I was modesty policed and body-shamed (at a funeral, no less!)

In this blog about how I lost 100 pounds, I've been exploring modesty policing (esp. by the "Cleavage Awareness League" as I call them) and female body shaming in general. Honestly, I didn't really believe that anyone had the gall anymore, to call out another person on "modesty." (Unless you're a Duggar, of course). When I was younger, sure. It was common. But I thought we'd grown up, learned to mind our own business, avert our eyes if necessary and shut up. However, I discovered, firsthand, at a funeral no less, that public body shaming does still happen. And it really can undermine your confidence and self-esteem if you let it. But you shouldn't. 

Weirdly, I feel the need to explain what I was wearing and what she called me on. As if I need to justify my dress choice and show how she was out of line. It was a funeral and I was wearing a dark floral dress that was form fit but not too tight or overtly "sexy". Think professional, well-dressed (see picture). I wore heels and hose (gram would love me!) because I wanted to dress nicely for my friend's dad's funeral. I was raised to look your best to show respect. The cut of the dress showed a hint of cleavage, not the Great Divide.

Anyway, I was sitting in the church pew, turned sideways to talk with my friend before the service. It must have pulled a bit to one side, showing just a little of the top of my breast or lower neck, on that side. No nipple or even cleavage really. No fear of that in the foundation garment. Everyone was in her place, lol. Just an inch or so of lower neckline. Friend says, boldly, no attempt to lower her voice. "You might want to cover up, you know to be polite." 

I found it ironic that she used the term "polite." I was raised to know that minding your business, when it doesn't harm you, was polite. And opening your mouth to point out "flaws" in others' is impolite. And how is my body "impolite?"

I looked down, adjusted my dress a fraction and that was that. But afterwards, I spent the rest of the day, worried, paranoid and fussing with my dress. I couldn't concentrate on the mass or prayers. This is mental undermining that body shaming causes. I suddenly didn't feel confident, but somehow disrespectful. I feel a little disgusted with myself, both for being sensitive to the criticism and also for, possibly, dressing "inappropriately" (monkey on my back). 

I mean, why should I feel insecure? She was only "trying to help." There's no need to be so sensitive, right? No need to take friendly advice so personally, right? WRONG. It's not "friendly" advice. It's passive-aggressive. The friendly thing to do, and which I do, all the time, is, if I don't like something I see, is to MYOB. How is it helpful to make me feel like a tramp, flaunting myself? Answer: it isn't. It's also passive-aggressive. And I would feel sensitive because it was meant to "sensitize" me to my fashion faux pas. And I don't need to grow thicker skin. The body-shamer does because being "offended" by my dress is her choice. Can say something isn't always should. 

I may sound like I'm just attacking this person because she hurt my feelings. She didn't. I considered the source. But it did make me second-guess and stress. And I do worry how behavior like hers can cause a lot of unnecessary pain and shame for people who are already body ashamed. I guess it's just a good reminder to practice owning my own and ignoring. 

I 

5 low calorie foods for weight loss that taste better than expected

 Hello friends! About 8 years ago, I woke up and realized that I was morbidly obese and this blog chronicles how I lost 100 pounds without drugs or gastric bypass surgery. Calorie restricting was my weight loss method. Needless to say, this required completely upgrading my eating habits. Using the 1200 calorie diet, I created a bunch of diet recipes to lose weight. And part of eating healthier was to replace calorie dense, low nutrition foods with low calorie options. Here are 5 diet foods which taste a lot better than expected. 

If you're like me (and a lot of others on the obesity busting quest) you fear calorie restricting foods also sacrifice taste. The reality TV show "My 600-lb Life" demonstrates that the biggest obstacle to weight loss in gastric bypass patients is reluctance to give up sweets, junk food, fried and fatty foods. Most "My 600-lb Life" participants are even convinced that they will not get full if they don't eat calorie dense foods. But I've got a secret and it's how I lost 100 pounds: you can and will get full and stay satisfied with these calorie restricting foods. And they taste not much different than their high calorie counterparts. 

1) Lowfat 1% or skim milk. My preference is 1% milk. I know, keto diet says go whole milk (or actually none at all because milk contains sugar). And I've tried flax milk and other protein milk alternatives. However the taste is meh and mostly they are VERY expensive. So 1% milk is my go-to for 1200 calorie diet weight loss. 

2) High protein or keto bread (buns, bagels, etc). You get so much taste, feel-full satisfaction for your calorie buck with keto bread options. They are more pricy but the good news is that this helps with weight loss. You eat less because high protein bread costs more! 

3) Light mayonnaise. If you love mayo and I do, substitute light for full strength and save 3/4 of the calories. Eating less in the condiment category is the best plan for weight loss, however. 

4) Cauliflower in place of potatoes, grains, flour or bread. Mashed cauliflower makes a great gluten free sub for potatoes. "My 600-lb Life" gastric bypass diet recommends gluten free options like this for breads, pasta etc. 

