Hello my friends! I have some good news to share from the healing CPTSD front. I got in a fight with my husband. LOL so how's that good news, you're asking. It's a step forward for me because I realized that it was triggered by memories of abuse by my narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And by rooting out those triggers, I was able to understand how I completely misunderstood what my husband was saying. I heard them as my dad and mom, stepmom and stepdad would have said them which was harsh, judgmental, hypocritical and shaming.
I realize that I have done this all throughout our relationship. I have played out the childhood trauma drama on the stage of our relationship because it was safer than dealing with my perpetrator parents. I have allowed (maybe even forced) myself to think that the problems were with me and husband by association because that's what they always said and because he was safer to fight with. He loved me, has my best interests at heart and wanted unity. We are evenly matched. They didn't. They were enmeshed, arrogant, self-centered, exploitative, sadistic and cruel bullies.
It was never a fair fight with them. They backstabbed, ambushed, humiliated, blame-shifted, manipulated, triangulated, scapegoated and punished. I know that NOW. I didn't then. I just thought I was the fault and they were right to do any abusive thing they wanted. So I just gave in and let them. And so today, I'm exploring how critical it is in healing both CPTSD and relationship issues, to source and examine the narcissistic dark tetrad parents abuse triggers.
So in the recent fight, we were discussing some political issues. I made a statement of beliefs which my husband has also made. But he seemed to immediately contradict them when I said it and then scold me for saying it. Like it was okay for him to do and say these things but not me. That's what I heard because that is exactly how my parents and their partners have always treated me: with scorn, derision and shaming for things I said or did. EVEN things they themselves said and did.
If I did something "wrong" (which I have to put in quotes because I'm not sure now if it was wrong or just them saying it was to humiliate me) they would seize on it and make a federal case out of it. They would publicly mock and embarrass me. They looked for things to criticize me for. They lied and said I did things I didn't. Even though they did the same things to me. I was belittled and attacked for things they approved their other kids doing. There were two very different sets of rules and the double standards were off the charts.
So when my husband seemed to do this to me it felt very familiar. Not comfortable mind you. It set off all the old feelings of shame, frustration, confusion, self-disgust and anxiety. And some new ones that I'd only just recognized as always being there but not being safe to show: righteous anger, resentment and exasperation. I told him I'm sick of being told off, told I'm wrong all the time. I'm not a child who needs discipline. I've had enough of being patronized, condescended to, purposely misunderstood. I'm tired of my motives being questioned and undermined, of what I say being twisted. I've had it with being corrected, like I'm too stupid to think for myself or hold my own ideas. Especially when I'm saying the same thing he is.
And then it hit me. That's exactly what I want to say to these people who call themselves my parents. It's not him, it's them. I have had enough of their nonsense for a long time now. I hate how it's made me a cringing, fearful, groveling people pleaser. I loathe how it's robbed my confidence, identity and self-esteem. I despise how all their shaming has rendered me unable to protect myself. And I thought, enough is enough. It ends here.
And then that led me to realize how I've often misunderstood him because I'm so accustomed to being mistreated. I'm used to being second-guessed, blamed, faulted, set up, betrayed and used. I realized that I'm used to it because it happened all the time. It's all I know and I just expect it. When I stopped to re-examine what he actually said, I was shocked at how wrong I'd gotten it. He was saying just the opposite of what I thought. He was agreeing and affirming me but since criticism is all I know, I just assumed he was too. And sadly but also somewhat happily I see that I've done this all our life. I'm happy I finally got it but sad it took me 43 years to do so. Such is the brain damage of CPTSD.
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