Sucker punches dark tetrad parents hit their scapegoat kids with (and what it does to us)

 Hello my friends. If you've suffered with CPTSD (complex or childhood post-traumatic stress disorder), you will want to read this post. I'm going to list some of the sucker punches my dark tetrad parents pulled on me as their scapegoat child. And I'm going to describe some of the damage that causes. You need to know that most of what I write is in "real time" awareness. As soon as I realize it, I share it. 

Dark tetrad parents lie to and about their kids. Not nice lies. They don't bend the truth to spare a child. They gaslight, invent, twist and deceive with the express purpose of confusing, upsetting, making her vulnerable and catching her off guard. They say she did bad things she didn't. They frame her. 

Dark tetrads chameleon depending on who's watching. She'll play the loving mother if grama and grampa are around. Then she flip flops to her usual neglectful self as soon as they leave. Or he'll make up a story painting himself as victim and the child as bad guy to elicit sympathy. She only brags up the child to show off  her supposed role in the success. This messes with the child' mind and makes her feel weirdly responsible for things she didn't do or accountable to mother. 

Dark tetrads hit below the belt.  They kick us when we're down and push us down when they need to feel superior. They humiliate us in front of others. They use us to get the shock value they so crave. They shock us by dropping huge bombs like "getting a divorce, thx-k-bye" and leaving us to fend. They throw pies in our face,  laugh like idiots and get mad and punish us when no one else finds it funny. 

Dark tetrad parents weaponize a child's trust. They blab confidences the child shared. They mock her about insecurities like trauma sleep-walking (which they caused). She tells at the dinner table how her daughter was molested by a guy in their foster care home and then brags up her boyfriend for how "well he handled it." This makes us feel helpless, hopeless and alone. And if I'm honest, suicidal. 

Dark tetrad parents backstab. They fake agreement to con the child into letting down her guard. All the while cherishing resentments, exaggerating and inventing injuries and letting all this fester into towering narcissistic rage. But which they don't dare show lest other people will see behind the mask. So all their venom comes out in the saber in the back. 

Dark tetrads use people. They drip poison in the form of cruel gossip and lies into people's ears. They invent hostilities. They tell network lies, telling each person in the circle something nasty about someone else, round and round. They form posses. They machinate, manipulate, exploit and triangulate, pit people against each other and play them off one another like snooker cues. A child being too young and innocent to understand these dirty, underhanded tricks, gets stuck in their sticky webs of intrigue. 

Dark tetrad parents gang up and ambush. Once they've completed their mission to divide and conquer, they go in for the kill. But being cowards they zero in on the weakest, smallest most vulnerable member--the child. And they do it guerilla style, completely pulling the rug out and upending the child. They cut contact with anyone who might protect her. Unless they need that person as someone to dump the child on. In that case, they lie to and about the child and the loved one, in order to sabotage the relationship without actually losing the caregivers. They lie and say that person also has it in for her. The level of damage this does the poor kid is unspeakable. 

Dark tetrad parents use grossly inappropriate and Draconian punishment. You know how normal kids make normal kid mistakes and stupid choices? None of that is allowed the child of dark tetrad parents. The slightest hint of any wrongdoing is blown out of proportion. And the child is subjected to a firestorm of very illogical, unnatural and unsafe consequences. It comes out of nowhere. Ergo, the only thing she learns is to be afraid. Very afraid. 

Dark tetrad parents hang and bury their child. They crucify her with false accusations, blame dumping and shame shifting. They bury her under mountains of chaos and trauma. They suffocate her with lies. They cripple her with neglect and abuse. They treat her like a mushroom feeding her shit and keeping her in the dark. 

Dark tetrad parents never admit to, feel remorse or apologize for anything.  After sating their rage on the child, and have her crying, cowering, wetting her pants in fear, they say, very calmly "we won't speak of this again." As if they are doing her a favor. What they really mean is "you won't say anything to anyone about what we just did here." And she doesn't', for the rest of her life. Or until such time as the gas clears and she realizes what happened. 

I know I said I'd share what this does to us. But I'm still excavating all that. One thing I know is that it made me blind, barmy and baffled. I don't even know what I don't know. And what I do know, I've been conditioned not to believe. It. Is. Exhausting. 

Dark tetrad parents' gaslighting lies about kids that are actually true of them (and which contradict God)

Hey my friends. Today I'm looking at gaslighting lies that dark tetrad parents say to and about their kids, that are actually true of them. And how this arrogant, deceitful, malicious shaming is completely contrary to God, the Bible and common parenting sense. These are things my parents said to me which at the time I believed. The power of gaslighting is real. But now I see that all their character assassination of me was really them telling on themselves. As my MIL said, when you point one finger at someone remember, four more are pointing back at you. 

You're showing off. According to my dad, I was just one big drama queen. Said the guy who left us in Alaska so he could convert the Manson girls (!) One time that stands out was when he called me a showoff for singing. All while pouting that he wasn't asked to play his violin in whatever church he happened to grace with his presence that Sunday. 

You're too sensitive. You can't take criticism. When I was being routinely as in on a daily basis verbally abused, attacked, belittled, mocked, humiliated publicly at family gatherings. When it was my dad who had a royal raging helluva hissy fit because I corrected the way he spelled algebra. 

You're too critical. They routinely neglected my care. They forced me to do all the childcare at 10 in my mom's foster care. So she and her boyfriend could play house in the basement. I was doing all my dad's and his wife's  housework and childcare. I was co-sleeping with their babies at 12. Then the work of running their adult foster care home at 14. I  never complained but when family members would call them out, they'd turn and blame me for telling on them. I never once did. 

You're exaggerating. About the abuse, neglect, abandonment (they literally left me with strangers in Alaska for weeks at a time when I was 6), endangerment (I was left to wander alone blocks from home at 4), exploitation, humiliation, parentification, scapegoating, lies and gaslighting, apparently. Though I'd never said anything. It took me till 59 to realize what had happened. It was their guilty consciences but dark tetrads never admit anything so they had to blame me. 

You're over dramatizing. . Said four of the  most theatrical showoffs you could imagine. If I was casting them in a play it would have to be a melodrama. Cue Little Nell and Snidely Whiplash. Which is also funny because as I said, I never even admitted that all this was happening. I made  excuses for every weird, dangerous, hurtful thing they did. 

You're fishing for compliments. When I asked if one of the many tasks I'd done was acceptable. And I only did that because there were horrific consequences for "failure." And they always came out of the blue like a knife in the back. Stepmommy and stepdaddy were VERY angry people and I was their victim of choice. 

You're looking for attention. Well if you gave me just a bit of the attention real parents give their kids, I wouldn't have to now would I? But your M.O. is to ignore, exclude and put me in a corner until you want something of me. 

You are selfish. Now that one's just laughable. Everything I ever had was sold to fund some pipe dream of their new partners and family. Literally my college fund was stolen to buy a motorcycle. And my child support was used to enable my mom's sorry new husband to sleep all day while I was evicted from their house at 16. 

You're sinful. Yep sure am. And so is every other person on in history. Your point? You're just saying that to make me feel even more like shit. And to draw attention away from your own despicable behavior. 

You nitpick. SAYS THE FRIGGIN CHIEF NITPICKERS! Your  wife got upset with me for failing to scrub on hands and knees, the baseboards to perfection. Or because I didn't fold a towel her way. Or because she had to actually get up with her son at night because I was gone. 

You're arrogant and proud. Don't even get me started on your many levels of arrogance, Jack, Ginny, Bill and Nancy. You really don't want to go there because I will bury you in f'rinstances. 

You're disobedient. Not as much as I should have been. And really not at all. You have bound me, Pharisitically to burdens you never carried and you made yourselves gods to me. You should thank me for saving you from damnation of your own pride. 

You're disloyal. Says who? I'm more loyal to you than you deserve. You're the ones disloyal to everyone--God, your spouses, me, your parents-- save yourselves. 

It's your duty to do these chores. My the euphemisms you use. A few household tasks, indeed. More like all the mopping, sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, childcare, dishes, bathroom cleaning, laundry,  ironing, cosleeping with your kids, kitchen cleaning, meal prep, waiting tables for your foster care--that's the work of housekeeper, nanny, parlour and scullery maid and a tweenie all rolled into one. 

We're not putting too much work on you. Well if not, why do I have spine, neck and back problems of a 60 year old at 12? And why do you make me do things you would never do yourself. And without proper tools like a simple mop or vacuum? Why am I expected to scale snowbanks to get your kids' frozen diapers off the line? 

You're lazy. Hummph, interesting. Remind me who it is that has to be up at 6 on a Saturday to clean the house and who watches TV till 3 am then sleeps till noon, never lifts a finger and expects stepdaughter to do all the work  and is still angry and demanding more? Who is is that pouts and points her finger at daughter and gets husband to force more on daughter? For free!!

You're spoiled. Oh do tell how, please I dare you. If this shitshow you've shoved me in is spoiled, I'd hate to see abused and neglected. 

You're lucky we had a good divorce. Really. As compared to what? We didn't know anyone who was divorced. I got that privilege to myself. And you never gave me an iota of help with it. Just plopped it in my lap and ran off to find new playmates. Seems to me you're the lucky one having such a patient daughter. And that the police didn't have you up for child abuse, neglect, endangerment and abandonment. 

You're just jealous. Of you and your new "friends"? No really I'm not. I can see what trainwrecks you all are. And I wish you joy of each other. Now if you said envious of having a real family and loving parents, you might be right. 

You're feeling sorry for yourself. When I get exhausted, burned out and depressed from all the burdens you put on me? No but I should be. But then, I forgot. "Depression" is your prerogative to weaponize against me and to leverage my pity. 

You owe (insert list of demands) to your stepmother, stepfather and us. Whoa, whoa.  Hold on there. Your new partners aren't my parents. If anyone owes anyone, they owe me care and love as your kid. And if you were going to bust up my family, the least you owed me was to pick caring people, not exploitative, demanding, abusive slavedrivers. I was never asked and never agreed to anything. So I owe you nothing. You on the other hand did sign a contract of care when you brought me into this world. A bargain which you've never upheld. 

