Hi folks. Today I'm writing what might be my most controversial post on dealing with narcissistic dark tetrads. I'm suggesting that retaliation and paybacks might be necessary. Responding in kind is about your only choice. But again, it's not in the way or for the reason you may think.
We're always taught that retaliation is petty. That holding grudges is wrong and forgiveness is the be-all-end-all. That getting even is low. That relationships shouldn't be transactional or punitive. That paybacks or responding in kind are childishly vengeful. And that revenge belongs to God. Oh they're vengeful all right. And but they have to be when you are dealing with a selfish, Machiavellian, manipulative, exploitative, remorseless person.
And they would be if you were in a normal, healthy give-and-take relationship. But dark tetrad narcissists aren't normal or healthy. They are twisted, cunning, demanding and soul-stealing. Those of us who were stuck with them by virtue of our birth have known only unfair, abnormal, unsafe, take-and-take, dangerous. We didn't get the luxury of normal rules just double standards. So we have to do things a little differently to heal.
Because for one thing, all relationships are transactional. Does that mean that everything has to be completely fair? Well, in a way, yes. There might be a little wiggle room but unbalanced relationships are not safe. At some point, if one person is only giving good, positive, caring love while the other person is dishing out a lot of vicious, nasty, hurtful behavior, the relationship will fail. Or worse, the victim will surrender voice, identity, needs, wants, sanity all to "keep peace" with a psychotic bully who's idea of peace is complete hostile takeover of his partner.
So how does retaliation work in a healthy way? We have to give back what we receive. If we get consistently let down, stop showing up. If we get stolen from, report and get it back. And don't give anymore. If we are excluded we stop inviting them to participate. If we are expected to do all the heavy lifting, we stop.
What I'm not talking about with retaliation is lowering ourselves to their standards. Which probably sounds like it amounts to the same thing but it doesn't. I need to make behavior choices that are in keeping with my personal ethics. If someone calls me a name, publicly humiliates me (such as when my mother threw a pie in my face) or screams at me, I'm not going to call them one back or get in a screaming match with them. But I might refuse to take them home after promising a ride. I might tell them to leave my house and not come back.
I might pay them back for not showing up or calling when I needed them, by not showing up or calling when they need me. I might turn a deaf ear to all mother's ailments as she has done to me all my life. I might leave them stranded occasionally to show them what it feels like. I might be a little less reliable myself. Is that petty? Well, yes, it does sound petty to me if I consider doing it myself. But that's because they conditioned me that "two wrongs don't make a right." Which translated says, "we can do whatever crappy thing we want to you but you'd better treat us with perfect kindness."
If you were to tell me that your parents treated you the way mine treated me, I'd be cheering you on paying them back, petty or not. And it's not petty. What's petty is that they did it to us in the first place as kids and that we learned to let them take advantage of us. What's pathetic is that we even have to consider doing this to get ourselves to a healthy place where we don't get walked on. What's sad is that all our conscientiousness and loving care got spit back in our faces to the point that we ACTUALLY EXPECT PUNISHMENT for doing good. That we've come to expect ill treatment from them.
And two wrongs make it righter for us. Because contrary to popular belief, being the bigger person with a narcissist doesn't make them stop doing wrong. It convinces them of their invincibility. And they just get more and more entitled and cruel. In fact, the nicer you are to a dark tetrad the nastier they are to you. That's the Machiavellian for ya. No good deed goes unpunished. They see you as weak and continue to amp up the abuse.
Now, when you institute these "retaliations" (aka stop putting up with their dreck) they going to give you hell. Dark tetrads will cry victim. They will holler that you are mean, vindictive, too sensitive, can't take a joke, disrespectful etc. But that's where we confuse the notion of retaliation. We let nasty, arrogant, control freaks define terms. What it really is, is consequences. For the first time in our lives, their choice to behave badly comes with a price THEY pay instead of us. They play stupid games, they get the stupid prize not us anymore.
So what it amounts to is not so much responding in kind but allowing these logical consequences to occur and not shielding them anymore. It's removing the positive which the narcissist has gotten used to receiving from us. It's not giving him a taste of his own medicine but refusing to take his medicine for him.
If this resonates, please feel free to drop me a comment!
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