Healing CPTSD by doing uncomfortable things that should be comfortable

Hi friends. I'm writing a lot today, on a day when I'm normally working. And that feels weird because work is familiar and not working is uncomfortable. All the shame monkeys are screaming at me to get up off my dead butt and get busy. Which might be a warning that this is exactly what I should not be doing. I think that healing CPTSD might be about doing uncomfortable things and seeing what's wrong with that. I mean seeing what is broken in me that makes me feel uncomfortable doing things that should be comfortable. 

I told my husband that I decided not to work and he asked how that felt. And I said terrible! I had to keep talking myself into laying around. He laughed saying that most people had to talk themselves into working! Ah such is the nature of childhood trauma. We go around in a fog of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). We strive endlessly to please demanding and unpleasable people so the idea of  not striving is scary and dangerous. 

I am so used to getting my sense of worth from accomplishment. Or rather, let me rephrase. Not sense of worth. I have little to none of that. Just a little less self-hatred. I have this constant sinking feeling that I'm letting people down. Failing. Dropping the ball. No matter what I do. Which of course is a contradiction. You can't be damned if you do an don't. But we who lived in childhood trauma could. Our dark tetrad parents made sure we knew we were failures. 

But that illogical logic is the failure. What they selfishly thought is that if we were kept short of praise and long on fear, obligation and guilt, we'd keep trying. And we did until we didn't. Sooner or later, we gave up. Oh don't get me wrong, we didn't give up obeying them but we gave up on ourselves. We committed the mortal sin of despair because we were pushed to it. It's the ultimate and ongoing existential crisis

But I guess even that is a win for dark tetrads. They get to work you to death and then punish and shame you for quietly dying inside. They gaslight you that, "see, you are the problem. We're not expecting too much of you. You're just oversensitive, lazy, selfish and disobedient. Look you're even sinning against God by giving in to the devil." Which just goes to show how really nasty they are. Anyone who would exult in the misery they caused someone, who would put a millstone around their necks and push them in the deep end, is not a safe person to be around. 

But you can't tell them that. You just have to show them by cutting contact. You have to prevent them putting more fear, obligation and guilt on you. However, that doesn't do anything to get all their old fog messages out of you. Ergo the struggle to just take one darn day off without feeling ashamed and useless.