How I'm detoxing from toxic shame

Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. I've been writing a great deal about emotional healing from the effects of parental gaslighting, toxic shame and chronic guilt. What's weird about about toxic shame is the way it feeds on itself. Like right now, the voices (memories) in my head are scolding me, saying "oh give it a rest! Quit dramatizing! It wasn't that bad! You're too sensitive! Everyone's sick of hearing about it! (when  no one had ever heard it)" Like I always heard before. 

So part of how I lost 100 pounds and am working to lose toxic shame and guilt is to talk back to the voices. Now that I recognize the gaslighting for what it was (and still is) I'm airing the room of toxic gas fumes. I'm rewriting the narrative. I'm countering every negative message that keeps playing, with fresh, new detoxed thinking. In short I'm acting as if (Alanon nod here) I can trust my version of events and that I don't believe I'm a total failure. 

So what exactly does that have to do with how I lost 100 pounds? I'm still formulating so bear with me. When I was victim to parental gaslighting, manipulation, exploitation and abuse, I was told and believed that I was powerless, helpless and hopeless. The only way to live was to "serve" others. Translation: do and be everything expected of me, without question. Accept their every dictum, demand and delusion, no matter how irrational and arbitrary. That God was calling me to be used and abused at others' whims. 

For the longest time, like nearly 60 years, I've lived with these beliefs as part of my fundamental being. I wasn't able to consciously articulate them. They exist in my muscle memory, my core. They haunt my dreams. I hid from them because they are too terrifying and mind-effy to address. But God has been helping me to pry my hands off my eyes and look them square on. Or at least in a mirror, like Medusa. 

And the shocker is the feebleness of these ideas when held up the light of day. They are what's powerless. I laugh when I see how ludicrous and absurd they are. Like when you wake from a nightmare and realize IT WASN'T REAL!! The relief is edible! My mind and heart are slowly, with baby steps, learning to feel the peace that passes all understanding. This serenity is real and the gaslighting messages are fake. Many enormous burdens that have been crippling me, are being lifted with this realization. 

As to the weight loss, it was metaphorical as well as physical, or maybe metaphysical, beyond the scope of physical. Being released from the pressure of these crazy, sick thoughts that were planted my brain, being rescued from the crushing weight of toxic shame is the most joy-giving thing that has ever happened to me. Because now I can fully feel and enjoy the joyful life experiences (marriage, children, relationships) that up to now were withheld from me by toxic shame. 

Ironically, though I parented their kids, I was also told that I was too (insert insult) to have children of my own. THIS is the shaming voice of gaslighting. "You must do everything for us but you can't be trusted to do it right." I'm sure you hear the hypocrisy and manipulation in this. It took me decades to. But now that I do, it's plain as day. 

They had to keep my duped, drugged and shackled by shame. If I ever got free of their them, I'd see not only how toxic but also how ridiculous was their behavior. You might wonder, as have I, why I believed the gaslighting things they did and said. It's a fair question and one I'm not sure I have the answer to yet. 

I think it stems from my crippling empath nature and an obsessive need to people please, which they recognized and leveraged shamelessly. Either that or they exploited my naturally caring nature to unhealthy levels. Regardless, all four of the parent figures got exactly what they wanted out of me and I got a deadly self-hatred that almost killed me.

Because it wasn't enough to just get me to do everything for everyone. I had to be made to feel ashamed. Not good enough. Broken. Stupid. Foolish. A disappointment. Bad. Not worthy of basic human needs. That extreme, arbitrary rules applied to me but not them. That God loved, forgave, even approved their every toxic act but me, he hated. No forgiveness for me. 

So I internalized all of it. I sopped it up like a damn sponge. Because it was safer than admitting how much they despised me. Oh yes, that's what it was. I've made excuses to myself. Others have made excuses. They meant well. They didn't know any better. They didn't know how to be parents. Yada BULLSHIT yada! Who means well that sees their child suicidal with shame and just heaps more on??? Who pushed their kid to the brink and then laughs when they fall over??? 

They were NOT raised this way. They did know better. All of my grandparents gave them good homes with things they needed. Not perfect but normal. And they knew how to parent their other kids and teach them to exploit me. They got all excited about every shit their other kids took. Every hobby, interest and pursuit. For me, sneering and shame. 

You like acting? You're showing off. You like theater? Theater is of the devil! You graduated college? Whoopee. You came in late? You can't live here anymore! (age 16). You're being stalked? Ignore it. You were sexually molested. How irritating for me. I might lose my foster care license. on and and on and on. Ad nauseum.

I didn't want to see how little they thought of me. I made excuses for them because no parent could have such hatred toward their kid that they would routinely abuse, endanger and abandon. How could I wrap my mind around that and live?  And that I think, is the gist of it. That's what kept me enslaved. 

And that ironically has also been my way out. Answer: no parent does that. So they weren't parents. I was theirs, in the slave-master way. But they, in some boggling made-up way, had no responsibility to me. And that itself would have been difficult enough. But factor in the egregious destruction of my mind and emotions, and it becomes something inexplicably bizarre and dark. 

Which is my way out because what is inexplicable is either very good of very bad. And since it has no bearing in love, as defined by the Bible, it must be of evil. As Sherlock Holmes says, "once you've established the impossible whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." It  is impossible that their behavior was loving. So improbable as it is, they must dislike me very much. 

Now that I have accepted that, and that what they do is gaslighting (lie, deceive) everything else falls into place. It all makes sense, in a distorted way. The cloud cuckoo shein could only exist if I kept quiet and upheld lies. So I was kept quiet by toxic shame which I was already prone to. 

My way out is to examine each wrong thing that was said and done to me with the eyes of a loving adult. To reparent myself. This is going to take a long time cause there's a lot of wrong to rethink.  

