (because his work schedule didn't permit it). This made her angry because "her son" wasn't taking care of "his mother."  I waited on her and let her abuse me. 

Neither of us had acknowledged how much damage she was allowed to do. Because, well, she's his mom. We both turned a blind eye to her very hurtful, controlling and selfish behavior to "keep the peace."  But evidently, my dreams didn't. They saw inside my subconscious and have tried to warn me of the damage these people and situations have caused. It never would have occurred to me if he hadn't pointed it out. 

I'm so sick and tired of being a Timex, taking a lickin and keepin on tickin

 Hi friends. I'm in a foul mood, thanks for asking. It might be best to just give this post a miss. I'm furious and frustrated at how much I've tolerated, forgiven, accepted, allowed to happen to be done to me, all in the name of keeping the peace. THERE IS NO DAMN PEACE when the angry, self-centered people in my life dictate there isn't. No amount of placating, fawning or fixing is gonna make it so. 

I'm frustrated and annoyed with myself for letting myself get kicked then rolling over and begging for more. I'm sick of being a bloody Timex, taking a lickin and keepin on tickin. Why? Why do I do this? Why don't I just leave the situation? Why do I keep wasting my time, bending over backwards to make  unworkable situations with stubborn, combative people work? Why do I keep showing up to be the only one at the party? Why do I even care? Why does this mean so damn much to me? Why can't I just be who I am and be okay with that and if others aren't, ciao bambino! 

CPTSD from narcissitic parental abuse lands me in miserable situations I've no idea how I got into

Hello my friends. In this new year, I'm looking at all things CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder), that I got from a lifetime of narcissistic parental abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, scapegoating, enmeshment, invalidation, shaming and blaming, parentification and gaslighting by four narc parents. Today I'm looking at how CPTSD lands me in weird and miserable situations I have no idea how I got into. 

CPTSD for me, manifests as chronic shame and guilt and self-abasement, obsessive people pleasing and fawning and having zero boundaries. This was caused by decades of being forced to serve, humor, wait on, kowtow to my two histrionic narcissistic parents, their new partners and their new children. I never think about what I need only what others want and how I'm supposed to provide that or fix whatever they expect me to fix. 

I honed these behaviors to placate chronic rage, passive-aggressive demands, bizarre inappropriate expectations. But to add insult injury, it never worked and it just got worse. Everyone was still mad at me and even more demanding. The more I groveled the more they abused, shamed and gaslit me.  I didn't know then, the concept of unfillable black holes and that they were unpleasable. Or that it wasn't my job in the first place. But wish I had. 

It would have saved me some sanity if I could have just left them for good and never looked back. As it was I got kicked out of the house anyway. Better to jump than be pushed. But I was so brain damaged that I thought I deserved all this and more for being such a disappointment to them. I believed I had to stick around to help them and let them abuse me. I kept my hands in the fire because protecting myself was verboten. 

This was a very dysfunctional way to live and I was deformed because of it. But it was the only way to survive I thought. So I brought these dysfunctional coping skills with me into adulthood like a deformed leg. I am always anticipating others needs, smoothing ruffled feathers, prostituting myself to their demands. I read expectation where there is none and make their problems mine and mine alone. I catch their feelings, well the bad ones anyway, like a cold. I have to protective layer, no boundaries, no identity, no ability to detach. 

And boy howdy does that make me a target for takers, narcissists and exploiters. I find myself smack dab in the center of weird and scary situations that I had no hand in the making. I step in quicksand because I was taught to ignore warning signs. I did nothing, said nothing and yet I'm in the hot seat. If you could see some of them, you'd be scratching your head and saying WTH?? How did that happen? 

Well, it's both simple and complicated. The short answer is, like I said, predators can smell me a mile away. They know I'm easy to manipulate and guilt. They know they can dump any of their crap on me and I'll absorb, internalize, take responsibility for it and do my utmost to fix it. Which people with built in boundaries know is ridiculous. I could no more fix someone else's problems than I could swim to the moon. But that's what was expected of me. 

