Hi friends. I was working in my garden today and suddenly I felt overwhelmed, overheated, exhausted and defeated. The weeds seemed too much. The ants are riding herd. And I felt done in. So today, maybe for the first time ever, I did something the voices in my head say is wrong but felt right. I quit. I went in the house, sat in the cool and decided to compose a post for us on things we've been told are wrong but which are actually helpful things to do when we're at our wits end.
Quit. Holler "Uncle!!" Give up and give in to the helplessness. Surrender. We've been told that quitting is the coward's way. That giving up is makes us weak. That halting is being lazy and selfish. That surrendering is taking the easy way out. That giving in is coping out. And? You're point? So what if someone thinks I'm lazy, weak and a coward? I'm also healthier, saner, more at peace and actually a better person by not fighting a losing battle.
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel stronger. Maybe in 15 minutes. Who knows? Who cares? One thing I know is that the world is not going to come screeching to a halt if some weeds exist and ants are let to live. But problem is, that's what I've always been told and now tell myself. If I "fail" to do something someone (even the voice in my head) tells me to, I'm a failure. If I don't slog on, I "let someone down" and I'm worthless. Then this gives them the right to abuse me anyway the wish because I deserve no better. Not jumping to comply with my parents was unspeakable wickedness. Even though they were pretty lazy, weak, demanding, cowardly, selfish and exploitative themselves.
Because here's the kicker. We have been told those things BY THE VERY PEOPLE IN WHOSE BEST INTEREST IT IS FOR US TO KEEP STRUGGLING. That we have to keep trying, helping, waiting on, working and driving ourselves mad with anxiety. People who do not serve others or even care for themselves but expected us to serve and cater to them. They conned us into thinking that quitting was some kind of mortal sin. As they quit, dropped the ball and took the lazy, selfish way out with us all our lives.
People who move in and take over your life. Who make themselves to home, don't lift a finger to help, trash the place, take themselves out to lunch and then demand to know when you'll be serving dinner because "they're hungry." And me coming home exhausted from work, hauling myself up to go make dinner for these entitled people who are lounging around doing nothing. And who have the audacity to complain about the meals I serve.
Or other people who are so "prostrate with exhaustion" from doing nothing that you have do their work for them, clean their house, do their laundry, make and clean up supper, mind their kids so they can continue to rest. I laugh when I remember my step mom, issuing instructions from the couch, too "faint" to get up and move. And my dad, too lazy to tend to her himself, dumping it all on me. How are you so exhausted? You haven't done a damn thing! I'm the one who's crippled with pain, hungry and tired. But it's all down to who gets their version in first, I guess.
But today, here's me doing something different. Here's me confronting instead of complying. You're hungry? Go get us all something to eat. And shame on you for not offering and for taking yourself out and not bringing something to share. And get your dirty shoes off my couch. And here's the dish rag, soap's in the cupboard. And you're tired? Welcome to my world. My back is killing me from dancing attendance on you. Get up off your fat ass, shut off the TV and quit eating yourself to death. I won't be your live-in-maid-nanny-cook-bottle washer anymore.
So those are conversations with the voices in my head. It doesn't matter if I ever actually have them because I've gone super low contact and won't need to. And so it's just weeds and ants I'm standing up to (or should I say backing down to lol). I'm doing what is best for me. And sometimes that is giving up and giving in. Not that I'll never try again. I'm just listening to my body right now and letting it guide me instead of pushing it till I'm ill. And I'm surrendering to my Higher Power. I'm letting go and letting God.
Does that mean I leave a bunch of work for others? Nope. Does that mean I expect someone else to wait on me? Of course not. But the ironic thing is that now that I'm in healthier relationships with a family of my own, they do care for me and pick up the slack. And I don't expect it. I appreciate it. Critical difference.
And Yup, when you say "I quit" you'll hear (from those bossypants exploitive takers) stuff like "Giving up? That's wrong! When the going gets tough, the tough get going." And indeed I am. I'm both tough and I'm getting going to a happier, healthier, safer place for me, away from pushy, self-centered control freaks. I'm taking back charge of my life. I control me. They may have had done when I was young but they don't now. I just gave in an let them push me around. I let them guilt me into bowing to their commands. But now I call the shots about what I will and will not feel obligated to do.
If they need something bad enough, they'll find a way to get it. I really don't care how, only that it's not at my expense anymore. If they can find other people to exploit, well, I'm sorry for those people. I hope they get out too. But I have no control over that.
It's sad it has to be this way. I didn't ask for this. I deserved better. And I'm a loving, giving person. I enjoy doing for others. But not when it's expected, not appreciated and never reciprocated. It was just me doing all the giving and them taking advantage of that. So now I choose who I'll give to. And that will be to grateful people who appreciate and don't demand it.
This shaming and exploiting has to stop somewhere and since I know they never will, I have to. Fortunately and thanks be to God, I have a loving, generous caring partner encouraging me to end it. Self-sacrifice is great when it's received correctly. If it becomes expectation and taken for granted, no. That is good for no one.
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