5) High protein Greek yogurt. This packs a punch in the stay-full department. Served with fresh fruits (berries preferred) was frequent flyer food on the "how I lost 100 pounds" path. 

If you're looking to lose weight, may I recommend this diet friendly foods? Best wishes! -mar

Weight loss for the health of it: is obesity the cause of ALL health problems?

 Greetings friends! Today on this blog about how I lost 100 pounds, I'm exploring how obesity affects overall health, wondering if obesity could be the cause of all health problems and then if weight loss could be the solution to them all.  Now that might sound exaggerated. However, while there's probably no unilateral fix for all conditions, I think it's safe to say that obesity plays a part in a host of other problems and that it doesn't improve any of them. 

What got me thinking about this is the number of times of heard, read and probably said that doctors don't take other health concerns seriously when obesity is an issue. They seem to see weight loss as the panacea for everything: got ingrown toenails? Lose weight. Migraines? Lose weight. Depressed or anxious? Lose weight. Etc. I've heard (and probably said) "My doctor doesn't understand. He's just fat-shaming me. I know I'm fat, but that's not what's causing (insert problem)." And then we get angry and resentful and go doctor shopping, again. 

But what if it is? What if weight loss could actually fix or at least improve some or all other areas of health. Reality TV shows like "My 600-lb Life" have proved that gastric bypass patients feel better overall after weight loss. It's statistically obvious that diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension, liver problems, some forms of cancer, thyroid, joint pain, sleep apnea, chronic pain, back, leg, knee pain, migraine and many more issues have a direct link to being overweight. 

Do people who are not overweight suffer from these same issues? Certainly. However this issue isn't whether there are other causes besides obesity, for various health problems. The question is whether, if I am overweight, I can heal these other struggles with weight loss. The problem, as I see it, is avoidance of responsibility, weaponized incompetence and denial. It's someone or something else's fault. We also don't like being told that we are causing our own problems. We want a magic pill that requires no effort. We claim to be helpless and want others to fix us. When they fail to because they can't (only we can fix ourselves) we get mad, blame them and lay there helplessly, angry, resentful and blaming (weaponized incompetence).

 Even gastric bypass can be that effortless fix (it's not but so many think it is). You've only to watch an episode of "My 600-lb Life" to see how denial sabotages life and weaponized incompetence often ultimately kills people. 

I'm currently watching a real-life "My 600-lb Life" situation. A friend is killing herself by refusing to take responsibility and weaponizing incompetence to the hilt. She is in a nursing home being treated for obesity yet has all kinds of junk food brought in, then complains when staff takes food away. She says she can't wait to be home so she can eat what she likes. She wants them to fix her yet faults them for not letting her break herself further. And the irony is that while she proclaims to be helpless, we are the ones whose hands are truly tied. We can't make her lose weight or stop eating. We can only refuse to feed her and not enable. 

Duggar family and poisonous slippery slope of modesty shaming

"Bodyism" is a term I believe I've coined (maybe someone else has) to refer to bias against certain body types and also subtle or overt body shaming. A "bodyist" by my definition is someone who is prejudiced against the bodies, particularly of women. Bodyists believe that women should not wear "revealing" clothing, should "cover up" their curves and not "flaunt" themselves. In short, bodyists are modesty police. And their slippery slope logic is poison. I'm using the Chiefs of the Modesty police, reality TV celebs Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, as examples. Unfortunately, they are only a drop in the acid bath. 

First, some thoughts on the cadre that modesty police such as the Duggar family uses. It's shame-based but also polarizing, hypocritical, misleading, user-defined, inaccurate and purposely vague. "Flaunting" and "Revealing" are used as adjectives but are in fact verb forms. They indicate intentionally drawing attention to body parts which are supposed to be covered. The wearer of "revealing" clothing is actively seeking attention by dressing to "accentuate" "flaunt" or "show off" their bodies. 

Clothing that Michelle Duggar deems "Provocative" (see also alluring, enticing, seductive) lures men. To what is left vague, but presumably sin (wanting to have s3x) But even what is and isn't sin, is inaccurate in their thinking. Wanting to do something is not wrong. Neither is liking it. Mentally doing it with someone who has not expressed desire to, is (lust) Forcing others to, is (rape).  

However the bodyists have another slippery slope to justify those. Men don't willingly lust or rape, they are tempted to (seduced) by another. Men are passive and helpless and it's someone else's fault. (Incels feed on this passive-aggressive mentality, btw). Women "provoke" innocent men to sexual assault by wearing clothing that shows they have a body. What modesty police think and even sometimes say, is that women bring sexual assault on themselves. And that's a big reason why so many women also blame themselves when attacked. They  have been subconsciously taught that they had it coming with their dress or behavior. 

