Enmeshed, narcissistic parents with Munchausen's ruin golden and scapegoat child's lives

Hello my friends! Today in my healing journey from childhood trauma, I'm exploring connections between enmeshment, narcissism and Munchausen's Syndrome (Factitious Disorder) in parents. I'll show how this deadly trifecta ruins not only the scapegoat and golden child's lives but also the lives of all children in the family. 

First some definitions:

• Parent enmeshment 

Think of a net that's all in a heap. That's the enmeshed parent, all twisted up in the child's life, taking charge where she doesn't belong. She stands too close. The enmeshed dad purposely blurs boundaries, invades privacy and snoops in his child's business. An enmeshed parent is a controlling autocrat but also needy toddler.  She absorbs and enslaves the child. She demands care and attention as if he is the parent and she is the child. The enmeshed father expects endless loyalty, usurping the child's autonomy. He interferes in things that aren't his business and demands the child surrender her life, time and energy for him. 

• Narcissistic parents

Children are self-centered by nature. They have to be in order to survive. But as we grow, we put off childish selfishness and become more balanced. We tend to our needs but not at someone else's expense. Narcissists are completely self-absorbed ADULTS. They feel entitled to special privileges and exemptions. They're ruthless and remorseless. They get a narcissistic supply by exploiting other people. Narcissistic parents not only think only of  themselves they coerce their child into serving their needs. This is complete heresy to what healthy parenting looks like.

Munchausen's Syndrome or Factitious disorder

This is called a condition but I see it more as a chosen behavior pattern rather than something the person has no control over.  A person with Munchausen's is obsessed with her health (if Munchausen's by Proxy, the health of a child, usually the golden child. 

She takes it beyond hypochondria by making up symptoms for pity, attention-seeking, financial gain, to excuse behavior or avoid responsibility. She will feign dementia to get people to feel sorry for her and overlook her bad behavior. She doesn't just fake or exaggerate symptoms though that's part of it. She gaslights people with entirely fabricated and bizarre conditions that defy medical explanation. She may even make herself sick or injure herself. This is weaponized incompetence at its worst. 

Child roles in dysfunctional families: there are five or six depending on the model you use but I'm going to reference the two most common. 

• Hero or Golden Child this is mommy's favored little angel who can do no wrong. He's her champion and cheerleader. He gives her what she wants and she relies on him for everything. She thinks the sun rises and sets in him. This is the child she's most likely to be enmeshed with. And being the Golden Child seems great, it can be just as miserable as any other enforced role. 

• Scapegoat or Cinderella. While many models describe this child as the hostile troublemaker, I experienced scapegoating differently. I was expected to cheerfully serve everyone at all times. So I did. If there's an aggressive kid, it's often the golden child because they can get away with murder while the scapegoat can't win for losing. 
  The Scapegoat Paradox:
  In the Munchausen-Narcissism trifecta, the Scapegoat isn't always the 'troublemaker.' Often, they are the most biddable and utile—the one expected to carry the physical and emotional labor of the entire family while receiving none of the credit.

The Factitious disorder, enmeshment and narcissism team trifecta

Most narcissistic parents are enmeshed on some level simply by their complete egomania. Children exist to serve them. Everything must revolve around them so children naturally will be expected to fawn over the parent. The narcissistic father is only concerned with how his child makes him look and holds himself exempt from personal responsibility to the child. 

 All enmeshed parents are narcissistic to a degree, believing that the child should be utterly wrapped up in the parents instead of having her own life. They are arrogant, believing that they and only they know what's best for the child. They demand rights over the child that are not theirs to have. They disregard personal boundaries, rights and personal space. So again, the child exists to fill a role preordained by the parent. 

Narcissists are obsessed with themselves. And folks with Factitious Disorder have a core of narcissism. because they are obsessed with their health (and only theirs) and expect everyone else to be obsessed with their health as well, to the exclusion of their own.  My mother will dramatize a hangnail (truly) and compare it to my darn-near deadly suffering with pre-vax Covid. She scolded me for not supporting her body weight with the shoulder that's I'd just had surgery on. She's glib and unconcerned about anyone's real issues. She has accused me of showing off for attention, while melodramatically complaining about hers. And when the doctor inevitably dismisses it as exaggerated or non-existent, she becomes enraged, "fires" the doctor and moves on to another who inevitably sees through the facade too. We're all supposed to commiserate with her and no one can point out the elephant in the living room that mom may be faking it. 

Narcissistic Enmeshed Factitious Disorder Martyr

The parent with Factitious Disorder does not suffer in silence. That's the entire point of the exercise. Everyone must know, feel sorry and guilty about mother's "terrible" mystery ailments. Even though they may be in great pain themselves. No one must ever say because mother must outshine everyone else.  

They must feel obligated to compensate and pick up the slack for this poor woebegone martyr not matter what they are going through. After all "she hurts" and tells you so all the time. As if she's the only one who has ever felt pain. She's not a complainer, mind you. She "bears her cross" bravely as her "poor me" face shows. She sighs dramatically saying she "hates being a burden" and then sulks if not waited on immediately. She's always moaning about being "prostrate with exhaustion" when YOU are the one doing all her work. And she's not too weary to fly into a towering rage if she doesn't get exactly what she wants. 

She brags about her famous easy-going nature then crabs if you fix her chicken two days in a row. If you say you can't help her, oh god help you. She huffs about how all she asked was one tiny thing that you were too selfish to do. And if she snaps at you, well, you should just count yourself lucky to be allowed to bear some of her load. 

It's a load all right, of hogwash. What she is, is a lazy, bossy, petulant, whiny tyrant. And you are her dogs-body, factotum and minion. 

How the narcissism trifecta hurts all the children in the family

The bottom line is that no matter what role your dysfunctional family has assigned you, it is wrong and abusive. Children are human individuals not archetypes. But in the narcissistic parent's world everyone, especially children, exists to serve.

The Invisible Job Description:
When a parent is enmeshed and narcissistic, the child is never just a child. They are drafted into an unpaid, lifelong career of emotional labor. Look at this list—how many of these 'jobs' did you hold before you even turned eighteen?

• therapist
• nurse
• psychiatrist
• Ride or Die
• sounding board
• caregiver
• housekeeper
• entertainment committee
• server
• nanny
• enabler
• security blankie
• partner
• date
• bodyguard
• taxi service
• pacifier
• emotional support animal
• mental load bearer
• cuddle toy
• paparazzi
• ATM
• defense lawyer
• handmaiden
• peacemaker
• advocate
• translator
• prop
• cheerleader
• support system 

Or all of the above. And I've probably forgotten some. All of these weaponized "duties" are inappropriate for an adult to perform for another adult, not to mention a child for a parent. 

🌿 Reclamation Homework

Take your time with these. There is no "grade" here—only the slow, steady process of finding where they end and you begin.

• The Obligation Audit: List the things you feel "obliged" to do for your parents. Ask yourself: Is this a child's responsibility, or an adult's? (HINT: If they use the phrase "what you owe us," it’s almost certainly not a real debt.)
• The Suffocation Check: Do you ever feel physically "crowded" or suffocated by their presence, even from a distance? That physical reaction is your body's way of flagging inappropriate enmeshment.
• The Convenience Factor: Does their "illness" or "crisis" always seem to flare up exactly when you are focusing on your own life or setting a boundary?

Be patient with yourself. Healing isn't a race; it's a reclamation of the self you were always meant to be.