Hello my friends. Today in my childhood trauma recovery journey I'm going to share some tips to heal from narcissistic parent abuse, that may surprise you. I've experienced narcissistic abuse, neglect, toxic shaming, invalidation, exploitation, scapegoating, abandonment, endangerment and gaslighting about it all, by four parent authority figures with various forms of sociopathy and malignant narcissism.
Healing CPTSD with poetry
I've got another blog called The Writer's Garden (you can click that link to be taken to it). Writing poetry helps me process the grief, anger, confusion and pain of childhood trauma in a creative format. Offering it online, to be read by others gives my inner child a voice she never had living with narcissistic and enmeshed parents. Narcissistic abuse tells a child that her needs and wants don't matter, only those of the entitled, arrogant, self-centered parents. They use coercive control, intimidation, humiliation and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to shame her into silence. Writing my story in narrative form on this blog helps me understand it in technical terms. Writing it in poetry gives it a three-dimensional visualization. I can't explain exactly what I mean but suffice it to say both forms of writing are therapeutic.
Art therapy for Adult Children of Narcissists
ACON (Adult Children of Narcissists) have struggled not only to be heard but also seen as anything but a prop in our narcissistic parent's main character fantasy play. Our one purpose was to be narcissistic supply without any autonomy or individuation. And too often, enablers and flying monkeys seemed to approve and support our parent perpetrators by victim shaming us. They all created false images of reality with DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) in which we were problem. Creating graphic art repaints their gaslit version correctly. Art can be a vehicle to show not only us but the abuse we suffered clearly.
You can't gaslight art. It shows and tells truths that all the trauma bonding and betrayal blindness can't hide.
Singing in the pain
You probably see where I'm going with these childhood trauma healing tips, and that is how art, whether written, graphic or performing, can be a recovery tool. Singing, playing a musical instrument, dancing and even acting in theatre are helpful in many ways. Performing arts provide a channel for the pent-up energy from trauma responding especially freezing and fawning. It gives our tendency toward hypervigilance a healthier focus. And it puts positive attention on us, instead of always on our attention-seeking parents.
Be Aware and Beware
Having said that about attention being given to us, know that narcissistic parents do not like being outshone. They're great performers but a poor audience. They soloists, not choir members. Not that you are trying to compete with or steal their limelight. They're jealous, competitive and take others' success as a narcissistic insult (or ego injury). My narcissistic father loved to playing his violin and expected to be asked to play everywhere he went and got pouty if he wasn't. Yet when I was singing privately, in the bathroom he told me to quit showing off. He couldn't be bothered to come to performances of a music group I started. Then when I invited him to join, he took over and kicked me out saying I had no talent, yet still expected me to attend and applaud his performances with that group. He has never once said a kind thing about any success I've had and has found a way to attack, belittle or insult me. I don't recall him ever complimenting me. He said he was afraid I'd get a big head. Then he said I was too sensitive and couldn't take constructive criticism (which was always destructive shaming). Meanwhile this arrogant, insensitive man was incredibly oversensitive to hint of reproof. But knowledge is power. Now that you know your parent is jealous of you, don't feed him any data to use against you. Grey rock. Keep your own secrets. Don't go looking to him for advice or affirmation. He will always undermine you. And for heaven's sake, keep singing.
Protect yourself
What narcissists can't steal they sabotage, including your innocence, personhood, childhood and joy if you let them. Children of sociopathic narcissists learn very young, to be neither seen nor heard. There's no room for anyone else in their narcissistic fantasy spotlight. The child is merely a tool to get them what they want at no personal cost. If you do get paid positive attention, they will ruin it with mocking, humiliation, exhibitionism, dirty tricks and cheap theatrics. They will get the attention on them no matter what they have to do. My narcissistic mother wore nightgowns to family celebrations and lied that she didn't get enough to eat, just to keep eyes on her. She yells AMEN and PRAISE THE LORD loudly when visiting other people's churches where they don't do that. She even upstaged her deceased brother at his own funeral. You can't have nice things, like sanity or a new car, around envious narcissists because they will destroy them if you let them. Don't let them. Don't invite them to things they'll just ruin. Go no contact if you have to. Don't support their habit. If they have run-ins (which narcissist frequently do) don't hurry to take their side. Set boundaries around what you will do and not do if they act up. They can be idiots all they want but you don't have to be their fall guy. Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). Just do you.
Turn off the gas.
Four gaslighting tactics a narcissistic parent uses against the child are parent enmeshment (blurring boundaries between you and them, teaching you that they own you and you owe them), parentification (making children responsible for them) infantilization (overcontrolling and treating the child like she is inept. My parents did both, parentifying and while also rigidly controlling me) need shaming and triangulation (targeting and pitting people against the child). All of these form an inaccurate sense of self. And the first step to see the inaccuracies and correct them. Children are individuals not parent extensions. They don't have a debt of obligation to parents. Parents are obligated to care for their children. The child is always the child. But not childish. Needs are not wrong and self-care is not selfish. If you feel targeted or set up to fail, you probably are. Limit their access to you. They don't have buy-in on your life.
Leave the Egg on and Pie in the Face
But making themselves the center of attention sometimes backfires. Once, I was having a nice time with my children at my mother's work party we were invited to. And out of the blue, in front of everyone, she threw a pie in my face and laughed hysterically. My narcissistic stepfather joined in because he loves embarrassing people. No one else laughed. And it was her turn to have egg on her face. Then when she was chastised by her boss, she and her husband threw a narcissistic rage fest and blamed me. They ambushed me, saying I made them look bad (yes, I am serious.) And this points out a key flaw in the sociopath's plan: by trying to make people look foolish, they make fools of themselves. And that starts a shame spiral which the narcissist can't tolerate. They have to have a target which is usually the scapegoat child. Which even as adult I let them do. I took the brunt and placated them instead of letting them experience the consequences of their bad choices. So one way to practice recovery from this narcissistic abuse, is to let the pie stay on your face and the egg on theirs Don't rush to wipe it away by making excuses for them. Let people see what they have done. Some people will only believe your abuse story if they evidence of it with their own eyes. Let your parents sit with their shame, alone. Stop warming them by setting yourself on fire. Hold space for yourself.
So this is a long, rambling list of trauma recovery tips but they are interconnected. Not like a set of steps, more of a safety network. I wish you peace and healing in this fraught journey.
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