Strange behaviors and physical deformities from dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hi friends. Piggybacking on my last post, I'm sharing strange physical behaviors and deformities I exhibit from dark tetrad parent abuse. I lived with four dark tetrad parents who were arrogant, narcissistic, exploitative, manipulative, bullying and cruel. And here are trauma coping responses I have developed as a result. 

Facial grimaces. I constantly clamp my jaw and grit my teeth because I'm nervous and anxious. I've worn my teeth down from doing this. I do it because I'm always on alert for random punishment and humiliation. I think I do this to steel myself to ward off attacks. And because I've been conditioned to ignore red flags and power through parent-caused chaos. I've been groomed to accept and function within totally unacceptable behavior. 

I don't walk I tiptoe. I stand on the sides of my feet and never dare to put them flat on the floor. I point my toes in. So I don't take up too much space or get in someone's way. I'm always prepared for flight. I might have to jump to do something so I'm kind of like an uncoordinated mongoose, always ready to rush in to serve. 

I'm uncoordinated, clumsy and slump and walk bent. I crumple myself into the smallest shape possible. I sit on the edge of chairs. I keep small. I twist myself into a pretzel to do whatever it is anyone expects of me. I have lugged too  heavy of loads for too long and damaged my spine as a result. I have slept too much in cramped, cold, crowded uncomfortable places. 

I walk and talk in my sleep. I snore and cry out. This is from being made to co-sleep with babies and children. So their parents weren't disturbed. I had to be on alert at night like a parent since around age 10. My room and bed have been given away and I've been shuffled into closets and unheated porches.. I've been evicted and had to sleep rough and make do. I trauma dream all night long. 

I hurt all the time from early onset arthritis in hips, back, shoulders and neck. I had shoulder surgery and all kinds of unexpected damage showed up that I've just learned to live with. 

I'm now retraining myself now to take up space and inhabit my place fully. I'm trying to learn that I deserve comfort. I'm working to rewrite dreams in which I talk back and fight back. To refuse to do all the nonsensical things I had to as a kid.