Hi friends. I've been thinking a lot about what's wrong with the notion of obligation, especially what's wrong about this obligation we've been told that we have to parents. Or that our kids have to us. So as you know, I'm frequently the dissident voice. And I'm going to clarify how the idea of obligation has led so many of us to so much unmerited shame and pain. My goal is to clear away the gaslighting fog of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). And warning, this may be very triggering.
I'll just start as I mean to continue by saying flat out that we don't owe anyone anything unless it is a contractual agreement we freely agreed to. I owe my employer my labor because I agreed to do the job AND he also owes me payment and agreed upon in the terms of employment. I owe my husband love, support and fidelity because I agreed to in in a marriage contract. And he owes me. I owe payment for items I've purchased. And the seller owes me the items in the condition agreed upon. I owe my children love, care and support because I brought them into the world. They owe me nothing because they didn't sign up for anything. They had no part in the decision of their birth. Period.
Now, the problem comes in for children of narcissistic dark tetrad parents who get this completely backwards. They flip the script so that the child is made to feel obligated to provide them whatever they demand WHILE they don't provide the child what is actually owed to her. They play this weird game of double dealing, lying to and deceiving the kid into thinking she endlessly owes them and they owe her nothing. They go about with their begging bowls fully expecting goodies to be dropped in them. They shamelessly steal and cheat her.
They shame and guilt her with nonsense about all the loyalty, physical and financial support, endless help to do things they are perfectly capable of and should be doing themselves. They demand hours or exhausting service, endless time patiently listening to their tirades, back breaking labor doing for them. They terrify her with all sorts of threats if she fails to provide. They couldn't think of enough duties, expectation and burdens to saddle me with. And YET they have provided NONE of this for her. It's so bassackwards it makes me sick. And nervous, fearful, depressed, anxious and suicidal.
Nothing is ever enough. Nothing is ever good enough. All they think about is what they deserve (which based on what they gave me is nothing but bills for all I did for them).They will publicly shame her for not spending enough on their precious babies while they give her nothing for her birthday. They come around for the free meal and then leave at cleaning up time. There's just not enough in the universe for them. They are always angry, resentful, bitter, covetous and greedy. And so as a tiny child, the little girl feels unspeakable guilt at not being able to please. And all that putrefies into sickening shame. And self-anger if that's a thing. I have hit and bitten myself in sheer frustration. I have bashed myself in the head trying to get the hurt and voices and ugliness out.
But I have some good news too. I finally get it ( if I don't yet fully feel it). I OWE THEM NOTHING. I NEVER DID. My kids owe me nothing and I owe my parents nothing. Let me sing that refrain again. The problem isn't me. It's the fault of the selfish, self-indulgent, self-centered, narcissistic, arrogant, entitled, bullying, irresponsible, neglectful, abusive, manipulative, lazy, scapegoating, vindictive people I was born to. They messed my head up with all this nonsense. They broke me.
But oh frabjuous day, not completely. Because I get it with my own family. I know how to treat them. I love them. I expect nothing of them and because of that and because they are just generally great people, they love me. Not because I demand it but because I loved them first. They don't love me out of fear, obligation or guilt. They don't love me out of some misguided sense of loyalty or because it's the "right" thing to do. They love me because they know I love them.
I've always pondered that line in "The Wizard of Oz" in which Oz tells the Tin Man (my favorite character) that a heart isn't measured by how much you love but by how much others love you. And I kind of disagree. People can only really love you if you first loved them. It is reciprocal. Just like respect. It is a two way street. It is transactional because it has to be. If only one party is doing the loving and the work, like it was with my parents, it's not real love. It's servitude. Love that is not returned, love with strings attached is not love. It's toxic. It's a mockery of love.
All my life I've been told I had to earn things like love. And I tried so hard. I made payment after payment but never seemed to pay it off. I cleaned and cared for a home that I was mine. I invested in family that rejected me unless they wanted something from me. They withheld love and took everything from me, including my identity, my personhood and my childhood. I have existed somehow in shadows, eating the scraps under the table. I have had to be invisible until commanded to do something. I got crooked from making myself too small. They expected me to keep working toward a prize they constantly moved. And I just kept feeling like a foolish failure who couldn't get anything right, not even family.
But the good news is that I'm beginning to see that I was never the problem. They were. I wasn't wrong, they were. I wasn't failing them, they were failing me. And this is surprisingly helpful if belated. At least if I didn't get the love and care I needed I don't have to feel like I caused it. And I can feel free now to determine for myself what my obligations are. And aren't.
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