Hi friends. I've written about this before but it needs repeating louder for those in the back. What got me started down this path to heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parents was some posts on Reddit. Kids were asking on AITA about ridiculous, selfish and over demanding expectations their divorced and remarried parents were putting on them regarding stepparents and their "new" families. And then telling them that this was as per God! I was horrified to read that 1) this was me and 2) these shitty lies were still being perpetuated by parents on their kids, 50 years later.
So to heal, we need to look at what God himself has to say about parents, remarriage, divorce, etc. God has made Himself clear about divorce (He hates it) God has made himself even clearer about dark tetrad (selfish, arrogant, entitled manipulative) parents who divorce and remarry and then weaponize it against their kids. It is an abomination. End of. Because there are so many ways they lie, cheat, distort, twist and gaslight kids about what the Bible has to say about divorce, remarriage and stepparents. They do this to God and to their kids. But God will not be mocked, so beware dark tetrads.
Just for shits and giggle, I've been looking up on Google to see what supposedly Christian people are saying about divorce, parents and stepparents. And wow, there's a tonne of nonsense. So much is said about how kids are called to respect their parents and how that includes stepparents. How a kid should be obedient to everyone including anyone who their parents call parent--or just the live-in boyfriend or girlfriend de jour. Maybe I'm just jaded by all I went through at the hands of my parents and their live-ins and spouses, but I can't be the only one who sees the problems here.
For one thing, I also can't be the only one whose step-parents were abusive, neglectful, exploitative and nasty. People who are allowed and encouraged by the parents to abuse them?? I know I'm not. Why then would anyone put even more pressure on a kid to obey these awful people? And pardon me, but the Bible does not sanction this because the Bible (Jesus, God) doesn't sanction DIVORCE in the first place!!
Oh you'll hear about how that was then and this is now. How God is actually approving of divorce and remarriage. That's just lying gaslighting hogwash made up by people looking to defend their choices as being godly. You'll read from these people how God doesn't address step-parents because, well they can't give a good reason. But I can. He doesn't address them because He doesn't go for divorce or remarriage! It's not part of his plan. And yet these self-centered people would have you believe it's fine and dandy with Him.
My conservative, evangelical, rightwing nut, Bible beater parents were all over this. For themselves. For others it was sinful. They tried to gaslight away adultery, abandonment of me, fornication, living in sin (as it was called then), divorce, remarriage. It's okay, we weren't meant for each other, God understands and forgives. yada yada. We can hook up with new people and start all over fresh. Which included excluding me, except oh wait, you still need to do the heavy lifting.
And of course God does forgive people divorcing who are sorry. And who tried their best. And He helps them. And there are marriages that aren't safe or which are adulterous. And some second marriages can be healthy IF all the children are loved. But He can't forgive or heal those who make excuses for themselves because they aren't sorry or repentant. They're just bored and want to try someone else. And they just want vindication. And they prove that by the way they glibly defend it, dump it on their child caught up in the divorce and offer her no help.
They shame her for crying and tell her she's lucky, it could be worse?? So she feels guilty for feeling sad. And confused by their baffling gaslighting. And then they foist new people on her, calling them her parents They bullshit her that God expects her to obey, serve, kowtow to these people who they are letting hurt and abuse her. Directly contradicting a number of God's laws.
But the Bible doesn't stutter. God categorically does not approve divorce. He doesn't give exemptions except for infidelity. He does allow remarriage after adultery but if you have children, they come first. They are your first responsibility. The Bible warns that failing children is failing your faith. So obviously, this new person must care for your children and help raise them. All I ever heard was what was expected of me. But then, dark tetrads are much more interested in what they're "owed" than in what they owe.
And the new spouse is certainly not supposed to hurt the children. And the parent is not to let them. They're aren't to sexually harass, abandon, endanger, threaten, evict, intimidate, mock, overburden, exploit, enslave, steal from, cheat, neglect or scapegoat her. Scripture says, whatever you do to the least of his brethren you do to God. So if you injure her, you injure God.
If you marry again, while your first spouse lives, you're disobeying God. (John the Baptist). And please, let's not call it remarriage like it's the first or only one. You don't get do-overs. And you may have your fancy new family but what about your first child? You blew her world apart. She can never fully be part of either family. She is homeless, her home being broken up. And let's please not talk like you were the injured party or the only injured one here. You have a new partner. New kids. New family. She has no one. She's the divorced child, the abandoned, neglected, left-out, cheated-on one.
Yes, I'm writing from personal experience. Yes this is how it was for me. If you have managed divorce and second marriage healthier for the kids, I'm happy for you. But it still doesn't change any of these facts. The child is the biggest loser in all of this. Whatever you've been through, you're the adult. She is the child with no say in any of it. So less of the self-pity and more help for her, if you please.
And for God's sake, don't you dare demand that she just accept all this that you shoved on her without so much as a word of comfort or help. You cannot just make it up as you go along. You may have gotten married, had kids, etc. She doesn't have a new anyone, let alone you. Don't you dare expect her to just jump right in to your little fantasy and play along. But you damned well better expect your new spouse to include, parent and respect her. It begins with the adults.
If you bring more kids into it, good luck to you. God doesn't go for that either. And that's if you're good and kind to all the children. You're still skating on thin ice. And that's not so common. What is common is favoritism of the second marriage kids and neglect of the first. And that is, under no circumstances part of God's plan. You don't get to delete your first child just because she doesn't fit in your little cloud kuckoosheim. Your new family isn't your real or only family where the OG kid is an interloper. If anyone is the interloper it's the new people. Just saying.
And then there's this bullshit gaslighting game they play where they set up all these expectations God supposedly has for the child of their first marriage. They drum honor your parents into her head. But they don't honor theirs. And they don't earn respect And they aren't respectful and the new people aren't the parents.
Dark tetrads also forget the part about not angering your children nor being a millstone around her neck. Like by forcing new people on her as masters whom she must serve. By not helping her adjust. By just demanding more and more. They also define "respect" and "honor" unBiblically. They twist honor, respect and obey into bow and scrape, be subservient, worship, allow me to hurt you, turn a blind eye to my sinful ways, obey my new spouse like he's God.
The "Stepparent Scam" is one of the biggest in history. How could they even be your parents? You only have two. They may act parent-like and the child may in time come to respect and love them like family. But that's not good enough for the dark tetrads. You have to hit the ground running obeying them like taskmasters. And mother and father don't even expect these new people to treat the child reasonably let alone kindly. The kid becomes the cat's paw, scapegoat, fail-safe, stop-gap, body block in their sham of a marriage. Every bad or stupid or nasty or ugly thing they do back to bite me. It was like I was the child, the adult, the parent and the partner for them all.
Is it any wonder that I'm a mess?
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