Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm issuing warnings to beware of hypocritical gaslighting and toxic shaming cloaked as Godly advice. Or to put it simply, nonsense narcissists and blind guides say that sounds helpful but is not.
"When someone yells 'Calm Down' while they are the one riled up, they aren't offering advice—they are shifting blame. Before you accept their 'speck' management, check for the board in their own eye."
Calm down. This one is so not helpful when you are already calm, let alone when you are upset. It's patronizing and smugly condescending. And bass-ackwards blame-shifting because often the person telling you to calm down is actually the one who is all riled up. Blind guides say it like it's wise and Godly but Jesus says to fix the board in your own eye before micromanaging the speck in someone else's. Translation: do you. Ya want calm, be calm.
A soft answer turns away wrath. Mmm, sometimes. But it can also incite it. More often an entitled arrogant narcissist just sees gentleness as weakness and exploits it. And no, kindness never deflects rudeness in a narcissist. It eggs them on because they feel they got one over on you. Or they feel narcissistic injury contrasting their nasty with your goodness. And it goes both ways. One partner should not be the gentle one while the other is always angry. That gets old quick.
Turn the other cheek. Again, for the reasons outlined above, this makes things worse in relationships with narcissists who just strike you again. Especially narcissistic parents who feel even more entitled to abuse already traumatized kids who roll over for it. Turning the other cheek is often a trauma response called fawning. And it never applies to children. Though narcissistic parents gaslight children that it only applies to children, never abusive parents who have never turned the other cheek.
Get over it. Let it go. Rise above. Such sweet sounding advice yet so bitter saccharine in reality. I guarantee you that anyone pratting this iffy advice hasn't gotten over, let go or risen above one "injury" in their life. They clutch at wrongs done to them and nurture grudges like houseplants.
Beware the person who preaches "Forgive and Forget" but nurtures their own grievances like prize-winning houseplants. If their mercy is a one-way street, it’s not a virtue—it’s a control tactic.
(Pause for laugh--take a good look at this image Google AI made for me. I cried with laughter over the "wrong reply all" and the "joke about my tie.")
Bite your tongue. Isn't it funny how people dole out advice are so poor at following it? They who've just ranted to you about some injustice, suddenly get all holier-than-thou if you share something. Where I aim to practice biting my tongue is on giving unsolicited advice. Further, keeping silent in the face of narcissistic rage, only begets more rage. And further still, it's a two-way street. The silent one can't stay that way forever. She needs respect when it's her turn to crack as humans inevitably do.
Forgive and Forget. Sounds good in theory. Sadly the folks preaching mercy, preach it for themselves. I was always told I had to forgive them though they aren't sorry and have never changed. While they are the most merciless, long-memory-ed elephants you could meet.
Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. Another sounds great on paper idea. And often one that's "more honored in the breach than the observance." Or it's one-sided. One person is always doing the giving in and getting over, while the other keeps nursing his grievances.
Don't sulk, pout etc. My narcissistic parents loved to tell me this when they had done something to upset me. They'd gotten their narcissistic supply out of seeing me hurt. And now got a double dip gaslighting me that I was the one in the wrong. They love the "honor your parents" bit and ignore the "don't lead your children to anger." And I wouldn't know how to sulk or pout, that being very dangerous. More likely I was trauma responding.
The Bible says...(insert unsolicited advice). I'm really cautious about spouting Bible adages at people to start with. It comes across as smug and supercilious. They can read. They don't need me pontificating at them especially when they are vulnerable. As usually they are when, ironically, this "helpful" advice is trotted out. If someone shares a personal struggle, I feel privileged to be trusted with it. I may not be able to fix it but I can care. And I should never exploit it to make myself feel bigger. 
Never tire of doing good. Oh but you do when you are the only one expected to. Again with this very finger-pointy advice, the finger pointer forgets four more are pointed back at her. The problem is, what she's saying is "you should never tire." Yet holds herself exempt from Biblical commands. Which brings me to the conclusion of...
The double-edged dilemma
I think the biggest hypocrisy with all this advice is that they are usually one sided. The preacher and the penitent. Yet they are knives that cut two ways. They are taught best with deeds than with words. The person preaching it should be very careful to do what he says, first, and not just to "set an example." All too often, especially with narcissists, there's an unspoken contract involved. They did one good thing, now you're bound to endless obligations in return. But we are told to do good just because. Boy did my parents love to quote that at me. Serve with no thought of reward was the burden they bound me to. And yet they did just the opposite. They neglected my basic needs including the proverbial "roof over my head." They gaslit me that they were not obligated to me in anyway. And yet I was obligated endlessly to their service.
All of these are two sides of the same coin. Reciprocity matters. If a husband is veering into anger and his wife responds kindly, he owes her the same courtesy. We don't give JUST to get but yet it is transactional. What goes around comes around. You don't keep paying on a car you can never drive away. All these only work if everyone in the equation works them. If only one is, she just keeps on being the "broken vending child" she was always made to be. But that was then and this is now. Now we have strategies.
When reciprocity fails and the "Godly advice" becomes a weapon, your only winning move is distance.
- Disengage: Don't feed the "Supply Tank."
- Detach: Your peace is not up for negotiation.
- Depart: Physically or emotionally move to a safe harbor.
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