Hello my friends. Today on the journey to heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse, let's look at how narcissists nark on themselves when they criticize you. Especially narcissistic parents, who scapegoat their child for their wrong actions. They invent all kinds of head trippy nonsense called "word salad" to gaslight and befuddle her. They do not deal in truth or facts but in distortions, hypocritical double standards, manipulated reality and self-serving, others-harming deceit. So we need to clarify what they are actually saying and why, so that we can get to healthier places. I'm going to present these as dichotomies.
1) Exaggerations and downplaying. They exaggerate and highlight other people's faults (or what they want people to believe are faults which are actually often appropriate behavior) while dismissing their own wrongs. This is particularly difficult for children who grow up thinking that everything they do is wrong while mommy and daddy are perfect, even when the parents' behavior is incredibly hurtful. My dad and I got my mom a necklace for her birthday. Instead of being grateful she snipped "well, where are the rest of my gifts?" I was crushed and cried. And she got mad at me. Another time she threw a pie in my face and got mad at me because no one laughed. And they out themselves as narcissists with this slippery game of verbal Chutes and Ladders.
2) Stingy with praise, generous with criticism. Even when a narcissist does pay a compliment, it's back-handed and designed to shame rather than make the person feel good. In fact that's why they fake compliment, to make it look like they are kind and to also get digs in. Win win. But when they criticize (attack) it's big and loud. They make sure as many people as possible hear so as to maximize the humiliation. They do this to make themselves look better. But normal people don't see them as good people because they shame others. So they're constantly chasing their tails because they don't get the payoff of feeling good at other's expense. But they don't stop trying and just stupidly band their heads against the wall. They're telling on themselves that they are the ones who need to hear more critiques of their actions
3) Constructive criticism vs. insults. Dark tetrad parents will hound a kid to despair with nit-picking and call it constructive. But when anyone questions them no matter how benignly, why then it's all out warfare. My dad would insult, mock, attack, humiliate, rage at me publicly and then say I couldn't take criticism. Even though I said nothing in rebuttal. If I cried I was too sensitive. I stopped crying. But then he would dump on me about how gram and grampa were "too critical" of him. (actually they weren't critical enough). Oh, and he'd say I was too critical of him too. I don't remember doing anything but being supportive.
4) Frenemy, guidance counselor, sex therapist, prop and whipping girl, never child, It was very crazy-making when my would attack me then expect me to feel sorry for him. My mother did the same thing. She'd slap my face or wash my mouth with soap for things she said I said but I don't remember saying. She says she quit hitting me because I hit her back when I raised my arm to defend myself. Then she would dump all her woes on me saying we were more like sisters than mother and daughter. Then she'd tell me her sex stories and then get mad when I didn't want to hear them. subject me to her and her boyfriends' make out sessions.
These flip-flopping roles didn't frustrate me as much as they should have. I just let them play parent or child when they wanted to. Being very empathetic, I felt honored that they chose me to confide in. Which is what they expected. What narcissists are outing is their two-faced, all about me nature. They are the main character in their little cult drama and you must give them what they want and what they want flip flops all over the place. And you're supposed to read minds and just know and careen down their choppy, twisty river with them.
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