 

  

How I lost 100 pounds by going toe to toe with toxic shame

Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. In keeping with my Happy Heart February weight loss challenge, I've been unpacking a lot of emotional health issues related to weight gain. 

Toxic shame and chronic guilt have been in my life for as long as I can remember. Starting in childhood and continuing in adulthood and marriage, I've taken too much on myself and not made others responsible for their part. I've felt guilty for things I had no part in. I've been ashamed of others' behavior as if it were my own. It's so out of control that I'm haunted by dreams of having done terrible things I haven't done. This constant oppression exhausts my resources and I have behaved in ways I shouldn't. But, while being able to forgive others readily, without being asked, I cannot forgive myself. And it just keeps spiraling down. 

Just recently, I began to really look toxic shame in the face. I recently posted about how I'm listening to the voices in my head and it's helping me understand how false and deceitful they are. I always thought that my dreams were from God, trying to get me to see some error of my ways. God, for me, has always been very punitive. Our priest suggested that these dreams may not be from God but from the devil, trying to turn me on myself. This makes sense as I've always struggled with that toxic shame, self-hatred and even self-harm. And the devil is the father of lies. 

In going toe to toe with the toxic shame and voices in my head, I'm  seeing how they've been gaslighting me into a very distorted self-image. That I'm responsible for others' problems, that it's my job to fix everyone, that I'll always fail and must be shamed and beaten into submission to avoid harming anyone. 

So I've been creating safe spaces (more on that later) to meditate on what these voices in my head are really saying.  I cover it in prayer so that the devil, who is very convincing, can't pull me back in. I've been considering where all this toxic shame and chronic guilt stems. I realize that, beginning very young, a fragile house of cards was constructed in my mind, built on lies, exploitation, manipulation, abuse, neglect, cover-ups and gaslighting. 

These have caused a false reality in which to be burdened with inappropriate expectations and responsibilities was normal, healthy and God's will. Where bizarre situations and behaviors of adults were normal and I was the abnormal one if I questioned. As a child, I couldn't do much about it. And as it was done by adults who were supposed to love me, I didn't question. 

Now, with the eyes of an adult (and a parent myself) I have been examining these beliefs and practices. I ask myself, would I consider these things safe and healthy? Would I do or allow these to be done, to a child? Would I expect this of a child? And the answer is almost always, NO! It is not right for them and it wasn't right for me. 

By shining the light of reality on this illusory house of cards I was forced to live in, it topples. Truth shows up my experiences for the dangerous, terrifying, deceitful, unhealthy, unsafe, abnormal, immoral and unnatural things they were. It exposes them as not appropriate or what God wanted for me, but manipulation, self-serving lies, exploitation, neglect and abuse. 

Even as I write this, the voices in my head are screaming. They're telling me I'm lying and exaggerating. That by breaking silence, I'm being disloyal and wicked. I fear that by not kowtowing to the shame and guilt. By saying that I don't always fail and sometimes do good, I'm being prideful. 

But the peace of God, that passes all understanding, is there too. For the first time in 59 years, I'm beginning to accept that what happened was not God's will. I'm learning that secrets that hurt should not be kept. It feels really strange. But I'm going to keep on keeping on, as Alanon says and that with practice, I'll come to a healthier understanding of what's mine and what  isn't my responsibility. 

How I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass by being prepared for "those days"

Hey my dear friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. How ya doing? Me, I'm having one of those days. A day which feels like a year. Where it's one step forward and 26 steps back. All I want to do is put on my jammie pants, crawl into bed with a book and eat lasagna and Lindt truffles (dark chocolate) all day. 

It occurred to me that being ready for these kinds of days is how I lost 100 pounds and overcame the "obesity mindset." And being ready includes understanding why I'm having one of "those days" in the first place. Clearly, I'm needing something: rest, recuperation, down time, a day to not just do something but sit there (thank you Alanon). 

As for the pasta and sweets, I may actually be needing that too. Our bodies are so intelligently designed that they tell us when we are low on something. Our brains operate on glucose (sugar) so if I'm tired, I may need a jolt of sugar to feed my brain. That doesn't mean refined sugar, necessarily. An apple or banana will do just as well. 

Having said that, one day of eating too many truffles won't hurt. It's the pattern unhealthy eating. If I maintain my 1200 calorie diet 80-90% of the time, the cheat days will not derail weight loss. But they can lead to breakdown in the 1200 calorie diet momentum. If you've seen the gastric bypass reality show "My 600-lb Life" you know that obesity happens when "those days" become everyday experience. 

"My 600-lb Life" shows what happens when we're not prepared for "those days." Feeling depressed, anxious, stressed and exhausted can feel like forever. It seems when you're in the tunnel that the light at the end will never shine. "My 600-lb Life" shows overweight people drowning their sorrows in food. Overeating and under-exercising become the norm rather than the exception. And the more we overeat and sit around the more overweight we become and the more depressed, anxious, tired and stressed we become. 

I challenge us in the "New Year, Old You" weight loss plan, to welcome "those days" as a chance to unwind, but to stay the course on the 1200 calorie diet so that we can feel better ASAP. Stay tuned for more on  how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass, with feel good tips, recipes and helps. 

How I lost 100 pounds with KISS attitude of gratitude diet

 Hello my dear friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. During this month of Thanksgiving, I'm exploring how I lost 100 pounds with the Attitude of Gratitude Diet. Working on being more thankful and positive and less irritable and negative, for me, begins with meditation and Alanon slogans. Yesterday I looked at the Alanon slogans "One Day at A Time" and "Just for Today." And today is KISS or Keep it Simple, Sweetie. 

