Hello my friends. Today on the path to healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm exploring the problem of parent enmeshment. I'm going to define or redefine, from my own life experience, some terms. I will also show snapshots of the claustrophobic life an enmeshed parent forces on a child and how crippling it can be.
First let's untangle the word "enmeshed" which can be a little misleading. I liken it to a net that's tumbled in a corner that people trip over because they get caught is the mesh of it. Think of the old Scooby Doo cartoons where the villains were captured in a net that fell on them. The net metaphor serves to illustrate how the enmeshed parent traps the child and holds her hostage, like a spider in a web.
And a disclaimer: Used to describe families, the term enmeshed connotes a dysfunctional behavior. Parents enmesh by twisting themselves up in their children's lives, in unhealthy way. But a child is normally enmeshed with her parents. Her life is knit to theirs because she relies on them. So enmeshment in children is appropriate just like codependency. A child IS dependent upon the parents. Children are not enmeshed they are attached.
But neither the word "enmeshment" nor the net metaphor explain it quite right. I prefer the term entanglement and the metaphor of yarn pieces all snarled up. It takes hours to sort out because you don't know where one ends and the other begins. And THAT is the enmeshment dilemma crystalized. The enmeshed parent ensnares the child in herself so that he doesn't know where or if he begins.
His life is just one big PARENT with all her needs, wants, demands, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, goals etc. His don't matter, only hers. And her being centers on him as the fulfillment of her everything. Which would be onerous enough for the child, but she also expects him to likewise and make her his all. What a terrible life for a child. Sadly, back stories of molesters and serial killers often reveal enmeshed parent abuse.
Now you may be tempted to feel sorry for this pathetic, clingy parent. But don't because her neediness is just a facade for raging control freak dominatrix. She doesn't just expect to be the child's best buddy and constant companion. (And that image alone triggers my flight panic response.) The narcissistic (because they're often both narcissistic and enmeshed) parent absorbs the child.
The enmeshed dad consumes the child, body and soul. He feeds off the child, allowing no autonomous thought, no independence, no life. Mother lives vicariously through her son and expects him to live only through her. It's awkward enough when he's little but as he matures, it's hell.
How does the enmeshed parent accomplish this? Here's a list of maneuvers but be prepared as this is triggering. I feel my throat tightening just writing it.
Leveraging normal parent duties
The father exploits routine parenting jobs: feeding, clothing, housing, to manufacture a sense indebtedness. He makes her feel she owes him for the privilege of existing.
"After all I've done for you..."
But they never finish the sentence. It's left open-ended to imply that the child should feel endlessly beholden for everything. My dad gaslit me that he'd done so much when in fact, he'd not even done the bare minimum.
"If you really loved me..."
Again the hanging ellipsis. Parents create a false If-then paradigm to coerce the child into performing any and all tasks they require to prove their love. What they aren't saying but thinking is "do whatever I want." It's emotional blackmail that you can never pay your way out of.
⚠️ The Unfinished Sentence:
When a parent leaves an ellipsis after "After all I've done..." or "If you loved me...", they are leaving a vacuum for you to fill with compliance. It is a silent contract where the terms are constantly changing so you can never actually "pay off" the debt.
Role reversal
Child must parent adult. Adult acts babyish, whiny, petulant and bratty and child soothes, comforts and nurtures. Dad gets narcissistic supply. And the child cries herself to sleep, alone. Again.
Boundary Crashing
In the parent's mind, the child does not exist separate from him. She is just a reflection of dad. He owns her. So what's hers is his. He intrudes himself where he has no business being. Like in the bathroom when she's in there. He doesn't respect her wishes, space, needs, rights or wants. He arrogantly does as he pleases, riding herd over boundaries and if his child gets upset, he scolds her for being too sensitive.
Privacy invasion
Mother walks into son's bedroom, unannounced. She says she's "just up there to clean" but she's prying. She reads mail and diaries. She's nosy and eavesdrops on conversations. She accuses him of keeping secrets from her when he just wants some space. She says he can tell her anything. Mmm, maybe but there are some things he doesn't WANT to.
Chaotic and unpredictable
What they want changes. The black hole is never filled. You can never be enough, give enough, do enough. My mother-in-law made her birthday a holy day of obligation. No matter what we gave her, she turned up her nose at it.
Pouting and sulking
I just feel weary remembering all the temper tantrums of mom, dad, stepdad, stepmom, mother-in-law. Sullen scowling faces, lips pursed like dog's anus. cold shoulder, silent treatment, waspishness, peevishness. And I never recall being told what they were mad about, just that it was at me.
FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)
For all the enmeshed parent prattles about how much she's done, given up, loves the child, the air is always thick with tension and rage. Life feels like a battlefield but no one ever says what it's about. There's just an oppressive fog of rank fear like humid air before thunder.
