Dealing with immature adult behavior by relearning childhood trauma responses

 Hello my friends! I'm on vacation visiting seven of our 12 grandchildren. My partner doesn't do vacations well at the best of times. The addition of a lot of clamoring children doesn't help. Don't get me wrong. He's hard-working, loving and good with the kids. He does not do stress well. And as we all know vacations are one big stress package deal. Which he has gotten accustomed to leaving me to deal with. And then often whining, yes actually pouting and throwing a tantrum like a petulant preteen about choices and decisions he has left me to make. Or about circumstances beyond my control that I'm trying to fix under pressure. Like a flight delay and having to decide whether to get on another flight to avoid missing a connection. 

He weaponizes incompetence, pretending not to have heard people or understand what they are talking about. And then demands that I explain to him slowly in teeny tiny baby steps using the voice I would use for a child and being completely patient with him. All while trying to navigate airline customer support, waiting on hold, trying to understand them, dealing with unhelpful gate agents, switching flights and then gates, figuring out boarding passes etc.  He gets petulant with me over gate agent's intractable or rude behavior but doesn't address them. He claims to be upset with her but takes it out on me and is sweet as pie to her. 

He whines that he "doesn't get it" and then demands that I go over it again. He interrupts to ask stupid questions (yes there are stupid questions) as I'm on the phone trying to sort the mess out.  I don't understand what the hell I am doing let alone being capable of explaining it to him who goes out of his way to be obtuse, decrying technology and how things were better in the olden days. Of which he knows nothing because he was never in an airport when he was young let alone on an airplane. 

Then factor in them not sending us a boarding pass and the nasty gate agent refusing to give me one when I can prove to her that I have tickets. She tells me to just get in the wait to get it sorted line while she is literally boarding the plane we are supposed to be on. She is clearly not dealing with the people in line which is for people who don't have tickets who  are just trying to get on this plane and who won't let us in line to just get the freaking boarding pass because they want our seats. Husband obediently does as gate agent says and yells at me to also get in her "go nowhere" line. As the plane flies off without us. Fortunately or not, I'm loudmouthed and keep pestering till another gate agent comes over, sees we have tickets, prints them as she's telling him not to let anyone else on. We make it just as the gates are about to close. (I did permit myself a smirk of satisfaction to hear him scolding her as we scoot past for not helping us.)

This happened to several of us by the way. We only got on this second flight because I don't back down. At least six people were left in the same predicament as the plane flew away. And husband is still nagging me to ask what we are supposed to do as I'm almost dragging him down the loading tunnel. And is still arguing with me. As if he knows anything all about what is going on. He who has paid no attention, stuck his head in the sand and feigned ignorance, who loudly proclaimed that he doesn't get it and harassed me to keep explaining it when he has no intention of trying to understand, is perfectly confident to quarrel with me about how to handle it. We probably would still be sitting at the airport a week later if it were up to him. LOL. 

When we finally get on the plane, he's suddenly all rosy sunshine because he got his way. He got to act like a entitled, spoiled brat and Mommy fixed it for him. There were no consequences for his actions. His happy ass was  not left sitting at the airport as his behavior warranted (and has warranted in times past). And not only that he got to preen himself that he was actually helpful because he asked ex post facto, if he could do anything to help. After being a completely useless thorn in my side who only made a terrible situation worse. 

So that is just one example narcissistic and immature adult behavior which would be difficult enough to deal with. But add to it that I was raised by narcissistic dark tetrad parents who behaved immaturely and irresponsibly toward me. Who parentified me and made me as a child take care of them, their new partners after they divorced and their new kids, as if I were the parent. In short, I'm used to catering to selfish,  manipulative, arrogant, demanding, backstabbing childish adults. I default to placating, humoring and fixing everyone's self-made problems. And am punished for the privilege. 

So, now, where does that leave me now. Still humoring and placating. Still solving their problems. It's all I know. And I gaslit myself because they have gaslit me, that I'm letting everyone down if I don't wait on them hand and foot. That I'm a worthless, nuisance failure unless I'm serving. And even all the serving and caregiving isn't good enough because they are so demanding, lazy and entitled that nothing ever satisfies them. They made me believe that there's always room for improvement when I was doing something. They found fault with every choice I  made. They instructed and pontificated on shit they knew nothing about. They said I was attention-seeking if I asked for approval (which was never forthcoming). They groomed me to think they owed me nothing. That I was the one being selfish if I expected basic care that all children need, from them. That I owed them everything. The double standards were off the charts outrageous. 