I struggle with a lot of past trauma with CPTSD or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and chronic pain and sleep disorder including nightmares, apnea and arthritis pain. I have a lot of time, when I'm not sleeping due to pain or nightmares, to think. Sometimes I use that time productively and sometimes I don't. I agonize and worry, imagine worst case scenarios, exaggerate, etc.  

I'm looking for ways to relax my mind and so maybe be able to relax my body, or at least keep it to a dull roar. KISS is one way that is helping me. I tend to overcomplicate, micromanage and otherwise make things more difficult for myself and others. I'm working on keeping my thoughts more orderly. I think a word for that would be to focus, to do, as my beloved children's series "Flicka, Ricka and Dicka" learned, to do "one thing at a time and that done is a good plan."

Now that isn't always possible. Society today requires multitasking like never before. Maybe not so much physical, as it in times past, but definitely mental and emotional multitasking. Being freer from the physical tasks as we are now, our minds have to work in overdrive. That's why stress, fear, panic, anxiety and ergo, depression feature prominently in many of our lives. 

I can't do anything about events in my past but I can try to keep them from negatively impacting me any more than they already have. Now you might be tempted to think that the way to do this is to just "put it out of your mind." Don't dwell on it. Forget it. Move on. Well, anyone who's suffered with CPTSD would like nothing more than to let it go. But the problem is IT won't let US go. 

I believe that letting it go might be very dangerous, if it has not been processed properly. I'm 59 years old and it's only been in the past few years that I've actually let myself think and say what happened, how it made me feel and the disastrous effects it's had on me. I did not acknowledge the abuse, neglect, exploitation, endangerment, gaslighting, parentification, parental personality disorders and didn't even recognize these as such until I began to talk about it, think about it and yes, dwell on it a bit. Then it became so much clearer that what I had experienced was not "normal and healthy. It was traumatic, dysfunctional and crippling. 

By fighting the memories, feelings, thoughts, pain and suffering in, I overcomplicate them. I don't acknowledge how devastating they were. I minimize the impact, defend and excuse the perpetrators, beat  myself up and generally overcomplicate. When I accept that the past experiences did happen, when I let them in, I can let them pass through and out. One day at a time, just for today. 

I will definitely blog more about this because it is so critical to healing. 

How I lost 100 pounds and stay sane with Attitude of Gratitude Alanon Slogans

 

Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass surgery or weight loss drugs. This month as part of my 2023 series of weight loss challenges I'm looking at Thanksgiving. Not the dinner so much as the act of being thankful. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by working on the "Attitude of Gratitude diet" and Alanon slogans are very helpful there. One of my favorites is "Just for Today." 

To me, Just for today means that I try to live the best I can without worrying about how I'll do tomorrow. Alanon encourages us to ask for the strength Today to do what would panic and overwhelm us to envision keeping up for a lifetime. Because we don't have to do it for a lifetime. We've been given today and that's all we're expected to live. So how what does that have to do with obesity, being overweight, weight loss or weight in general? How does that relate to the "attitude of gratitude diet"? 

The Attitude of Gratitude diet isn't so much about what you eat as it is being thankful for being able to eat (walk, move, live, love, etc.) I'm thankful to God for giving me this day to live and also that I don't have to worry about tomorrow. I have to plan for it but they are just plans, ideas or goals if you will. I don't have to manage tomorrow's tasks today. 

We see in the show "My 600-lb Life" examples of people's lives who have been all but destroyed by trying to do it all, have it all and fix it all. Sure now we see them crippled by obesity. But they didn't start life like that. Now we see the people on "My 600-lb Life" whining, pouting and being endlessly selfish and ungrateful. But they weren't always like that. Many of the "My 600-lb Life" backstories involve abuse, neglect, shame, and a continual beating down. So they learned to weaponize eating and in turn obesity. 

I read a story about the, at the time, oldest man in the world, who was a Jewish Holocaust survivor. He was asked his favorite food to which he replied that he hadn't a favorite. He was just glad to be able to eat. I urge us all, no matter where we are: overweight, underweight or average, to consider going on an attitude of gratitude diet. To live just for today, being glad and thankful for what we have. I have found that this helps emotional health immensely, if not physical health and weight loss. 

Did you find this helpful? Please like, share and subscribe for more on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or weight loss drugs. 

How I lost 100 pounds by discovering willpower in powerlessness

 Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass. Today, as part of my Spring into Weight Loss challenge, I'm exploring how I lost 100 pounds by discovering willpower in powerlessness. A few days ago I wrote about the paradox of how being powerless is actually empowering. I didn't know then how it works and I still don't, but I have some ideas, as it relates to weight loss. 

What do I mean by "powerless"? Does it equate with helpless and if so, isn't that a further contradiction? That we who are struggling with obesity should just lie down and accept it? Well, yes and no. So Alanon teaches in the 12 steps that the first step is recognizing that we are powerless over people, places and things. And Fr. Richard Rohr extends this to say that only when we find our own powerlessness that we are able to grow closer to God. 

When I was very overweight, I had a moment of complete breakdown where I literally beat myself and cursed my obesity and laziness to lose weight. It was not my best moment. But it was necessary to get to the point where I stopped making excuses, blaming everything else and started looking honestly at how fat I'd become.  I know, we're not supposed to say the word fat. But I was. And I had to accept that and that I didn't like it. 

I had to accept that I was powerless to change others at all and myself only with the assistance of my Higher Power whom I call God. Or, actually, I am the assistant. Alanon doesn't call it a Higher Power for nothing. The strength to change (lose weight, quit drinking, or overcome any addiction) lies there and when I can accept that, and rely on it, I can begin to change myself. 

