Hello my friends. In my path to heal childhood trauma from narcissistic parent abuse I'm going to explore creepy, destabilizing narcissistic parent abuse we don't discuss enough. I so appreciate the YouTube vloggers like Jerry Wise, Dr. Ramani, Patrick Teahan and Danish Bashir who aren't afraid to call this abuse what it is.
Parent enmeshment
- possessive
- sees the child as extension of herself, like an arm
- adopts awkward, fake childish personas, says she's
- one of the gang
- more like sister than parent
- "just a big kid"
- thinks child should include her in everything
- humiliates child (my mom told everyone when I began growing pubic hair)
- bitterly jealous of anyone else
- clingy, needy, emotional vampire
- attention-seeking, pity party thrower
- uses child as therapist, partner
- drama mama
- has few friends
Controlling, Haughty and Intrusiveness
- sees child as property
- thinks he has proprietary rights over child
- thinks she has buy in or veto power
- butts into private conversations
- bossy
- boundary crashing (my dad used to come right into the bathroom when I was using it)
- controls things she has no right to (think Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar)
- gives unsolicited advice
- thinks she knows everything
- feels entitled to a say on things that aren't her business
- expects to be consulted
- hijacks autonomy
Infantilizes, parentifies and spousifies
- overprotective in public, neglectful in private
- hovers, keeps too close tabs on child
- leverages normal things like basic care to guilt child
- treats child more like partner than partner
- gaslights child that he's too feeble to think for himself
- won't let child do things other kids do
- says it's for his own good when its for hers
- has inappropriate age relationships
- flirts with child, wants to "cuddle" teen
- exclusive with (golden) or excludes(scapegoat)
Underhanded and devious
- snoops, is nosy
- goes through child's possessions ( I caught my mother rifling through my purse).
- finds reasons to enter child's room without permission
- eavesdrops
- interrogates
- monitors phone
- puts tracker on kids
- trespasses on privacy (my mother barged into my husband's and my bedroom one morning)
- neurotic and paranoid
- often steals from child
- lies to and about child
Generally weird behavior of narcissist parents
- whispers, talks behind hand to child in front of others
- makes child keep secrets
- tells child's secrets
- makes holy day obligation about her birthday
- pouts and sulks
- gossips, starts and spreads rumors
- loudly interrupts in gatherings
- embarrasses child at special events for attention
- calls attention to herself in odd ways
- talks about private parts
- has inordinate obsession with being "mother" as if she's the only one
- dominates at gatherings
- must be soothed, humored and also admired
Expanded examples of creepy behavior
The "Shadow" Presence: They follow the child around the room, standing just a bit too close, effectively preventing any private or independent conversation with other guests.
The "Upstaging Reset": If the attention shifts to someone else’s achievement, they suddenly have a physical ailment or a "crisis" that requires everyone to stop and tend to them. They start a fight or cry loudly.
The "Revival preacher" move: My mother is known for shouting "AMEN!" or "HALLELUJAH" at sedate church gatherings, family events and even funerals! While she frames it as religious fervor, it’s a calculated disruption that makes her appear "holier" than everyone else while centering the room's attention on her.
Inappropriate "Over-Sharing": They bring up deeply personal or embarrassing childhood stories as a way to "re-infantilize" you in front of your peers or spouse. She says "it's okay, I'm your mother." (it's not).
The Seductive attention grab: My mom describes her inappropriate intimate details and genital ailments at every family gathering, especially to men. It serves to anger her husband, embarrass her son-in-law and grandkids and make me feel foolish. This is triangulation (pitting people against each other) and emotional grooming, weaponizing private things for shock value, so everyone's kept off balance.
The "Micro-Manager" Guest: Even if it’s not their home, they start directing traffic, telling people where to sit, or critiquing the host’s food to establish themselves as the "authority" in the room. My mother-in-law would make rude comments about my cooking, my weight or my hair. She would make her son "choose" between desserts I'd made and she'd made to prove his loyalty.
- The "Costume Clown Control": My mother wears what are obviously nightgowns in public, to her great-granddaughter's baptism, to church and extended family events. Other narcissistic parents have worn wedding dresses to their kids' weddings. This gets narcissistic supply in several ways.
The "Main Character" Syndrome: By wearing a nightgown, she ensures that the conversation focuses on her not the event or the child. If she can't be the hottest, she'll be the most pathetic.
Weaponized Incompetence: If called out, she can crybully and play the "vulnerable" card or act like she’s being bullied for her style, when in reality, it’s passive-aggressive and calculated move to keep everyone on edge.
Social Sabotage: It creates a sense of "second-hand embarrassment" for the family, who is made to feel somehow responsible, which is a powerful way for a narcissist to maintain control over you.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula Patrick Teahan, LICSW Jerry Wise Relationship Systems Danish Bashir
Note: This post is based on personal experience and research into narcissistic dynamics. I am a writer and educator, not a licensed therapist. If you are in a crisis or need professional guidance, please reach out to a mental health professional.
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