Weird Parent Energy
Enmeshed parents feel the need to reiterate that they are parents, a LOT. She tells personal intimate stories about "her baby" (when he's 35) in public. She tells stories in such a way to make him feel, look and sound foolish. She's says nobody minds because after all, she IS his MOTHER. She gave birth to him (and tells the story to everyone who will listen). Actually we do mind on his behalf. We wish she wouldn't intentionally humiliate him.
Taking cloaked as giving
Enmeshed narcissistic parents brag a lot about how hard they work, when they don't work any harder or more than anyone else, less sometimes. They expect the child to cater to them because they DO SO MUCH for the family. Actually, in my case, it was me doing all the housework and childcare. And my dad just being a needy, demanding energy vampire.
Awkwardly obsessed
My mother cannot speak a sentence without referencing her golden child "J" who is 47 and still living at home. She insists on sitting next to "J" everywhere they go. She pulls her close and they whisper, giggle and point at people like immature tweens. Every topic revolves around how "J" thinks, needs, feels, experiences it. You cannot share anything without interruptions regaling you with what "J" did. Mom's boasting is embarrassing for everyone, even J. Everyone acts cringy uncomfortable and changes the subject. If you get a new car, it would be nice for J. A new house? J should be allowed to move in with you.
Demand Exclusivity
Mother wants her golden child all to herself and what mother wants, mother gets. And everyone else gets left out. But it's no picnic for the golden child. It's humiliating, emasculating, infantilizing and patronizing to have a mother cooing over him like a baby. Enfolding, sequestering, sheltering are essential for babies. For grown men, not so much. No one wants or should want to be so mummy wrapped he can't see out. Not with anyone, especially not a parent. It's kind of creepy.
Emotional incest
She doesn't just get a little too close for comfort. She crawls into bed with the child, so to speak. She touches inappropriately. She fondles his hair like a girlfriend would. She sits too close and hangs on him. She kisses and strokes him like a puppy. She says he has a nice a$$ in front of his friends. She is the OG smother mother.
The Boundary Erasure:
"She crawls into bed with the child, so to speak."
This isn't about affection; it is about possession. In these moments, the parent is using the child's body and personal space to soothe their own emotional voids, completely ignoring the child's right to physical autonomy.
Unnecessarily and strangely dependent
My mother expects her family to do everything for her. And I mean everything including changing diapers she doesn't need to be wearing. She just likes "the freedom." She pretends to be unable to walk when anyone is watching but she walks fine when there is no audience. She says she will just get up and walk away when told to sit on a bench. She says she'll just walk into traffic, if someone doesn't stop her. She feigns hearing impairment but can hear just fine when she chooses to. The fact that she can articulate tells me this is a narcissistic attention-seeking ploy. This didn't start when she became elderly. She's been doing these kinds of things as long as I can remember.
Venomously Competitive
Speaking of girlfriends (or boyfriends), the enmeshed parents HATES them. She's sees no reason why she shouldn't be the center of his world like he is in hers. And mother doesn't share. She resents anyone coming between them (as she sees it). My MIL was LIVID when we announced we were getting married. She cried the entire day of the wedding, big ugly jealous tears of resentment. My husband said it was like a funeral not a wedding.
I don't get no respect
She complains how nobody appreciates her, after all she's given up, can't you just give a little? After all she gave you life and she'll be dead soon. Yes, they really do say these things. But don't be fooled by her gaslighting. She gets respect, love, affirmation by the bucketful. But she never gives it in return, despite all her protestations. She has a short memory for her shortcomings. She disrespectfully crashes boundaries, invades privacy, expects pampering, manipulates, humiliates and retaliates. She doesn't want respect. She wants CONTROL.
I, Me, Mine
Here's the sad hypocrisy about enmeshed parents. It's not about the child, it's always about them. They don't love the child they use them. To bolster their frail egos, to prop them up, to bask in their achievements, to fill their needs. It's their show and they are the main characters. They are almost always narcissistic. Children don't owe their parents this. Parents owe their children these things.
"The enmeshed parent ensnares the child in herself so that he doesn't know where or if he begins."
Reflect: When you make a decision today, ask yourself: Is this for me, or is this a reflex to keep the 'mesh' from tightening?
So here's some things to think about if you are dealing with an enmeshed parent.
- You don't owe them anything.
- The parent is always the parent and the child is always the child.
- Enmeshed parents don't love, they use.
✨ Your Permission Slip
If you are uncomfortable with the smothering, and you need someone to say it's okay to step back... let it be me.
You are allowed to breathe. You are allowed to be separate. You are allowed to be YOU.
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