What is immodest attire is user-defined and hypocritical. Look at Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. They eschew pants for women yet their daughters' skirts are ridiculously clingly. By their definition immodest. They are not averse to showing cleavage. They encourage their girls to wear long hyper-styled hair and make-up. Which is sensual by many standards. Worst of all, when Jim Bob's and Michelle's son Josh Duggar molested several children, they downplayed it as curiosity while attacking others who have normal healthy sexual relations as immoral. 

The Duggar family literally flaunted themselves and pimped their family in their reality TV shows "19  Kids and Counting" and "Counting On." Both of these were canceled due to the Duggar family's biggest hypocrisy, namely son Josh Duggar. Michelle and Jim Bob actually blamed Josh Duggar's sin on the liberal media and Joe Biden (???). Somehow, the "liberal media" both lured him to sin and then wrongly accused him of sinning when he was just "experimenting" (as you do) with his sisters. 

Bodyism and modesty policing are sick, twisted poisons. There is no winning. 

Body-shaming and body size: oh the tightrope we walk

In yesterday's post, I fear I may have given some wrong impressions. I talked about how size matters in the politics of body-shaming. I shared a story of a woman who called out other women on unprofessional attire and modesty, who just happened to be a lot smaller than this woman, though her own style could be considered inappropriate, immodest and unprofessional (tight leggings, party-colored hair, tattoos). I stated that bigger women often feel no qualms attacking smaller women on clothing style but claim fat-shaming if someone criticizes them and that it boils down to jealousy. 

Where I gave wrong impressions, perhaps, is that I made it sound like I felt personally attacked and was clapping back. Rereading, it sounds like I consider myself a smaller girl and the big girls are picking on me. I did come out pretty harsh but it wasn't in defense of my personal style but of others who may not have gotten to the "comfortable in own skin" stage that I am. I have worked at weight loss over the years and am a lot smaller than I was. 

In obesity, I remember feeling incredibly insecure around slender women. But it wasn't jealousy. It was #respect for their self-control and fitness compared to my own out-of-control eating. Also, I don't consider myself small. I have an anorexic like body image that will always see fat no matter how much I lose weight. Having said all that, I never have and never, ever would body-shame a smaller woman.  

Another possible question about the post: Was it criticizing style choices, obesity, modesty policing, thin-shaming or hypocrisy? No, no, yes, yes, yes and body-shaming in general. Also, the fact that while we all get fat-shaming is verboten, thin-shaming is much more acceptable. That's what I called out in the Facebook group. And sorry, not sorry. 

If you are struggling with obesity and feel insecure around people who are slender, let me leave you with these thoughts. It's not someone else's fault. But it's also not yours. It is your choice. You are not powerless to change what you don't like. You can lose weight if you want to and are willing to work at it. I have faith in your strength. Love, mar

Body-shaming and modesty policing: size matters

In the past few blog posts, I've been focusing on body-shaming, modesty policing and the inherent hypocrisy therein. I explored "pick me" and "not like other girls" and how they inevitably stem from jealousy and lead to attacking others of whom they are jealous. Here's what for me was the piece de resistance "pick me" and "not like other girls" body shaming. 

A woman, we'll call "Carbolica" on a workplace Facebook group acid-blasted others for "skimpy" "slu-ty"  unprofessional attire. She went off about shorts, tank tops, skirts, cleavage, etc. The vitriolic rant seethed jealousy.  Ironically, Carbolica is the poster gal for styles that have been considered tacky and unprofessional since time immemorial. 

Carbolica is 50ish, overweight and wears paint-on tight leggings (with skulls, kitties, unicorns, etc), tattoos, piercings and hair dyed a different cartoon color every week. She's always militantly loud on her right to look and dress as she pleases. If others don't like it eff them, yada yada. She fancies herself edgy and tough. I don't judge. I consider her a friend and would never in a million years comment. Until the modesty rants began. How bizarre is it to demand acceptance of your NSFW choices then attack others for what you consider to be their NSFW? What are you, unconventional or a prude? Or do you just make up the rules as you go? And where I would normally just mind my business, I had to address her not minding hers. 

First of all, I explained that professional attire depends on workplace. And her leggings and hoodies are the two most banned attire in schools, workplaces and even airplanes. Add to that tattoos, piercings, non-traditional hair color, too tight clothing and goofy, clownish patterns. None of these are or ever were "appropriate." I do want to state that I didn't call anyone out. If she wants to look like a clown, it's not my circus. Which I realize sounds a little acidic, but I intend to. 

Normally I would take a more diplomatic approach but there comes a time when like must meet like. Sadly, it seems to be the only language body-shamers understand. And that time is when the ganging up starts. I guess I'm naïve because I assumed others, might question her smack-talking. No such luck. Countless others joined the acid throwing. And almost every one was in the +++size unicorn skull leggings club. 

