Body shaming, modesty policing and "inappropriate" dress: what's REALLY behind it?

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to modesty police. Every day, my home page features a woman saying she's been body shamed for "inappropriate work attire" and asking if her outfit is appropriate. Often, a large number will chime in faulting the clothing as immodest, NSFW or worse, especially when the woman is curvy. When we start down the path of criticizing others, it's a short, slippery slope to shaming. 

What's behind this obsession with body-shaming? Why do we feel entitled to comment and judge another's clothing choice? Well, the superficial answer is, that she did ask. But what prompted her to ask is, that supposedly her style choice was commented on in real life. I say supposedly because I sometimes wonder how often it really happens and how often it's an opportunity to show off. 

Now that sounds like shaming in itself. But it's not. We're a world, obsessed with looks and bodies, AKA, the superficial. We've rewarded people, particularly women, for flaunting themselves. We've told them that looks only matter. We've turned many people, again, particularly women, to pathological, unquenchable attention-seeking. 

Are many of the women who post images of themselves, what social media calls "pick me?" "Pick me" is another term for exhibitionist, someone so desperate for attention that s/he will attempt to one-up others of the same gender, usually in objectifying ways. So the answer is, yes. Often the original poster does come across as "pick me." 

But that doesn't answer why so many people negatively comment or "modesty police" the outfit in question. Some seem to get a thrill out of body shaming. They aren't objective or helpful and are insulting, almost slanderous. And it seems to be to be getting worse thanks to social media. 

We don't know anything about the commenters themselves. They hide behind anonymity and say things in much more exaggerated ways than they would if they would in real life. They feign this brash courageous outspoken, "telling it like it is" when if they were face to face would never say such outlandish things. We also don't know how they personally look or dress or if they might also be questioned on modesty. 

Unfortunately, the loudest are usually the most vulnerable. People in glass houses are often the first to cast stones. The most outspokenly critical, like the Duggar family, usually have the most skeletons. I have made it a stern policy to avoid casting stones. For one thing, I'm not perfect. I know that judging others opens me to judgement. Mostly, because stones hurt. 

So why is shaming such a national pastime? Folks like the Duggar family have a reality TV show based on criticizing others. I suggest the reason stems from hypocrisy, fear and schadenfreude. Hypocrisy tells people like the Duggar family, and social media body-shamers that they are ubermensch, above the rules, and that it's their job to blame and shame others to get them on their definition of righteousness. 

They also fear exposure of their own foibles, immodesty and inappropriate behavior. And schadenfreude is the love of seeing someone made to look foolish, to distract attention from their own foolish behavior. Of which modesty policing is an example. Because the truth is that no one can really define what is and isn't appropriate in the wide world of clothing. And it isn't even about clothing but a need to see someone else feel uncomfortable.  

I was modesty policed and body-shamed (at a funeral, no less!)

In this blog about how I lost 100 pounds, I've been exploring modesty policing (esp. by the "Cleavage Awareness League" as I call them) and female body shaming in general. Honestly, I didn't really believe that anyone had the gall anymore, to call out another person on "modesty." (Unless you're a Duggar, of course). When I was younger, sure. It was common. But I thought we'd grown up, learned to mind our own business, avert our eyes if necessary and shut up. However, I discovered, firsthand, at a funeral no less, that public body shaming does still happen. And it really can undermine your confidence and self-esteem if you let it. But you shouldn't. 

Weirdly, I feel the need to explain what I was wearing and what she called me on. As if I need to justify my dress choice and show how she was out of line. It was a funeral and I was wearing a dark floral dress that was form fit but not too tight or overtly "sexy". Think professional, well-dressed (see picture). I wore heels and hose (gram would love me!) because I wanted to dress nicely for my friend's dad's funeral. I was raised to look your best to show respect. The cut of the dress showed a hint of cleavage, not the Great Divide.

Anyway, I was sitting in the church pew, turned sideways to talk with my friend before the service. My dress must have pulled a bit to one side, showing just a little of the top of my breast or lower neck, on that side. No nipple or even cleavage really. No fear of that in the foundation garment. Everyone was in her place, lol. Just an inch or so of lower neckline. Friend says, boldly, no attempt to lower her voice. "You might want to cover up, you know to be polite." 

I found it ironic that she used the term "polite." I was raised to know that minding your business, when it doesn't harm you, was polite. And opening your mouth to point out "flaws" in others' is impolite. And how is my body "impolite?"