The complicated answer is harder to explain, especially to myself. And into my 7th decade now, it's so ingrained that I don't even realize it. I just know I'm miserable with guilt, bewilderment and shame. I'm hurting all over like I've been beaten. I dream that I've done terrible things. There's an impending doom over my hanging over my head and I can't think why. 

I look back and I can't see anything I've done wrong. Or anything that would warrant this pain. I look around and see evidence of good things I've done, shoveled the snow, make cookies with the grandkids, Most everyone seems to like me. I don't think I'm in denial but I must be, mustn't I? Why else this torment? 

 But I did have an Aha moment yesterday that may start to get me out of this forest of pain. I read something about how others' emotions stick to me. I pick up on them and because I have no barrier, I just assume they're mine. 

Anger is a big one. I'm completely vulnerable to others' rage attacks. I take it all personally, especially when they are clearly making it personal. Which, let me just segue here, is what most rage is, attacking and bullying. Even and especially the passive-aggressive kind. If they weren't blaming and targeting, they'd keep it to themselves or find a way to express it that didn't involve others. The lack of respect is palpable. 

I have a chronically angry, peeved, rageful husband. But more baffling is the fact that he doesn't display it in usual ways. He presents as nice and sweet guy which I think he actually is. But then it comes out of the blue. Intermittent explosive disorder is I believe the term. Then this nice guy turns into a vicious, vindicative, bullying monster unrecognizable from his other self. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 

When he is angry or peeved, everything he said before is changed. Every promise broken. He blames everyone, mostly me. He goes to confession and admits his acts then completely contradicts himself, making excuses, justifying, defending and expecting others to just know how they've offended him. He becomes a ruthless bullying tyrant. He makes things up, twists things and attacks me. And then when he's tired of being angry, he reverts to Dr. Jekyll and is can't figure out why we're upset, confused or hurt. 

It's utterly baffling. And I have no idea how I got into it or how to get out of it. All I know is I'm sick to my stomach, and feeling guilt but I have no fucking idea what I did wrong. And it feels soooo exactly like I did when I was young.  

I think it has something to do with taking on his emotions as my own. I'm not sure. I'll have to think about  this. 

Ways I'm managing CPTSD triggers when others are dysregulating

 I have severe CPTSD from years of parental narcissistic abuse and my husband has some too. Only we manifest it differently. He struggles with fight response while I'm the fawner. His dysregulation meltdowns and intermittent explosive disorder triggers my people pleaser reaction, fear of abandonment and trauma responses. I'm not sure if I trigger him. He says I don't. But he does come unglued fairly regularly and that's really a challenge to live with. And it all splashes down on me, so it looks and feels  like I've set him off, because I'm used to taking responsibility for others' problems. And if he's not mad at me, he gives a pretty good impression of being so. It's made worse by his toxic night shift schedule. 

So we've been a couple of hot messes for all our marriage. In our defense, neither of us realized just how bad my CPTSD was. And he didn't know what he was dealing with either. And truthfully, I've not just been triggered. It has been weaponized against me. When you live with someone for nearly 40 years, you can't keep saying you didn't know you were doing it and didn't mean to. You know. You just chose not to find a different way to deal with your rage. Which frankly would freak anyone out, CPTSD or not. You chose to lash out at me and not check yourself. You know you need to take better care of yourself but you just keep doing what you've always done and expected different results. Which puts a ton of pressure on me, to which I cave. And my falling so easily into whipping girl mode makes it worse. Now there's no motivation to change because he has a convenient scapegoat. But I'm learning some new ways of dealing with it. 

1) Realizing and reiterating to myself that it DOESN'T put any pressure on me. Someone else's meltdowns are NOT my job to fix. Which he would say when he's in his right mind. He's actually the first person in my inner circle NOT to say it's not my job to fix. But by continuing the tantrums and saying things that are blaming, yeah, that's a hard mixed message, double whammy, mind screw for sure. Which brings me to tip 2. 