When I can give up thinking I run the show, when I can stop expecting others to change to suit me, when I can start living the Serenity Prayer, 

"God grant me the courage to change the things I can, accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference." 

My Higher Power is able to work thru me and in me to guide me to do what I need to do. This is the only way. Sheer willpower alone won't do it. I had to want to lose weight and embrace calorie restricting on the 1200 calorie diet whole-heartedly. As long as I allow roadblocks (self-pity, denial of responsibility, making excuses, blame shame, etc.) I won't really apply myself to calorie restricting. 

We see this played out on "My 600-lb Life" in which gastric bypass hopefuls work to lose weight. While "My 600-lb Life" patients continue to deny personal responsibility, blame everyone else, blame shame themselves, pity themselves, lie, make excuses, they continue to avoid calorie restricting. So long as they retain an attitude of helplessness and refusal to accept the help given by "My 600-lb Life" support staff, they do not lose weight. Even gastric bypass can't make it happen. 

But miraculously, when they accept help and work to change, they overcome obesity. That's how I lost 100 pounds. I found willpower in powerlessness. I still don't understand completely how it works and that okay. I don't have to. That's my Higher Power's job. I just trust that He does and I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. And that's a lovely Easter blessing! 

#springintoweightloss

Anoexia, Obesity and weight loss: controlling others vs self-control

Greetings friend of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass (note: if you're wondering why I start every post this way, it's because "how I lost 100 pounds" is one of my keywords so I have to get "how I lost 100 pounds" in three time or so to improve SEO. And explaining that just accomplished that so no more trying to fit it in without sounding awkward LOL! 

One of the goals of my blog is to explore the psychology behind obesity, eating disorders (of which overeating is one) and weight loss. In my last post, we explored the paradox of powerless vs. self-control required for calorie restricting. Today we look at the negative impacts of trying to control others vs. self-control. 

Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia and certainly overeating that leads to obesity have an element of controlling others involved. I know I might get flak from people struggling with anorexia or bulimia or obesity, on that. But consider this: self-harm or the threat of it, is a cry for help. However, the help expected is sometimes narrowly defined by the one seeking help. Said more clearly, self-harm can be a way to get others to do what I want not necessarily what I need. And sometimes, the help I think I need harm those I expect to give it. 

I was parented by a person who constantly threatened suicide. As a young child, I recall him telling me that he was going to "end it all." He continually referenced his low self esteem brought on by his "overly critical parents." He was also one of the most arbitrarily critical persons I know. Was this threat of self-harm a cry for help or a way to bully? I was horrified and wanted to help which of course I couldn't And he said there was nothing I could do anyway, yet kept reiterating the suicide threats. So I'm going with cruel bullying. Low self-esteem can be very self-centered and also weaponized to guilt, manipulate and control others. 

Regarding obesity and anorexia, other forms of self-harm, the controlling comes in when overeating, extreme calorie restricting or bingeing is used to manipulate people or causes others harm. "My 600-lb Life" shows very overweight people being waited on and served by others. "My 600-lb Life" Dr. Now always asks "who is feeding you?" Because someone has be the slave of a person who is crippled by obesity. 

Anorexia or bulimia at the other end of the spectrum can be (note I said can be) just as controlling. A person trying to get his way may threaten to purge. She may refuse to eat, to worry parents and get them to lighten up on expectations. Manipulation is obviously not the only issue in an eating disorder. But for anyone dealing with an eating disorder, it's essential to explore what's behind it. 

Getting healthier is about learning that, as Alanon says, we are powerless over people. The only way we find power is to practice self-control vs. manipulative behavior designed to control others. 

My Weight Loss Secret that has nothing to do with diet

 Hello friends of this blog on how I lost 100 pounds. Writing these posts has become my therapy and I thank you for following. I know sometimes it's kind of raw. I write about what's going on with me at the time, as it relates to weight loss, or not, and I'm hoping it helps you too. Judging by the numbers, the resonance is pretty high. I try not to make it too "pep talkie" definitely not judgey and not even too cheerful. There's nothing I hate more, when I'm low, is a Sweet Polly Purebred trying to perk me up. That said, I have found that positivity over negativity works better for pretty much any health issue, including obesity. 

And that brings me to the point of this post: my weight loss secret that has nothing to do with diet. For background, a big part of how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass was with calorie restricting on a 1200 calorie diet. BUT that came after some other things that had zero to do with calorie restricting. I was only able to, or maybe I should say, realized I needed to follow a 1200 calorie diet, after these things fell into place. 

And it involves several paradoxes. First, I had to hit the wall and spiral into a well of misery. This was not pleasant. But it was necessary that I take the blinders off and accept just how overweight I was AND that it was snowballing downhill at a scary fast rate. So the first step to getting better was to realize just how bad it was. "My 600-lb Life" shows this painful process and how important it is, even more than gastric bypass, for weight loss. 

Like the folks on "My 600-lb Life", I had to stop making excuses for being overweight while also rooting out the reasons for weight gain. Another paradox. I couldn't lose weight or even begin to try until I got it sorted how I went from normal weight, to overweight to obesity. But I had to stop using those reasons as excuses to do nothing about it. 

The next paradox was, as Alanon says in step one,to realize that I was powerless over people, places and obesity. This is not powerless as in the helpless self-pity we see (and which I exhibited) on "My 600-lb Life." That kind blames everyone else and yet expects others to also fix me. I had to flip the script and stop waiting for others to change, to fix me, and take responsibility for me with the help of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God. 

Maybe you, like me, are saying "Whoa, wait, stop. How can I be powerless and still fix myself?? Makes no sense!" And yanno what? Your'e right. I still haven't quite figured it out. But one thing I do know is that it works. When I surrendered to the power of my Higher Power, I received the, I don't know, mojo? energy? willpower? to work at weight loss, with calorie restricting, following 1200 calorie diet. 