And I brought all those dysfunctional-in-normal-life but critical for survival of chaotic life trauma responses with me. I kept on placating, humoring and caregiving adults. And husband got very used to expecting it. So does this  mean I brought this on myself. That I showed him how to treat me and he's just doing what I allow? No. Healthy, kind adults don't treat people badly no matter how much the person might be willing to allow. Healthy, kind adults feel empathy and compassion for abused traumatized people and treat them better than they've come to expect because of it. Adults take responsibility for their actions and choices. They do not blame-shift, find fault with, manipulate and take advantage of others' generosity or care. They help other people be their best selves. They do not do things that trigger harmful coping responses of others. 

And that is what my husband does. Maybe without realizing it, I don't know. But he exploits all my weaknesses and pokes all my sore spots when the mood strikes.  I will say at his worst he's never been as bad as what they were at their best. And if you thought, after reading the airport nightmare that they must have been pretty bad, you would be right. Because he, at some point, will realize that how awful his behavior and admit it and they never did. He's never cruel or nasty. But that doesn't make it any easier. Because regardless, he is still taking advantage of me and causing me to respond in ways he knows I will to give him what he wants.  

But I also can't wait for someone else to stop being demanding, manipulating and exploiting me. I have to find a way to stop trauma responding, accepting unacceptable behavior, humoring adults like children and enabling him to continue. If he won't treat me better, I have to treat me better. Having said all that, I'm not entirely sure how to do that. I think it begins with allowing logical consequences and not being a human bumper. And ignoring the whining and just carrying on doing what I believe is best. If he makes a fool of himself, I can't help it. I think I need to stop JADE-justifying, arguing, defending and explaining. 

I need to accept that just because he asks a question doesn't mean I have to have an answer or even give one. I get to choose what I do just as others choose what they do. I don't  have to be perfect to compensate for others' atrocious behavior. If he doesn't like it, oh well. I can't  help that.  Just because he needs something doesn't mean I have to provide it unless it is in my best interests also and not just to keep the peace. There will never be peace with people like this. And peace at any price is no peace at all.  I have to do me.  I have to take care of  myself. I  have to help myself. If in so doing it helps someone else, fine. But this helping others by hurting myself, this giving away too much and receiving too little, must stop. I don't know how but  it has too because I can't, won't and should not tolerate any more. It is death by a thousand cuts. 

Healing relationships by rooting out CPTSD triggers from dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hello my friends! I have some good news to share from the healing CPTSD front. I got in a fight with my husband. LOL so how's that good news, you're asking. It's a step forward for me because I realized that it was triggered by memories of abuse by my narcissistic dark tetrad parents. And by rooting out those triggers, I was able to understand how I completely misunderstood what my husband was saying. I heard his words as my dad and mom, stepmom and stepdad would have said them which was harsh, judgmental, hypocritical and shaming. 

I realize that I have done this all throughout our time together. I have played out the childhood trauma drama on the stage of our relationship because it was safer than dealing with my perpetrator parents. I  have allowed (maybe even forced) myself to think that the problems were with me and husband by association because that's what my parents always said. They found all kinds of fault with me and then when I married, us. There was constant criticism and little affirmation. I see now that this was to keep me focused on my failings (real or invented) and then hypervigilant and anxious. And not paying attention to how awful they were to me. Also husband was safer to fight with.  He loves me,  has my best interests at heart and wants unity. We are evenly matched. They didn't want the best for me. They were enmeshed, arrogant, self-centered, exploitative, sadistic and cruel bullies. 

It was never a fair fight with them. They backstabbed, ambushed, humiliated, blame-shifted, manipulated, triangulated, scapegoated and punished. I know that  NOW. I didn't then. I just thought I was the fault and they were right to do any abusive thing they wanted. So I just gave in and let them. And so today, I'm exploring how critical it is in healing both CPTSD and relationship issues, to source and examine the narcissistic dark tetrad parents abuse triggers. 

So in the recent fight, my husband and I were discussing some political issues. I made a statement of beliefs which my husband has also made. But he seemed to immediately contradict them when I said it and then scold me for saying it. Like it was okay for him to do and say these things but not me. That's what I heard because that is exactly how my parents and their partners have always treated me: with scorn, derision and shaming for things I said or did. EVEN things they themselves said and did. 

If I did something "wrong" (which I have to put in quotes because I'm not sure now if it was wrong or just them saying it was to humiliate me) they would seize on it and make a federal case out of it. They would publicly mock and embarrass me. They looked for things to criticize me for. They lied and said I did things I didn't. Even though they did the same things to me. I was blamed, belittled and attacked for things they approved their other kids doing. There were two very different sets of rules and the double standards were off the charts. 