It's your fault I didn't succeed. If it weren't for you, I could have been (insert fantasy du jour). You mean being a mom caused you to miss opportunities? Oh honey, don't' compound lie with lie. you never let responsibility to me stand in the way of getting what you wanted. If you failed that was entirely on you. 

You're in the way. Yeah and knowing you felt that way has crippled my self-esteem and confidence to the point where exiting this life seemed preferrable to staying. Put that it your pipe and smoke it. 

Quit interrupting the adults when we're talking. I was an adult when they said this. And you've never acted like adults only spoiled toddlers. 

You're angry all the time. (pause for laughs). I'M angry?? Pot, kettle. You lot are seething aggressive and passive-aggressive rage addicts. And if I did for once show anger, it would be righteously justified for all you put on me. You forget the scripture that warns you not to anger (frustrate, disappoint, stress) your kids. 

You're disrespectful. No you're the one who's disrespectful to me. You only scorn. And I'm too respectful of you when you don't merit it. 

You disobey God. K, let's unpack what's really being said here. If I'm doing all your work, and honoring you by obedience, even to your new spouses which by the way you're disobeying the Bible having, where's the problem here? You set yourself up as God and expect me to obey immoral commands. So who's the disobedient one here? 

Got expects you to be obedient to parents. Ye..ess, but not when 1) you make yourself a god 2) you force me to do things that contradict God 3) you put people in my life and call them parents. He also expects YOU to obey Him and your parents which you did not do. AND He further expects you to love and care for your child (which you didn't do) and not antagonize your children (which you did). 

He (she) can do whatever he (she) wants he's (she's) your father/mother. No he's/she's not. These are YOUR new partners NOT my parents. You can't even do whatever you want as my parents, let alone them. THEY  have to respect me which might help me respect them. It begins with THEM being loving and caring not just two more demanding bosses in my life. 

I have to let him (her)  do whatever he (she) wants to you, he's/she's  my husband/wife. Errr, no because 1) you don't let him/her do whatever he/she wants to you. You only play this dutiful helpless spouse charade when it comes to your partners hurting and enslaving me. You take damn good care of yourself.  And you actually cheer them on to abuse me as the scapegoat so you can avoid any responsibility. And why did you choose such horrible people to foist on me anyway? You don't like or love them. Talk about failing your parental duties. 

You're immoral. No I'm actually a pretty moral person. But it just suits  you to make me think that because it turns the spotlight from your own risky, neglectful, immoral behavior. 

You're a disappointment. That may be but yanno what? I just realized that you're a bigger disappointment to me. And I will say, to God. You drew first blood in neglecting your responsibilities to us both. And I will grow and mature. While you will and have go to your graves as failures. Unless you take your own advice and "remember that hell is still hot" (Nancy on Facebook post, SMH). 

Dark tetrad parents steal and destroy every good thing from their child

 Hello my friends. Today I'm looking at how dark tetrad (arrogant, self-centered, manipulative cruel) parents steal and destroy every good thing their child possesses. I've written about this before and I'm going to need to write about it again, many times as I remember more things they ruined for me. Here's a list of things which most children had and which were taken from me by my parents. These are in no particular order. 

Toys. Things would be given to me and then disappear never to return. Or my parents would get me something and then take it back. I think now that they only did this for show, to make it look like they were caring for me. But they weren't. I think, though I can never prove, that most of my things were sold to fund their new families. 

Childhood. I read a quote, I think it was from Patrick Teahan something to the effect that children who are forced to spend too much time in their  parents' adult world never get to be children. Oh how heartbreakingly true that is. Dark tetrad parents abandon and neglect their parental duties, make their children  responsible for them like mini adults and rob them of their right to be a kid. 

Personhood.  Dark tetrad parents quite literally pirate the child's self. They shatter any boundaries she might form. They enmesh themselves with their child in creepy ways. They feed parasitically off their child. She has no life, identity or autonomy outside the Mothership. Who then cuts her adrift so she and  floats in space like Major Tom bewildered, lost and alone. 

Privacy. Dark tetrads make it clear in every aspect of the child's life, that she is sub human and not entitled to things normal humans have. Like personal space. They take everything and then arrogantly make the child feel in the way for needing the least little thing. All my life I've been ashamed of my singing voice (which is actually somewhat  pretty) because I was singing in the bathroom and  my dad told me I was showing off. When I told my son this story he asked "what was your dad doing in the bathroom with you." Good point. 

Sexual identity or confidence. Dark tetrads are debauched and morally bankrupt. They think, say and do sexually off things. A lot of it is flat out abusive. Then they accuse their child of doing these things. WHEN SHE IS JUST A CHILD!  She believes she is dirty when she doesn't even know or want to know anything about such things yet. Dark tetrad parents implant sick and weird ideas in the child's head that haunt her for the rest of her life. Her entire experience with intimacy is poisoned by their sickness. My mother described her  adulterous affairs in detail. She paraded around naked and made sure to highlight her voluptuousness compared to my young unformed body. My dad at 35, took me (9) on dates with his 17-year-old girlfriend.  

Medical care. Dark tetrad parents insure that their child will be crippled for life by physical injury and illness that they could have easily been treated in childhood. My back, hips and  neck are permanently twisted by early onset arthritis from doing far too  much manual labor and waiting on my parents. My dad who had good insurance never took me to the doctor. When I was sick for months on end, he illegally took a mono test kit from the hospital where he worked to save himself the money. My stepmother had expensive bariatric surgery. My mother ignored illnesses and injuries until they were out of control. I lived on penicillin for several years until my grandparents finally asked why the hell Marilisa always had a sore throat. And I finally got surgery. By that time, my tonsils were rotten with infection and recovery was so severe I lost 15 pounds. None of them were the least bit concerned or helped me thru it. My friend had to tell my mother that I wasn't eating. 

Place. Dark tetrad parents don't provide adequate space or resources for the child. She exists on the fringes like a homeless person. They foist themselves on their child in unhealthy ways. They're always yelling at her for being in the way. They give her bedroom to their brother and his girlfriend so they can play house. They make her sleep in over-crowded rooms with their babies so they can have their privacy. 

A mind of our own. We are not free from our possessive control freak dark tetrad parents even in our own heads. We don't own our own feelings, thoughts, needs, ideas or dreams. They do. They arrogantly tell us what we think even when it's nothing like that. They malign our character and assassinate our intentions. They accuse us of having sinful and wicked motives. According to them, we're always showing off, bragging or "fishing for compliments." They insult and belittle our achievements. They make themselves the center of attention to steal any limelight we might be in. They invade and colonize our brains with disturbing, painful, twisted lies. We believe them because they've groomed us from infancy to do so. And they are so loudly convincing. 

The world sees us as just normal kids because no one looks in on our living situation. They don't realize that the house we are staying in isn't ours. It's our workplace not our home. And because our parents are good at hiding the bruises they inflict. So people just expect that we can function like those who have resources and tools. We spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how the hell we're supposed to do that. And we actually do a pretty good job given all we lack. But we never feel good about it because that was robbed from us too. 

Weird cringy things narcissists will do to get to steal attention

 HI friends. Today in my healing journey I'm relooking at some odd ways my dark tetrad parents acted and seeing it for the attention-seeking performance it was. Here are weird cringy things narcissists will do to steal center stage from the person in the limelight and put it on themselves. Brownie points added for them if they can do it in such a way as to humiliate the person they are drawing attention from or make them look like the the bad guy. I'll admit upfront, some of these are going to make me sound insensitive. But if you've lived with a chronic attention seeker, I think you'll agree. And I'm not saying we should call them out or shame them. Maybe just not get too worked up over what may very well be a fake ploy for pity. 

Tripping. I just saw this happen at a play I attended recently. A bit part character (who normally has a leading role) "fell" during the curtain call as the stars were taking bows. Now she might have accidentally fallen. Problem, I've seen her do it before. Or course all eyes are on her now and everyone is worrying if she's okay rather than applauding the curtain call. It's very disconcerting. The audience almost feels guilty for going "on with the show." 

Falling. Like tripping this is a sure way to get others to take notice. And don't get me wrong. I'm not saying everyone who trips in public is doing it for attention. I fell in the street when visiting my grandkids. My knees were bleeding but I wouldn't let us be derailed from our plans because I was embarrassed. And I didn't want to worry anyone. The way you know someone is probably milking it is when they want to worry others. They exaggerate, lying prone and still. They hold up traffic as they "catch their breath" (most likely hoping to leverage as much fuss as possible. They feign inability to get up, they sob dramatically, and more than a little bump would warrant. Six people have to come help them. I don't care if I have to crawl, I'll be damned if I'm going to make a scene like that. 

Overdramatizing injury. On the night of my wedding rehearsal dinner, my mother (after joing us for the free dinner) "fell" at home. Evidently her foot slipped off a chair she was resting it on and she bumped herself as she steadied herself. We got a call from ER saying she was hurt and rushed over (leaving our guests). She insisted on a battery of tests despite not even having a bruise. As you might guess that ended the celebration. 

Faking "convenient" illness. My mother will come to all celebrations where there is free food provided by me. Once dinner is done and it's cleanup time, she'll suddenly "feel ill" and have to leave. She's not so sick that she doesn't have time to raid the buffet to take heaping plates of leftovers. She does this every time. Or she'll "feel sick" but not call or call at the last minute to say she's not coming. At our grandson's gender reveal, she didn't call at all and we were all worried. We delayed the 1pm party as I kept trying frantically to get in contact. She finally called me at 10:30 pm to tell me she was sick. She hinted that our son should take her out to eat (and pay) because she had miss the party. 

Lie about being in need. My mother once told the family at a dinner I was not present for that "sometimes we (as in her new family) don't get enough to eat." The family called me in a panic to see why I was letting mother and her family (of which I've been excluded from) starve. Shame on Mary for not supporting grown ass adults. Said family never batted an eyelash when I was routinely neglected, abused and even kicked out of the house as a teen. 

