Shocking ways I expect punishment and am surprised by kindness

Hi friends. Today in healing CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at some of the shocking ways I expect punishment and am surprised by kindness. And how this has made me unable to manage in healthy ways with anything, especially harm. This is down to my four dark tetrad parents brainwashing me to be the scapegoat, the fall guy, the whipping girl, for everyone's bad choices. Yes four--my bio parents who were narcissistic enough, got sick of each other's BS, divorced and married more arrogant, selfish people. That's how it usually works. 

I got bounced around between them, never having a home, just being the maid and nanny in their homes. My husband has said that I was Cinderella (only not with the long blonde hair or mice friends). Thank God I did get my handsome prince in him, at some point. But pain and suffering was my normal growing up. I was conditioned that when they said jump, I said "how high?" And then getting scolded when I did it. I was conditioned not to expect enough of anything I needed. 

So these things called kindness, love, support, encouragement, receiving good not just giving it, are unfamiliar. What is familiar is punishment. So now, as a broken adult, I am prepared for pain and punishment no matter what I do. I'm prepared to be let down, to kicked to the curb, to have plans not work out because someone lied and set me up. Or actually that's wrong. I'm never prepared for it. It sucker punches me every time. Because I've always done what the Bible says and kept on believing in and trusting others. I kept forgiving. 

I never developed what my grama said I should, a cynical, wait and see, attitude. I throw myself whole-heartedly into serving others without thought of reward. My dad said I should never do anything because I expected a reward. What he failed to mention was that I should expect punishment, no matter what because he and his wife and their kids would always expect and never be satisfied. It would have been good to know that. 

What my mom failed to explain was that we would always play by her crazy unfair double standards of morality and Christianity. She would always do as she pleased while preaching to others and no one would question her. I would be required to take the blame and punishment for her crimes. I would be the one hurt by them and then if I ever did confront it, be gaslit that it didn't happen. 

And this has played out with them all my life. At almost 61, that's a damn long time. So now, I never expect to feel good about something good I do. I expect fallout. When things work out, I don't even see it because I'm blinded to success. I'm always holding my breath and surprised when good things happen. I expect drama or trauma, I expect the bottom to drop out because it always did. 

Which would be bad enough except that I'm not ready for it. I take the blow full on, like a belly flop. I get the wind knocked out of me on a regular basis. Unnecessarily, I might add. 99 times out of 100, it's avoidable. It's just that I live with a lot of weaponized incompetence, cruelty and exploitation. I live with manufactured scenes and chaos.   But I've just got a big goofy smile on my face all the time and so I don't see it coming. But I should. But I don't want to. 

Is it better to be always vigilant against problems when you live in turbulence or is it  better to face life with a positive, hopeful attitude? Eh, I think the latter. At least then, if you are prepared, they can't sucker punch you. The dark tetrads don't get the hit from shocking you. You see them lowering their heads, side step their assault and they run their own foolish heads into the wall. They get the punishment for their own nastiness not you.