Breaking scapegoat child roles in dysfunctional families

 Hello my friends. Today on my path to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm going to explore the childhood "roles" that narcissistic parents assign in dysfunctional families. Let me just say here that my definitions will differ somewhat from more traditional ones. I'm basing this on personal experience but also the countless stories I've heard or read from others in the trenches. I believe my definitions reflect better than clinical ones because they are so universally shared by survivors. I've highlighted scapegoat and glass child because those are what I identify with. And I've added a new child role, so be watching. 

Dehumanization and toxic family roles

Children aren't born into these toxic roles. We're assigned them by self-serving parents. It's very invalidating and dehumanizing. It robs a child's voice and individuation. It reduces her to a robotic "slave of the family state" doing just what's expected of her. And that's the reason for artificially pigeonholing kids. It keeps them in line and dutiful to the narcissistic parents. It's maintains the false narrative, the "status quo." These roles exist to perpetuate narcissistic myths. And they are terribly toxic. But before we can understand unhealthy we have to define healthy families. Dysfunctional family systems cast kids in roles. Healthy families don't.

Nurturing parents let their children be themselves. They celebrate organic, spontaneous individuality. 

Held to contracts we didn't sign

We're assigned nonconsensual, archetypal parts, as in a play. It's like a sweat shop in which we were kidnapped, trafficked and forcibly employed. We don't know the setting, our lines or what's expected. We're just sent out on stage and expected to perform. This is even worse for kids in "blended" families who must adapt to even more confusing job descriptions in yet another strange environment. My role as invisible/ scapegoat child came with endlessly changing "duties" which served my narcissistic parents, their new narcissistic spouses and their children. In fact it served the entire extended family too. Except me.  

What serves narcissist parents harms children

The "working conditions" in a dysfunctional family "gulags" are dangerous, unsafe, insecure, unstable and unmonitored. Children in these dysfunctional family systems have no rights, autonomy or choice. And no child was ever naturally born in such servitude. It's all down to the narcissistic parents' gaslighting, deceptions, flipped scripts and rewritten narratives. We as kids just don't know that it's a facade. We're just trying to trauma respond to the best of our abilities to survive. And our narcissistic parents weaponize our vulnerabilities, especially with the scapegoat, lost and glass children. In fact, this is such a large subject that I'm going focus on one role per article. But first a quick run down the child roles none of which are healthier or ideal for a child because they are fake personas. 

The Roles: Archetypes and Traps

• Hero or Golden child: Can do no wrong, gets preferential treatment, free passes, higher portions of resources. He appears to be the hero and may be in some cases but only because he's not held accountable for misdeeds. Blame and consequences are put on scapegoat. He may be overly responsible or very irresponsible because he can. He knows the scapegoat will clean up after him. 
• Enabler: This may also be the golden child but just as often is the scapegoat, oddly. She is the one who keeps the narcissistic parents supplied, makes excuses for them and is highly responsible. She's the one who hides the gin bottles and keeps the other kids quiet. 
• Lost or invisible child. This one's forgotten, lost in the shuffle and ignored. 
• Mascot: The one who "lightens the mood" by being the class clown. It's a tough job always having to paste on a smile when you're hurting on the inside. 
• Victim: This one is self-pitying, aggressive, hostile, manipulative, blames everyone else for his problems and has very rigid poorly thought out morals which he imposes on others but not himself. This child is often a vulnerable narcissist. 
• Scapegoat child. This is the role that traumatized kids most often identify with . We bear the blame for everyone else's actions. Traditional wisdom says this child often defiant and angry. (who wouldn't be with that job description!) But the scapegoat is just as likely to be overly biddable, too tolerant and obedient as I was. Because in my experience, there's another child role no one addresses. 

  The Broken Vending Machine Child

  This child has elements of all the roles, yet is expected to do the hero's work with none of the perks. Truly the victim, she must enable their parents and act as a cheerleader, taking the brunt of the dysfunction while staying silent. When her buttons are "pulled," she must dispense whatever is demanded—with no reciprocity or payment. They do all the giving and receive only harm in return, becoming whatever the system forces them to be.

The Scapegoat vs. Golden child power differential 

 In my experience of child roles, the Golden child may actually be the difficult, defiant or troublemaking one, not the scapegoat. Ask any scapegoat. We wouldn't dare to. Whereas the golden child can get away with it because he has diplomatic immunity. Actually all the other siblings can. They knows the scapegoat (especially if it's an older sister) will get the fallout. That's exactly what happened in my family every single time. 

Why These Roles Exist: Reframing the Narrative 

• Narcissistic fantasy These are not real character descriptions of flesh and blood kids. They are pretend, arbitrary supporting roles cast by narcissistic parent directors in their own main character syndrome melodramas. 
• Gaslighting. None of it is real. The parents are just making up nonsense as they go to pander to their self-serving egotism. They gaslight everyone, including us child actors. There's no such thing as the "bad kid" or "good kid" "golden" or "scapegoat.". I wasn't angry, disobedient or willful. I was TOLD I was. I got better grades than anyone else despite being shoved from pillar to post and back.  
• Life imitates artifice. We become the roles assigned to us. We believe we are the stupid things they say we are. Sometimes our roles define us. The golden child begins to believe he is above consequences. The scapegoat believes she's the problem child. 
• Family demographic factors. My theory is that it depends on age, gender and birth order for the assignment of roles. Gender profiling was almost industry standard with kids born before the late 1980s to 1990s. 
• Blended family dynamic. All the difficulties are multiplied in "yours, mine and ours" families. And divorced families with selfish, entitled narcissist parents WILL create dysfunctional dynamics for children.

• Oldest daughter curse 

  Prior to late 80s, female eldest kids were typically cast in scapegoated vending machine-enabler role. Girls were mini adults, almost from birth. Especially if she had narcissistic parents. She'd have the work of the "hero/rescuer with none of the golden child perks. Those were for boys. And if she was oldest and stepchild she was a dead cert for the family's broken vending machine.  

If you identify as typecast by your parents, here's a closing benediction to help you break it and remold yourself as whatever you want. 

Meditations for Typecast Kids

• ✦ You are not your family.
• ✦ You are not the role they assigned you.
• ✦ You can exit stage left any time you wish.
• ✦ You don't need their permission to drop the script.
• ✦ You're the director of your own play.
• ✦ You're the author of your script.