I looked down, adjusted my dress a fraction and that was that. But afterwards, I spent the rest of the day, worried, paranoid and fussing with my dress. I couldn't concentrate on the mass or prayers. This is mental undermining that body shaming causes. I suddenly didn't feel confident, but somehow disrespectful. I felt a little disgusted with myself, both for being sensitive to the criticism and also for, possibly, dressing "inappropriately" (monkey on my back). 

If I said it made me feel insecure, I can hear the retorts. She was only "trying to help." There's no need to be so sensitive, right? No need to take friendly advice so personally, right? WRONG. It's not "friendly" advice. The friendly thing to do, and which I do, all the time, if I don't like something I see, is to MYOB. How is it helpful to make me feel like a tramp, flaunting myself? Answer: it isn't. 

It's also passive-aggressive, posing as nice but actually a little nasty and condescendingly superior. And of course I felt sensitive because it was meant to "sensitize" me to my fashion faux pas. And I don't need to grow thicker skin. The body-shamer does because being "offended" by my dress is her choice. Can say something isn't always should. Also, I have to wonder if she would have pointed this out to another woman her age or whom she felt intimidated by. I doubt it. I've always had a target on my back that shamers can see a mile off. I'm easy prey for those who act superior but in fact probably feel a little inferior or insecure themselves.

I may sound like I'm just attacking this person because she hurt my feelings. She didn't and I'm not. I considered the source. But it did make me second-guess and stress. And I do worry how behavior like hers can cause a lot of unnecessary pain and shame for people who are already body ashamed. I guess it's just a good reminder to practice owning my own and ignoring. Having said that, I will say I'm utterly sick to death of the word modesty. It angers me the way "modesty" has been used to humiliate, shame, put down, subjugate, control and destroy women. 

I 

Body-shaming and body size: oh the tightrope we walk

In yesterday's post, I fear I may have given some wrong impressions. I talked about how size matters in the politics of body-shaming. I shared a story of a woman who called out other women on unprofessional attire and modesty, who just happened to be a lot smaller than this woman, though her own style could be considered inappropriate, immodest and unprofessional (tight leggings, party-colored hair, tattoos). I stated that bigger women often feel no qualms attacking smaller women on clothing style but claim fat-shaming if someone criticizes them and that it boils down to jealousy. 

Where I gave wrong impressions, perhaps, is that I made it sound like I felt personally attacked and was clapping back. Rereading, it sounds like I consider myself a smaller girl and the big girls are picking on me. I did come out pretty harsh but it wasn't in defense of my personal style but of others who may not have gotten to the "comfortable in own skin" stage that I am. I have worked at weight loss over the years and am a lot smaller than I was. 

In obesity, I remember feeling incredibly insecure around slender women. But it wasn't jealousy. It was #respect for their self-control and fitness compared to my own out-of-control eating. Also, I don't consider myself small. I have an anorexic like body image that will always see fat no matter how much I lose weight. Having said all that, I never have and never, ever would body-shame a smaller woman.  

Another possible question about the post: Was it criticizing style choices, obesity, modesty policing, thin-shaming or hypocrisy? No, no, yes, yes, yes and body-shaming in general. Also, the fact that while we all get fat-shaming is verboten, thin-shaming is much more acceptable. That's what I called out in the Facebook group. And sorry, not sorry. 

If you are struggling with obesity and feel insecure around people who are slender, let me leave you with these thoughts. It's not someone else's fault. But it's also not yours. It is your choice. You are not powerless to change what you don't like. You can lose weight if you want to and are willing to work at it. I have faith in your strength. Love, mar

Body-shaming and modesty policing: size matters

In the past few blog posts, I've been focusing on body-shaming, modesty policing and the inherent hypocrisy therein. I explored "pick me" and "not like other girls" and how they inevitably stem from jealousy and lead to attacking others of whom they are jealous. Here's what for me was the piece de resistance "pick me" and "not like other girls" body shaming. 

A woman, we'll call "Carbolica" on a workplace Facebook group acid-blasted others for "skimpy" "slu-ty"  unprofessional attire. She went off about shorts, tank tops, skirts, cleavage, etc. The vitriolic rant seethed jealousy.  Ironically, Carbolica is the poster gal for styles that have been considered tacky and unprofessional since time immemorial. 

