Proactive Ways to navigate narcissistic rage (you'll hate number 5)

 

Hello my friends! I just did my therapy post in my lesson plans blog and now feel recharged enough to address ways to navigate narcissistic rage. I lived all my life with narcissistic parents (four, count them!). Most of what I learned from that was counterproductive for me. You know, the old trauma responses of freeze, fawn, fix, fight, flight. It kept me alive and that's about it. So now as an adult childhood trauma survivor, I have carryover trauma responses that don't fit at all in the real world and especially not with narcissistic behavior now. Here are some proactive ways to deal with narcissists and you'll hate number 5.  Sorry. 

Proact vs. React

This is probably the most important one. When I react, I let them call the shots. The term means "acting in response to" another's actions. Kind of tit for tat. Now granted the narcissist's behavior is a cause and my response is an effect. I wouldn't react if he didn't attack or provoke. And therein lies the rub: erecting sturdy enough boundaries that when Mr. Narcissist comes gate crashing, my defenses are sound. I'm ready for him. I couldn't do this as a child and didn't even know I could. And my enmeshed narcissistic parents played on this for all it was worth. But now I can...

Build low strong walls

Build barricades strong enough to withstand and not be breached but low enough to see narcissistic abuse coming. You know, like a Dutch door. But no one wants to live in a walled off ghetto. So I've had to kind of built walls around my mind to secure it from narcissistic rage, word salad, DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), blame-shifting and other dirty mind games narcissists play. I'm working to create mental and emotional force fields around my sanity and deflector shields against narcissists' gaslighting. 

Make a latex suit of armor

Now as weird as this sounds, hear me out. The old saying "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you throw bounces off me and stick to you" is my mantra. They've had a narcissistic injury but it's not my fault. It's not about me, it's about their fragile ego. I didn't cause it, can't fix or cure it. It's not my responsibility. I couldn't say this as a kid. Narcissistic parent abuse surrounded me in a gaslighting FOG of fear, obligation and guilt. And it is difficult to shake off their flying monkey voices in my head. But "one day at a time." 

Fake it till you make it

I love this line from Alanon. It goes with "practice makes better." When those old people-pleasing fawn trauma responses kick in, I pretend I can't hear them. When Ms. Fix-it is triggered by narcissistic rage, into complying and giving them what they want, I bite my tongue and grey rock. It's hard because damn they're so antagonistically sure of their own self-righteousness. I get exhausted and confused listening to their barrage of word salad. So I'm learning to just take a deep breath and remember that this too shall pass. 

When all else fails

Here comes the one you'll hate. So you've done your due diligence. You responded proactively instead of reactively. Check. You set and guarded your boundaries. Check. You donned your rubber HAZMAT suit. Check. You stood firm. Check. 

And still the narcissist rages on

Yep, that's pretty much their trajectory.  There is no winning. There is no breaking even. There's just their shit and you shoved in it.  They will pick, and poke and prod and pry until you holler "Uncle!" And then they maliciously shame you for cracking under pressure that would bust the Hoover Dam. They do love them some high horse! It ain't over till they say it's over. Usually when they have spent their energy like a storm. Then they are all smiles cause they got their narcissistic supply tanks filled. Don't ask me how or why. It's mental. 

So what do you do? Get the actual out of Dodge. This is especially important if children are involved. God, how many times I stayed and kept my kids in the eye of the hurricane when I should have taken them to the library. And if you can't, like I, in my defense often couldn't, stay out of the storm. Tell the kids to just let Daddy be. Tell them it's not their fault he's making bad choices. Lay low. Grey Rock. Be monosyllabic. Don't make eye contact (you won't like what you see). Now's not the time for conversations. Just keep doing what you're doing. Basically, ignore their little temper tantrums till they tire. Then let them sleep it off, like a drunk. 

And when the storm clears

Go back to steps 1-4. Don't grovel or fawn or welcome him back with open arms. Don't pretend it didn't happen. It did. Do Not Apologize for stuff you didn't do. That's just IBLP Bill Gothard hogwash. Don't be prickly or sullen. Don't give the cold shoulder. Just keep paddling. If he apologizes, you can accept it but you don't have to. And you don't have to say if you do or don't. You don't owe him reconciliation because you have nothing to reconcile. That's his job. 

If he wants to talk, you can choose to or not. But if the narcissistic word salad and DARVO starts, halt the conversation. It will just spiral downward. If this is a situational narcissist, you can probably have that conversation now about how abusive his behavior is. If he listens, proceed. If he's still defensive and aggressive, stop. Don't get dragged into narcissistic rage fests.