Narcissistic parent's identity theft dogs the scapegoat in adulthood

Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at how enmeshed narcissistic parents' identity theft of the scapegoat and dogs us in adulthood.

Note to Readers: This post discusses the heavy, often painful experience of recovering from childhood narcissistic abuse. Please prioritize your own well-being while reading.

Enmeshed narcissistic parents

Let's begin by exposing the perpetrator parents. They parasitically enmesh themselves in their children's lives like tics or tapeworms. They ride herd over natural boundaries and intrude themselves and their toxic agenda where they do not belong. Healthy parents feed their children. Parasitic parents feed off the child's energy to power themselves. They suck the child's self for narcissistic supply.  They do this in a number of ways. 

Child roles in dysfunctional families

Enmeshed narcissistic parents rob children of their true selves and implant false identities based on the parents' own selfish goals.  It sounds like a conspiracy theory because it is a conspiracy to destabilize children and render them pliable. It bears no resemblance to healthy parenting. The children are "cast" as in a play, in archetypal roles. I've included a unique combination child role I was forced into at the end. 

• Golden child (can do no wrong, favored, family Messiah )
• Glass child (unseen, unheard, invisible, inconvenient)
• Enabler child (cheerleader, helper, liar in that she supports her parents' narcissistic fantasy)
• Mascot child (the buffoon or schlemiel, who cheers everyone else up and draws fire away from parents and other children by playing the clown.)
• Scapegoat child (the source of everyone's problems, the sacrificial victim, the one who get the blame for parents and  other kids' behaviors). 

• The "Broken Vending Machine" Child

  "My term for the role I was coerced
  into..."

  This is the archetype of the child who is expected to be whoever they are told to be at any given moment. It is the "one-man-band"—the child who carries the mental load, gives endlessly of themselves, and receives nothing in return but disappointment. It is a state of constant, exhausting performance where your own needs are perpetually subsumed by the demands of others.

  
  

Gaslighting, parentification, role reversal and reversed again

Using gaslighting mind games, the narcissistic parent creates an artificial reality in which the child is the parent responsible for the whiny brat parent. The parentified child must nurture, comfort, support, humor and tend to the demanding parent. That's where the roles come in. Because narcissistic parents need more than one slave. They demand an entourage of slaves to pull their barge. They aren't content to just reverse roles. They re-reverse and claim the authoritarian role when convenient. The operative phrase is "enmeshment." They do not think of their children as separate beings. Children are tools, extensions of self, possessions, puppets in their main character syndrome melodrama. 

Dehumanization

Our suffering goes beyond mere invalidation. We have been dehumanized. Enmeshed narcissistic parents deny us basic human rights. It's like they remove our humanity or "genetically modify" us. Our trauma brains feel "identity-reassigned." Our mental and emotional "DNA" is all kinds of FUBARed by their brain-damaging. I can't speak enough about how destabilizing, debilitating, destructive and damned messed up this all is.  All the parent-assigned child roles are. Children are not actors in some narcissistic parent fantasy play. We aren't slaves of the parent state. We aren't minions or drones. And yet, we are, in that we have been reduced to a person-less state of mind that dogs us throughout our lifeless lives. 

Dogged by fog of Fear, obligation and guilt

Having had our humanity genetically modified, we children of narcissists are broken. Especially the scapegoats. Because I carried the mental load for adults and parents, as a child, I now emotionally "carry" my husband, children, their spouses, my grandchildren, everyone, like I carried my parents, their spouses and their children. I don't sleep well at all because I dream so many oppressive dreams of inappropriate responsibility. 

On Call 24/7/365 

I don't give myself permission to "let go" of them so I can rest. I feel and have felt "on call" all of my life. I'm too tired to even consider personal pursuits. And I feel guilty if I do. I feel the need to silence my interests if it bothers other people. I don't speak of interests if it offends, annoys  or threatens anyone. My only "hobby" if you will is finding a way through this "fog" of fear obligation and guilt. It's the only one I dare to pursue and only when it doesn't interfere with anyone else's demands. And I'm damned sure to keep that one close to my chest. 

What was stolen, pirated or weaponized by enmeshed, narcissistic parents

• identity
• self
• needs
• wants 
• ideas
• successes
• failures
• ambitions
• emotions
• peace of mind
• privacy
• belonging
• clear thinking
• adequacy
• dignity
• basic rights
• basic care
• childhood
• history
• story
• adolescence
• life
• ability to cope
• self-esteem
• confidence
• ability to know right from wrong
• joy

Task list for childhood trauma survivors

Do you identify as having had your "self" stolen by enmeshed narcissistic parents? Then I have a task list for you. 

Take back command of your ship

To make the identity pirate parents "walk the plank," focus on these steps:

• Internalize the Truth: Know that it was all gaslighting. No one owns another person.
• Release Guilt: You did not volunteer for this. You were a child.
• Re-reverse Roles: Acknowledge they were the parents; you were the child.
• Reverse DARVO: Recognize that you were the victim, never the offender.
• Mothball the Role: Set the "scapegoat" role aside. Preserve it as history, but do not live in it.

I'll have more ideas on this but it's enough to be going on with.