2) I have to decide for myself what's my responsibility and what's others. I have to stop letting them call the shots, especially when they're in active dysregulation.  I can choose which emotions to claim and which to reject. People pleaser empaths like me "catch" others'  anger, sadness, etc. like colds. We confuse their feelings with ours because our boundaries were damaged and we were enmeshed with toxic narcissistic abusers. So when someone's behavior is veering toward self-centered lashing out, when they're triggering memories of bullying and acting like bullies themselves, I have to get out of their path. I have to decide where mine ends and thine begins. And where their taking and my giving stops. Which brings to me 3. 

3) Learn who I owe what to. I couldn't as a kid. I owed parents everything and they owed me nothing they said. I as Marilisa, didn't exist. I was owned and chained to the bullies with false narratives of "family" and my "duties" to them. But I can now. I have no duty to allow myself to be hurt by anyone. I don't owe anyone anything, least of all being their punching bag. I DO owe myself care. I never did owe my parents anything but they lied and said I did. They said God said it was my role. It Which is one reason I struggle so much with people pleasing, lack of identity and poor self esteem. It wasn't and he didn't. So on that note...

4) I don't have to panic, freeze, fawn or fix anymore. It's not my issue to fix even if they say it is. I make the rules for myself. I couldn't even if I wanted to. It's a black hole that I can and have poured myself into and it just made things worse. That's how I know it's not what God wants or expects of me. And with that said, 

5) I please God by caring for myself. This helps me stay focused when all around me is chaos. But how I care for myself doesn't look like what I was told it did. It looks like what that still, small voice has been telling me, to watch out for red warning flags, to trust God and not my kneejerk fawn response. And I achieve this by...

6) Not jumping to fix. Putting texts on read and ignoring calls. Greyrocking. Asking friends for help. Praying, Distracting myself. Doing something else. Leaving the situation. Refusing to have conversations when someone's in meltdown. Essentially I...

6) Let go. Practice radical acceptance of what is. Quit doggedly chasing my tail. I always felt such urgency, like it all had to be fixed now. I feel so much guilt and expectation. So I'd bend and twist and grovel and even fight and keep trying. Which is really a form of people pleasing. When someone goes into a dysregulation spiral, they only stop when they're ready. When they get tired of raging and decide to calm down. Or when something interrupts the downward spin. I can't force a stop no matter how hard I try. Because

7) They're basically in toddler tantrum mode. A good friend just used this analogy and it's is absolutely spot on. And being good mom, I know how to deal with it. I don't. I make sure they're safe and let them scream it out. When they're exhausted they'll either fall asleep or come back contrite and in need of a hug. You just make sure they're safe and carry on with your life. 

But they're adults, you might say. Isn't that patronizing? Eh, maybe but have you got a better idea? They may be chronologically 61 but at that moment, they're emotionally 3. And when you coddle, humor, "help", tippy-toe around them, fawn, grovel, let them hurt you, smile and come back for more, forgive when they're not sorry,  ask if they  need anything and how you can help, that's patronizing too. These are adults. They do know better. And are very likely to exploit and take advantage of you when they are stuck there. And it feels really pathetic and humiliating to you and maybe even to them. Is it easy? Not really but it's easier than the alternative. 

Oh and one thing I forgot to add. Unlike the toddler who should receive unconditional love when done with their tantrum, the adult is at your discretion. You can accept the hug and apology if it feels genuine, if you want. You don't have to. You can keep them on "read" till you're ready to. I wouldn't offer the hug first. Let them come to you. Then you still get to decide when you're ready to accept it. 

They don't get to bullet spray and then act like nothing happened. The only one who gets to act like it's fine, IF she wants to, is you. But it does have to be dealt with at some point. You can't expect yourself to hold abuse like that inside. You're a person, not a sponge. 