Still confused? So am I 😃😏😃 I think that's how it's supposed to be. As Fr. Richard Rohr says, (paraphrased) once we think we know everything we get complacent and stagnant. So I'm approaching weight loss and health and life in general, as the Buddhists suggest, as a learner, a child, with eyes and mind wide open to whatever lessons life and Higher Power have for me today. 

Want to join me on the quest? Stay tuned! 

How I lost 100 pounds by figuring out what's eating me

 Hello my dear friends! I started this blog on how I lost 100 pounds, without gastric bypass, a few years ago. I write about what I'm dealing with at the time because we all deal with many of the same issues in the challenge of obesity or being overweight. Some plus-sized issues for me are anxiety, low self esteem and concomitant depression. Ring a bell? I'm sure it does because anxiety, depression, low self esteem, weight gain and obesity are all part of what Alanon calls a stinkin thinkin pattern that so many of fall into. 

Part of how I lost 100 pounds was to source anxiety, then to determine what I really needed and finally, to go about getting needs met. In my March to Weight Loss challenge, I'm challenging anyone who wants to lose weight, to do a little Alanon type detective work to figure out what's at eating you and then to rethink what you really need in terms of comfort, including but also beyond food. 

Sometimes what's eating me is something so small, or petty, that I'm embarrassed. Getting a lowered rating at work or finding a new crop of wrinkles. Anxiety made worse by long Covid 19 brain fog. Other times, the worry is bigger: worrying over a loved one, coming to grips with my own aging, constant PTSD ish nightmares, grief, exhaustion, long Covid 19 symptoms. And really even defining one stressor as "petty" and another "important" is part of the stinkin thinkin. It says that I have to justify what concerns me, that I'm petty for certain worries. 

The gastric bypass reality show "My 600-lb Life" demonstrates not only the threat to life of morbid obesity but also, morbid stinkin thinkin. It's more than just the obvious self-pity, entitlement and weaponized incompetence we see on "My 600-lb Life." If you listen past the moaning and griping, you hear fear (anxiety). And morbid depression. And toxic shame. I would hazard a guess that shame is the single biggest issue that leads to starring roles on "My 600-lb Life." Shame accounts for as many gastric bypass surgeries as over-eating. 

So that gets me back to my own triggers. Toxic shame. Stinkin thinkin says worrying over a low rating is petty. But I'm going to rethink that and say it's actually huge if toxic shame, low self esteem and anxiety are problems. In my head, this spells FAILURE and that's haunted me since childhood. But happily, sourcing that toxic shame can help me find peace of mind. My kind adult self can comfort  little me and remind her that even if she make mistakes, even if others say she's a bad girl, even if adults guilt her into thinking she has to fix their problems, doesn't make any of it true. As our parish priest, Fr. Chuck is so good to remind us, I'm a beloved child of my Heavenly Father. And so are you. Full stop. 

In the next installment of "how I lost 100 pounds" we'll take that new enlightenment and consider what, then, we need instead of food, for comfort. Be well, my precious friends. 

#Marchtoweightloss #longcovid

 

How I lost 100 pounds in one moment

If you follow this blog on how I lost 100 pounds, you know that I love to write intriguing titles. Today I'm going to share how I lost 100 pounds in one moment. Really. Not that I shed all the weight in 60 seconds with the wave of a wand. But it was kind of magical. What happened was that I experienced a surprise "aha moment" which flipped my entire thought process on it's head and set me off on a path to weight loss. How it happened was, if not easy, pretty simple. 

Backstory: over a period of 8 years or so, a series of unfortunate events had plunged me into morbid obesity. Menopause, the loss of two stillborn babies, depression, anxiety, the antidepressant Paxil had wreaked havoc on my impulse control and pushed me to (what I thought was) comfort eating. Once I started gaining weight, it just snowballed and I went from healthy to overweight to obesity in a scary short time. 

Paxil had a devastating effect on my self-control. It shut off all my limit switches. Paxil made me apathetic and even more depressed. I knew I was waaay overweight but I just didn't care. And worst of all, it seemed I couldn't stop it. I resigned myself to this new me and hated myself even more. But then, my higher power sent me a lifeline (AMDG) in the form of a wakeup call. 

Like Archimedes, the aha moment occurred in the bathtub. If I despised how I looked clothed, it was unbearable unclothed. All I saw was white, bulgy ugly fat. I began to hit my stomach, wishing I could just beat it off. I'd been reading about friends who were able to lose weight and I was so angry with myself that I couldn't. Why not me??

Then, something (Someone) stopped me (higher power). In the midst of this misery, I was blindsided, like St Paul on the road to Damascus, with a lightbulb flashing out "why not you?" Literally, why can't you lose weight? And immediately followed: Zoinks, Scoob!! I CAN!! It's not rocket science! I can practice calorie restricting. I can stop overeating. 

And so I could and so I did. That aha moment of realizing my own power and ability was absolutely revolutionary. Once you find your mojo, your Zen, your Tao, you can do anything. Once you flip the record to the B side, once you quit playing "can't" on autoloop, you discover a whole universe of new affirmations, wisdom and strength. It sounds so simple because it was. Is. It wasn't always easy, but it was easier than I thought it would be. 

Top photo is me in 2013 and bottom side is 2014 after weight loss. If you're interested in more on how I lost 100 pounds (without gastric bypass), stay tuned! 

