Hello my fellow travelers on the recovery journey. Today as I work to heal childhood trauma responses from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm look at the dilemma of obedience. I'm seeing how surrendering autonomy and subservience are fawning trauma response we did to survive. I'm going to explore how dangerous "over obedience" is, not only to children in dysfunctional family systems but also in adult life.
Obedience without agency or reciprocity
Children of
narcissistic enmeshed parents learned to unquestioningly and immediately obey every command issued. We were drilled in endless expectations and demands we owed them. But we were never given basic tools with which to do the jobs. Our liberties were withheld. We had no authority or power even over ourselves. Parental enmeshment stole our personhood. And they gave us nothing but grief in return for all they took.
Expected but never explained to
Using an arsenal of weapons like
gaslighting,
future faking, terrorizing, narcissistic rage fests, blame-shifting and
DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), our parents created a narcissistic fantasy world where we were their drudges. They placed all kinds of immoral, illegal, unethical and terrifying demands on us. And just expected us to know what they wanted and perform. My mom and dad (and their second spouses who were also my bosses) would say "you shouldn't have to be told what to do." This came after just hinting that I had somehow ruined everything. Their combined narcissistic rage was so explosive that I cried and begged to be told what I could do to fix it. I see now they didn't explain because they couldn't without outing themselves as the hypocritical, arrogant, unreasonable dictators they were. So I did my best but my best was never good enough for them.
Rigidly plastic double standards
More rigid than any soldier in any military was the tyranny children of
dark tetrad malignant narcissists lived under. And it was even worse because the rules we were held to were ironclad yet plastic double standards. Others in the family were not held to these rules. Our parents bent their own rules to suit t themselves. And then, just when we thought we'd gotten it right, they changed randomly and didn't inform us until it was too late and we'd "broken" these unspoken commands. We constantly fawn to keep them happy but they are always angry.
One Way Street of Obedience
So I feel the need to make a disclaimer about obedience. Yes, it is a good thing when done properly, for the right reasons and by everyone equally in the family. Parents owe their children obedience. They owe it first and without strings attached. They don't do good for their children just to get in return. That's transactional in the wrong direction. Yes, there's give and take. Relationships are transactional. But narcissistic parents only take good and give bad. Healthy parents model what it looks like to serve by serving their children. They model obedience to authority they themselves are under. Narcissistic parents don't obey anyone. They see authority as something to be flouted. They don't apply standards consistently and they break their own rule constantly.
All the work, none of the perks
Probably the worst part of all this is that while dogged obedience and people pleasing was demanded of us, we were never given any authority with which to make all this happen. We carried the mental load and served them devotedly. But they gaslit us that we had no right to actually make decisions for ourselves. We had no power. I was made to parent their children but anytime I set a boundary with the kids, I was told I had no right to. I had to care for them but couldn't correct them. I had to be responsible for them, but wasn't allowed the tools to do the job. I was punished for anything they did. When the children were rude or disobedient to me, they laughed and encouraged them. I had to obey everyone including their children.
"It is a profound betrayal for a child to be held to a moral code that no one else has to and even their own parents feel entitled to violate."
Enmeshed parents scapegoated, parentified and infantilized us.
Religious gaslighting
We were brainwashed to think all this over-obedience was God's will for us. And only for us. I never saw my parent graciously obey anyone, including God. I thought God made special exceptions for them. I was chastised with the rod of shame and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) for infractions I never committed. I didn't understand this till a few years ago. The idea of me as a disobedient failure persists to this day. Because the more obedient you are to arrogant ruthless parents the more they treat you like a wayward brat. Disobedience is harshly punished but so is obedience. It's a lose-lose game.
Obedience doesn't transition well
Fast forward to adulthood or what passes for that in narcissistically abused kids. We drag all this unconscious fawning, people pleasing, blind obedience with us. We obey everyone including adults who have no authority over us. We let them order us around and we comply. We follow through on dictums that they have issued but don't follow. We do all the work of fulfilling their commands while they just sit back and think up more commands for us. We let them tell us how it is and how it's going to be. We never open our mouths and say what we think. We abide by one-sided contracts we never signed. We still believe it's "talking back" or sassing to say no. We smooth over their bad actions and take the blame on ourselves. We communicate all their petulant demands to others in ways that are "nicer" and more palatable. We are go-betweens, liaisons and mediators. We do the heavy lifting of the mental load.
My aha moment:
I used to follow through silently on all the rules my husband handed down without even asking myself whether I agreed. After all, he was the "head of the household" and the father ( I was raised in a very patriarchal "father knows all" mindset. Then I woke up and realized I was doing all the following through on his rules I had never agreed to. I was the one making sure these lengthy groundings he'd set were abided by. And I thought it was a terrible idea. I tolerated spankings and even spanked myself though I didn't believe in it. And my husband was not an overtly bossy or controlling person. He sort of fell into the role I'd assigned him, that of Lord and Master. And me the ever obedient servant.
Then one day I saw how my dysfunctional family had set me up to be this groveling people pleaser. And I had enough. I started setting boundaries (not prettily, quite messy at first). I said I'd decide what commands I'd follow and plan on me not following anything that smacked of "command." Been there, done with that. I would be involved in all decisions in our family. I would be dictating some terms from now on.
And funnily enough, he immediately understood and agreed this was long overdue "disobedience" on my part. He still throws his weight around occasionally (after all, I did kowtow to it for so many years). But then I just use my little word "no" as a complete sentence. I veto contracts I didn't agree to. I say my say.
⚗️ Homework for Healing
We can't change the past, but we do have control over now. Healing means learning to sort fact from wrong-headed opinion.
Opinion: We owe obedience to all. No one owes us a thing.
Fact: Obedience is reciprocal and an option.
Opinion: We must do all the work with no authority.
Fact: We have a voice and a choice.