If you get a glib or sarcastic "sorry" no, they're not. That's a shitty excuse for a sincere apology. And they're not ready to be the grownup and acknowledge what they did wrong.  These are grown ass adults who need to grow up more. They may at some point but you'll only know that when they take full responsibility and humbly waits till you're ready to hear them.  It's not even about apology. Those are just words, as easy to say as bad ones they just used. True remorse acknowledges what they did and outlines of what will be done differently. If this isn't forthcoming, they are future faking and you'll need to decide how much more of this you want to handle. Because it'll happen again just like it probably has happened before.  

But if there's any hint nonsense about it being your job to "forgive and forget" or "time for you to let it go" or "we need to make peace." They're not even in the sorry ballpark. They're blaming you for their behavior. They're gaslighting you into feeling responsible. But temper tantrums like I'm speaking of are not group efforts. The victims don't bring it on themselves. 

Even if the victim reacts. Hell, who wouldn't when being treated like that? That's self-preservation mode activated. And take it from someone who learned that self-preservation was selfish, a bad reaction is better than none at all. That's what you do when you've rolled over and died. I would say to grey rock if possible, just because that will feel better to you. Detach and stay calm and do all we talked about earlier. 

But under no circumstances accept that you are to blame for their behavior.  That was my dad's stock in trade. He'd tell me I was too sensitive when he beat or screamed at me on me for no reason. He'd say I made him do it or brought it on myself. No apology. Just "go wash your face" after I'd cried my eyes out in shame. Nah, bro she didn't provoke you. You are a mean, nasty, out-of-control, narcissistic, maniac nutter, control freak bully who picks on kids half his size. And this little girl ain't goin' back there EVER. Eff that noise. 

How divorced narcissistic parents who remarry gaslight their kid with stepparents

Hi friends. I'm working on healing CPTSD from abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, enmeshment, scapegoating, invalidation, shaming, parentification and gaslighting by four narcissistic parents. Yes, four. Two bio and their two new partners. Having divorced parents was very unusual in the time and places I grew up in. Having a mother and father who were dating was super odd and earned me some ostracizing. 

And don't get me started on how strange it was when my mother moved her boyfriend into our home. In middle class suburban Michigan, that was  verboten and immoral even by people of no religious affiliation. Then them getting married and  having new families added a new levels of weird to my life. So today I'm exploring how divorced narcissistic parents who remarry gaslight their kids with stepparents. 

I've been looking back through the years of my life and find that my memory is patchy and confusing. The memories I can recall are predominantly frightening. My experiences were very out of sync with other kids. They were characterized by strange, chaotic, dangerous, unstable, self-serving, out-of-control behaviors on the part of parents and their new partners who were allowed to do as they wished with me.

Reading up on legalities regarding "stepparents" they're aren't responsible to the child for financial care BUT they also have no authority over the child. That rests only with the biological parents unless they cede control AND the step parent adopts the child. Well that was all kinds of messed up in my life. No one wanted to cede control of me because I came with money and benefits attached. And because I fulfilled so many roles in their lives: confidant, surrogate spouse and parent, servant, scapegoat, target. But none of them took care of me, financially or otherwise. They all acted like step parents with no responsibilities to me and parents with complete power over me. 

All four felt entitled to order me around. My bio parents encouraged their new partners to step right up and boss me around. And they each had their own expectations that contradicted each other. It was exhausting, confusing and miserable. I had to be four different girls with flip-flopping rules that changed without warning. They didn't co-parent, they did their own thing with me. Then blamed me when the others' expectations contradicted. They never collaborated and just let the others do what they wanted when I was with them. They turned blind eyes to horrific things. It's so confusing I can hardly explain to myself, let alone you. 

They didn't know what they others did because they never asked and didn't care. They ignored sexual assault, bringing a teen boy into the house then shaming me when he molested me, moving me out of my bedroom and into the kids' bedroom so my unmarried uncle and his girlfriend could have my bedroom, couples shacking up in our home, working my ass off to do my stepmother's work, being deprived of medical care, the list goes on.  