Shouting in church. Yes I said shouting. In church. My mother are of different denominations. She doesn't approve that I converted to Catholicism. Bear in mind she doesn't go to church because of her "health" or more usually because she's mad at someone or has outstayed her welcome. (She once expected a church she'd just started to employ her as Sunday School director. She was not even a member and had no credentials or experience. Anyway, to prove a point, when she visits our church. she'll yell "AMEN!" and wave her arms. And it's not just Catholics. Our extended family are non-yelling Christian Reformed and she did this at her brother's funeral. She pretends it's religious zeal. It's not. It's just garden variety showing off for attention. Even our dearly departed must share the limelight with mother. 

Wandering out it traffic. Or just wandering off. She will say it's because she gets confused. But she also watches to see who's watching when she does it. And she plans to do it. She warns you that you'll be expected to pull her back if she randomly decides to cross the street in oncoming traffic. I watched her look both ways and purposely walk out into traffic.  I didn't stop her and she saw I wasn't going to and she stopped. Problem solved. She is not invited on walks anymore. 

Dressing inappropriately. When she was young, mom would wear super short dresses and go-go boots to conservative functions. Like my school events. So cringy. She flaunt a bikini when my friends cam over. Then as she got older she began wearing the sloppiest clothing possible. Our extended family actually put a dress code on notice of gatherings because her attire was so embarrassing. Then the coup de grace, she began wearing obvious nightgowns with little bows in public and even to dress up affairs. Like baptisms and weddings. My kids were so uncomfortable they asked me to please do something so she didn't humiliate them. People said I should just talk to her about it. But I think you get why that wouldn't work. She knew exactly what she was doing and it was guaranteed to get all eyes on her. If she couldn't be the hottest she'd be the most pathetic. For their weddings I did buy her appropriate dresses which I couldn't afford. Well, problem solved there too. Now she doesn't get invited. Sucks but I didn't ask for this. 

Pie in the face. And other humiliating pranks. My mother and her husband love mocking people until they are the butt of jokes. My mother threw a pie in my face at her work picnic where my kids and I had been invited as guest. She and hubby thought they were hilarious but no one else did. BUT she would get furious if anyone dared prank her. I never have. Mother must always be treated like a queen. Her husband started throwing snowballs and my husband fired back and one when in their precious truck. Stepdaddy dearest went ballistic with name-calling and threats. He wouldn't speak to us for months. 

These are just a few of the many things she'll do. And she's always coming up with new material so you don't get used to it and prepare. She says she likes to "shock" people because she's "never grown up and just wants to be a kid." Unfortunately it's not child-like and cute. It's malicious and hurtful. And it's only fun when she's humiliating someone else. If she just thinks you're teasing her you'll see her angry, vindictive, spiteful Medusa side but quick. 

Biblical principles don't apply to women-- especially those with CPTSD

 Hello my friends. Today I'm writing what might be my most controversial post (like your others aren't,  you're thinking?!) I'm exploring how most Biblical (and actually a lot of moral/ethical/religious) principles don't apply to women, (unless they are narcissist dark tetrads like my mother and stepmother) and especially those of us with CPTSD (complex childhood post-traumatic stress disorder). Because the Bible was not written to women and definitely not children. It was written to adult men. I'll explain and btw, if this upsets or angers you, you're free to move on. I'm not asking for permission or approval anymore, except from my Higher Power whom I call God. And I believe this comes directly from Him. 

Historically, men and women have been taught polar opposite expectations. Men were rewarded for being ruthless, arrogant, acquisitive, angry, competitive, boastful, bossy dictators. They were taught skills for which they were well paid for. Women did everything else. We were shamed into being subservient, humble, quiet, gentle. Even the hobbies of kids when I was growing up were opposite. Boys built model airplanes, played instruments and sports and enjoyed leisure while girls did chores and then played at simulated chores--childcare, cleaning and cooking. And then read beauty and pop star magazines. Even the chores were different. Girls spent hours daily cleaning the house and taking care of kids. While boys did the 30 second taking the trash out.  

So when religious ideas were being handed down, they were aimed at teaching a different path of love, joy, peace, service to others, generosity, patience, self-control and mercy. These have always been female traits. It's what we girls had been doing all along. Religion was for men. And women were excluded. Perhaps because we didn't' need to be told to be kind and humble. We already were. 

We just existed in the background as sort-of people who did all the heavy lifting. I mean look at religious orthodox Jews: the women do everything including holding down jobs while the men study Torah. It's not just them either. Men in most all religious traditions did the talking, preaching, teaching while women carried the can. Even in not particularly religious homes, moms did most of the work. Oh and if you're concerned I'm on a feminist rant, I most definitely am. But not against religion or men as a whole. Just patriarchal, chauvinist and misogynistic ones.  

For most of history women were subject to everyone: fathers, brothers, sons. When we began working outside the home, it was in subservient roles: maids, cooks, teachers, nurses, lollypop ladies. We obeyed everyone according to the dictates of the society in which we lived which was based on the religion of the time and place. We were not fully people. Just drones supposedly with no thoughts, ideas, personhood, feelings or worth. 

But news flash--we had all those aplenty. We just didn't dare express them. And our lack of self didn't exempt us from lack of demands and responsibility placed on us. We were too stupid to vote or decide anything. Yet we were expected to pretty much carry the weight of the world. It was constant chaos, confusion, gaslighting, exploitation, manipulation, abuse, neglect and scapegoating. Sound anything like life with dark tetrad parents I've described? 

And THIS is why so many traumatized children have been women. Women have been traumatized throughout history. We were subjected to unspeakable things beginning in tiny tothood. And (raising hand here) religion was used by our parents to perpetuate this horrific half-life on us. It wasn't just the Bible but all religious teaching that seemed to or actually did push us further under the waves. God, we were told, had all these expectations of us but gave us none of the tools, resources or wherewithal to actually complete these expectations. We were told to use self-control but we had NO SELF or CONTROL OVER anything, even our lives. That was for everyone else...anyone who wanted a piece. 

So here's where the problem for us women came in. When this recent paradigm shift occurred and women allowed to play in the sandbox, there was no accompanying shift in teaching specifically to women. We were supposed to just pick up and follow the rules because the de jour policy now includes us. We had to hit the  ground running with no training, keeping all the commands and expected to do all the things men had had the power to do since religions began. And we still lacked power, control and options. We had all the work with none of the perks. 

Current thinking says we're supposed to have a "relationship" with God. We were given no instruction on what that was supposed to look like save the definitions given to men. Who also had, forgive the repetition, all the tools with which to do this. Which never did and never will resemble anything like what women have been given. 

So you can't have it both ways. If women were excluded from religious practice and teaching BECAUSE  they were women then the rules cannot apply to them. Women, be honest. How many times have you sat at church or heard a reading or homily or sermon given by men, and felt nothing but frustration and despair? When you hear some guy young enough to be your son telling you about how it's important to be generous and kind. To give of self. To put God first instead of football? FFS, who do you think you're talking to, buddy? 

With all due respect (which is a lot more respect than most arrogant preachers give women), been there done that all my life. Sacrifice is my freaking middle name. And while you're preaching who do you think is  actually doing the giving of which you speak? Women. We're making your supper, educating the children, washing your clothes, changing diapers, seeing to it there's enough toilet paper. So that you can sit on your ass and compose your little homilies. 

So now it's a little more common for men to "help out." And "babysit" their kids.  But why do we still call it that if it's not still a problem? It's still shockingly common to hear men say "I don't do mestic." Society cheers toxic masculinity. And don't even get me started on the "incel manosphere." What a dipshit load of dreck. And they wonder why they're on their third marriage and that one's rocky? Some of these "woke" dudes actually call themselves Christians. Let THAT sink in. 

So it's women who have been following Bible commands, that were written by and to men, all along. That's what we're wired to do. Give, care, carry, support, nurture. Love is patient, kind, gentle, humble, forgiving, merciful, self-sacrificing. If that's not the definition of womanhood,  motherhood, sisterhood, daughterhood, I don't know what is. 

 And these Gen 2.0 men that are for the first time in history stepping up and doing their part have been taught by the women in their lives to emulate them (and God) and be humble, giving and caring. So I guess what I'm saying is, you'll pardon me if I'm a little confused, as to why we're having these conversations. And why I don't find religion particularly helpful. And actually find it frustrating.  I get it! Now tell me something that does help. 

And having said that, I will. I think the one religion in it's true form, that does address women where they are is Christianity. In the person of Jesus. I'll blog more on that tomorrow. 

Perversely counterintuitive but helpful ways to heal CPTSD

Hi there friends. I've been writing a lot about how basic common sense rules don't apply to kids of narcissistic dark tetrad parents. Because we didn't get basic or common sense care or love from our parents. We got manipulated, exploited, abused, neglected, abandoned, endangered, scapegoated, gaslit, shamed, invalidated, enmeshed, parentified, triangulated and terrorized. All contrary to good parenting. We lived the inverse ratio, lacking positive and receiving negative. And so, because everything was flip-flopped for us, we need to flip our expectations of ourselves.  Here are some perversely counterintuitive things that seem wrong but are actually helpful to but healing CPTSD.  

Don't just do something, sit there. All my life, I've been scolded if I do and scolded if I don't. I had to be up at the crack of dawn "helping" my dad do all the family housework while his wife slept the morning away. Never mind that I was kept up at night by trauma nightmares, locked in a room with his children and in a lot of pain from all the heavy work. And still it wasn't enough. I was "selfish, in the way, disobedient, lazy, too sensitive" and always the problem. Now I feel ashamed for laying around or being unproductive. I shame-dream that I'm causing everyone so much trouble just by sleeping.  So I'm trying something new and doing what feels good. I lay in bed enjoying the comfortable bed I  now have. Possibly, what feels good is also what's right. It's probably better than doing what feels bad. 

