Hello my friends. On my quest to heal CPTSD (complex childhood post traumatic stress disorder) from a lifetime of abuse by four narcissistic parents, I'm looking at weird panic responses that dark tetrads (manipulative, narcissistic, entitled, arrogant and sadistic) instill in their kids. These are caused by the constant fear, anxiety and stress their chaotic, neglectful, abusive, excessively punitive, humiliating, malicious, exploitative, risky and dangerous behavior causes. Dark tetrads are vicious, pathologically jealous, backstabbing and deceitful. Life with them is frightening and exhausting. Life for the child of dark tetrad parents is hell on earth. Here are some panic responses I've developed over the years that I only at 60 began to understand as originating from my parents' treatment of me.
I'm hypervigilant. I constantly look over my shoulder and expect punishment and shame. I flinch and startle at the smallest sounds. I hear scolding and criticism where it doesn't exist. And where it does, I immediately feel shame and quickly amend whatever I'm doing to please them. I even dream I expected to do all sorts of things without resources and am scrambling to meet them. It is so wearying.
I'm a chameleon. I take the Bible injunction to be all things to all people too literally. I act how I think other people expect me to. I ignore whatever I think, need or feel in favor of honoring their wishes. This includes matching my face, words and actions to placate and obey. I've caught myself doing this in my selfie cam of all places. Whenever anyone in my environment does or says anything, I automatically jump nervously and arrange my face accordingly. I fawn, laugh at stupid jokes I don't find funny. I smooth feathers, pour oil on waters I didn't trouble and generally twist myself into a pretzel to give my best approximation of what they seem to want of me.
I'm obedient and subservient which is bad enough in a child but absolutely dysfunctional in an adult. Adult relationships should not be characterized by one person demanding, bossing, lording it over while the other kowtows and hop through hoops to please. In fact, adults should not have expectations for each other in general. They should collaborate and cooperate. I just comply and compromise everything to suit others. And my sanity and self-esteem are compromised as a result.
I'm too biddable, too accommodating, too agreeable. I'm always seeking to keep the peace, which is ridiculous because there is no peace, never has been and never will be any with dark tetrads. They thrive on conflict. They polarize, choose up sides, ambush and create problems for their victims. I have spent my life putting out fires my dark tetrad parents purposely started.
I am more comfortable with unfair double standards than with healthier balance. I don't like living with two sets of rules, one for me and one for thee but it's familiar and all I've ever known. I don't know if I actually believe this is right. I think on some level I know it's not. But it's too much work to fight it. Dark tetrads are so determined to be large and in charge. They steamroll anyone who stands up to them. They bury them in shame and scorn.
I'm tired all the time. The slightest effort seems too much because dark tetrads have worn down my resources. They have punished me for practicing any kind of self-care. Their constant and shifting demands have left me exhausted. Their bizarrely chaotic, hypocritical and hurtful behavior has wounded and crippled me. I have a damaged spine and hips from years of overwork and neglect.
Does all this get better or easier to bear? Will I ever heal? No. You can't heal a broken spirit or replaces drained resources any more than you can regrow amputated legs. What does get better is that by understanding what happened and saying out loud that it did, I can begin to move forward with healthier responses.
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