And I never told because that would be disloyal, they said. And I was afraid of the consequences. And no one cared anyway. My biological parents left me completely at others' mercy. It was as if I ceased to exist for them when I wasn't there and available to serve them. And when I was, I was there as a servant, not their child. They couldn't have made it plainer that they didn't care if they'd shouted it from the rooftops. I have been so unutterably alone most of my life. It was so scary that I had to blank it out and just fake it or it would have blown my mind to smithereens.  

And then no none took responsibility for me either. Food, clothing, medical care, housing, bedroom were catch as catch can. I had to get a job at 15, to provide basics for myself. And not because we were poor. I was the only one deprived of these things. Everyone else had plenty, including luxuries. My child support was used to fund my mom's unemployed husband's pipe dreams. Which he then ran into bankruptcy and kicked me out. She was still collecting child support which paid for their stuff, and I wasn't even living there. And I was living with an elderly lady and struggling with no food beyond the free school lunch.

My dad lavished gifts on himself, his wife and their kids. And would lock me in the baby's bedroom at night so he and his wife weren't troubled by their children. I was what is now called hidden homeless a lot of times. And a free live-in nanny. There was never enough to eat for me but plenty for others. I had to ask to get something from the cupboard. And had to work like an unpaid employee in their adult foster care home, feeding, cleaning up after and waiting on the residents. I couldn't have outside activities or get a job because I had to so many chores. I had no place to do homework let alone time to. 

And the gaslighting was off the charts. My dad would call my stepmother "your mummy" when I was supposed to do something for her or when I'd supposedly upset her. She was only 14 years older than me and a very immature 14 years at that. She never acted motherly, only bossy, arrogant, lazy and pouty. My own mother was no better. She was a very childish covert narcissist but she was my mom. I felt so guilty to her when my dad would pull that. I still get triggered hearing his voice in my head. 

Then when I lived with my mom, she accused me of being jealous of her and her new husband. I have no idea why because I rarely ever questioned let alone complained. It was like she was a mean girl in high school flaunting her new boyfriend. He was a nightmare from the beginning. They would exclude me from activities, make out in front of me and put me in charge of her four special needs foster care kids so they could sleep together in the basement. 

She'd gaslight me saying that we had to obey him now because he was her husband and head of the house. And that was when they were just living together. And he wasn't my dad let alone my husband or even hers. But I was her daughter before he was her husband. And I was STILL her daughter. She had a scriptural responsibility to me,  not him.  And God doesn't stutter when it comes to adultery. But somehow she made me believe it was all fine and dandy. It wasn't really adultery because his wife was a bad person. She used that one a lot to justify multiple instances of infidelity. She justified abortion that way too thought she preached against it all for others. 

He'd scream at me, call me names, sexually harass and bully me. He never worked and just laid around the house...OUR house, not his. He who was crude, bullying, violent, nasty-minded and foul-mouthed, would call ME a spoiled kid and bad kid and terrible daughter.  He had me believing I was. Though they were using me and my resources to pay for their lifestyle. 

My  mother would ostentatiously pray and read her Bible and preach about the wages of my sin when  THEY WERE THE ONES SHACKING UP, stealing, scamming, lying and exploiting others.  They somehow convinced me that I'm both immoral and wicked but also self-righteous for calling out their sin. Guilty consciences, I guess. But narcissists will cut their own tongues out before admitting to any wrong. And I have been unable to shake to idea that I'm some kind of slutty hypocrite??  It just boggles me. 

From the moment my parents met their new spouses , they changed. They were never what you'd call caring or loving parents. But they didn't hate me, I don't think. I know I got in the way of their grandiose plans. But they didn't let that stop them and just left me behind or let me wander alone or dumped me on others. And none of their big ideas materialized anyway. I know that at least she blamed me for that. Probably he did too. 

