Healing childhood trauma by giving narcissistic rage back to its owner (or not taking it the first place)

 Hello my friends. Last night while delivering groceries I had an aha moment on healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse. I realized that I had been accepting narcissistic rage and all rage, really, as belonging to me. Healing comes from returning rage back to its rightful owner or, better still, not accepting it in the first place. 

Narcissistic rage vs. normal rage

Narcissistic Rage goes from noun to very active verb.

I know that sounds like bad poison vs. good, LOL. And it kind of is and isn't. No rage is healthy. It stems from unresolved trauma, a silenced voice and trapped emotions. The difference lies in two things: 

• Where the rage originates. Narcissistic rage starts with a narcissistic injury. As the term implies, it's rage felt by a person with narcissistic tendencies--arrogance, attention-seeking, jealousy, manipulation, entitlement and remorselessness--or full-blown NPD. But don't be confused by the term "injury." This is a perceived slight, insult or threat, a blow to their puffed up ego. It makes them feel vulnerable and they hate that. Usually it's a random, normal thing the narcissist personalizes and exaggerates. 
• How rage is expressed. Normal people experience insult, get annoyed, maybe chew on it a bit or confront and move on. Narcissists go H-bomb. They explode, tantrum, pout, stew and plot revenge. Whether passive-aggressive or aggressive, it's no less venomous.  Often nothing actually happened. But their pride convinces them they've been wronged. And they always blame and punish someone other than themselves. 

  "Regular rage goes inward. Narcissistic rage takes hostages."

The narcissistic DARVO game

When a narcissist feels "injured" their immediate response is control the narrative with DARVO (aka blame-shifting). DARVO means Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. And the narcissist plays it masterfully. He demands good things that aren't his (credit, respect, affirmation) and denies ownership of bad things that he IS responsible for. Like his vicious rage. That he deflects onto his victim by reversing victim-offender roles. He skews reality so that the actual victim feels responsible and takes ownership of what is his. And then, the way the narcissist's rage plays out, seems to confirm him right. Normal rage rights itself with frank discussion, apology and resolution. While narcissistic rage shatters everything it touches.  

"Narcissistic rage keeps the blame nozzle steadily pointed outward. So all the acid sprays out and away from the narcissist."

The narcissistic rage cycle

Narcissistic rage is so different from healthy anger that I think it deserves its own entity. And since the origins and expression are so different, the cycle is too. Normal anger gets processed in safe ways. That's what I meant by righting itself. Even those of us with unhealthy unresolved trauma "rage" tend to hurt ourselves more than others. Either we don't recognize it or blame ourselves for feeling angry. Because we can't express it, it toxifies and corrodes us. It's like a silent storm in a teacup with all the emotions bottled up. Narcissistic rage spews toxins on everyone else while the narcissist stays bulletproof in his asbestos suit of wounded self-righteous superiority. He gets all the perks:  adrenaline rush, narcissistic supply hit, spleens vented, calm in his assured dominance. And leaves us, the target in flames. And then they tell us to quit being so dramatic (!)

Narcissists weaponize childhood trauma

Those of us who have been targets or scapegoats of narcissists, particularly children of narcissistic parents, know this cycle. We know the part we've been cast in all too well. And the narcissist KNOWS we know it and weaponizes our childhood trauma responses against us. We continue as victims (targets, scapegoats) with new perpetrators. When the narcissist blame-shifts, we shift. When he places ownership for his anger on us, we accept  it. 

How anger changes hands

"Narcissists drop off their anger at your feet like a "hot potato", then sit back and wait for you to claim it."

I had such clear vision of this anger transference, while driving, that I actually yelled "Eureka!" You know how when someone is clearly furious and instead of just admitting it, they stand there all sullen and fuming? Then when you ask what's wrong, they blast out with something YOU did as if that explains and justifies everything. Or maybe they just immediately launch into their diatribe. What they are saying is "I'm not angry AND you are at fault." I know, it's a paradox. It goes beyond blaming to projecting it ALL onto you. What you both don't realize is that it's ALL theirs, not yours. 

The Lawn Chair Lesson

Here's an example of anger transference that happened to me in a parking lot. And it shows how ludicrous it is. I was walking out of the store. A woman was waving her arms and shouting. I didn't know who at or what about. I thought maybe she needed help so I said "I'm sorry, what did you say?' She literally screamed, no screeched "WHERE ARE THE G-D (something or other)???" As if she'd asked me a dozen times and I'd ignored her. No, scratch that. There would never be a reason for that much vitriol. 

I said, "sorry, still didn't hear you." That was my first mistake, giving airspace to anger. And she yelled "just FORGET it!" Second mistake. Should have said "okay." But the old fawn trauma response kicked in and I said "wait, what did you need?" "GARDEN CHAIRS LIKE I SAID 10 TIMES!"  I said, "oh, not sure, I don't work here." To which she snapped "BUT YOU SHOP HERE!!" As if this was some kind of gotcha. So she didn't know where stuff was but knew I did? I just said, "whatever." and walked on. She kept haranguing me. I just shrugged and said "I tried to help you but now I'm done." And left her still raging. She may still be raging for all I know. It was not about the lawn chairs. It was about dysregulated, entitled, arrogant, narcissistic rage that she wanted me to accept responsibility for because I had the childhood trauma response to make eye contact. 

Finally, the Aha

What I saw clearly in last night's epiphany was that I have always, unquestioningly, taken ownership of someone else's anger, if they told me to. I fell for their gaslighting. I picked up their hot potato when I didn't have to. I also saw that when I'm targeted by narcissistic rage spray, it's almost never has anything to do with me. I just happened to cross their path. I was convenient. Now this is pretty revolutionary for us trauma survivors. We have been conditioned to play cat's paw, grabbing that hot potato they threw us. It feels weird not to trauma respond. But hang on because I'm going to share some ways to prevent our poor little paws getting burnt.  

Redirecting the nozzle

So I'm learning how to do just that. Instead of taking possession, of what is clearly not my problem, I can 

• just let the potato sit there where the narcissist dropped it
• turn the nozzle back on the owner of the rage by refusing to accept it
• avoid narcissistic rage spray trajectory
• shrug my shoulders when accused
• say "You might be right. I'll have to think about it." Then forget it. 
• say "I don't care." 
• say "not my problem." 
• avoid JADE (justifying, answering/arguing, defending or explaining)
• observe, not absorb

Some of these will sound rude to normal people. The narcissist may call you rude. But remember, the narcissist also does these things himself all the time. Which may make you feel like you're just "stooping to their level." Eh, hot potato, hot pahtahta. (😉😆) And regardless, they are crucial behaviors to replace dangerous trauma responses.