How I lost 100 pounds using Alanon slogans: Weight loss strategies that work

Hello my friends, so February is upon us but my No Junk January weight loss challenge isn't. I wasn't completely successful but no matter. As Alanon says, progress not perfection. When you fall, just get back on the bike. And Keep on Keeping On. So much wisdom to be had from Alanon. Today I'm thinking about how I lost 100 pounds (without gastric bypass) using these and other Alanon slogans. Because really, alcohol and food addiction aren't that different. 

I've blogged before about how low self esteem led to obesity and confidence to weight loss (and vice versa). Losing weight helped boost confidence. I also write a lot about the gastric bypass reality TV show "My 600 lb Life" because it demonstrates so graphically the links between negativity, low self esteem, depression and obesity. 

Because Alanon slogans are all about positivity, we can use these affirmations to lose weight. Dr. Nowzaradan ("Dr. Now") of "My 600-lb Life" finds that his biggest task with gastric bypass patients, is to convince them that they can lose weight if they want. I realize, looking back that that was a huge part of how I lost 100 pounds. Literally half the battle in overcoming obesity is realizing you can. None of the weight loss strategies will work, calorie restricting, intermittent fasting, even gastric bypass, until you  discover you have the power to overcome. 

That may seem to contradict Alanon's first step which is to accept powerlessness over people, places and things. We must understand that we rely on a higher power for the strength to beat addiction. I found that to lose weight I had to trust the ability that my higher power (whom I choose to call God) placed within me. That has been the experience of the success stories on "My 600-lb Life" as well, that we can't sit back helplessly and wait for someone else to fix us. We have to walk the walk. 

Self doubt, low self esteem and other joy killers derail weight loss

 Hi my name is mar and I'm a fear-of-failure-aholic. Low self esteem, self doubt and other joy killers have derailed so much good, or, should I say, prevented me from seeing good, in me. The loudest demon on my back, self doubt or insecurity, is so ever-present that he's become something of a pet, albeit an ugly one. These pernicious party crashers have even made weight loss more difficult, or more correctly the ability to celebrate weight loss. 

This blog explores how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass. And time and again, I've seen how mental and emotional health play as large a role as physical. How I lost 100 pounds was as much (maybe  more) about caging and managing negative mindsets as calorie restricting. And I realized today how insignificant and even non-existent dings to my self esteem can still send me spiraling. 

As relates to  obesity and weight loss, I call these negative mindsets, "fattitude" which I define as just those hateful, nasty head voices like low self esteem, feeling of failure, self doubt, self hatred and even self  harm. And yes, I'm hearing as I write how often the word "self" is used. Does that mean, on top of everything, that I'm selfish, self-centered or self-absorbed and that I have to feel guilt for that too?? Maybe, maybe, maybe and no. 

No, those of us who struggle with low self esteem aren't necessarily selfish, self-centered or self-absorbed. We can be but more often it means we were raised by people who were. People who may have weaponized their own low self esteem and it our problem. People who blamed, shamed and guilted us for their own insecurities. We thought it was our job to fix their issues and when we couldn't, felt we'd failed, felt hopeless, helpless and horrible. 

This topic obviously requires a ton more thought and discussion. If you identify with any of this, let me just end today's missive with this. Consider muzzling the negative self message beast. Work on, as Alanon says, taping over those messages with positive self affirmations. Get the trowel out and dig around to find from whence this negativity springs and uproot it. It was a real ah-ha! moment when I sourced my self-hatred. I felt so much freer and lighter. 

Like dandelions, the negativity sneaks back when I'm not vigilant. But at least now I know where it lives. Love to you all and peace be with you. 

#howIlost100pounds

"My 600-lb Life" Brittani Fulfer shows joy of weight loss but also cost of obesity

Gastric bypass reality TV show "My 600-lb Life" alum Brittani Fulfer debuted (Facebook image) her jaw-dropping 333 pound weight loss recently in a swim suit and it's obvious that the formerly very overweight woman has made huge strides since the days of morbid obesity, thanks to "My 600-lb Life" gastric bypass surgeon Dr. Nowzaradan and his team. 

However, the cost of obesity are shown in the scars from knee surgery, that the "My 600-lb Life" participant had to undergo, after literally blowing out her knee from carrying around so much weight. I know how being overweight leads to such problems. I've been sharing how I lost 100 pounds, without gastric bypass, in this blog. And there are multiple health problems, diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol, that I no longer have after weight loss. 

Does weight loss fix all chronic pain issues? No. Would that it did, but some, such as arthritis, scoliosis and tendinitis are structural and will probably never be completely healed. However, weight loss does improve them. And there is no health condition I know of that weight loss, if being overweight is a problem, won't help. 

It's not uncommon for people to blame overeating on pain issues. But the truth is, it's the other way around. The "elephant in the living room" as Alanon calls it, that we don't want to acknowledge, is that obesity damages our bodies. It's not the only thing, of course. I had to have shoulder surgery after getting to a normal weight, because of arthritis and that work I've done caused shoulder injury. Had I still been overweight, the recovery would have been more difficult. 

So I rejoice with Brittani Fulfer and anyone who has worked so hard to get better. And I urge anyone who is struggling with weight related issues and/or trying to lose weight to work that program. As Alanon says, practice makes better. Don't quit quitting. I'm rooting for you! 

#howIlost100pounds

(pictures are of my weight loss because I'm not

Who's up for weight loss with No Junk January?

 Hey friends, the New Year is  just around the corner. Are you up for a weight loss challenge?  I've found that my eating habits have strayed off the path (actually, down the verge into the ditch up and are hurtling down the cliff. So I'm starting a personal No Junk January eating plan (diet). For 31 days, I'm purging sweets, salty snacks, fast, fatty and fried foods. If I lose weight, bonus. If I just get healthier, that's great too. 