But then things really went south. When they met their new people, and now had you-know -what buddies, they were invincible. God was approving their crazy. The narc supply was so high that I'm surprised it didn't explode. Now I was just an awkward reminder that they had other responsibilities they were ignored. Now they despised but also exploited me. They mocked, backstabbed, scapegoated, bullied, lied about, put me in harm's way and confused the hell into me. They tied a millstone of shame and fear, around my neck. They gave their new people authority over me, which they did not earn, deserve or use well. 

Each was responsible in various ways, of endangering, abusing, neglecting, exploiting, parentifying, scapegoating and hurting me. I was responsible to them for constant obedience very harsh and inappropriate demands, instant compliance to whims, yet they weren't responsible to me for for basic care. They considered themselves my superiors and supervisors, not caregivers. 

It was all royally buggered. They expected me to serve them and yet felt to obligation to me. Even my own parents! I was expected to serve them and nothing was expected of them, regarding me.  They seemed to think that by getting married again it somehow absolved them of responsibility to me. Like they divorced me instead of each other and that they could just revise the story to delete me and move on with their new families as if I'd never existed. Except for when they needed me around as scapegoat, surrogate and servant. The hypocrisy is insane. It's like driving a car on black ice. You never know which way it's going and which end is up. 

The confusion alone makes me crazy to say nothing of the pain and suffering.  I want to scream, in retrospect, Just fukkin pick a side and land already!! You can't have it both ways!! If I'm such a burden, adopt me out. If you want to get on with your new families sans me, fine. My grandparents would have had me. But you don't to stay on the show and keep the lovely parting gifts too. You can't have me just when it suits you. Don't give me that daughter, parent and family bullshit. Those are all relative (pun intended) to you according to your whims at the time. 

And yanno what? Having said that, I'M going to pick the side and land. And I choose no contact. I'm evicting y'all and your gaslighting from living rent-free in my head. As hard as it is to accept that I was just unloved chattel, it's harder to keep living in the misery of this fake, delusional narrative of yours.  Bye, now. Don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out.  

What I learned about healing CPTSD by playing Legos with my grandsons

 Hello my friends. Day two of 2025 finds me having an Aha moment about healing my CPTSD. I experienced abuse, neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, enmeshment, invalidation, shaming, triangulation, parentification, family mobbing, scapegoating and gaslighting about it all. I was bounced to and fro by four narcissistic "parents" (two bio and their new partners who were given carte blanche to use and abuse me as they saw fit by my own parents). I never told anyone about this and no one ever helped me deal with it. I just started dealing with it last year when I began to consider that childhood trauma and abuse was behind my constant pain, fear, shame and suicidally low self esteem. So as we approach Epiphany, here's an epiphany I had few days ago about what healing from CPTSD will require. 

It came from an unexpected source, my grandson as we were playing Legos. The significance just occurred to me. Well scripture says a child shall lead us. And as it's my inner kid I'm trying to heal, it fits perfectly. So here's what happened. Our oldest twins were building Lego sets they received for Christmas. Both were running into some issues cuz some of those pieces are so tiny and the kits have to be done perfectly for it to work out. 

Silas found a workaround for his. But Moses had missed one step and we were unable continue till we sorted out what that was. We tried a few times to reassemble parts of it but finally had to take entire thing apart to find the one that was bunging things up. My mechanic husband has had this experience with car repairs too, having to dig deep to find the source of the problem and then root it out completely and rebuild. 

So, my epiphany. Like Silas, I've looked for workarounds. I've developed an arsenal of coping skills to deal with the problems caused by the trauma. Some healthier and more functional than others. But my defaults (fawn, freeze, self harm. rolling over and letting others harm me) don't work real well. Like Moses's kit, the problem is deeper and more systemic. So I have to what we did and take the entire thing apart and start over. 

