Unconditional Agape love is dangerous religious gaslighting for kids of narcissistic parents

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring how Agape or unconditional love is dangerous religious gaslighting for kids of narcissistic parents to practice. Psychologist and narcissism expert Dr. Ramani discussed how unconditional love, also called unconditional positive regard (UPR), is self-harm on YouTube recently. And it got me recalling all damage I've experienced from being force-fed on it. 

Definitions reveal dangers

I'll begin by breaking down what UPR and agape love entail. And I think you'll be able to see how harmful it is, when expected from children of narcissists by not reciprocated by parents. The operative word being "expected." We had no choice to participate in this double standard hypocrisy. As the Broken Vending Machine child, I had to give all good while receiving only hurt in return. The directional nature of the unconditional love was flip-flopped. 

Unconditional Love: The Relational Application of UPR

In the context of UPR, unconditional love is the choice to extend complete acceptance to a specific person, separating who they are from what they do. It is based on the UPR theory advanced by psychoanalyst Dr. Carl Rogers. 

• The Core Definition: It is love given freely without strings, caveats, or expectations of return. It's non-judgmental tolerance and goodwill.  

• The UPR Connection: Rogers argued that a person needs UPR to achieve "self-actualization." Unconditional love provides this exact environment. It says, "I accept you exactly as you are, with all your flaws, mistakes, and defenses. My love for you is not contingent upon your performance, your utility to me, or your compliance with my wishes."

• The Human Element: Because it is usually relational (e.g., a parent for a child, or a spouse), human unconditional love can still feel deeply personal, intimate, and emotional. The order of operations matters. 
  

  
  
  
  

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2. Agape Love: The Universal Extension of UPR

While unconditional love is typically directed at a specific loved one, Agape love (traditionally a philosophical and theological term) is the universal, transcendent extension of Unconditional Positive Regard to all of humanity. (NB: sounds great in theory, but almost impossible to practice.)

• The Core Definition: Agape is a deliberate, volitional choice to desire the absolute highest good for another person, regardless of whether you know them, like them, or agree with them. It is entirely selfless and altruistic.

• The UPR Connection: Agape is UPR operating at scale. It requires the ultimate separation of a person’s behavior from their inherent worth. To practice agape love through a UPR lens means looking at an enemy, a stranger, or someone causing harm, and recognizing their fundamental humanity. It doesn't condone their actions, but it refuses to strip them of their human value.

• The Philosophical Element: Agape is less about an emotional "feeling" and entirely about a spiritual or ethical stance of goodwill. 

DANGERS: Agape love seems more doable and reasonable but that in itself creates more slippery slopes for narcissistically abused children. We were made to condone the actions of our parents with no reciprocity given to us. We had to practice what they preached. And this gaslighting taught us no self-care skills. We extend limitless clemency and approval to all, heedless of the harm it does us. And predators and perpetrators exploit this to hurt us because our parents set the example and gave them carte blanche by neglecting to protect us. 

But love IS conditional, says God

Over and over again, God says what love is and isn't. Love is conditional in the sense that there are certain requirements we must meet to call what we do, love. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (NIV)

So you might say, those are definitions not conditions. That is what narcissists do. They split hairs. They polarize and set up odd hypocritical double standards. Because these are both definitions and conditions. They are the biosphere that love lives in. Without them, love can't exist. But I'll make it plainer. Lord's Prayer, said by Jesus, "forgive us our sins AS WE forgive others." It's transactional. We love because he loved us. We forgive as He forgives us.  

Later he says, you say you love me but you don't do what I tell you to. Love one another. And he breaks it down further. Whatever you do to the least (youngest) of my brothers, you do to me. So if you love a child, you love God. If you hurt a child, you hurt God. Love is transactional. It must be given and returned. Both parties must pay it out. 

Love is an action verb. 

Love is a two-way street not a one-sided expectation

And here's a big gaslighting disconnect that narcissistic parents love to exploit. They flip the love light switch back and forth to suit their selfish ends. On the child, off them. They shine the spotlight on the child putting endless demands on her to show them love. And they turn it away from their own shady unloving abuse. They expect the child to overlook, excuse and defend all their bad actions. While denying her her basic rights to parental love. They put all kinds of impossible stipulations around it as if love is something she must earn. While taking full advantage of all God's promises they feel they are owed. They do not show mercy in return. They swallow the camel of their own sin and strain at the gnat of the child's. They're speck inspectors, blinded by the board in their own eyes. 

WARNING Light Out AHead

So we need to be really careful how we preach to trauma bonded children of narcissists about unconditional love. Us kiddos get the message, we give it, but we never got it in return.

Love is betrayal blind

Nobody needs to tell a child to love her parents. It's hardwired in. But a traumatized child doesn't get loved BY the parents she loves and who are supposed to love her. It's all kinds of broken. Betrayal blindness kept some us in the dark for decades of our lives. While we still kept paying out all the crazy demands put on us, with not thought of reciprocity from parents. This train runs only one way for children of narcissists.