Turn the picture wrong side up to see it right. My grama hung a picture on the wall sideways because she liked it better that way. And that's what we need to do. Turn it seemingly upside down to get it right. Our parents hung the picture wrong but gaslit us that it was correct. All we were taught was backwards and opposite of what was healthy. We were taught it was selfish to take care of ourselves. We were taught to harm ourselves by "helping" others. ( I use help loosely because what it was was letting them kick us around.) Our motives, words and deeds were twisted to serve their false image. So we need to up end the narrative to get it back in correct alignment. And to do that, we need to

Expose their shame.  Yep this is going to sound completely wrong. Because we who have a conscience know it's wrong to shame others. But we then ignored the  extremely debilitating shaming we've experienced. They both humiliated us for normal kid things or even things we didn't do and then also forced us to body block (lie for, cover, excuse) them from the consequences of their very shameful behavior. But now it's time to tell our side of the story. And if that shames them, then they shouldn't have done shameful things in the first place. 

Tell secrets. Keeping secrets is fine except when doing so hurts. And keeping silent about parental abuse and neglect only makes it worse. It's also not their secret to keep. Again with their devious lying, they've made us think so. Because they arrogantly think everything is about how if affects them. But it's not. It's our story to tell if we wish. And I've found telling it helps a bit and is certainly better than hiding in shame. Just make sure to tell trusted, safe people who won't weaponize it or shame you further. And if they do...

Do something uncomfortably different. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. And with dark tetrad parents that's nothing but shit and shoved in it. So instead of fawning, freezing, fleeing, fixing, all the crap trauma response you were taught to use, stand up and fight back. Yeah, fighting is a coping response too. But I don't mean defensive lash back. I mean calm, confident balls-out, no surrender hell-no-we-won't go strike. And if need be...

Fight fire with fire. This is one instance where you have to. When dark tetrads attack, ambush and sucker punch, don't back down or grovel. This only feeds their arrogance. Don your Kevlar, put the flame thrower on idle and show them you're ready. I know this flies in the face of everything I stand for. BUT this is a different sort of fight. This is personal. And no amount of rising above will stop them. So you need to stop them in their tracks. 

Attack first. All our lives we've played fair while the dark tetrads played foul. They gaslit us into thinking we had to follow rules they didn't have to. Dark tetrad parents play a bunch of minds games, they love me, they love me not. Who are you getting today, nice or nasty mommy, angry or happy daddy? Their entire base of operations is covert attack. So, don't wait for them to decide. Catch them off guard and be the aggressor for once. Because once is probably all it will take.  And then walk, don't run, away. And close the door. If nothing else, you'll let them know you're done rolling over. 

Yes I know, you're asking, could you give us some examples? Because these all sounds like terrible ideas. Well, I did say they were counterintuitive. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And so without further aphorism ado (LOL) yes, I will. 

Throughout my entire life with my mother's lazy, no-good husband, he has randomly and savagely ambushed me when the mood struck. I would then cry and beg his forgiveness for whatever trumped up nonsense he attacked me with. Somehow in my shell-shocked mind, I believed that I had done something to provoke it. My mother stood by quietly approving him and wagging her finger at me. And would then sanctimoniously "allow" me back in after a period of penance and mortification. I've since learned he was usually either angry with her or mad because well let's just say he had some perversions involving young girls which I set off. Gross. 

Anyway, what I will do next time I see them, if I ever do, is to tell them both off. I will not give them a chance to start anything or even speak. They've said too much already. I will have my say and then exit. I will not accept any apologies or explanations. They will all be blame-shifting, backpeddling, gaslighting lies. And the time for apologies came and went decades ago. Apologies that come only after someone has confronted you with a truth you have been hiding all your life are no apology at all. True contrition comes from soul-searching and remorse which dark tetrads don't do or  have. 

I did this once when my dad's wife sucker punched me in an email. As you do. She accused me of ruining her self-ruined relationship with her son (whom I had basically raised because she was too lazy to) She said I was wrong to tell him about her using my computer to lure pedophiles (as if I could make that up). Also I was  an angry, poisonous person and the cause of all their problems (!). Even though this problem child had done all the family's work for them. Like any good narcissist, she's always the victim even when she's the perpetrator. 

Normally, I'd fawn and apologize for any trouble I'd caused. But this time I decided enough was enough. And I just enumerated exactly what was wrong with all she said. I didn't call names, insult or attack. I just spoke the truth. And you know what? She backed down and admitted that everything I said was true. She did not apologize. But I didn't care. I felt better for having been honest and not letting myself be sacrificed to her inner cabal. 

Weirdest and most devastating aftershocks of childhood abandonment and neglect by dark tetrad parents

Hi friends. As I go along this journey of healing from CPTSD (complex or childhood post traumatic stress disorder) I learn new things every day. Last night, I had a dream (nightmare) which demonstrated one of the weirdest and most devastating aftershocks of childhood abandonment, endangerment and neglect by my four dark tetrad parents. 

First of all, let me explain that I dream a lot: every night all night long, very disturbing, frightening dreams. Chaotic dreams of being responsible for many people, in dangerous, overwhelming situation. I wake up crying out, feeling like I'm strangling, I once almost suffocated myself because my face was pressed in the pillow and sleep paralysis made me unable to move. I could sleep for 12 hours and not feel rested. 

Most of my dreams involve being responsible for many children while also being expected to do all kinds of housework, chores, cooking, laundry, etc. The environment is always filthy, broken down and unsafe. These, my husband pointed out, are probably more in the nature of memories. Pretty much all the housework was put on me as a kid. I was parentified and made to care for my parents, their two new spouses and all their children. I didn't get proper medical care. I have serious back damage from doing heavy work too young. 

My parents have neglected and endangered me all my life. At times, they've randomly abandoned me. I was dumped at a summer camp and and then with strangers (in Alaska, 4000 miles from my family) at six. I was a latchkey kid at 8, before there was a word for it. I was left home alone all summer once. I have wandered alone in strange cities not knowing where my parents were. I was playing alone in a park two blocks from home at four

 Scary, abusive and sexually off people were put in my life. Some slept in my room.  I have lived in very sketchy situations including being transient with parents and sleeping on the floor or on unheated porches. I was kicked out of the house at 16 and had to fend as best I could. I know this sounds made up. I wish it was. 

That all changed when I got married. Life was consistent and good. We never had much but it was clean and safe for our children. My husband loved me and was always there for me. The children had what they needed and I took good care of them. At least I think I did. My dreams tell another story and that's what's so weird and disturbing. 

In my dreams, I'm the one neglecting my children. But I don't know how it happens. I mean that all of a sudden, a baby appears which is my own. But I haven't nursed her or held her for weeks. I don't know where she came from or who has been caring for her. It's not like she was lost. It's more like I was and only just found myself. I'm confused, anxious and very worried. This happens in other dreams with various children of different ages. 

I'm not caring for them because I don't know where they are. Then there are the dreams of having large groups of kids I'm trying to care for. Terrifying things  happen to them. They get abducted, lost, badly injured, fall off cliffs or drown. I'm working so hard to protect them and they still get hurt.  Sometimes it's one of my grandchildren or children. Sometimes kids I don't know. My husband says I'm always waking up looking for the children. 

I wake up completely bewildered. It takes me about 10 minutes to come into reality. But in the back of my mind, the fears lurk.  Did it happen? Is there a baby needing me? Have I abandoned my children? If so WHERE ARE THEY?? And the dreams, while not completely repetitive are always similar. They don't go away and become part of my memory bank. I have often said I have more nightmare memories than actual memories. 

So I think part of it stems from the loss of two stillborn daughters. I will always grieve them. But I think it might be little me that I'm grieving too. I think my mind can't wrap itself around how my parents could so endanger, abandon and neglect me. And then with equally callous disregard, make me be responsible to them for all they didn't do for me. How they could endanger AND exploit, neglect me and expect me to serve them. That's the definition of dark tetrad, I've learned. But I didn't know it then.

I think my child brain can't accept that they were not safe, loving, nurturing parents but threats and slavedrivers. The very people who were supposed to keep me safe not only didn't but purposely put me in harm's way. I think my inner child can't process how afraid and  helpless I felt. So I think my dreams cast me as the neglectful parent because this I can do something about. 

My inner child knows, I think, that if I was her parent, I would not have allowed these terrible things to happen to her. I would have kept her safe. I wouldn't have put her in such awful situations it the first place. And if accidents happened I'd have been there to do my damnedest to rescue her.  I would have cared. 

 And you know, I've got to say, it's pretty pathetic not only that I had to endure such frightening things alone but also that I have to relive them each night as the perpetrator. The ones who should be nightmaring all night are my parents. But such is the paradoxical dilemma of childhood trauma. Literally the definition of shit and shoved in it.  

Cringy and pathetic things childhood trauma makes me do

Hi friends. The further I go toward unpacking my childhood trauma, the more I realize how it has affected my entire being. Every thought, act, word is tainted by abuse and neglect by four dark tetrad parents. There's no corner of my life that it has not infiltrated. Because, as the saying goes, old sins cast long shadows. And the Bible says the sins of the fathers shall be visited down the generations. Today I'm exploring cringy and frankly pathetic things CPTSD makes me do. 

Fawn. See also cower, grovel, kowtow, appease, sacrifice. I have literally presented myself, like a female animal in mating, for any weird, sick, disgusting thing someone wants to do. I have offered myself up on a platter to anyone who wanted a piece. Because I was groomed and gaslit to believe that not to was selfish. 

Jump at my own shadow. You know if you've read earlier posts how I hate with a red shooting passion that stupid expression faith over fear. Easy to say if you've been taught to be confident. If you've been terrorized and told to be afraid, by dark tetrads it's quite another thing. So don't lecture me, buddy, on fear. I've been in situations that would make you soil yourself. So yes, I look ridiculous when a balloon goes off and I hit the dirt. No shit. They don't call it CPTSD for nothing. 