I was taught a very dysfunctional, debilitating, hypocritical, double standards operating system. My life was constant chaos, moving  multiple times a year. I would be given something and then it was taken away, without explanation. Promises were broken. I learned that pleasing others no matter how selfish their demands or how hurtful it was to me, was my only purpose. I didn't exist as a separate self. I was just a surrogate parent, surrogate spouse, servant and scapegoat to my parents, their partner and new kids. My needs were scorned. I was ignored, left out and deprived. 

Then when they needed me, I had to jump to serve. I was not allowed a life outside their little cults. I had to earn what most kids were given as members of the family. I was supporting myself, essentially at 16. They had plenty of hack to indulge themselves and their new families. Harsh rules were made for me but not them. They were unstable and lived immoral lives. Hurtful people were forced on me. I was in a lot of danger from a young age. They were mad at me all the time and found a lot of fault despite me basically being the designated adult. They gaslit me that this was God's will for me. 

There was so much that was wrong and broken in my upbringing that it's hard to find any good. So I think it would be safest to assume there was none. And you might say, that's a wicked thing to say. They're your parents. Surely they did some good. Well, to begin with only two of my authority figures had any authority over me. I was TOLD that they did and made to obey them. They were very cruel. My parents stood by and let them. And were harsh and unkind to me themselves.

I mean, think about it, what good can come out of structure with a flawed foundation? If the damn thing's cracked, the whole thing is unsafe. And how is it good to allow others to constantly hurt me and never stand up for myself. Seems to me being okay with hurt and then shaming and hating myself for not being good enough is pretty dangerous. So dangerous that in my case, suicide seemed the best alternative. 

So like with the little Lego truck with one missing piece, I have to dismantle my entire belief system, about myself, my relationships, what I expect of myself and what my responsibilities are to others. I have to sort out what went wrong. I have to reframe their false, self-serving narrative regarding myself. The Bible speaks of weed-strewn fields as only being fit for the fire. It's only after I've slashed and burned the entire mess they planted in my head that I can reseed in fresh clean ground. 

That's going to take a LOT of uprooting because those bad seeds are like hogweed. They grow rampant, have strong, deep roots and are so toxic that destruction is the only solution. I have to give up all illusions that I was loved, nurtured, not exploited, had a caring family or even a family at all. I can't afford to cherish or preserve anything because the associations are so contaminated. 

I was able to do things, for the most part, differently for my kids than were done for me. I loved them  more than life itself. I hope that by radically accepting that the past is never going to be any different than it was and by detaching me from it and them from me, I can do things differently for me now. Little me, teen me, young adult me, are all still enigma. I'm not sure how to help them. But at least I can start to undo the harm by loving them and treating them with the care and love they deserved. 

Rules didn't apply to scapegoat kids of narcissistic parents and they still don't

 Hi all. I'm hoping you have the best year ever, this 2025. I think for me, it's going to be another rough ride because I've still got a lot of unpacking and sorting of past issues to do. And not just over and done past. Don't I wish! Issues that happened back then but affect me now and which are creating new issues. And present problems that make old ones more difficult to successfully conclude. And which add extra tension of their own which thanks to all of the above, I've not got the resources to cope with. And all my old coping skills are compounding that. So it seems to me that I need to find or devise some new ones, and not just to cope with but also get out of situations that are overwhelming and find healthier ones. 

So of course if you've read my past posts, you know my backstory of childhood trauma and lifelong stress, shame and anxiety from four narcissistic, chaotic, demanding and abusive parents. I was not cared for but made to care for all of them and their families. Abnormal and heavy adult burdens were placed on me and I was harshly criticized for not meeting the unreasonable demands. I was exploited by enmeshed parents who saw me only as a tool for them. My parents didn't follow rules but made up overly strict ones for me. I thought all this was normal, if very unpleasant and hurtful. Turns out, after to talking to other kids, my experiences were pretty unusual. 