Carbolica is 50ish, overweight and wears paint-on tight leggings (with skulls, kitties, unicorns, etc), tattoos, piercings and hair dyed a different cartoon color every week. She's always militantly loud on her right to look and dress as she pleases. If others don't like it eff them, yada yada. She fancies herself edgy and tough. I don't judge. I consider her a friend and would never in a million years comment. Until the modesty rants began. How bizarre is it to demand acceptance of your NSFW choices then attack others for what you consider to be their NSFW? What are you, unconventional or a prude? Or do you just make up the rules as you go? And where I would normally just mind my business, I had to address her not minding hers. 

First of all, I explained that professional attire depends on workplace. And her leggings and hoodies are the two most banned attire in schools, workplaces and even airplanes. Add to that tattoos, piercings, non-traditional hair color, too tight clothing and goofy, clownish patterns. None of these are or ever were "appropriate." I do want to state that I didn't call anyone out. If she wants to look like a clown, it's not my circus. Which I realize sounds a little acidic, but I intend to. 

Normally I would take a more diplomatic approach but there comes a time when like must meet like. Sadly, it seems to be the only language body-shamers understand. And that time is when the ganging up starts. I guess I'm naïve because I assumed others, might question her smack-talking. No such luck. Countless others joined the acid throwing. And almost every one was in the +++size unicorn skull leggings club. 

I didn't and never would  fat-shame or shame period, though their tirade was rife with thin-shaming. From their "I'm fat, dress tacky and everyone else has to like it" stance, they belittled cute slender girls wearing shorts. And the words they felt comfortable using! "Sl-tty" "trashy" "wh-reish." Mixed with Victorian prudish "flaunting" "showing off" and "provocative" (provocative?? have you looked in the mirror? Those leggings of yours provoke a lot of comment and not the good kind). And weird that you're Sweet Polly Purebred but you talk like Sailor Sam. 

 And why? Because a woman is attractive, dresses comfortably and is slender??  Because, make no mistake, size matters in body-shaming. It would be called fat-shaming to critique someone pouring a 3x body into XL skirts, sharing prominent camel toe or letting flab bulge out everywhere. It would also be grounds for dismissal in many workplaces. 

Yet Carbolica felt it her duty to point out a smaller girl's "a$$cheeks hanging out" (direct quote). And gag-inducingly comment on genitalia (word amended from original) showing which apparently she divined across a crowded grocery store. What shows is a disturbing preoccupation with others' bodies. And a lurid imagination. Talk about pick me! 

So this body-shaming went on for many graphically vulgar comments. It's like they were trying to out-nasty each other and no blow was low enough. But it's okay cuz they were just helping women see the error of their ways. Shee-yeah right. And I'm the Dalai Lama. And the core issue was see-thru: rabid, venomous jealousy. One woman actually admitted feeling uncomfortable in her larger body seeing an attractive, smaller woman. But then undid her self-awareness by blaming smaller women for "making" her uncomfy.  

I realize I sound kinda "not like other girls" myself for saying that I'm the only one that spoke up. I thought at least the moderators would have kiboshed it. But no one did. So I had to. I didn't address anyone nor mention the obvious pick me elephant in the living room. I called out the venom. Not for myself.  I've spent too many years letting the modesty police live rent free in my head. For too long, I allowed them to micromanage my neckline, hemline, clothing fit etc. Now I wear what I want and if it offends, oy vey. I spoke up for all women who have been unfairly censured for their bodies. For all who have been shamed and bullied to the point that they hate themselves, their bodies and their lives.

Cleavage shaming by modesty police illustrates breast quagmire

 Sometimes, on this blog about how I lost 100 pounds, I diverge into subjects that may seem unrelated to weight loss. That's because there are so very many issues affecting weight loss and gain, obesity, body size, body image, self esteem etc. Many involve societal messages about bodies in general. Yesterday, we discussed how the modesty body shaming mantra is thinly veiled "pick me" (insulting others to in hopes of gaining desperately needed attention). 

Body shaming curvy women also smacks of "not like other girls" mentality--a self-identified polarizing notion that some women have that they are superior because they are not stereotypically feminine. The "pick me" and "not like other girls" are frequently self-appointed modesty police. Because by their definitions, curvy women have somehow made themselves this way, purposely "show off" their assets and should be body-shamed into covering up.  In short large breasts, big hips and hourglass figures make them uncomfortable and insecure. Instead of dealing with their own insecurities, they blame and shame others. 

I feel sorry for the pick me folks. It must be awful to be so attention and approval needy that you push others down to feel taller. And honestly, to some extent, most all of us (raising hand) like attention. The difference is the lengths we will or won't go to get it. There's just so much wrong with hurting others to feel important, especially when it comes to body-shaming women's breasts. 

