Hello my friends! I'm on vacation visiting seven of our 12 grandchildren. My partner doesn't do vacations well at the best of times. The addition of a lot of clamoring children doesn't help. Don't get me wrong. He's hard-working, loving and good with the kids. He does not do stress well. And as we all know vacations are one big stress package deal. Which he has gotten accustomed to leaving me to deal with. And then often whining, yes actually pouting and throwing a tantrum like a petulant preteen about choices I have to make. Or circumstances beyond my control that I'm trying to fix under pressure. Like a flight delay and having to decide whether to get on another flight to avoid missing a connection.
He weaponizes incompetence, pretending not to have heard them or understand what they are talking about. And then demands that I explain to him slowly in teeny tiny baby steps using the voice I would use for a child and being completely patient with him. All while trying to navigate airline customer support, waiting on hold, trying to understand them, dealing with unhelpful gate agents, switching flights and then gates, figuring out boarding passes etc. He gets petulant with me over gate agent's intractable or rude behavior but doesn't address them.
He whines that he "doesn't get it" and then demands that I go over it again. He interrupts to ask stupid questions (yes there are stupid questions) as I'm on the phone trying to sort the mess out. I don't understand what the hell I am doing let alone being capable of explaining it to him who goes out of his way to be obtuse and decrying technology and how things were better in the olden days. Of which he knows nothing because he was never in an airport when he was young let alone on an airplane.
Then factor in them not sending us a boarding pass and the nasty gate agent refusing to give me one when I can prove to her that I have tickets. She tells me to just get in the wait to get it sorted line while she is literally boarding the plane we are supposed to be on. She is clearly not dealing with the people in line which is for people who don't have tickets who are just trying to get on this plane and who won't let in line to just get the freaking boarding pass. Husband sides with gate agent and yells at me to just do as she says. As the plane flies off without us. Fortunately or not, I'm loudmouthed and keep pestering till another gate agent comes over and sees we have tickets prints them as she's telling him not to let anyone else on. We make it just as the gates are about to close. (I did permit myself a smirk of satisfaction to hear him scolding her as we scoot past for not helping us.)
This happened to several of us by the way. We only got on this second flight because I don't back down. At least six people were left in the same predicament ss the plane flew away. And husband is still nagging me about what we're supposed to do as I'm almost dragging him down the loading tunnel. And is still arguing with me. As if he knows anything all about what is going on. He who has paid no attention, stuck his head in the sand and feigned ignorance, who loudly proclaimed that he doesn't get it and harassed me to keep explaining it when he has no intention of trying to understand, is perfectly confident to quarrel with me about how to handle it. We probably would still be sitting at the airport a week later if it were up to him. LOL.
When we finally get on the plane, he's all rosy sunshine because he got his way. He got to act like a entitled, spoiled brat and Mommy fixed it for him. There were no consequences for his actions. His happy ass was not left sitting at the airport as his behavior warranted (and has warranted in times past). And not only that he got to preen himself that he was actually helpful because he asked ex post facto, if he could do anything to help. After being a completely useless thorn in my side who only made a terrible situation worse.
So that is just one example narcissistic and immature adult behavior which would be difficult enough to deal with. But add to it that I was raised by narcissistic dark tetrad parents who behaved immaturely and irresponsibly toward me. Who parentified me and made me as a child take care of them, their new partners after they divorced and their new kids, as if I were the parent. In short, I'm used to catering to selfish, manipulative, arrogant, demanding, cruel childish adults. I default to placating, humoring and fixing everyone's self-made problems.
So, now, where does that leave me now. Still humoring and placating. Still solving their problems. It's all I know. And I gaslit myself because they have gaslit me, that I'm letting everyone down if I don't wait on them hand and foot. That I'm a worthless, nuisance failure unless I'm serving. And even all the serving and caregiving isn't good enough because they are so demanding, lazy and entitled that nothing ever satisfies them. They made me believe that there's always room for improvement when I was doing something. That I was attention-seeking if I asked for approval (which was never forthcoming). But also, that they owed me nothing. That I was the one being selfish if I expected basic care that all children need, from them. The double standards were off the charts outrageous.
And I brought all those dysfunctional in normal life but critical for survival of chaotic life trauma responses with me. I kept on placating, humoring and caregiving adults. And he got very used to expecting it. So does this mean I brought this on myself. That I showed him how to treat me and he's just doing what I allow? No. Healthy, kind adults don't treat people badly no matter how much the person might be willing to allow. Healthy, kind adults feel empathy and compassion for abused traumatized people and treat them better than they've come to expect because of it. Adults take responsibility for their actions and choices. They do not blame-shift, find fault with, manipulate and take advantage of others' generosity or care. They help other people be their best selves. They do not do things that trigger harmful coping responses of others.
And that is what my husband does. Maybe without realizing it, I don't know. But he exploits all my weaknesses and pokes all my sore spots when the mood strikes. I will say at his worst he's never been as bad as what they were at their best. And if you thought, after reading the airport nightmare that they must have been pretty bad, you would be right. Because he, at some point, will realize that how awful his behavior and admit it and they never did. He's never cruel or nasty. But that doesn't make it any easier. Because regardless, he is still taking advantage of me and causing me to respond in ways he knows I will to give him what he wants.
But I also can't wait for someone else to stop being demanding, manipulating and exploiting me. I have to find a way to stop trauma responding, accepting unacceptable behavior, humoring adults like children and enabling him to continue. If he won't treat me better, I have to treat me better. Having said all that, I'm not entirely sure how to do that. I think it begins with allowing logical consequences and not being a human bumper. And ignoring the whining and just carrying on doing what I believe is best. If he makes a fool of himself, I can't help it. I think I need to stop JADE-justifying, arguing, defending and explaining.
I need to accept that just because he asks a question doesn't mean I have to have an answer or even give one. If he doesn't like it, oh well. I can't help that. Just because he needs something doesn't mean I have to provide it unless it is in my best interests also and not just to keep the peace. There will never be peace with people like this. And peace at any price is no peace at all. I have to do me. I have to take care of myself. I have to help myself. If in so doing it helps someone else, fine. But this helping others by hurting myself, this giving away too much and receiving too little, must stop. I don't know how but it has too because I can't, won't and should not tolerate any more.
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