What I took into adulthood were very broken ideas about myself and my role in relationships. I let others exploit and abuse me as I had been abused. I did for others and what they should do for themselves. I didn't just help, I enabled and carried others. And was too hard on myself. I expected too little of them and too much of me. My entire identity was non-existent. There was no me, just them. My reality was flip-flopped to the point of living in a parallel universe. My normal was abnormal and vice versa. 

I saw that others' worlds were different but had no idea why that was. I assumed and was told, that it was because I was wrong, bad, flawed and constant disappointment to others. That I was just getting what I deserved. So I kept giving and they kept taking. And then that wasn't enough so I gave up everything and then just gave up. 

Am I saying I was perfect? Yeah, pretty much. But for the wrong reasons. I never disappointed because I was scared to. I didn't complain or talk back because I was taught that this was unspeakably wicked (and not just stuff normal kids did). And if I had complained no one would listen anyway. They'd just tell me I was too sensitive, showing off or bad. If I'd have had a normal-er childhood, I'm sure I'd have been more occasionally disobedient like other kids. And that would have been safer and healthier for me. It's exhausting and debilitating having being the "model" child, always on pointe and terrified to be anything else.  

And especially when the parents still treat you like a wayward brat no matter how hard you try to be perfect. That's another broken thing about over-demanding, hypercritical parents. You never actually learn right from wrong. You just learn to dodge bullets. You learn that your only job is to keep them happy and fix what they break. If you're good or bad, it's the same result. You can never please but you don't realize that's because they expect too much. You just feel a downward spiraling sense of shame, failure. You feel worth less and less every day. Ironically, you don't give up (but you should). You just keep trying harder and harder and they keep demanding more and moving the goalposts. 

Because when your get too good and being good, they have to change it up. Why would they do that? Why wouldn't they just be thankful you're a good kid?  Well if you ask that then you're a good parent. Good parents are pleased when their children do their best. Even if the children don't succeed, good parents applaud the effort. Good parents expect their children to err occasionally because they are kids. Good parents qualify children's behavior as mistakes. They look for good in their kids and find it.  Bad parents twist good behavior into bad, normal things into mistakes and errors into major offenses. They set their children up to fail and then exploit it when they do. And why would they do that?

Because it fits their spun narrative that the child is the cause of their problems. They do it to defect attention from their selfish, bad behavior. They do it to keep your focus on your failures and not theirs. And to keep you ever-striving to please them. If they don't mix it up, your compliance will show them up. They won't have anything to browbeat you with. In some cases, they actually rewrite rules that contradict themselves. And definitely contradict God.

I was a very biddable kid. I was groomed to turn a blind eye to all my dad's crazy actions and even approve my mother's very immoral behavior that was in direct contradiction from the Bible she preached from. And it was proportional. The more I overlooked and accepted, the more they gaslit me into believing I disobedient. She had me believing I'd said things that were so awful things that she had to slap me though I can't recall saying anything let alone something that would merit that. My dad would rage at me about things I have no memory of doing.  I have very distorted "memories" that I may never be able to put right. 

If this resonates with you, hopefully, one day, the scales fall away from your eyes as mine did. And you will begin to see more clearly. It isn't you that's damaged. It's them and they damaged you. You aren't the failure. You've been I failed. I wasn't flawed, my home life, what my parents modeled for me, was. And if I was disappointing, it was because parents put inappropriate expectations on me. 

I was never going to please them because it's in their own selfish interest to keep me striving. They keep changing the rules because I was too good. You only change something that's not working. And because I worked so hard to obedient, clearly that wasn't the end goal. I have to conclude that at least some or maybe all of these things I'd supposedly done or said were lies told to keep me in constant confusion, fear and hypervigilance. I believe they manipulated situations, lied, gaslit, created chaos, deprived and cut me short on necessities to wear me down. To keep me exhausted, reality blind, nervous, overcautious, ready to jump on command, shell shocked, battered, barmy, broken, muddled and befuddled.  In a word, CPTSD. 

Because oh how you can manipulate a kid who's been driven to rock bottom, convinced it's her fault and desperate to please.