Tilt at windmills. I have fought off what appeared to be imaginary foes. But they were real. It's just that I couldn't safely do battle with them at the time of the actual threat. So now, my sense of danger is destroyed. I see it where it doesn't exist and miss it when it does. But these are offensive moves but defensive. I'm warding of blows, sort of. 

Bring a flower to a gunfight. I don't come prepared for fights because I also lack proper weapons and armor because I was never given any. I was only groomed to obey and allow hurt. You know how they say kids are so resilient? Bullshit. Traumatized children are little messes of scars and wounds. And any resilience and fight-back we once had has been shot to hell. All we know to do in the face of danger is smile weakly and hold out a little dandelion bouquet. 

Stumbly feebly. I literally fall a lot. I'm a clumsy klutz. Probably because I've been reduced by so much harm, to being legless and armless, like Monty Python's Black Knight. I've only got bloody stumps where limbs  once grew. I'm mentally disabled. What's holding me together, I'm not sure. I hope it's God. 

Babble incoherently. Because I've bitten my tongue so much there's not much left. And because I'm always mentally editing what I say in case it angers someone. I don't even allow myself to think many things. When I do talk freely, I'm scared to death of the response. 

Overreact. And sometimes, all this repression, shame, frustration and helpless hopelessness just busts out and I can't check it and so I wreck myself. I try really hard not to wreck others. Even those who have provoked the overreaction. And overreact is such a tidy word for what is a horribly  messy process. Nuclear meltdown might be better. 

These are just a few of the ridiculous and awkward things I've been taught to do. And been shamed for doing. Because many people have a bad habit of fault-finding, based on ignorant arrogance. These street preachers haven't experienced childhood trauma like we have.  They have been given tools and resources and support which we haven't. 

Even just calling it ridiculous myself is buying into this judgey preachy thing we do. What it is is sad. If you see someone doing these things, say a prayer and offer a hand. Reach out in empathy and save the holier than thou for when you are falling apart. Judge, judge thyself. That's what the Bible and common courtesy requires. You know, Good Samaritan and all that. Because not all wounds are visible. Some only show up in the behavior they cause. 

If you can't help, at least don't hinder. Just shut up, move on and take your self-righteous attitude with you. And remember what Jesus said about the measure you use on others being used on you. 

Surprising and scary ways dark tetrad parents damage their kids

 Good morning my friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from abusive parents, I'm looking at surprising and scary ways dark tetrad parents damage their kids. And they way the do it, is, like everything else they do: twisted, manipulative and self-serving. Dark tetrads are arrogant, entitled, exploitative, mercenary, psychopathic and cruel. But they are also deceptive. It sometimes take the kid decades to see just how extensive the childhood trauma went. 

Dark tetrad parents break their child's trust. But not in the way you might be thinking. We don't trust too little but too much. We trust everyone, blindly, implicitly and dangerously. Everyone but one person that is. We don't trust ourselves. We believe everyone else knows better than us and we let them exploit our unhealthy trust and take advantage of us. Demented right? You ain't seen nuttin yet. 

Because the way they sabotage our trust mechanism is even more deranged. And the way they do this can be found in the paradox between "dark tetrad" and "parent." They behave in untrustworthy ways, breaking promise, backstabbing, lying, future faking, scamming and shamming their child. BUT they do it under the guise of "parent." Because they hold the title of parent, the child believes that this IS how genuine parents are supposed to act. What we don't know is that any resemblance to normal caring parents is skin deep. 

The dark tetrads have their child so conditioned that she sees dangerous behavior as appropriate and unsafe people as perfectly reliable. What we don't know is that the only thing they can be relied on to do is the most selfish, hurtful and humiliating things possible to us. And then laugh at us for being ashamed and get pissed at us for being hurt. 

They gaslight us it's what we deserve because we're such burdens. Or that we're just too sensitive. They tell us God wants us to lie down for any and all abuse that anyone wants to subject us to. And we just absorb all that into our poor broken little hearts and feel more and more self-loathing. 

They throw up all kinds of red flags and then tell us to ignore them. They do shady, scary, hypocritical, immoral and illegal things and then lie and say we did them. Or that mommy and daddy (and their new people when they remarry) are right to do them. They hold us up to endless double standards. And we just believe that our parents must be special exceptions. Or we don't question at all. 

They destroy our confidence and discernment. They ruin any chance we have at living healthy lives. Any time they see us demonstrate the simplest of self-care skills they squash it like a bug. They tenderize us so we're good and malleable. They break us so that we are in constant pain and can barely move let alone resist them.  

Why would they do this? For the same reasons dark tetrads do everything. They aren't just self-centered, they are malicious. It's not enough for them to get their way. It  has to come at someone else's expense. And that is their child, 

 

 

Debunking hurtful myths about kids who go no contact with dark tetrad parents

 Hello my friends. Today I want to debunk some hurtful myths about adult children of narcissists or dark tetrads, who go low to no contact with their parents. Please be advised that this like so many of my posts on CPTSD from childhood trauma will be raw and triggering to some. All my life, I've lived with abuse (physical, sexual, emotional medical, religious and financial), neglect, endangerment, abandonment, exploitation, parentification, marginalization, exclusion from family, scapegoating, invalidation, endless shaming, bullying and  gaslighting by four narcissistic and dark tetrad parents. I've only just recently become aware of how bad it really was. Two of them have passed and I've since decided to greatly limit contact with the other two, my mom and her husband. It's one of the most challenging things I've ever done. 

And these false statements and myths about estranged parents and children don't help. They are shaming gaslighting and anyone who would say them is cruel and hurtful. Especially people who have no idea of what happened and are just looking to pontificate. Or worse yet, those who do and are covering for or enabling the dark tetrad parents. They clearly don't have our best interests at heart. I don't get what their angle is but they have one, make no mistake. So let me just  set the record straight on these wrong-headed ideas. 

1) We didn't go no contact with our parents, they left us For years they've distanced themselves unless they wanted something. They were both overly demanding and under caring of me. I always say my parents didn't divorce each other as much as they divorced me. When they got married again, it was to equally selfish, bullying people whom they allowed to do as they wished with me. And then completely cut me out of their families as a member, I was just unpaid staff. 

2) We don't go no contact, we just accept they have excluded us and we let them.  We quit holding the door open when they slam it in our faces. We quit bending over backwards to be kicked. We quit deluding ourselves and now accept the fact that they have never loved us. They just used us. 

3) We didn't end the relationship because there never was one to end. There was only a business transaction which we never agreed to and which no matter how much we kept our end of the bargain, they let theirs down. I've been paying into a bank account for 60 years that I've never been able to withdraw from. 

4) Despite all this, we don't do it lightly. Or easily Or quickly. It takes us years or decades to finally get the message. It hurts us like hell, even and especially as they never cared. That's the remorseless nature of the dark tetrad. 

5) We don't do it for retribution, vengeance, punishment or even notice. This isn't some grand gesture. It's not a Parthian shot. Or a vendetta. Just our pitiful little white flag of surrender to the inevitable. 

6) We didn't go no contact to hurt them, but to save ourselves. They are not the victims. They are perpetrators and always have been We're the battered, barmy and broken ones. Which is why, obviously, we've had to get ourselves out of their path. 

7) We don't owe anyone any justification, reasons, defense or explanation on why we are cutting contact.  They will demand these, but why should we bother explaining to tell the very people who created the problems in the first place? They know what they did and they did them on purpose. They just want to hurt us more making us detail what they did, so they can sit in judgement, tearing apart our statement, denying, lying and blame-shifting. 

8) You failing to understand is not our problem. By you, I mean anyone who would question, second-guess or criticize us. Those who don't know me or them, why are you protecting them. Those who do, I shouldn't have to tell you. You don't want to help. You just want to shame. If you really wanted to help me, you had plenty of opportunity over the years. Now the window has closed.   

9) We're not looking for closure. We've been burned enough times and have the scars to prove it, to know that that will never happen. They will never humble themselves, admit what happened or their fault in it, let alone apologize. We get it 

9) We're not looking for restitution or even apology. Because that would require the dark tetrad to admit what they have done. And they never will.  They might say the words of apology but they're insincere, said in this oh-so-holier than thou, aggrieved, self-righteous way that lets you know how very magnanimous they are for just granting you an audience. 

10) We should not "just try to work it out." That's all we've ever done and at our own expense. We've forgiven too much and none of which they were sorry for. All we did was to make excuses for them and endlessly patch things up. It will never work out because dark tetrads don't work for harmony. They demand control and have this delusional idea that they are some kind of moral authority, far above any censure. All we'll get in the process is shaming, blame-shifting, gaslighting and accusations of lying, showing off, attention-seeking. Been there, and am still trying to recovering from that. 

11) They should not be allowed "their side of the story" Because that implies that this is just some sort of disagreement between us with both parties contributing to the problem. But it's not. It's one-sided aggression. And that's all anyone has ever heard anyway, is their side. And their side is lies, deceit, manipulative story-changing, victim-pleading, blaming, distancing from accountability. We were never heard, seen, acknowledged, vindicated, or even helped by anyone, including the flying monkeys. Which is why the only alternative we had was to to go no contact. We were always only going to get their knife in our back. 

12) We should not let bygones be bygones (whatever the hell that stupid cliche means). The past trauma is not in the past though we wish it were. It lives, endlessly in our  heads and hearts because it was planted there by dark tetrads who knew exactly what they were doing. Letting it go would just ensure they continue. 

13) We have no choice. Given all this that I have said, it's clear that the options were never ours. They held all the cards. And if cornered, they just flip-flop, lie and lie again. My mother opens her eyes wide, plays the ingenue and spins a yarn a mile long about how all she's ever done, either never happened or was someone else's fault. And then she goes right back to doing it, self-satisfied that she still retains the upper hand. 

14) Not only did we never have, we never WILL have a safe, healthy relationship with dark tetrad parents. That way only leads to pain. The one and only time I confronted anything to my mother, all I got was the sucker punch confirmation of all this. It's not possible because they only love themselves and hurt you. Anything but no contact is deadly. 