First, on the cleavage note. How often have I heard people decry women for "sporting cleavage" (as if it's some kind of game??) On Reddit AITA a "not  like other girls" woman called out another co-worker for flaunting herself. (Her words). It says a lot more about her than the poor cleavage shower. This attitude and behavior is so ridiculous it's embarrassing. And I didn't think cleavage needed explanation but it gets attacked so often that apparently it does. 

Cleavage forms when the breasts are pressed together and wearing a bra increases this. And depending on size, cleavage can begin almost at the neck. So to cover it up would require a turtleneck. But then the modesty police find fault because that just accentuates the curves. And it's hot and sweaty and uncomfortable and miserable. 

 Another solution would be to skip the bra. This is actually healthier for breasts. Bras constrict blood flow and arguably can lead to breast cancer. There's the misnomer that going braless causes sagging. But bras make breast tissue lazy and not wearing one improves muscle tone. 

But oh wait, that causes two (three, lol) more problems for the modesty patrol too. Going braless makes for more jiggling and sometimes the dreaded nipples are a little more pronounced. Sigh, what's a girl to do? 

It's so hypocritical, especially in this era of tolerance. You can be any configuration of gender or genderless. You can dress as tacky and goofy as you want. You can add or remove genitalia and breasts. But don't you dare wear anything that shows you have breasts. Or heaven forfend, nipples.

Maybe, we should all just, oh I don't know, live and let live? 

Cleavage-shaming modesty police are "Pick me" and "not like other girls"

 I've become a Reddit AITA fan and recently a poster asked if she was "TA" for calling out her co-worker's cleavage. The OP (original poster) asked if the co-worker "purposely exposed herself." OP indicated that other male co-workers were uncomfortable with the cleavage on display and asked her to talk to the offender (if you believe that, I've got swamp land in Fla. for sale) So Ms. Modesty Police Woman confronted the "unprofessional attire" to protect her guy friends. 

Not surprisingly, the AITA consensus was overwhelmingly YTA. (you're the arschloch). The OP said that she herself veered toward tomboy and was good buddies with all the male workers, ergo her appointment to modesty patrol. Many commenters suggested that she was a "pick me" and an "I'm not like other girls" gal. (I've learned a lot of new urban terms since reading Reddit AITA :D) 

A "pick me" is a person who will do anything for attention or approval usually be putting others down. "I'm not like other girls" is a trope the internet has created to identify women who eschew "girl things" and embrace "non-feminine" things. All these terms are in quotes because they are stereotypical and very user-defined.

They polarize themselves as rebelliously not like other girls because they drive trucks or use tools or read (!?) and "other girls" as cartoonishly feminine because they wear makeup. The irony (and ridiculousness) lies in the conformity of the "not like other girls" "non-conformity." They literally have a dress code and the things they believe makes them different are so transparently alike. Also the things they believe set them apart, like reading or dressing like a "tomboy" are things most all women do. Their definitions are oddly outmoded, archaic or just foolish. Even OP's term tomboy went out like 50 years ago. And dressing tomboy can also be very provocative itself (tight jeans, tight T-shirt, etc). So, color me confused.

 Women identified as "pick me" and "not like other girls" tend to be very self-involved and also lacking in self-awareness. They don't understand how silly they sound. Which brings us back to the modesty police issue (and believe me, we'll get more into cleavage and body-shaming later). The fact that the Pick Me OP had no problem body-shaming someone and actually virtuously self-righteous doing so is bad enough. Don't even get me started on her inability to see that breasts aren't something you can hide let alone should. 

How I lost 100 pounds going Cobra Kai: Healing obesity shame is not about fat acceptance

 I'm going to say some things that might shock and anger my blog followers. Healing obesity is not about fat acceptance. Loving your body doesn't mean ignoring weight gain. I didn't get overweight because of body shaming but overeating and lack of self-control. I lost 100 pounds by going Cobra Kai and "sweeping the leg" out from under bad habits. 

Did I just read that right, you may wonder. Is she actually saying we shouldn't love ourselves as we are, warts and all? Is she validating fat shaming? Yes (sort of) and no. Love of self (as in healthy self-esteem) and the resulting self-care are essential no matter what the body size. But accepting being 50-100 (etc) overweight is not self love. It's deadly self-delusion that only gets bigger, louder and worse. That does NOT validate fat shaming. No one gets to do that. And body shaming obesity is just bullying. And if I fat shame myself, I'm bullying myself. 

