Hello my friends. Today I'm writing from a place I've frequently been in but am now navigating differently. And that's on the receiving end of the narcissistic word salad barrage that comes out of nowhere. I was frequently the butt of narcissistic parent abuse and rage. That's how I developed childhood trauma responses. I'm going to explain how I am doing things differently to bypass the freezing, fixing, fighting and fawning trauma responses. Today, it happened when my husband was in pain, exhausted and angry. He works nights. And doesn't handle pain well. No excuse. Just fact.
My personal narc isn't really a full-blown narc. He's more of an 90% nice guy with trauma-induced narcissistic tendencies that he doesn't check. He has the false idea (he articulate, not me putting words in his mouth) that if he feels attacked it's perfectly fine to "lash back" And actually take it nuclear. Since there's no accounting for what will set off that shame response at any given time, he feels carte blanche to "counterattack" anytime he decides he's been attacked. What really happens is that he draws first blood. An adult with childhood trauma like me wouldn't dream of starting anything. And if I did, I'd back down very quickly. Not so the narcissist. Word salad flies like bullets at the drop of a hat.
And what is word salad? Word salad is the DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), blame-shifting and verbal attacks that occur when a narcissistic injury occurs or their shame rage is activated. Or when they're just "in a mood." They start out bad and to to worse. They provoke confrontation, overreact at anything you say, gaslight you that you said or did things you didn't, then double down on it all. In short, you're in the midst of a shitshow with no idea how you got there or how you could have avoided it.
Because there is no way to avoid attack by an enraged narcissist who has you in his sites.
It doesn't end till they get sick of it. And then they tell you to calm down. 😕
When he has fully sprayed his venom, and only then, he will stop. Not because he's any less arrogant. He just wore himself out. But he has to get the adrenaline payoff first. No matter how many times he promised he will check himself in future. No matter how prettily he apologizes. Because he is sort of sincere but with reservations. He always keeps a trump card in his back pocket, an excuse that nullifies promises. And he gives himself that free pass when he "feels questioned" or "scolded." And which of course is not a real promise of change. It is conditional on his hidden, unspoken criteria.
In short, he future fakes.
Now I'm not saying I have never done anything to provoke. But I've never done anything to provoke more than annoyance. If that. The gaslighting is real and it's easy to believe the wild accusations being hurled in the throes of narcissistic rage. Half the time, I can't remember what I said. And he leverages that to make me think I antagonized him to rage. However, when I stay calm, I realize it's just gaslighting and whatever I said, it didn't warrant an surprise attack.
There is no justification for an ambush. Ever.
Nothing like the venomous, no holds barred word salad he sprays. It's exaggerated, overly-dramatic and utterly baffling. He behaves as if he despises me. And at that moment, I believe he may. Or he may despise himself but doesn't do me the courtesy of differentiating. He takes it out on me. He becomes a different person, in the old Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde switcheroo. Suddenly this person who is my friend, lover, partner is now my enemy. Through no choice of my own. And I didn't come prepared for battle. I've often said I bring flowers to a gunfight.
But here's are some key shifts in strategy that helped me navigate.
On retaliating.
" I didn't. But I also don't let him define retaliating. Narcissists love to chastise you on how you're supposed to respond to their terrible behavior. I'm working to ignore them and do what seems best to me. If he doesn't like it, he'll survive."
On Grey Rocking
"I didn't grey rock. That feels too much like fawning to me. You can only grey rock so much before you feel like nothing more THAN a rock. If I have to grey rock all the time, then this is not a relationship worth keeping."
On Breaking the "Fawn" Response
Refusing to "Fix": "I didn't engage when he tried to (still angrily) change the subject. I didn't take the bait. It's not my problem or my job to fix. It's his."
Holding Ground: "I didn't fawn, back down or apologize for things he was accusing me of."
- Prioritize yourself. "Instead of worrying so much about what he needs or demands of me, I'm now more concerned about what I need. Which is calm and peace."
Rejecting Gaslighting: "I see gaslighting and future faking for what it is... I'm not falling for traps laid by someone in a dysregulated shame spiral."
On Avoiding the temptation to JADE
- Justifying what you did will be met with contempt and sarcasm.
- Answering rhetorical questions will be used to trap you. Arguing just exhausts you.
- Defending your point highlights his ridiculous behavior. He knows you're right and hates it.
- Explaining what you meant is a waste of time because the narcissist doesn't want to hear it.
On Emotional Autonomy
Non-Engagement: "I let him rant and didn't try to stop him... I let him go to bed angry.
Maintaining Momentum: "I kept on with what I was doing and didn't let his rage derail me."
Strategic Distance: "When he wakes up refreshed (and rage vented) he'll apologize. And I'll just give a cool response. Not the silent treatment. Just awareness that this is temporary until he does it again."
The Contractual Nature of Narcissistic Promises
What the narcissist is thinking but not saying when he promises to "try harder" or "do better" is that his promises are contractual. If you meet his unspoken conditions, then he might keep them.
But since these conditions are arbitrary, irrational, and unspecified, it's likely that you'll violate them without even knowing it. When that happens, the narcissist feels entitled to break his promises because, in his mind, you broke his unwritten commands first. He expects that you will keep his promises by keeping him supplied.
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