I didn't and never would  fat-shame or shame period, though their tirade was rife with thin-shaming. From their "I'm fat, dress tacky and everyone else has to like it" stance, they belittled cute slender girls wearing shorts. And the words they felt comfortable using! "Sl-tty" "trashy" "wh-reish." Mixed with Victorian prudish "flaunting" "showing off" and "provocative" (provocative?? have you looked in the mirror? Those leggings of yours provoke a lot of comment and not the good kind). And weird that you're Sweet Polly Purebred but you talk like Sailor Sam. 

 And why? Because a woman is attractive, dresses comfortably and is slender??  Because, make no mistake, size matters in body-shaming. It would be called fat-shaming to critique someone pouring a 3x body into XL skirts, sharing prominent camel toe or letting flab bulge out everywhere. It would also be grounds for dismissal in many workplaces. 

Yet Carbolica felt it her duty to point out a smaller girl's "a$$cheeks hanging out" (direct quote). And gag-inducingly comment on genitalia (word amended from original) showing which apparently she divined across a crowded grocery store. What shows is a disturbing preoccupation with others' bodies. And a lurid imagination. Talk about pick me! 

So this body-shaming went on for many graphically vulgar comments. It's like they were trying to out-nasty each other and no blow was low enough. But it's okay cuz they were just helping women see the error of their ways. Shee-yeah right. And I'm the Dalai Lama. And the core issue was see-thru: rabid, venomous jealousy. One woman actually admitted feeling uncomfortable in her larger body seeing an attractive, smaller woman. But then undid her self-awareness by blaming smaller women for "making" her uncomfy.  

I realize I sound kinda "not like other girls" myself for saying that I'm the only one that spoke up. I thought at least the moderators would have kiboshed it. But no one did. So I had to. I didn't address anyone nor mention the obvious pick me elephant in the living room. I called out the venom. Not for myself.  I've spent too many years letting the modesty police live rent free in my head. For too long, I allowed them to micromanage my neckline, hemline, clothing fit etc. Now I wear what I want and if it offends, oy vey. I spoke up for all women who have been unfairly censured for their bodies. For all who have been shamed and bullied to the point that they hate themselves, their bodies and their lives.

Cleavage shaming by modesty police illustrates breast quagmire

 Sometimes, on this blog about how I lost 100 pounds, I diverge into subjects that may seem unrelated to weight loss. That's because there are so very many issues affecting weight loss and gain, obesity, body size, body image, self esteem etc. Many involve societal messages about bodies in general. Yesterday, we discussed how the modesty body shaming mantra is thinly veiled "pick me" (insulting others to in hopes of gaining desperately needed attention). 

Body shaming curvy women also smacks of "not like other girls" mentality--a self-identified polarizing notion that some women have that they are superior because they are not stereotypically feminine. The "pick me" and "not like other girls" are frequently self-appointed modesty police. Because by their definitions, curvy women have somehow made themselves this way, purposely "show off" their assets and should be body-shamed into covering up.  In short large breasts, big hips and hourglass figures make them uncomfortable and insecure. Instead of dealing with their own insecurities, they blame and shame others. 

I feel sorry for the pick me folks. It must be awful to be so attention and approval needy that you push others down to feel taller. And honestly, to some extent, most all of us (raising hand) like attention. The difference is the lengths we will or won't go to get it. There's just so much wrong with hurting others to feel important, especially when it comes to body-shaming women's breasts. 

First, on the cleavage note. How often have I heard people decry women for "sporting cleavage" (as if it's some kind of game??) On Reddit AITA a "not  like other girls" woman called out another co-worker for flaunting herself. (Her words). It says a lot more about her than the poor cleavage shower. This attitude and behavior is so ridiculous it's embarrassing. And I didn't think cleavage needed explanation but it gets attacked so often that apparently it does. 

Cleavage forms when the breasts are pressed together and wearing a bra increases this. And depending on size, cleavage can begin almost at the neck. So to cover it up would require a turtleneck. But then the modesty police find fault because that just accentuates the curves. And it's hot and sweaty and uncomfortable and miserable. 

 Another solution would be to skip the bra. This is actually healthier for breasts. Bras constrict blood flow and arguably can lead to breast cancer. There's the misnomer that going braless causes sagging. But bras make breast tissue lazy and not wearing one improves muscle tone. 

But oh wait, that causes two (three, lol) more problems for the modesty patrol too. Going braless makes for more jiggling and sometimes the dreaded nipples are a little more pronounced. Sigh, what's a girl to do? 

It's so hypocritical, especially in this era of tolerance. You can be any configuration of gender or genderless. You can dress as tacky and goofy as you want. You can add or remove genitalia and breasts. But don't you dare wear anything that shows you have breasts. Or heaven forfend, nipples.

Maybe, we should all just, oh I don't know, live and let live?