If you're like me, you make resolutions and forget them by February (or January 3 lol). That's okay, though because this is just for one month. Losing weight, like any other, personal growth initiative has to be done in increments. Like Alanon says, planning on doing something forever is so daunting that failure is certain. So let's do this weight loss challenge one day at a time. We won't think about the end of January just yet. We'll just take the first step, and then the next, one at a time. 

Every few days, I'll try to provide ideas, tips and updates. For today, my first step is identifying triggers. Tomorrow I'll post more about my triggers. For now, I'm losing the tortilla chips, candy, cookies, baked goods, chips and dip. If you want to join me, in this No Junk January weight loss challenge, start by listing your diet kryptonite. More tomorrow! 

How I lost 100 pounds by deleting old messages on service vs. self-care

Who here recalls recording on cassette tapes? You could re-record but first you had to "erase" existing recordings. Now with cellphones, it's similar technology, except we delete old messages. This relates to weight loss, too. Part of how I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass or drugs was by deleting old messages on service to others and creating new ones about self-care. Alanon teaches a similar concept. 

I was raised on the old maxim that to achieve JOY, you put Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. Which is good, to some extent. However if you're an empath like me, you translate that as serving Jesus by putting others always and yourself never. I learned young to ignore my own needs, wants, feelings and ideas and be a servant to all.  I was so busy trying to please everyone that I made myself miserable. 

It wasn't just obesity that this indentured servitude caused. That came later in life. In the early days, it meant denying myself (or being denied) everything including enough food to sustain. For much of my early life, I didn't have my own bed or pillow. I had to buy my own shoes and sanitary napkins. I had to raise siblings. I learned to make the best of situations that weren't even safe, let alone healthy.  

Self-care, I learned, was selfish and self-centered. That I should suffer with joy. That I should serve without appreciation or reward. My role in life was to help, do for and fix. I took care of everyone. Except my grandparents. There I could be a kid. There, I had what I needed. But their voices weren't loud enough to drown out the other messages. Those said I had to earn everything, including love. And no matter how hard I worked or how much I gave, it was never enough to buy that. 

So what does this have to do with weight loss or weight gain? Everything. Getting healthier requires several things: 

1) recognizing you're ill. 

2) discovering that you deserve to be well. 

3) deleting old messages that tell you otherwise. 

4) learning how to be well. 

5) understanding that you can serve others and still take care of yourself. 

6) Knowing that if serving others is keeping you from self-care, you're doing it wrong. 

7) Discerning when someone needs your help and when they are manipulating and exploiting you. 

8) Coming to the awareness that you don't have to and shouldn't help when it harms you. 

9) Believing that No. Is a complete sentence. 

10) Accepting that God wants you to be healed and that He will help you do that. 

So this post has been as much catharsis for me as advice for you. But catharsis is painful as well as healing. It's still very much a work in progress for me. And I hope, if any of this resonates with you, that you'll read, mark, learn and inwardly digest. If you need someone to tell you that you DESERVE happiness and wellness, please, let it be me. Love, mar

Overcoming obesity "thin fat" is as much Alanon as calorie restricting: how weight loss alone fails

Hello dear readers whom I hope I may call friends. In today's chapter on how I lost 100 pounds, I'm looking at obesity shame, "dry fat" and how weight loss alone fails to heal. You may be wondering what "thin fat" means. It's a term I coined, similar to the "dry drunk" of Alanon. A "dry drunk" is an alcoholic who, while not actively drinking, is still not in recovery because all the "stinkin thinkin" that led to alcoholism remains. 

"Thin fat" refers to someone who has lost weight but still hasn't addressed the obesity mindset, or what I call "fat think." I'm going to use as an example, Mama June Shannon of Honey Boo Boo and From Not to Hot fame. Mama June is an extreme example, but many of us struggle with "fat think" even after weight loss. 

Mama June Shannon, mother of pageant star Honey Boo Boo, enjoyed huge weight loss after gastric bypass and other plastic surgery on a reality TV show "From Not to Hot." However, immediately after this transformation, she reverted to old behaviors (fat think). Probably even while she was being nipped and tucked, she continued eating the same. June Shannon has gained back 100 pounds (and counting) but claims to be "comfortable" with it. My guess is this is an excuse to avoid doing the work required to lose weight and also because she never really dealt with the fat think that led to obesity. 

She was one of those gastric bypass patients, such as those seen on "My 600-lb Life" who believe that bariatric surgery alone will lose weight.  I lost 100 pounds without gastric bypass. And while I made a million mistakes, one trap I avoided was the bariatric surgery myth of miracle cure. My weight loss was as much Alanon as calorie restricting: I had to examine old patterns of stinkin thinkin, in my case an obesity mindset which led to weight gain. 

I have always considered myself overweight, even when I weighed 110 pounds. I guess I had a form of anorexia, at least mentally. This "fat think" caused untold damage: terrifyingly low self esteem, anxiety panic attacks, depression, stress eating and more I probably haven't even unpacked yet. Weirdly, when I got overweight, it was hard to see because I had such a skewed self-image. I even hit morbid obesity and didn't realize until I took off the "blindness glasses" (more on that later). 

I cannot stress enough that healing obesity is about so much more than weight loss. Further if you lose weight without addressing the stinkin thinkin (and keep revisiting it because it is baffling, cunning and pernicious) it's very easy to regain the weight. Recovery really is one day at a time, every day. Stay tuned for more on how I lost 100 pounds. 

How I boost confidence to lose weight by flipping the script

 Hello again, your friendly neighborhood weight loss coach back with another installment on how I lost 100 pounds and how you can lose weight too if you need to. In my last post, we looked at how weight loss boosts confidence and confidence helps lose weight. And I could hear some of you saying, great, but how do I make confidence where none exists?? Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by
flipping the script. 