Having said that, a qualified physician labelling someone overweight or obese is not bullying. This has come up on episodes of "My 600-lb Life." Dr. Now is accused, by patients seeking bariatric surgery, of body shaming. Shaming is making fun of; addressing potentially lethal health issues like obesity is good doctoring. It's his job. 

So too, recognizing that I'm overweight, doesn't translate to lack of self-love. It's not auto-shaming. Accepting that I need to lose weight and following healthy methods of calorie restricting (like the "My 600-lb Life" 1200 calorie diet) is just common sense. 

There is a prevailing myth that being told you need to lose weight is body shaming. Which it is, if it's just random unsolicited advice such as Valerie Bertinelli was given by a internet commenter recently. This is wrong for many reasons. No one knows for certain what is a healthy body weight for another person. Sometimes not even a doctor. The infamous BMI can be very arbitrary and inaccurate. However, it's a smallish margin of error, say 10-25 pounds, not 40 to 50+ overweight. Even then in Valerie Bertinelli's case, it is still no one's business except a physician. And even then is should be handled with respect. 

The key issue here is self-awareness. And what is means to practice self-care. Accepting that I am very overweight, being okay with it and expecting others to say that my obesity is just fine, beautiful, healthy, etc. isn't self-care. As I said before, it's avoidant self-delusion. While no one can lose weight for you, nor should they make fun of you for needing to, it also isn't appropriate to affirm obesity as a healthy lifestyle. 

I know I seem to be dancing around what I'm trying to say. That's because the issue is complicated. I don't want to appear to be applauding fat shaming by dissing fat acceptance. The pivotal point is who is doing the accepting and how it's done. I should accept myself as I am, but also seek to be as healthy as I can be. I wouldn't turn a blind eye to cancer or Covid 19 if I had it. I'd work to take care of myself. Same with weight loss. No one can tell me to lose weight but if I really love myself, I'll work at it if I need to. 

I can accept and love myself as I am and still work to improve. Artists don't just slap paint on canvas and expect others to call it a masterpiece. They constantly work to perfect technique. And my way of perfecting my game was with weight loss. How I lost 100 pounds was going Cobra Kai, which I didn't even address, paragraphs later. But maybe you can see where I'm going with this. I'll delve deeper in my upcoming blog post. In closing, love yourself cuz I do and more importantly, God does. Be the best version of yourself you can be <3

Body shaming, blame-shame and other Incel and manosphere BS

This blog explores how I lost 100 pounds but also a lot more about obesity, weight loss and gain and body image in general. Today I'm looking at social messages that contribute to body image dysmorphia, eating disorders and obesity. I'm aiming responsibility squarely at the Incel (involuntary celibate) online community and other manosphere BS. 

Incels are a group of folks who can't get relationships but blame everyone else for that. It didn't start that way, and was initially a small, somewhat fringy group that actually tried to help themselves and others. But incels have devolved into extreme right-wing, sexist, misognynystic, male and white supremist terrorist and haters. Who actually call themselves Christian (!) With a growing cult following. And garbage like they spew is the electrical current that powers body image dysmorphia. 

It's ludicrous because the very thing that incels whine about is that they can't get women (sex--which they believe they deserve) because they aren't attractive to them. They blame-shame women for being shallow. Several incel terrorist attacks have taken place at spas, fitness clubs and yoga studios. Supposedly, these women were taunting them but the real reason is obviously lust. They also hypocritically crave "attractive" women but fault them for trying to improve their looks. The entire incel vocab consists of vulgar, sexualized, objectified misogyny. Don't look it up unless you want to feel sick. 

So how is the manosphere related to weight loss or obesity? This dripping poison shames women for everything. If they don't keep fit, lose weight, etc, they're ugly slobs. If they do care about appearance and health, they are vain Jezebels enticing poor men into lusting after them. Damned if ya do, damned if ya don't. 

You might be thinking, but this is just a small group of wackos. How could they influence female thinking, let alone social mores? Because manosphere speak is an ancient tongue. Sexism is as old as, well, forever. It's wormed its way into every area of life. It's been drilled into women's heads: you are a sex toy but a sl*t if you like it. You should BE "attractive" but shouldn't try to be. You should be "modest" but also alluring. I could go on and on. In short, you can't win. 