15) We didn't ask for any of this. We just got landed in it. We didn't cause it and we can't control or fix it. And we don't have to. The best we can do is let go and let God. 

 

The worst hurt dark tetrad parents inflict on kids and the shocking reason they do

 Hello my friends. I just finished listening to a podcast by with Patrick Teahan and Dr. Ingrid Clayton on childhood trauma specifically from what Dr. Clayton calls "Untouchable Mothers" and I've been nodding my head so much I've got a neckache. Hearing their descriptions of abuse while sad to hear were so helpful in unpacking my own CPTSD. It made me realize what the single most painful (in an enormous heap of painful) hurt that dark tetrad parents inflict on their children. And also the shocking reason why they do it. 

It's not being cold or distant, though that certainly hurts. It's not the neglect which is horrible to live with. It's not even them making it clear that they don't love you. That is sheer torment but still not the worst (so you know it must be pretty bad.) The absolute worst abuse imaginable is when they not only hurt you but invite other people into your life who also hurt you and then turn their backs on you when you need them. Either by disbelieving, gaslighting or even weaponizing it to further their own selfish ends. Or all three. Both my parents did this and let their second partners do it as well. 

And it's not just one time they do it. They consistently kick you to the curb and hold the door for others to hurt you. And it sometimes take years or decades to realize it (59 years for me). Not because it was an isolated incident and you forgot. But precisely because they did it so routinely that it became your  normal and you got used to it. They also so thoroughly gaslit you that you were making it up or showing off that you doubted yourself and buried it deep in your poor wounded little heart.

And I believe that the shocking, terrible reason they betray you and allow you to be hurt is the most disgusting of all. And the hardest for a child to cope with. Some us fail miserably. The reason is that they were always going to disbelieve and shame you and take the other person's part. Because they know full well what's going on. I don't believe for a moment that parents whose partners hurt their children are blind to it nor are they the innocent party here. And they prove it when they blame the child for reporting it. Some even blame the child when they catch them in flagrante. 

But we don't understand this as children because we can't allow ourselves to. We rely on these people for our very lives. So how can we ever accept that they would betray us? Our minds can't handle that much pain. So we absorb it deep into ourselves, paste a smile on our scared, scarred faces and carry on, shipshape and Bristol fashion. Which suits our persecutors perfectly. It gives them even more fuel to continue abusing, endangering and exploiting because we've essentially taken all the blame on ourselves. 

Having said all that, I do think on some level we knew that mommy or daddy was never going to help us. That they were always going to hurt us. And I think we also know that mommy and daddy know and approve. That they have actually orchestrated it from the beginning. That's why we don't say anything. Because we're afraid that our fears will be confirmed. We let them gaslight us into disbelieving ourselves and taking shame and blame on ourselves. (which is contradictory of course. If  it didn't happen there's no need to blame. And their blame-shifting proves that it did happen and that our parents are blame. That it is in fact, their fault we are in this mess. Because, and let me be very clear about this

THEY INVITED THE PERPETRATOR IN KNOWING FULL WELL WHAT HE OR SHE WOULD DO TO US. THEY GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT, QUID PRO QUO. They have pimped out their child either actually or metaphorically. They are participating in the abuse even if they just turn a blind eye. And yes I feel as nauseated saying this as you do reading it. 

At the mildest level, they use their child as a shield against their partner's wrath. They scapegoat the child and pit their partner against the child to save themselves. They chain her to these demanding, selfish people because they are too weak, lazy or selfish to do it themselves. That was my dad. When he realized what a handful his new wife was going to be, he fed me to her and their kids, to placate their voracious greed, dusted his hands and went on his way doing his own thing, problem solved. 

That's the less bad but still awful to live with version. At the blacker end, where extra 90% cacao dark tetrads live, the parent purposefully brings dangerous people in specifically because they are dangerous. Because the dark tetrad is also dangerous, entitled, impulsive, thrill-seeking, twisty, manipulative and sadistic and feels sexy about all that. 

She plays the Love's Baby Soft ingenue, all the while stabbing her daughter in the back and pretending not to notice she's holding the knife. She triangulates the child into the vertex so now both can fire on the kid. She lies to and machinates against both the child and her halfwit boyfriend. She eggs the creep on to do creepy things, sits back and cackles at how clever she is, getting them both to dance to her tune.  

Then SHE cries victim. For all she cheered on her daughter getting hurt, she's quick to attack when she gets hurt. Which is usually invented. No one dares hurt the dominatrix. But still all hands are wringing for her, because we care a lot more about adults hurting adults than them hurting children. She knows this and does she exploit it. She plays people off each other like cards. Each has his role in her shitshow. She paints her child, parents, siblings, boyfriend, everyone else the villain, herself the wounded heroine. Daughter believes her because she loves mommy. She keeps her hurt backstage because it's all about  mother. She's the star. And no one stops to notice that mother is also directing the show. 

Why does mother do all this? God only knows. Probably because dark tetrads love power and goodies and attention and they love it best when they make someone else suffer to get them. It's the ultimate BDSM orgasm.  At least I presume. I don't know for sure. They are so effing disturbing that I hate even thinking about their motives. 

But I think the lady doth protest too much. And I also think people are starting to catch on that she's not quite the genuine article. That she's played us all for suckers. Fat lot of good that does little Marilisa now, however. 

Nonsensical stuff boomer parents actually tell their kids (with a straight face!)

Hi friends. If you said that my past few months of posts have been dark, I would say AF! And today's is pretty grim too except that I'm going to try to make it funny. Think rubber crutch and orthopedic ward funny. Or comedy noir. 👺I'm going to share nonsensical, what-the-actual-did-he-just-say stuff boomer parents actually tell their kids, with a straight face. Not just dark tetrads parents, normal people. Although the dark tetrad, blamey-shamey faux Christian spin certainly adds whipped cream and cherry to the nutsy-cuckoo sundae. The clinical term for it is word salad😕. I'm not sure why but I love this phrase. 

Do as we say not as we do. Raise your hand if you heard this hypocritical gem as a kid. Picture dad chain smoking and paddling Junior for sneaking a cigarette. Talk about phoning it in!  Daddy dearest can do whatever stupid thing he wants but it's okay cuz he told the kid not to. Huh. What does that even mean? And why would I do what you say when you say bullshit you don't live by???? And I don't think you really want me to do what you say because you say some pretty idiotic stuff. 

Shut your damned dirty mouth.  Ummm...pot, kettle? A supervisor once told my husband to "shut the F-ck up" when husband said what the hell about something. Sooo, cursing at someone for cursing. I feel like one of those cartoon characters doing a "doi-oi-oi-oi-oink" double take. 

At your age, we never had all that technology! Um, excuse me but movies were around by 1900s, most everyone had a radio by 1925. And TV by the late 1940s. So unless you were born when Victoria was queen you had technology. 

We played outside back then. Maybe but you also watched endless hours of TV. You can quote entire episodes of Hogan's Heroes and Hee Haw. 

We knew the meaning of hard work. You knew it but did you actually do it? Cuz I don't think I've seen you out of your La-Z-Boy since 1979. I think you're getting bed sores. Are those roots I see growing under you? You call me in from my room down the hall to fetch you a beer from the fridge two paces away. 

We knew the value of a dollar. Yeah, my dollar. And this from the person always short of cash and borrowing money. 

Back in my day, times were so much better. Oh please, stop talking like you lived in Mayberry RFD. Nobody lived in Mayberry! You're younger than I am and I remember 16.9% unemployment, couldn't get a job at McDonald's. And it might have been great if you were a white male. The rest of us, less so. 

Back then women knew their place. We still do, in the house, senate, presidency and at the CEO's desk. 

Women steal men's jobs. Is that why you've been living off your girlfriend since 1982? Can't get a  job or won't, I wonder. 

Back then you didn't have to be so afraid of being accused of sexual harassment. I'll just let that one marinate. 

So just a few nuggets to facepalm over. 

KLUVUBI

Biblical Commands that don't apply to kids of dark tetrad parents

Hi friends. Today in my quest to  heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parent abuse, I'm going to share some helps that will seem to fly in the face of Christian principles. I believe that some Bible commands don't apply to those of us with CPTSD, or actually anyone under certain circumstances. And if you want to shout "heresy" and run screaming, feel free. I'm not seeking permission or validation anymore. I want to help those of us who have survived parental abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, exploitation, scapegoating, enmeshment, triangulation, shaming, invalidation, gaslighting and all the other crap these dark parents wreak on us. 

I know, from having lived with four Christian dark tetrads who weaponized scripture, there's no one more abusive than religious narcissist parents. They sabotaged everything for us, including our relationship with God, to further their own ends. They made themselves gods and not like the God. They are punitive, spiteful, malicious, malignant and wicked. They proclaim to serve God but embrace evil, then blame others for their bad behavior. Everything is upside down, inside out and messed up for children of dark tetrads. Rules of loving parents didn't apply to us. We lived with hypocritical double standards. They placed burdens and expectations on us they didn't live by. Everything we learned was bass ackwards. We learned to serve them, not God. And (here's the big part)

Consequently, we can't be held to common Biblical principles. Let alone should be. Here are some of my new rules for us kids of dark tetrads. 

You CAN serve too much, so don't. We're told to give ourselves wholeheartedly to serve and we who lived under regimen of dark tetrad parents did and do. But it's to no avail with dark tetrads who are black holes and never satisfied. We were groomed and prostituted out to hurtful people. We were also told by them that letting people walk on us and abuse us was God's will. It's not. It's THEIR will cloaked as God's. And God says to have no other gods before Him. We have to learn to serve God's way which IS NOT hurtful but healthy. But we have no clue how to do this because we've been indoctrinated in the dark tetrad as God cult. 