So you know how low self esteem tells us we're losers, right? Not in the good kind of obesity losers, the complete and utter failure kind. "My 600-lb Life" shows extreme examples of where this Alanon stinkin thinkin gets us. Low self esteem batters us with negative messages about how much we suck as people. The monkey on our back sneers "lose weight?? you can't even manage to close your mouth, let alone manage a long term diet!" 

The key here is, then, to talk back to that wretched low self esteem and stinkin thinkin. To kick the monkey off our back and out the damn door. To flip the script from negative to positive self-statements. A good way to accomplish that is to use another Alanon slogan, "fake it till you make it." Just start calorie restricting even though stinkin thinkin is telling you it won't work. Just pretend it will work. Imagine yourself losing weight. It's a biological fact that calorie restricting will lose weight. So you will make it. And as you do, you'll feel stronger, more in control and happier in your own fur! 

Stay tuned for more on how I lost 100 pounds. 

How I lost 100 pounds by healing low self esteem

Whether you need to lose weight, gain it or maintain a healthy weight, it's important to address mental health, not just physical. Said differently, weight loss (or gain) is not just about calorie restricting or what diet you're on. It's about dealing with underlying emotional struggles. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by working on low self esteem and stinkin thinkin (Al-Anon) 

I thought my biggest issue was (and was medicated for) depression. But that was only a manifestation of the real issue: low self esteem. Beginning in 1997 through 2004, we experienced a series of unfortunate events. I had major pregnancy complications with our fourth child, lost two stillborn infants, moved into a house that required huge and unexpected repairs (think all broken windows, a collapsed ceiling and burst water pipes). 

We'd sold our mobile home for cents on the dollar to get into this house which we'd allowed the current tenant to live in till her Habitat for Humanity home was ready. Five months later and multiple queries as to when we could move in (met with "her home isn't ready yet") we discovered she'd vamoosed--leaving unpaid bills, damaged electrical and water pipes, collapsed ceiling, burst toilet, broken windows and a dead snake out back(!)--almost immediately after we'd first seen the home. The landlord, our church, BTW, didn't bother to check up because she was living rent-free. She got her nicely move-in ready Habitat for Humanity home while we were stuck with the mess she'd left behind. 

When we saw the house in November, we noted what would need to be done. And there was plenty then. Needless to say, sitting vacant five months left the house in condemned-notice condition. It was actually us who discovered the tenant had split. We drove by one night in March, saw the doors hanging open and everything a mess. 

We alerted the sellers who basically said we were stuck because we agreed to buy it ("remember what a good deal we gave you??") And we were also desperate being now homeless. We had undersold the mobile home for $3,500 (valued at $12,000) because the mobile home market was low and because we didn't want to LET THE SELLERS DOWN when they were finally ready to sell. 

Everything needed fixing. We had to fix it alone with no help from seller which drained our bank account. Husband was juggling two jobs in different cities. Oh, and we still paid the full asking price of the house, no discount for damages. 

Yes, we should have pulled out or at least demanded that things be restored to the condition we'd originally seen it in. Yes we should have insisted they find us accommodations till said repairs had been done. No I shouldn't have tried get the house livable with just my four kids to help. No my  husband shouldn't have had to work on the house after work, just to get it habitable. No, we shouldn't have been so nice and should have been thorns in various backsides. 

But that brings me back to the original point of this blog post: low self esteem. Both my husband and I struggle with it. Why did we allow ourselves to be so taken advantage of? Because we figured that this shambles was good enough for who it was for. And did the sellers chime in with the guilt: we should be grateful that we were getting "such a good deal." We weren't, they were and they knew it. They'd neglected the house, not monitored the tenant and now would be lucky if the city didn't make them liable, if we didn't buy it. Under the table mind you. 

So like two muggins, we bought it. Stinkin thinkin told us it was the best we deserved. Operative word: we (he and I). We knew our kids deserved MUCH better and we wanted, but failed to get it for them. That caused massive anxiety and guilt. Which drove self esteem even lower. Queue the depression, misery and yes even fights (you tend to take out frustrations with those you feel you owe gratitude for hurting you, on those you love). Weird. Vicious cycle. 

Part of how I lost 100 pounds was to get at why I thought so little of  myself. There is a book series in that answer. And maybe I'll write it someday. Suffice, for this blog post, to say that learning to recognize that I was a beloved child of my Heavenly Father (thank you, Fr. Chuck), who wants the best for me, not just good enough for who it's for, helped a lot. So did giving myself permission to express needs, wants, dissatisfaction and frustrations. To say no to manipulative, exploitative situations. To practice self-care. 

A part of my old stinkin thinkin narrative says I should make disclaimers and defend toxic behavior. The monkey on my back worries that you readers may think I'm dramatizing, attention-seeking or just an idiot. Low self-esteem talks like that. Lots of auto blame-shame. I'm also tempted to defend the house sellers, saying they meant well, didn't realize the extent of the damage, yada yada. But I'm not going to. It should have been handled differently and we were treated badly. We are still dealing with negative repercussions.  

So we got screwed over. However, the real responsibility is down to us, to change this stinkin thinkin. We realize, in retrospect, that we are just too nice, or just pushovers. We've been stung multiple times, and should have spoken up about. We are learning together how to advocate for ourselves and not to let ourselves get taken advantage of in future. Because we don't deserve it no matter what you say, skinkin thinkin. 

This post may seem far afield for a blog about weight loss. However, concepts like low self-esteem are actually a large part of how we get overweight (or underweight, anorexic, bulimic, etc) in the first place. Many physical problems originate in our heads. Not our imagination, our stinkin thinkin. 

Love to you all and stay tuned for more.