So what's the solution? Well, shut down hate groups, obviously. Stop buying the "free speech" crap. Call out misogyny. Mock them into silence. But most importantly, sister, don't give the negativity a home.  Stop letting broken psychos define you. Lose weight or not because it's right for you. Be attractive to yourself. You don't owe anyone anything beside basic courtesy.  

PS This isn't a man vs. woman thing. My advice goes for guys, too. My heart goes out to guys who feel like losers, or even identify as an incel. But it's not someone else's fault you feel that way. It's not someone else's responsibility to fix you. Like yourself, or at least begin trying to. At the root, is self-hatred, stinkin thinkin and autoshame. Do you, to the best of your ability. 

Love you all! Stay tuned for more on how I lost 100 pounds (and blame shame, stinkin thinkin and low self esteem). 

Valerie Bertinelli fostered body-shaming by promoting diet? (BS!)

Oh just, shm, really? Valerie Bertinelli responded to body-shaming recently and now critics are saying she fostered body-shaming by being part of the "diet industry." So advocating weight loss is somehow creating a fat-shaming culture? Well I've got news for ya. Diet talk didn't invent body-shaming! You might as well say cancer prevention causes cancer. 

Body-shaming isn't new. Many of us have experienced it all our lives. It's part of the reason why we work to lose weight. And I can't speak for Valerie Bertinelli, but I'm just a little bit pissed that it's still happening, in this supposedly "enlightened" world in which we live. 

And while I'm ranting, let me just say that I'm sick of being told to grow thicker skin, get over it, and stop taking offense to fat-shaming. When I was a kid, body-shaming was as common on the playground as hopscotch. If you dared to report it, you were told to ignore it. That the bullies just want attention and if you give it  to them, you feed it. Like being overweight purposely nailed a target on my back and the bullies would naturally hit it. And being a good girl, I bought that, slunk off and tried to stay out of the bullies' sights. 

But now I'm calling body-shaming for the bullshit it is.  See, bullying (fat-shaming, thin-shaming, body-shaming, teasing) is predatory and designed to victimize. It has nothing to do with body size, if you're overweight, underweight, or green with purple polka dots. It is viciousness driven by a weak mind. I can "rise above" or "ignore" all I want. That's just a red flag to the bully.  

Once, I belonged to a Facebook group devoted to discussing "My 600-lb Life." It touted itself as frank and honest. So I thought we'd be talking about ways to learn from "My 600-lb Life." But turns out, it was just folks with nothing better to do in their pathetic lives than trash-talk and mock obesity. And it wasn't just obesity. They turned on people with other illnesses and conditions. Because that's what sad creeps like that do--kick those who can't kick back. Leopold and Loeb would be so proud. 

People don't need to be taught how to "handle" bullies. Bullies need to be taught, in no uncertain terms, that they can't bully. But also, having said that, bullies aren't born, they're grown. Adults and parents need to be the change they wish to see. It's time for body-shamers to straighten the hell up. It's not cute. It's not just greasy kid stuff. Kids behave much more maturely. It's not animalistic. Animals act more civilized. It's pitiful. 

But since that will never happen, it's time we set OUR sights on the BS. Bullies don't understand sweet talk or "sir, please don't do that." It's time for bully-shaming with both barrels! Time we point to and laugh at bullying till it slinks off in humiliation. This is not retaliation. Nor revenge. It's self-defense. And you know what they say about offense being the best for that! Let's start offending some bullies! 

Body-shaming paradox: thin-shaming is more acceptable than fat-shaming (but shouldn't be)

 

A few days ago, I discussed how Valerie Bertinelli responded to a fat-shaming commenter who told her to "lose weight." Now clearly, body-shaming is wrong. But it is also sometimes misunderstood as being exclusively fat-shaming. But thin-shaming exists too and it is more socially acceptable. And what's worst of all, thin-shaming is most often done by the very people who are fat-shamed. The bullied become the bullies, as it were. 

Let's look at the show "My 600-lb Life" which explores morbid obesity. These people seeking weight loss have been ridiculed for being overweight. And that's disgusting. But there's a myth that only overweight people have scale struggles. Shows like "My 600-lb Life" make it look like weight loss is the only battle and being thin is the ultimate goal. 

However "underweight" people dread the scale too, only for the opposite reason. I got overweight and then obese and then I lost 100 pounds. But I have several family members who cannot gain weight. When my husband and I had Covid 19, we both lost weight. I was happy, but he was horrified to lose weight. He has been "underweight" for much of his life. And guess who gained the weight back right away--me. All I had to do was look at food again and bam! it was back, while weight gain for him has been an uphill climb. 

