Hello my friends. I'm supposed to be working at my day job but instead I'm doing something different and taking a mental health break. I'm hot, tired and sick of shopping groceries for people. And a big part of that is not from the work itself. It's from the exhausting amount of energy it takes to work on my CPTSD recovery from narcissistic parent abuse. It makes me sleep poorly and trauma dream. Trying to juggle family, a job, relationships, a home plus recovery work is a Herculean task. And I can't do them all at once. So, just for now, I'm opting to work on recovery by sharing how healing CPTSD from narcissistic dark tetrad parent abuse begins by accepting one thing. Or should I say by accepting collection of interrelated concepts about dark tetrads in general and narcissistic dark tetrad parents in particular.
And that one thing is fairly simple in nature but oh so complicated to consider. What we who were raised by narcissists must accept is that we will
NEVER win with them
ALWAYS lose in interactions with them
NEVER be loved by them
ALWAYS be enmeshed by them and expected to be for them what they refuse themselves
NEVER be the child like we should be
ALWAYS be expected to parent them, perfectly.
NEVER be cared for by them but
ALWAYS expected to care for them
NEVER treated with respect or devotion
ALWAYS punished for anything but automaton-like respect and unswerving devotion
NEVER be right, correct or good enough to please them
ALWAYS expected to accept whatever crazy, immoral, unethical, dangerous, selfish, exploitative thing they do
NEVER praised, treasured, cherished, celebrated
ALWAYS kicked to the curb, betrayed, exploited, manipulated and gaslit
NEVER laughed with
ALWAYS laughed at, scoffed at, scolded
NEVER right
ALWAYS wrong
NEVER affirmed or supported
ALWAYS blamed and pinned with other people's shame like a paper donkey at a birthday party.
And because of all that there ain't gonna be no reconciliation. No sir. Because it really is that extreme, Double standards, chaos, confusion, double dealing, gaslighting, deception, trickery, Machiavellian political intrigue, backstabbing, set-ups, ambushes, public character assassinations, humiliations, torture, triangulations, setting up camps, smear campaigns, all the norm for a child of dark tetrads. It was SO consistent in my life that THIS is why I never understood it till I had lived six decades. But wait, there's more.
We were groomed from childhood to attend them, to pay into their morally bankrupt account from which we could never collect. We were battered, barmy and broken. I do not remember any truly happy times in childhood or at least any that didn't very quickly come back to bite me. AND SO now, I have to accept that 'twas ever thus and that 'twill always be thus. Forgiveness is just accepting that the past will never be any different than it was AND healing is accepting that it never will be any different. Even if there were some kind of realization on the part of the dark tetrads that they were wrong (and believe me there never will be), it won't matter. Too much water has gone under the bridge. Too many hurts.
Now, having said that, it's important to pay attention to this next part. If you take your stand and die on this hill, if you refuse to allow any reconciliation, know that you WILL very likely be attacked, gaslit, scolded, bullied and browbeat for it, by them, friends, family, society, the church, even therapists. Gasp! They'll cry, wringing their hands. Cut ties? Go no contact? But they're family. (No they're not. They're power mad maniacs) We have this weird, delusional fetish about "forgiveness" and mending relationships, which in normal ones may be good. But with dark tetrads reconciliation isn't just impossible, it's deadly.
And um, raising hand here, question? Where were you flying monkeys when all the shit the dark tetrads put me through was going on? Hmmm? Where was all your smarmy-ass self-righteous platitudes when I was going through hell alone? Playing alone downtown at the docks. Left with strangers. Crying my eyes out and no one knew or cared. No one was there. No one. Not even God going by how it felt to me. So now you're going to tell me I have to, what, make peace with them? Why would I do that? For my own peace of mind? Friend, if you think my peace of mind relies on them, you crazy. Peace means getting them out!!
And about this sparkly reconciliation of which you speak, consider this. If they've been exploiting all my life, why would they not exploit a reconciliation? I don't like this phrase but I'm going to use it. Been there, done, was burned by and have the scars to prove it. I have allowed the four people who called themselves my parents and their children to guilt me repeatedly for taking care of myself. Not even standing up to them. Just not being taken in by them. Let's just let that stew a bit. HURT me for taking care of myself. Hell, they've punished me for taking care of them! Perfectly, obediently, humbly. You couldn't ask for a better slave than me. But all it got me was more abuse.
So you call a truce or you let them call one. Which of course it isn't a ceasefire because it isn't a conflict. Aggressions are all one-sided. They just call it that because they like the sound of that better than the unprovoked attacks on you they really are. Because this means you are part of the problem, that it's a fair fight. And damned if I didn't fall for it. Looking back I did all the apologizing for shit I NEVER DID and they neither admitted to or apologized for anything. They just graciously allowed me back into their abusive clutches. Because truth is, they were missing all the good they got non gratis from me. But they had to extract the maximum pain and humiliation from me for the privilege (arrogant, manipulative, sadistic psychopaths that they are).
So what should you do? Get out and stay out. Ignore the harpies. Run don't walk as far as you can get. There is no damn winning for losing with these people. They do not reconcile. They don't collaborate or cooperate. They trespass. The more you back down the more they step on you. The more you try to make peace the more aggressive and entitled they become. The more of you that you concede the more encroaching they become.
It's pathetic, sad and hurts like a bitch but a fact none the less. The best thing I ever did in this respect was to give up the idea that I had a family and accept that I was beaten senseless by cruel, evil, ruthless, remorseless, muthafukkas who thought as much of me as they did dogie doodoo on their shoes. That sounds harsh and I may amend it someday but right now it stands. Selah.
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