Scripture is written to them NOT to them to tell you. You'll hear a lot pedantic gaslighting nonsense from self-righteous, arrogant people about what the Bible says you're supposed to do. As if you can't read for yourself. And they are often doing the things they preach against and not doing what they say God says to do. Because they get order of operations wrong. They klep right past any personal responsibility and jump right to the dictating of rules. Right past the board removal to the speck microscope. Scripture wasn't written for them to preach to others. It is written to each of us to obey as God calls him or her. 

You don't need to go through parents to get to God. No child needs a parent to mediate between him and God and especially not a child of narcissists. Dark tetrads like to insert themselves where they don't belong and to take control in things they have no jurisdiction over. They gaslight us into thinking we need them to translate for, pontificate to or preach at us. And that's the last thing we need is more of their self-centered agenda.  What we needed but didn't get was loving parents to show us God's love. Instead we got terrible role models who used and abused us. 

You don't and shouldn't follow dark tetrad parents. Part of their selfishness is to play both ends for the middle. They set an awful example of irresponsible, childish, neglect. They abuse power and exploit their children and yet arrogantly expect to dictate how the child will behavior. They want the perks without the work (well, if you consider the perks of parenting getting to boss someone around. Good parents don't.) But they don't get it both ways. They gave that up that right the moment they claimed it the rights of parenthood without the responsibility. When they exploited and took advantage of you for their own selfish ends instead of caring for you. 

Follow God not them.  We're supposed to be able to follow our parents as they will lead us to God. But dark tetrads don't. They lead you astray. So don't do as they say or do. For best results, do the opposite of what they say.  Dark tetrads only get in the way and mess it up when they insert themselves because their motives are selfish not Godly. Their adjudicating, approval or disapproval of us, is out of line. That's God's job. Which again, they usurp for themselves. We are called to live for God and to teach by example. 

You can tell God when you've had too much. My dark tetrad parents told me it was wicked to tell God "I can't." He would decide when enough was enough. They mucked up the part about Him  not giving us  more that we can bear not as the comfort it was meant as but more shame. Translation: WE will decide how much is too much and there's never enough you can do or we can put on you. Serving us is serving God. Nope. Again they're playing God. 

Disobeying immoral rules is actually okay. In fact, you should. They will blame and shame you for "disobedience" to them as if it was disobedience to God. And they're supposed to be synonymous but  it's not with narcissistic parents. They tell you to sin or make you do dangerous things to follow God. But they purpose is to get you to follow their bad example. This is what the Bible means by leading a child astray and there's a millstone their name on it in store for those who do. So when you refuse to  honor them as God you're obeying Him. You're also actually helping them to hopefully stop their pridefully playing God and humble themselves. 

You have to figure it out for yourself. My parents were always on me about not "leaning on my own understanding." And what he meant wasn't to listen to God but him. My dad would scoff that God actually talked to me if it didn't line up with his laundry list of expectations for me. And he further confused me by not caring two hoots about me only what I should be doing for them. So that's exactly what I had to do if I wanted to really serve and obey God and avoid this circus freak show they called family. I had to figure it out myself. I had to try to decide how to serve two masters, God and dad. And that's a bitch of thing to make a kid do. I just gave up and did whatever they said, no matter how crazy and hurtful it was, because it was easier and safer. 

You do not have to honor dishonorable parents. They're always on about being and deserving honor, but they don't live or give respect. They don't honor their own parents. They just demand. They also don't respect their children. They use and exploit them. Dark tetrads also forget the part about not angering or frustrating your children nor being a millstone around her neck. They also define "respect" and "honor" unBiblically. They twist honor, respect and obey into bow and scrape, be subservient, worship, allow me to hurt you, turn a blind eye to my sinful ways. I'm going to start a new post on this because it's crucial. 

You don't have to honor their new spouses as parents. That's one of the biggest scams in history. They will spin it like any new person they drag home is your new parent and they get to boss you around too. But they aren't and can't. And the Bible backs me up on this. Just because they find someone new, does NOT make them your parent. You have two only. You don't OWE your parents anything and certainly not their new spouses, especially if they are arrogant, hateful, vicious and nasty like mine were. It is good to be kind because it's good for you. Being a doormat is good for no one. 

You don't have to bear one another's burdens because they say to. This Bible injunction is greatly exploited by dark tetrads who use it against already too empathic people. especially their kids. You are not their fall guy, sex therapist, counselor, lawyer, whipping girl or toxic waste dump. They are required to help you bear your burdens, especially those they put on you but they don't. They give you a list of tasks they don't help with. They don't ask for help, they demand it but don't give it in return, even to vulnerable children who can't survive without  their help. My new rule says you can choose who, when and how to help other people but on your own terms and how it feels right to you. Trust yourself. You're wise enough to do this. You don't owe them help just because they demand it. And if they are expecting, guilting and shaming, they don't need it, they just  feel entitled to it. And if they haven't given to you, it completely voids the command. It begins with the parent doing for the child, not the other way around. 

You can and should count the cost of your giving. When Jesus was speaking about this, it was to selfish, narcissistic, arrogant dark tetrads (Pharisees) who hoarded their ill-gotten wealth and didn't freely give. However, commands like this are used by these very people against their victims to force them into perpetual servitude and then are never satisfied and always complaining and criticizing. If the victim objects she's accused of not giving freely, by people who never give to her without strings attached. They don't want you to give to other people, just them and their people. And they give to no one. 

You can decide who, what, when, where and how to obey, help or be generous to. It is not someone else's place to dictate to you what you  must give to them. Or how you are to obey God. Anyone that does this is proving that he or she is manipulative, exploitative and greedy. God doesn't tell them to tell you what to do. God speaks to each person individually not through a translator who perverts the gospel to her purpose. Again, trust that God is leading you. 

You should expect in return. Selfish dark tetrads will gaslight you with this all the time with their constant gimmes and takees. They never give without expectation and not even then much. You just keep on paying out like a broken slot machine. And they gleefully grab up all you pay out and stand their with their hands open for more. If you stop paying out or suggest they might actually pay,  they accuse you of being selfish. But reciprocity is the basis of healthy relationships. One person doing all the manual labor, giving, helping, supporting while the other  just takes goes against God and common sense. 

You don't have to forgive endlessly. Dark tetrads will gaslight you with this one too. Yet they are the most unforgiving, grudge-holding, resentful people on the planet. And they aren't sorry for what they do. They excuse, defend and blame-shift onto you, all manner of wrong. They will use up their 490 chances and keep demanding more. Actually all your forgiveness (as in turning a blind eye and saying it's okay) is just further license for them to keep hurting. So you forgiving is a stumbling block to them humbling themselves and repenting. Learn the true definition of forgiveness which is accept that it  happened and be done.   

You don't have to be all things to all people all the time. Oh the many levels of suffering dark tetrads heap on their victims with this one. My dad who was nothing to no one save himself would torture me with all the ways God expected me to do and be everything and how I was failing. I made myself sick trying please him. I still suffer from the actual injury it caused. But you can't no matter how  hard you try. And you shouldn't because playing performing circus monkey isn't good for them or you. It just perpetuates entitlement and arrogance. You be you. And if that's not good enough, move on. 

You don't have to rush to do good, especially when you don't know what good is or if it harms you. The Bible tells us to be quick about doing good and reaching out. And of course this is a a great practice. Except when it's not. And that is when you are being TOLD to do something good instead of shown. When only you have to do it. Or when this "good doing" doesn't feel good at all. When doing good for someone else is causing you terrible pain. Because...

You don't have to do the right thing because someone says it's right. Dark tetrads are very good at knowing what is the "right thing" for other people to do. And piss poor about doing it. For two reasons: they don't know themselves. They just make it up to further their agenda, as they go. And they really don't want you or anyone to do good because then that will show up their evilness for what it is. You do right that feels right, not what a narcissist with selfish aims tells you is right. Take it from a girl who got herself into seven levels of hell following the dictates of wrong people. 

You don't have to and should not give till it hurts. Scriptures like this so damned twisted by dark, evil people against vulnerable people, like children. When in fact the people Jesus said this to were the dark hypocritical, exploitative, deceitful "white washed sepulchers"  themselves who selfishly hoarded and denied help to those really in need. In my case, those people where my  parents and stepparents. They made me give and give and I did because I am a giving person. And all they did was take, destroy, find fault, demand more. And all I got was hurt and shoved in  it.  There was not even basic care in childhood let alone any kind of reciprocity. I was so  hurt that I developed a sort of emotional leprosy or nerve damage in which I couldn't feel how much they were hurting me until it was too late. 

No pain no gain. This unmitigated horseshit isn't even in the Bible but dark tetrads spout it against people, like it's gospel. And yet to they suffer pain? No way. They want everything easy and comfortable. God gives us pain for a reason and it isn't for our gain. It's to protect us. And to warn us that something (or someone) is dangerous and hurting us! When we burn our finger on the stove, it hurts and we pull it away. Sadly children of dark tetrads have had their hands held in the fire so much that we are nothing but scar tissue. We were told it was selfish and disobedience to God to pull our hands away. And we've gained nothing except suffering while the dark tetrads got the treats retrieved by our poor little burned cats' paws.  

You don't have to do for other people what they can do for themselves. It's funny how my dark tetrad parents are always pratting about having a personal relationship with God. And then they expect everyone else (mostly me) to carry the can for them, do the heavy lifting, shovel the shit. I was supposed to be their scapegoat, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent, parent, servant and savior. They blame-shift, feign helplessness and use people like tools and props. They are always on about what God expects others to do for them. Which is just gaslighting hogwash.  Nowhere in the Bible or in common sense does it say we have to do for others what they can and should do for themselves. We aren't supposed to. That is enabling. 

You should not do anything because someone says you should. Yes I know the scripture about walking two miles if someone tells you to walk one with them. But again, that is weaponized by dark tetrads against kids. They make the kid think God is telling her to do whatever others tell her. But He's not. God is telling THEM to care for their child, to model safe, healthy and kind behavior. They are expressly forbidden to tell without show. That is being the proverbial millstone. They don't teach by example. They don't even help the child do all they expect. The example they set is to exploit, backstab, neglect, abuse and destroy. Every single time I've heard someone quote that scripture at someone, it's to guilt them into doing something unsafe.  