And back to thin-shaming, I noticed the difference in people's response to our Covid 19 weight loss. And it could be construed as body-shaming. When he told people that he lost 17 pounds, many said "wow! you couldn't afford to lose weight!" Whereas no one said to me, "well that's okay because you could afford to!" That would obviously have been body-shaming.   

So albeit the "thin-shaming" was unintentional. But the message was clear. It said "you are already too thin and should gain." And it shows how people who would never call someone overweight, feel free to comment on what they perceive as "underweight." Some people believe that they are complimenting, but if so, it's back-handed. 

The problem we all had with the Valerie Bertinelli commenter was her pointing out that Bertinelli needed to "lose weight" as if, as Valerie said, "I didn't have a mirror or scale." Like she didn't know her weight and it was necessary to inform her. And therein lies the problem I have with people telling my husband that he "couldn't afford" the weight loss and why I say it's body-shaming. 

Just like Valerie Bertinelli, he has a mirror and a scale. He knows what he weighs. He feels body-conscious and embarrassed about being "underweight" as others feel being overweight. He doesn't need anyone pointing it out and rubbing salt in the wound, thanks just the same. 

People who struggle with obesity sometimes can't imagine how anyone could not want to be slim. They may envy, to the point of hating, people who can "eat anything they want and not gain weight." Well, hello, "underweight" people feel the same way only in reverse. I lost 100 pounds and it was lots of work. But not as hard as weight gain is. For some, it's literally impossible. More later on that. 

And then there's the name-calling. We would never, at least not these day, call someone size-based names. We don't even use the word "fat" anymore. But no one seems to have a problem saying skinny, and worse. I've even heard "malnourished" used. Many assume that slender people have an eating disorder like anorexia! But we'd never point out that obesity is an eating disorder!

So how about we just stop commenting on people's size, period? How about we mind our own damn business and if we've nothing positive to say, shut up. Whether it's anorexia or obesity like on "My 600-lb Life", it's just (as Valerie Bertinelli famously said) "not effing helpful." 

Valerie Bertinelli's response to body-shaming resonates with those trying to lose weight (and everyone else!)

Found on Youtube, Valerie Bertinelli responding to a critic who told her she needs to lose weight. And boy do I empathize with Ms. Bertinelli's emotional response. Like her, I've had weight loss challenges for awhile. I've lost weight and regained some. I've been underweight, obese, overweight and normal weight. I've struggled with body image dysmorphia and anorexia. 

I'm certainly no celebrity but I  have written for Yahoo and well remember the nasty comments on articles, that had nothing to do with the content, pointing out that I was overweight. I remember the fat jokes from elementary and middle school. When I lost a bunch of weight and got too skinny, they were still body-shaming about how I was too thin. And then I bounced up again, lather, rinse repeat. 

I especially feel Valerie's frustration about how at 61, she's still dealing with it. And I just have to shake my head. She's so beautiful. You wonder how she could have body image issues and even more, how anyone could find anything negative to say.  But I know firsthand how body image dysmorphia can haunt you, especially when someone makes uncalled for comments. 

But therein lies the rub. The chicken came before the egg. I doubt we'd worry so much about weight if there weren't people to tell us to. The point of nasty comments is to undermine self-worth. Because what are body image issues but low self-esteem unclothed? That commenter knew exactly what she was doing. You don't accidentally tell someone to lose weight. She wasn't misunderstood. You have to go out of your way to be that rude. 

As for feeling bad, neither age nor experience nor maturity have anything to do with it. We can be as attractive as, well, Valerie. We can lose all the weight we want and get to a happy place, or if not, a better one. But all it takes is one low-blow slam and we're right back in the middle school locker room. 

And to those who say just ignore, rise above, shake it off, etc, also not helpful.  We're already angry with ourselves for letting it bother us. And easier said than done. We know we should ignore it and are trying to. And also, not the point. We're not incapable of rising above. We're just sick of  having to. It's not about shutting out negativity but shutting it up! 

How I lost 100 pounds with one word: obesity vs. fat-shaming spurs weight loss

When I was young, it was very common for kids to body shame and mock: "four-eyes", "tinsel teeth" "scarecrow" "shrimp." For us chubby kids, there was an entire patios: "whale-o" "tubby" "lardass" "fatty" "pig" "blimp." I guess the memo about name-calling being wrong hadn't reached my elementary school. It was so common that I got used to and expected it. It never didn't hurt though. 

