Hello my friends. Today on the path to healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm reflecting on a post by YouTube trauma recovery specialist Jerry Wise. He just spoke right to my heart, addressing the unique challenges for women who suffered at the hands of narcissistic parents. I'm living that struggle and here are some of the most difficult parts of healing.
Society normalizes subjugation and domestication of girls like pack animals
As kids, us daughters of narcissistic parents, who are now in our 50s, 60s and up, got the lion's share of the trauma. Everywhere, the world was oriented toward subjugating women in the caregiver, nurturer, doer, servant role. Many of us were parenting our parents and their other children when we were kids ourselves. This parentification left of with gaping holes in our self-care skills and far too much FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that was never ours. But no one called it abuse. It was just what a good girl did. And then if you, like me had narcissistic parents who divorced and married other narcissists (funny how like attracts like), you were inundated with demands.
Chore differential in boys and girls
I was doing adult heavy housework before puberty. I used to think I just had a lot of chores. Now I see that I did all the chores while my parents and stepparents laid around. Literally. I did everything my stepmother didn't want to do, which was everything. I was supporting my mom's new family. And I raised their kids while doing it, including co-sleeping with their babies and getting up at night with them. On top of schoolwork. And none of the kids did anything. Even in normal homes, girls were the ones who set the table, prepared and served meals, cleared the table, did the dishes, swept and tidied up. While the son took out one measly bag of trash. I did all that plus I ironed, folded clothes, washed windows, mopped the floor on my hands and knees, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, made lunches for everyone, hung the clothes on the line (in winter, I had to scale snowbanks), put the clothes away, changed diapers, babysat for free. While my dad's sons mowed the lawn badly once in awhile. And took turns with that one task.
Girls had to juggle it all
On top of all those chores, I kept up with my schoolwork while my brothers slacked off. Sometimes I'd be up till 10 finishing homework because I had so many other duties and those had to come first. I started in right after school and was still finishing up when everyone was parked in front of the TV. Then I was back up at 5. I why it was so crucial I mop twice a week. My parents never cleaned. And they didn't provide resources that they'd surely have had if it was them doing it. And girls did better in school than boys despite being considered only fit for caregiving jobs. Because boys had the luxury of refusing to do homework, whining how boring it was, being the class ass, while girls had to be good do-bees, knuckle under and smile benevolently at those rascally boys.
Boys will be boys but girls must be women
Bad behavior was expected of men, because "boys will be boys." But we girls had to be mature, functional adults when we were only kids. We had to be demur, "ladylike" polite, mannerly, sedate, quiet, small, biddable, obedient, respectful. Boys could be and were rude, noisy, rowdy, trouble-makers, hell-raisers, delinquents, dropouts. While girls must get a good education they could never use. They must let boys get aways with murder while parents smiled fondly. We carried the can and did all the heavy lifting so they could do as they wanted.
Our Lady of Perpetual Help
I am very empathetic, too empathetic and yes, that's a thing. You can care too much about others and not enough about yourself. And I wouldn't be so obsessively empathetic if I hadn't be indoctrinated to. I was expected to endure teasing, ridicule, sexual harassment, public humiliation, attacks, ambushes, being pilloried, all with patient saintly smile. By narcissistic adults who acted like spoiled brats. I was expected to nurture like some kind of mother goddess when I was just a child. My siblings used and abused their elders and I cleaned up after them. I did their work for them.
Careers and hobbies were separate and unequal
Even the jobs we were pushed into were the menial chore type that boys considered beneath them. We were the assistants, secretaries, nurses, waitresses, babysitters. We carried the mental load so they could hang out and drink beer. They grilled the burgers while we prepared, served, organized and cleaned up everything else. And kept the children occupied too. Men still do the easy once a week yard work while we carry all the daily. Boys made models, we did simulated chores and played baby dolls.
Not exaggerating but wish I was
I wish this was just me being oversensitive, like my dad said I was. Truth is, life for me and many girls I knew, was all this and worse. I knew of several girls who purposely got pregnant just to get out of the house and have their own baby to take care of instead of having to take care of everyone else's. We should have been the ones BEING taken care of as kids. Instead our childhood's were hijacked. We were coerced into adult roles before we even got our periods.
Thank you to the men who get it
I am not saying boys didn't have their own struggles. I know, I'm a mom of sons. But when I was young, it was very out of balance. And I so appreciate Jerry Wise getting articulating this. My husband and sons get it too. But sadly, all too often you hear from proponents of a certain political party in red hats that we're just "playing the woman card." Or that we're crybullies. That feminism is some kind of disease. There wouldn't be feminists if we'd been treated fairly. And buddy, you have clue about how unfair it was. You were the one screwing around throwing spitballs in class while I was trying to stay awake and pay attention. You were the one watching cartoons while I did the housework. You were the one heckling me for being "straight-laced." You had no idea what my life was like. So don't play that Trump card with me.
And the worst part was that it was all just normal and expected. It took me till 61 to see that it was abuse.
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