Weird things CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse makes me think, feel and do

 Hi friends. Working on healing CPTSD from narcissistic dark tetrad parent abuse here. Lately I've been having a lot of aha moments as I source weird things CPTSD makes me think, feel and do. I'm starting to notice red flags instead of just plowing heedlessly past them. I'm learning to read my triggers better. And I'm seeing connections between those and the abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, scapegoating, invalidation, manipulating and gaslighting I experience from four dark tetrad parents. I'm also seeing that the majority of all I think, say, feel and do is coping mechanism rather than chosen response. 

CPTSD makes me anxious all the time. Day and night. Constant stress and chaos from my narcissistic parents and their new spouses flooded me with cortisol and adrenaline at the wrong times. It left me wiped out and unable to function. It ruined my ability to rest or sleep without trauma nightmares. I have panic attacks in my sleep and wake up struggling to breathe.  Now the threat is gone but only because I cut contact. But the aftershocks remain. 

One of those is a strange, pervasive terror that simple things will go wrong. Simple things like putting gas in the car or backing out of a parking space frighten me. I triple check everything. I'm so afraid I'll do something wrong and hurt someone. Every time something doesn't go wrong I feel as if I lucked out and it had nothing to do with me successfully doing something. 

I'm so nervous that I hold my breath, clench my teeth, bite the side of my mouth, chew my lips raw. I make odd fearful grimaces and fawn smile a lot. I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone. I over explain and apologize. I ask if I make sense. I say things I don't even mean just to reassure or placate. I laugh at dumb jokes because I'm expected to. 

I don't fully inhabit spaces. I don't put my feet firmly on the floor or sit fully on chairs. I don't dare lean on anything. I try to kind of hover above and stay as small and low as possible. I think this is because I have to be poised for action if someone demands something.  I have felt in the way like an obstacle or nuisance, a lot. Narcissistic parents told me I should be seen and not heard, as an adult. I've been told not to "interrupt" adult conversations when I joined in. Funny my grandparents never felt I was interrupting. They encouraged me to participate. But it was the narcissists' shaming that stuck in my head.

I still feel like an immature child a lot of the time. I don't stand up for myself very well. Sometimes I panic and react, saying things I don't mean. I'm lashing out at the voices in my  head.