For most of us "overweight" kids, it was just "baby fat" and puberty brought weight loss. But we didn't know that at the time. Fast-forward to high school and some of us have now grown into ourselves and look pretty good. But not all of us realized it. Alas, that old playground taunting had left us with permanent body image issues. And the body-shaming didn't end in high school, either. Almost all of us girls and many guys dieted, ate too little and worried about our weight. Some fell to anorexia and bulimia. Old hurts may heal but that scar tissue is a bitch. 

Now fast forward to later adulthood and some of us have begun to put on weight again. Age, hormones, health problems, depression, having babies will do that to you. Some of us didn't realize it because we always saw ourselves as fat even when we weren't. And this time the extra weight isn't going anywhere. There's no puberty to magic it away. In fact, obesity is looming. And that one word is what pushed me into weight loss. 

Of all the words, "obesity" hurt the most. On some level I knew, even as kid, that the name-calling was just ignorant babble. But this wasn't a classmate teasing. It was a nurse telling me that my weight put me in the "obese" category. She wasn't doing it to hurt or be mean. She was giving me objective, medical truth. And that made all the difference. 

I hated knowing that I was obese. I hate the word obesity, more than any of the name-calling. Because it's a clinical fact not subjective opinion. No amount of ignoring will make this label go away. The names hurt, but I never let anyone see me cry. I wouldn't give 'em the satisfaction. So what the shamers didn't accomplish, the compassionate professional did. I cried. Then I dried my tears and got to work on the diet. And that's how I lost 100 pounds. (Pictures are me top 2001, middle 2011 and bottom 2015)

Body Shaming Dangers, Why You Should Be Body Positive and How to Do It

<--This is me in 2013, 65# overweight. --> is me in 2020. In 7 years, I've spent a lot of time thinking and writing about body size. Body-shaming, fat-shaming, body image...these terms have gotten a lot of media attention in recent years. This is down to several issues in our culture. First, more people are getting fat and fatter. So more attention is put on weight. Second, it is becoming more socially acceptable to call out, shame and harass fat people. Third, this bullying is finally getting recognized as such. People who used to tolerate and expect shaming and even self-shame (raises hand) are now realizing how damaging it is. They (we) are fighting back.

We are trying to teach ourselves to be kinder to our bodies. And part of that is learning to love it the way it is. Because before you try to change something, you have to accept it. Al-Anon has shown us that (along with many other self-care tools). Do some people go overboard with the body positivity, asking us to accept that being 200 pounds is just fine, even beautiful? Sure. But it's a pendulum process...social norms that have been extreme in one direction must swing far in the other direction before coming to land somewhere in a happy medium.

The ultimate goal, then, must be to first love ourselves and our bodies as they are...precious gifts from our Heavenly Father. Then and only then can we begin the process of getting them to healthier places, e.g. with weight loss, fitness initiatives, etc. And let me just pause to mention here that it's not just folks who are overweight who struggle with body issues. Being underweight can be just as difficult, perhaps moreso. For some people, it's easier to lose weight than put it on, believe it or not. But still healthy body image is the essential first step.

If you read my post from a few days ago, you'll remember that I promised some homework to practice body positivity skills. A lot of negativity exists in our heads. We imagine that people are thinking or saying things about us. Whether they are or aren't doesn't really matter. We become paranoid and begin to see ourselves as we believe they see us. So we start by changing our minds, literally. Here's how.

1) Start analyzing negative thoughts and feelings. Figure out where they are coming from. Was someone rude to you? Did they give you a funny look? Are you feeling vulnerable today? Are you unhappy with the way you look?
2) HALT: That's an acronym for hungry, angry, lonely, tired: are you any of those? Then you will not be at your best. Everything will look bleaker. Don't put too much emphasis on negative feelings and thoughts but do work to correct hunger, anger, loneliness and exhaustion.
3) Fix your tape recorder. Erase negative messages playing in your head: "I'm fat." "I'm ugly." "I'm a loser." "People don't like me." "I don't like me." (you know the kind). Make new, healthier messages. "I'm pretty (handsome)" "I'm a winner." etc. Yes, you'll feel silly at first. You'll live...do it anyway! No, you may not really mean it...you will in time. Fake it till you make it. Practice doesn't make perfect but it does make things a lot better.

Herein ends part one of the lesson. Love you all bunches!!