Yes, you should interpret for yourself. You should lean on your own understanding as opposed to other HUMANS understanding. For too long now, we (especially women and children) have been TOLD what to do by people who inserted themselves as God. We've been made to cede common sense them (along with allegiance and devotion which belongs only to God). We've been told it's wicked to translate scripture for ourselves. And yet that's exactly what they do. Only they don't preach to themselves, only other people. And the Bible itself says to work out your salvation with fear and trembling (humility) FOR YOURSELF. We were given brains, conscience, reason for that reason. And even if what they are preaching is correct, you still get to read, explore and interpret it for yourself. And if you come to a different conclusion, keep searching, asking and questioning. Don't automatically discard your own understanding because it is a gift from God. 

Servanthood is demonstrated not told. My goodness the way dark tetrads exploit this scripture is just plain heresy. They yammer on about God telling everyone else to be a servant to all and they personally serve no one. And they don't want us to actually serve mankind because that would take us away from being their exclusive slave. It took my almost 60 years to get how indoctrinated in their cult I was and how none of these four people ever served, not even their vulnerable children. 

The thing these scriptures have in common is that they are more honoured in the breach than the observance. Or more accurately, they are preached AT people rather than demonstrated. They are misquoted to shame, coerce, confuse, gaslight or browbeat someone into doing something for them. Which is my biggest contention with preaching of scripture, period.  And God's too. I think the preaching of scripture is often the way it is perverted and misused. It's words without deeds. St. Francis says to preach always and once in a great while,  use words. 

My would-be preacher mother once attended church with us (never again she was such a bombastic, irreverent showoff it was humiliating). The homily reflected confronting people in their sin. Mother was all about that and was waxing eloquent about how we should boldly tell people off. I said I didn't think that was the point. Either of the homily or the scripture it was based on. But that we are to live our lives in such a way that we SHOW good. We are to get the board out of ours, and only then deal with someone else's splinter. And she said (this could have come directly from the narc handbook) But if I have to always be looking at what I'm doing first, when DO I get to tell people what to do?" And thereby showed her real agenda. 

And it proves my point on which I'll go toe to toe with anyone. What God  means by the things He says aren't always the way we want to interpret it, especially if we are purposely misleading others for  arrogant, entitled, selfish, manipulative or cruel reasons. If beating people over the head with their sins, and failing to confess our own sin, is our aim, then we are not doing God's will. Even just beating them over the head is bad enough. He's clear about that. GOD IS LOVE, MERCY, KINDNESS, GENTLENESS. We are to be humble servants. 

Some final thoughts for "Christian" dark tetrads. And this is from Jesus. I'm just passing them along. You need to quit preaching and start living these commands. They are written to you. In fact, shut your mouth and open your ears and heart. Humble yourself. Preach to yourself. Remember, a tree is known by its fruit and if all you're growing is selfishness and harm, beware. If  you're sowing seeds of anger, resentment, frustration, bitterness, know that you will reap what you sow. 

How divorced, remarried Christian narcissists gaslight their OG kid and disobey God

Hi friends. I've written about this before but it needs repeating louder for those in the back. What got me started down this path to heal CPTSD from dark tetrad parents was some posts on Reddit. Kids were asking on AITA about ridiculous, selfish and over demanding expectations their divorced and remarried parents were putting on them regarding stepparents and their "new" families. And then telling  them that this was as per God! I was horrified to read that 1) this was me and 2) these shitty lies were still being perpetuated by parents on their  kids, 50 years later. 

So to heal, we need to look at what God himself has to say about parents, remarriage, divorce, etc. God has made Himself clear about divorce (He hates it) God has made himself even clearer about dark tetrad (selfish, arrogant, entitled manipulative) parents who divorce and remarry and then weaponize it against their kids.  It is an abomination. End of. Because there are so many ways they lie, cheat, distort, twist and gaslight kids about what the Bible has to say about divorce, remarriage and stepparents. They do this to God and to their kids. But God will not be mocked, so beware dark tetrads. 

Just for shits and giggle, I've been looking up on Google to see what supposedly Christian people are saying about divorce, parents and stepparents. And wow, there's a tonne of nonsense. So much is said about how kids are called to respect their parents and how that includes stepparents. How a kid should be obedient to everyone including anyone who their parents call parent--or just the live-in boyfriend or girlfriend de jour. Maybe I'm just jaded by all I went through at the hands of my parents and their live-ins and spouses, but I can't be the only one who sees the problems here. 

For one thing, I also can't be the only one whose step-parents were abusive, neglectful, exploitative and nasty. People who are allowed and encouraged by the parents to abuse them?? I know I'm not. Why then would anyone put even more pressure on a kid to obey these awful people? And pardon me, but the Bible does not sanction this because the Bible (Jesus, God) doesn't sanction DIVORCE in the first place!! 

Oh you'll hear about how that was then and this is now. How God is actually approving of divorce and remarriage. That's just lying gaslighting hogwash made up by people looking to defend their choices as being godly. You'll read from these people how God doesn't address step-parents because, well they can't give a good reason. But I can. He doesn't address them because He doesn't go for divorce or remarriage! It's not part of his plan. And yet these self-centered people would have you believe it's fine and dandy with Him. 

My conservative, evangelical, rightwing nut, Bible beater parents were all over this. For themselves. For others it was sinful. They tried to gaslight away adultery, abandonment of me, fornication, living in sin (as it was called then), divorce, remarriage. It's okay, we weren't meant for each other, God understands and forgives. yada yada. We can hook up with new people and start all over fresh. Which included excluding me, except oh wait, you still need to do the heavy lifting. 

And of course God does forgive people divorcing who are sorry. And who tried their best.  And He helps them. And there are marriages that aren't safe or which are adulterous. And some second marriages can be healthy IF all the children are loved. But He can't forgive or heal those who make excuses for themselves because they aren't sorry or repentant. They're just bored and want to try someone else. And they just want vindication. And they prove that by the way they glibly defend it, dump it on their child caught up in the divorce and offer her no help. 

They shame her for crying and tell her she's lucky, it could be worse?? So she feels guilty for feeling sad. And confused by their baffling gaslighting. And then they foist new people on her, calling them her parents They bullshit her that God expects her to obey, serve, kowtow to these people who they are letting hurt and abuse her. Directly contradicting a number of God's laws. 

But the Bible doesn't stutter. God categorically does not approve divorce. He doesn't give exemptions except for infidelity. He does allow remarriage after adultery but if you have children, they come first. They are your first responsibility. The Bible warns that failing children is failing your faith. So obviously, this new person must care for your children and help raise them. All I ever heard was what was expected of me. But then, dark tetrads are much more interested in what they're "owed" than in what they owe. 

And the new spouse is certainly not supposed to hurt the children. And the parent is not to let them. They're aren't to sexually harass, abandon, endanger, threaten, evict, intimidate, mock, overburden, exploit, enslave, steal from, cheat, neglect or scapegoat her. Scripture says, whatever you do to the least of his brethren you do to God. So if you injure her, you injure God.  

If you marry again, while your first spouse lives, you're disobeying God. (John the Baptist). And please, let's not call it remarriage like it's the first or only one. You don't get do-overs. And you may have your fancy new family but what about your first child?  You blew her world apart. She can never fully be part of either family. She is homeless, her home being broken up. And let's please not talk like you were the injured party or the only injured one here. You have a new partner. New kids. New family. She has no one.  She's the divorced child, the abandoned, neglected, left-out, cheated-on one. 

Yes, I'm writing from personal experience. Yes this is how it was for me.  If you have managed divorce and second marriage healthier for the kids, I'm happy for you. But it still doesn't change any of these facts. The child is the biggest loser in all of this. Whatever you've been through, you're the adult. She is the child with no say in any of it. So less of the self-pity and more help for her, if you please. 

And for God's sake, don't you dare demand that she just accept all this that you shoved on her without so much as a word of comfort or help. You cannot just make it up as you go along. You may have gotten married, had kids, etc. She doesn't have a new anyone, let alone you. Don't you dare expect her to just jump right in to your little fantasy and play along. But you damned well better expect your new spouse to include, parent and respect her. It begins with the adults. 

If you bring more kids into it, good luck to you. God doesn't go for that either. And that's if you're good and kind to all the children. You're still skating on thin ice. And that's not so common. What is common is favoritism of the second marriage kids and neglect of the first. And that is, under no circumstances part of God's plan. You don't get to delete your first child just because she doesn't fit in your little cloud kuckoosheim. Your new family isn't your real or only family where the OG kid is an interloper. If anyone is the interloper it's the new people. Just saying. 

And then there's this bullshit gaslighting game they play where they set up all these expectations God supposedly has for the child of their first marriage. They drum honor your parents into her head. But they don't honor theirs. And they don't earn respect And they aren't respectful and the new people aren't the parents. 

Dark tetrads also forget the part about not angering your children nor being a millstone around her neck. Like by forcing new people on her as masters whom she must serve. By not helping her adjust. By just demanding more and more.  They also define "respect" and "honor" unBiblically. They twist honor, respect and obey into bow and scrape, be subservient, worship, allow me to hurt you, turn a blind eye to my sinful ways, obey my new spouse like he's God. 

The "Stepparent Scam" is one of the biggest in history.  How could they even be your parents? You only have two. They may act parent-like and the child may in time come to respect and love them like family. But that's not good enough for the dark tetrads. You have to hit the ground running obeying them like taskmasters. And mother and father don't even expect these new people to treat the child reasonably let alone kindly. The kid becomes the cat's paw, scapegoat, fail-safe, stop-gap, body block in their sham of a marriage. Every bad or stupid or nasty or ugly thing they do back to bite me. It was like I was the child, the adult, the parent and the partner for them all. 

Is it any wonder that I'm a mess?