Can narcissists change? Why that's the wrong question to ask

 Hello friends! Today on my path toward healing childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm responding to a video by YouTube psychologist and narcissism expert, Dr. Ramani. She's always spot-on but this particular conversation was particularly so. She addressed criticism she received for "failing to admit" that narcissists can change. Which as anyone who has lived with narcissistic abuse knows is a moot point. They don't and won't change. And even in the remote unlikelihood that they do, we're asking the wrong questions and focusing on the wrong end of things. 

Some Reasons narcissists won't and don't change 

• There is no incentive. It's working too well for them the way things are. 
• They are entrenched and comfortable. 
• Narcissism is self-fulfilling and its own reward. 
• Narcissists are remorseless. So they will not be sorry.
• Narcissists can't change because they're in too deep and it controls them. Tail wags dog. 
• They lie. (they will say they have when they haven't)
• Narcissists manipulate. (they will manipulate change)
• Narcissists are attention seeking. ("changing" will get attention)
• Narcissists seek narcissistic supply. And changing to a nicer person won't get that.
• Narcissists are arrogant. They don't think they need to change. 
• Narcissists suck up all the oxygen like a tornado. They fuel themselves. And they get to the point where they can't stop. 
  
  
  
  
  

And beyond these facts, we must factor in the cost of any change to the victim. 

What victims of narcissistic abuse should consider about any reformation

• It doesn't change the damage they've done.
• Any change will still be all about them. The fact that we're having this conversation proves it. 
• Any "change" will be conditional (so not change).
• They will still call the shots.(They will dictate how and what they change)
• There will be obligations placed on you. (reconciliation, forgiveness, keep trying, remain stuck)
• You'll still be expected to respond in scripted ways. 
• It will be performative (fake)
• It will be done for narcissistic supply because they are addicts and their whole lives have been about supply. 
• It may be leveraged by therapist or clergy to show off their "trophy client." 
• It will make things worse for you (now they're the "brave" survivor narcissist).
• They'll be praised and you'll still be shamed. (Look at all the "change"  he 's made. How can you still be angry?)
  
• It will become influencer currency. He will wear change like a badge of courage. 
• It will be fake, wolf in sheep's clothing. 
  
  
  

Things narcissists will say that prove their change is fake or agenda-based. 

You will notice in these things they say how they spin themselves as the good guy and you as the bad, as it always has been. I've included things to say or questions to ask in return. I favor asking a return question like Socrates did. 

Socratic Dialog Method

Definition: When confronted with undermining questions or accusations, answer questions with a question. Turn the microscope back on them.

• I need to tell you (whatever revelation they've had) They won't care how it makes you feel or if you even want to hear it. They just said the operative phrase: "I need to." It's about them, not you. (Well, I don't want or need to hear it).
• You need to listen to my side. ( That's all I've ever heard and that's the problem.)
• I don't care if you don't want to hear my side.  (And still you ask why I'm keeping you at arm's length?).
• You won't believe me. (You don't read my mind. You're just trying to put me on the defensive and I'm not going to allow you to. But for argument, if I didn't believe you, why is that?)
• You never take my part. (In what? In supporting your abuse of me? Hmm, no I don't.) 
• I'm ready to make peace. (Goody gumdrops for you. I'm not. I may be never be. Don't call us, we'll call you.)
• How can I make peace if you won't let me? (Why should I? How is making peace my responsibility? Explain to me how I am "preventing" you from "making peace." How do you define peace?)
• How can I prove to you that I've changed? (with actions not words)
• You said this is what you wanted. (did I? I don't recall it that way).
• You need to (fill in the blank) (Run, don't walk, away from this one. There is nothing I need to do in response to your abuse or your supposed change.)
• I've changed (yay me)  (So? Prove it. But don't expect me to wait around for you to do so.)
• You have to let me explain, listen to me, hear me out. (No I don't.)
• You owe me a chance to prove I've changed. (you lost me at  "you owe me." No I don't. I owe myself a better life.) 

It's time to focus on the victim, not the perpetrator

The narcissist has no power to dictate terms but they sure gaslight you into thinking they do. But when you start seeing the gaslighting for what it is, you realize a few things. Even if the narcissist, by some miracle, manages to not be a jerk for once. Even if they turn over a new leaf and start being their shiny new selves, and? Who cares? They'll have to find some other sucker to con. Because it won't be me. I've wasted enough of my life trying to fill their black hole selves. Now I'm living MY best new life free out of their clutches. 

• It's about me now, not them. 
• I've changed and moved out of their path of destruction.
• I owe them nothing. 

And I've started asking the correct questions. Instead of wasting time idly speculating whether they can change, here are more productive questions. 

To people who insist change is possible, ask  

• Why is it so important to prove that change is possible?
• What do you get  out of it?
• What are you trying to prove?
• Why are you shilling  for the narcissist? 
• Why do you care?
• Have you  or are you being hurt by narcissistic abuse?
• Where were you when I was being hurt by them?
• Why are you victim shaming and perpetrator supporting?
  

 Of the "reformed" narcissist I ask myself

• Why did it take them so long to "get it?" 
• What do they expect of me in return?
• How do I define the problem? 
• Why am I letting them minimize abuse into a disagreement between us?

Change roles for a clearer view

Imagine yourself as the narcissist and the narcissist as yourself, the victim. If I had been narcissistically abusing someone, and I finally woke up to that fact, I would be so ashamed. But I would also so humbled that I would not dare address them for fear of doing more harm. I would make it about them. I would ask and say

• What do you need? (space, a life away from me)
• Is there anything I can do to help you?
• You had no part in this. It was me and I'm sorry. 
• I want what's best for you. 
• I will prove I've changed and here's how. And then I would proceed to do just that. Every single hour of every day that I was lucky enough to still have them in my life. And if they left, I'd still actively change. 

But pigs will fly before the narcissist does that. He would have to stop being a narcissist to actually change—and by then, you’ll be far too busy enjoying your freedom to notice.