Hi there friends. I've been writing a lot about how basic common sense rules don't apply to kids of narcissistic dark tetrad parents. Because we didn't get basic or common sense care or love from our parents. We got manipulated, exploited, abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, scapegoated, gaslit, shamed, invalidated, enmeshed, parentified, triangulated and terrorized. All contrary to good parenting. We lived the inverse ratio, lacking positive and receiving negative. And so, because everything was flip-flopped for us, we need to flip our expectations of ourselves. Here are some perversely counterintuitive things that seem wrong but are actually helpful to but healing CPTSD.
Don't just do something, sit there. All my life, I've been scolded if I do and scolded if I don't. I had to be up at the crack of dawn "helping" my dad do all the family housework while his wife slept the morning away. Never mind that I was kept at night by trauma nightmares, locked in a room with his children and in a lot of pain from all the heavy work. And still it wasn't enough. I was "selfish, in the way, disobedient, lazy, too sensitive" and always the problem. Now I feel ashamed for laying around or being unproductive. I shame-dream that I'm causing everyone so much trouble just by sleeping. So I'm trying something new and doing what feels good. Possibly, what feels good is also what's right. It's probably better than doing what feels bad.
Turn the picture wrong side up to see it right. My grama hung a picture on the wall sideways because she liked it better that way. And that's what we need to do. Turn it seemingly upside down to get it right. Our parents hung the picture wrong but gaslit us that it was correct. All we were taught was backwards and opposite of what was healthy. We were taught it was selfish to take care of ourselves. We were taught to harm ourselves by "helping" others. ( I use help loosely because what it was was letting them kick us around.) Our motives, words and deeds were twisted to serve their false image. So we need to up end the narrative to get it back in correct alignment. And to do that, we need to
Expose their shame. Yep this is going to sound completely wrong. Because we who have a conscience know it's wrong to shame others. But we then ignored the extreme debilitating shaming we've experienced. They both humiliated us for normal kid things or even things we didn't do and then also forced us to body block (lie for, cover, excuse) them from the consequences of their very shameful behavior. But now it's time to tell our side of the story. And if that shames them, then they shouldn't have done shameful things in the first place.
Tell secrets. Keeping secrets is fine except when doing so hurts. And keeping silent about parental abuse and neglect only makes it worse. It's also not their secret to keep. Again with their devious lying, they've made us think so. Because they arrogantly think everything is about how if affects them. But it's not. It's our story to tell if we wish. And I've found telling it helps a bit and is certainly better than hiding in shame. Just make sure to tell trusted, safe people who won't weaponize it or shame you further. And if they do...
Do something uncomfortably different. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. And with dark tetrad parents that's nothing but shit and shoved in it. So instead of fawning, freezing, fleeing, fixing, all the crap trauma response you were taught to use, stand up and fight back. Yeah, fighting is a coping response too. But I don't mean defensive lash back. I mean calm, confident balls-out, no surrender hell-no-we-won't go strike. And if need be...
Fight fire with fire. This is one instance where you have to. When dark tetrads attack, ambush and sucker punch, don't back down or grovel. This only feeds their arrogance. Don your Kevlar, put the flame thrower on idle and show them you're ready. I know this flies in the face of everything I stand for. BUT this is a different sort of fight. This is personal. And no amount of rising above will stop them. So you need to stop them in their tracks.
Attack first. All our lives we've played fair while the dark tetrads played foul. They gaslit us into thinking we had to follow rules they didn't have to. Dark tetrad parents play a bunch of minds games, they love me, they love me not. Who are you getting today, nice or nasty mommy, angry or happy daddy. Their entire base of operations is covert attack. So, don't wait for them to decide. Catch them off guard and be the aggressor for once. Because once is probably all it will take. And then walk, don't run, away. And close the door. If nothing else, you'll let them know you're done rolling over.
Yes I know, you're asking, could you give us some examples? Because these all sounds like terrible ideas. Well, I did say they were counterintuitive. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And so without further aphorism ado (LOL) yes, I will.
Throughout my entire life with my mother's husband, he has randomly and savagely ambushed me when the mood struck. I would then cry and beg his forgiveness for whatever trumped up nonsense he attacked me with. Somehow in my shell-shocked mind, I believed that I had done something to provoke it. My mother stood by quietly approving him and wagging her finger at me. And would then sanctimoniously "allow" me back in after a period of penance and mortification. I've since learned he was usually either angry with her or mad because well let's just say he had some perversions involving young girls. Gross.
Anyway, what I will do next time I see them, if I ever do, is to tell them both off. I will not give them a chance to start anything or even speak. They've said too much already. I will have my say and then exit. I will not accept any apologies or explanations. They will all be blame-shifting, backpeddling, gaslighting lies. And the time for those came and went decades ago. Apologies that come only after someone has confronted you with a truth you have been hiding all your life are no apology at all. True contrition comes from soul-searching.
I did this once when my dad's wife sucker punched me in an email. As you do. She accused me of ruining her self-ruined relationship with her son (whom I had basically raised because she was too lazy to) She said I lied about her using my computer to lure pedophiles (as if I could make that up). Also I was an angry, poisonous person and the cause of all their problems (!). Even though this problem child had done all the family's work for them. Like any good narcissist, she always the victim even when she's the perpetrator.
Normally, I'd fawn and apologize for any trouble I'd caused. But this time I decided enough was enough. And I just enumerated exactly what was wrong with all she said. I didn't call names, insult or attack. I just spoke the truth. And you know what? She backed down and admitted that everything I said was true. She did not apologize. But I didn't care. I felt better for having been honest and not letting myself be sacrificed to her inner cabal.
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