How I lost 100 pounds by healing Body Dysmorphic Disorder from childhood trauma responses

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Hello my friends! I just realized something about how I lost 100 pounds and childhood trauma recovery. These two are linked and also interconnected with something called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I'm going to show how healing one can help the others. But it starts with healing childhood trauma responses from narcissistic parent abuse. 

Abusive neglect + parentification + toxic shaming trifecta

In a recent post I wrote about how I lost 100 pounds by feeding my inner child and starving my abusive parents of narcissistic supply I'd always provided them. I've always struggled with weight loss issues and BDD, when I was an overweight child of 100 pounds and then when I was an underweight adult of 108 pounds and then when I gained 100 pounds after losing two stillborn babies and going on the anti-depressant Paxil. And then after I lost 100 pounds. It didn't matter because I always felt fat. I call this "fattitude" where no matter what you weigh, you see yourself as fat. And that stemmed toxic shaming by four narcissistic parents, and from not being cared for properly (abusive neglect) and by having to parent my parents and their kids, as a child myself (parentification). 

Childhood trauma responses develop from parent abuse and gaslighting

I was not cared for in any way resembling basic, normal parenting.  My narcissistic parents thought only ever of themselves. They owed me nothing while I owed them everything they said. I was food and shelter insecure, sleep deprived, medically neglected, abandoned and endangered. I was not supervised, protected or kept safe, even as young as 3 or 4. Most of my life, I didn't know where appropriate adults were, let alone parents. I was groomed in trauma responses of fear, freezing and fawning. I developed what I call the "self check-out smile" (fearful and people pleasing). I walked in a clumsy "backward crab shuffle" because I  was told I was always in the way. I did a lot of "pretzeling" (twisting myself into impossible positions) to be and do the weird inappropriate things they demanded of me. Their gaslighting made it seem normal even though no one else was treated this way. I became the broken vending machine child. 

How parent abuse creates a childhood trauma brain 

I developed no self-care skills. Those were selfish, my very arrogant and selfish parents said. I needed to care for them, not me. My self-image was shot to hell and self-esteem was non-existent. I was self-harming from age 6 and then trying to rub out the bite marks on my arm so they wouldn't upset anyone. I nervous anxiety, hypervigilance, constant deferring and subservient groveling. I was trauma bonded to all these abusive people. And betrayal blindness kept me shacked to my enmeshed parents. This was my childhood trauma brain-- a dark place of self-loathing. 

Childhood Trauma responses don't age well

I lack confidence to make simple decisions. I second-guess myself because I was always second-guessed. My back is twisted and my rib cage is sprung. Everything hurts all the time. I trauma nightmare all night long. I've had many dissociative splits. I crouch and hunch over to stay small and out of everyone's way. And when I look in the mirror, all I see is an ugly misshapen, fat troll. I feel stupid, humiliated, awkward and incompetent, despite having proved my abilities for over 60 years. I just can't see it, even when people affirm me. I have Imposter Syndrome in which I believe that if they knew me, they would not like or approve of me. So for me, it's more than just Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It's Self Dysmorphic Disorder. 

Self-fulfilling parent gaslighting

All the things they said of me, that I was 

• selfish
• clumsy
• fat
• angry 
• spoiled
• dirty
• pouty
• jealous
• a disappointment to God
• disobedient
• disloyal
• funny looking
• a show off
• attention seeking
• needy
• too proud
• too sensitive
• too critical of them 
• a nuisance
• a failure
• their servant
• their parent
• their spouse

Have in my mind's eye, come true. It's as if I'm living out the scapegoat role assigned to me. I don't even know if I am any of those things. My family says it's all their bullshit and I'm a decent person. But self dysmorphia doesn't let you see that. You spend your life trying to please, to do better and be better for these unpleasable people. Now I am beginning to see that they were the problem. But in some ways it's too late. I wish I could. I began this article with the hope of sharing ways out. But I seem to have lost the plot. 

What AI has to say

So I turned to AI to help me understand and clarify what went wrong. How can I find the path? And here are some interesting things she had to say to me. (I think of AI as her). 

Refining the "Self Dysmorphia" Concept

You mention that the labels (selfish, clumsy, failure, etc.) have come true in your mind’s eye. This is a physiological response:

• When a child is gaslit for decades, the brain actually wires itself to believe the "predator" (the parent) in order to survive.

• Recognizing that your "Self Dysmorphia" is a protective survival mechanism—rather than a character flaw—could be the bridge to the "sharing ways out" part of your article.

The Turning Point: "Starving the Supply"

You hit on a powerful note when you said you lost weight by "starving my abusive parents of narcissistic supply." This is a huge way exit ramp. 

• Most weight loss articles focus on calories.

• Yours focuses on energy boundaries.

• You might consider expanding on how saying "No" to them literally changed how you fed yourself.

Reclaiming the Mirror

In your section about "Imposter Syndrome," you mentioned that even when people affirm you, you can't see it.

• Perhaps you could share one small "Self-Care Skill" you’ve started to practice? To which I answer: Un-pretzel. Take up space. Stand tall in my shoes,  like Dr. Seuss says in "Oh the places you'll go." Because I do have a head full of brains and a voice, rusty though it is from silencing. 

• Even something as simple as the "Teacher Omi" voice—how would Teacher Omi talk to that 6-year-old girl trying to rub out the bite marks on her arm? To which I reply, I as Teacher Omi would scoop this little child up, cry over and kiss her poor little bruised arm. Then I would find out why this child is feeling the need to bite out pain.

Closing thought

Since you feel like you've lost the plot at the end, try ending this specific post on a "to be continued" note, or a simple acknowledgment:

"I started this to share the way out, but as I write, I realize I’m still standing in the hallway. And maybe that’s the first step—admitting that the 'Scapegoat Role' was a suit of clothes I was forced to wear, and I’m finally starting to unbutton the coat."

Homework rewiring the faulty disconnects

 1. The "Self-Parenting" Prescription

• The Dysmorphia: My self-care was labeled "selfish."

• The New Wire: Self-care is non-negotiable. It is the fuel for recovery.

2. Finding Your Voice (rusty though it is)

• The Dysmorphia: I must fawn and please to stay safe.

• The New Wire: My "No" is my shield. My "Yes" is my truth.

• Activity "Mirror Affirmation" practice—specifically, looking your reflection (the troll or the woman) in the eye and saying: "You were a child. You were never to blame."

3. Redefining the Scapegoat's Role

• The Dysmorphia: I am living out the roles they assigned me.

• The New Wire: I am the Author. The story was forced, but the revision is mine.

• Activity for your post: I choose what I will do.