Hi friends. I just listened to an excellent explanation of why narcissistic dark tetrads abuse people and it's not why you think. And we don't hear enough of this. What we often hear is that abusers hurt because they were hurt and are in pain--basically a lot of excuses. As if you could excuse parents hurting a child. Or any adult hurting someone. Truth is, it's not due to past trauma or feeling out of control. Abusers abuse for one simple reason. BECAUSE THEY CAN. On purpose. They're not out of control as they'd like us to think. They are very much in charge and know exactly what they are doing. Sound like things I've been saying recently?
It really galls me if I'm honest to hear counselors (Christians are the worst) explaining that my abusive dark tetrad parents hurt me because they are/were wounded. That they were abused, too, etc. I have two words for that and they're not very nice but accurate. Bull. Shit. First, you don't know my parents, I do. I lived under their dark regimen of abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, scapegoating, invalidation, shaming, blame-shifting, enmeshment, backstabbing, mockery and cruelty. And gaslighting about it all. Then they got divorced and encouraged their new people hurt and abuse me, too.
And I also lived with their parents and siblings. By their own admission, my parents dealt with none of what they put me through. If anything, they were spoiled. Which would explain how they got so entitled. And don't give me this, oh things probably happened which you know nothing of. Well, you don't either. So please, don't talk like you do. Don't make excuses for them. They did enough of that already. I've heard what they considered "abuse" because they spared me no detail. They would minimize all they did to me and let their people do, by telling me some story about how grama and grampa were "too critical" (meaning they told my dad he should quit playing itinerant street preacher and care for his family). Or how grama got mad at my mom once and hit her. Mom, you routinely slapped me across the face and told me I deserved it. So not really getting your point.
That's all you got? You're so wounded that you wound me? I think not. You just want a scapegoat. A target. You put all your crap on me, punished me for breathing, made me do all your work, made me wait on your wife and kids and exploded on me routinely because gram and gramp told you to get a job? Or yelled at you? Do me a favor. The ones who are too hard on their kid is you all. I can never do anything right according to you. You pick at me mercilessly. And then cry on my shoulder? It really is all about you isn't it?
They know I have an empathetic heart, so they tell me sob stories and I feel sorry for them. Which they knew I would. And boom problem solved as far as they're concerned. Nothing more should be said about the crazy chaos they put on me. Attention firmly on them as the victims who couldn't possibly be expected to be adults. And I go back to dealing with it all alone. I take all their shit plus the shit they put me through, on myself.
But wait, there's more. This isn't just "signs of immaturity" or whatever we're calling it now. They didn't accidentally exploit, neglect and hurt me because they didn't know any better. That is actually impossible. Those are things you choose to do because you know exactly what your endgame is.
They also didn't hurt because they were hurt. I was hurt and I don't hurt my children. (Or tried very hard not to and was very sorry if I did). I don't excuse my behavior with sob stories. What I experienced was strategic, systematic abuse and neglect. The only consistent thing in my life were the stress, chaos and abuse. They had to go out of their way to do these things. It would have been easier to just be loving.
My mother threw a pie in my face at her work party. Then got pissy at me for being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke. While she and her jackass husband cackled their fool heads off at me. Then she claimed she did it because she was "shy and nervous around people." (da fuk?!?!) Shy people don't purposely draw attention to themselves at all, let alone by humiliating someone else. Machiavellian, entitled, narcissistic, malicious malignant attention seekers do. She never apologized till a few years ago and then it was just fire insurance because she getting old.
And another pity party with mother as the main character victim. When she brought it up (28 years later) I fell right into the trap I always do. I made excuse for her, saying it was okay because I probably made her nervous because I reminded her of grama who was "too critical of her." And she seized on it agreeing that she was just "bringing me down a peg or two." Hmmmm-kay. Tell me you don't have a nasty dark tetrad agenda.
Because make no mistake. This is not a trauma response. It is not defensive. Dark tetrads are offensively on the offense. They are viciously jealous and spiteful. They want to make people feel like shit. And they make a point of rearguard attacks, passive-aggressive insults, humiliating and shame. They're not being triggered by bad memories and dysregulating. That's what their victims do (raising hand here). What they are feeling is seething rage that someone else is getting attention or (heaven help us) outshining them. Which is easy to do because dark tetrads don't shine. They smolder. They have no light. They punish those who do.
And it's not an out of control lashing out. It's a timed, coordinated mic drop. They planned this all along. They were waiting for the perfect opportunity. My mother was exultant after the pie throwing. And her idiot of a husband laughing just supercharged her ego. She literally crowed in triumph. Unfortunately for her, no one else was laughing or cheering. That's why she got pissy because she didn't get the accolades from the crowd she expected. As if they would? Normal people don't get off on buffoonery.
This is just one minor example of the humiliations I have endured at the hands of dark tetrad parents. I have been made to feel sickening, crippling shame that made me want to exit this life. I always felt so responsible and made excuses up the wazoo for them. And it made me so much more vulnerable to their attacks. So you'll pardon me if I now lack sympathy for their supposed "past trauma." I see it for what it is. Manipulation, exploitation and abuse.
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