So when my  husband seemed to do this to me it felt very familiar. Not comfortable mind you. It set off all the old feelings of shame, frustration, confusion, self-disgust and anxiety. And some new ones that I'd only just recognized as always being there but  not being safe to show: righteous anger, resentment and exasperation. I told him I'm sick of being told off, told I'm wrong all the time. I'm not a child who needs discipline. I've had enough of being patronized, condescended to, purposely misunderstood. I'm tired of my motives being questioned and undermined, of what I say being twisted.  I've had it with being corrected, like I'm too stupid to think for myself or hold my own ideas. Especially when I'm saying the same thing he is. 

And then it hit me. That's exactly what I want to say to these people who call themselves my parents. It's not him, it's them. I have had enough of their nonsense for a long time now. I hate how it's made me a cringing, fearful, groveling people pleaser. I loathe how it's robbed my confidence, identity and self-esteem. I despise how all their shaming has rendered me unable to protect myself. And I thought, enough is enough. It ends here. 

And then that led me to realize how I've often misunderstood him because I'm so accustomed to being  mistreated. I'm used to being second-guessed, blamed, faulted, set up, betrayed and used. I realized that I'm used to it because it happened all the time. It's all I know and I just expect it. When I stopped to re-examine what he actually said, I was shocked at how wrong I'd gotten it. He was saying just the opposite of what I thought. I had cut him off because I just couldn't take one more hypocritical attack. Once I let him explain it all made perfect sense. He was agreeing and affirming me but since criticism is all I know, I just assumed he was faulting me too. And sadly but also somewhat happily I see that I've done this all our life. I'm happy I finally got it but sad it took me 43 years to do so. Such is the brain damage of CPTSD.  

Things we were told were wrong but which are right to do when we're overwhelmed

Hi friends. I was working in my garden today and suddenly I felt overwhelmed, overheated, exhausted and defeated. The weeds seemed too much. The ants are riding herd. And I felt done in. So today, maybe for the first time ever, I did something the voices in my head say is wrong but felt right. I quit. I went in the house, sat in the cool and decided to compose a post for us on things we've been told are wrong but which are actually helpful things to do when we're at our wits end. 

Quit. Holler "Uncle!!" Give up and give in to the helplessness. Surrender. We've been told that quitting is the coward's way. That giving up is makes us weak. That halting is being lazy and selfish. That surrendering is taking the easy way out. That giving in is coping out. And? You're point? So what if someone thinks I'm lazy, weak and a coward? I'm also healthier, saner, more at peace and actually a better person by not fighting a losing battle. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel stronger. Maybe in 15 minutes. Who knows? Who cares? One thing I know is that the world is not going to come screeching to a halt if some weeds exist and ants are let to live. But problem is, that's what I've always been told and now tell myself. If I "fail" to do something someone (even the voice in my head) tells me to, I'm a failure. If I don't slog on, I "let someone down" and I'm worthless. Then this gives them the right to abuse me anyway the wish because I deserve no better. Not jumping to comply with my parents was unspeakable wickedness. Even though they were pretty lazy, weak, demanding, cowardly, selfish and exploitative themselves. 

Because here's the kicker. We have been told those things BY THE VERY PEOPLE IN WHOSE BEST INTEREST IT IS FOR US TO KEEP STRUGGLING. That we have to keep trying, helping, waiting on, working and driving ourselves mad with anxiety. People who do not serve others or even care for themselves but expected us to serve and cater to them. They conned us into thinking that quitting was some kind of mortal sin. As they quit, dropped the ball and took the lazy, selfish way out with us all our lives. 

People who move in and take over your life. Who make themselves to home, don't lift a finger to help, trash the place, take themselves out to lunch and then demand to know when you'll be serving dinner because "they're hungry." And me coming home exhausted from work, hauling myself up to go make dinner for these entitled people who are lounging around doing nothing. And who have the audacity to complain about the meals I serve. 

Or other people who are so "prostrate with exhaustion" from doing nothing that you have do their work for them, clean their house, do their laundry, make and clean up supper, mind their kids so they can continue to rest. I laugh when I remember my step mom, issuing instructions from the couch, too "faint" to get up and move. And my dad, too lazy to tend to her himself, dumping it all on me. How are you so exhausted? You haven't done a damn thing! I'm the one who's crippled with pain, hungry and tired. But it's all down to who gets their version in first, I guess. 

But today, here's me doing something different. Here's me confronting instead of complying. You're hungry? Go get us all something to eat. And shame on you for not offering and for taking yourself out and not bringing something to share. And get your dirty shoes off my couch. And here's the dish rag, soap's in the cupboard. And you're tired? Welcome to my world. My back is killing me from dancing attendance on you. Get up off your fat ass, shut off the TV and quit eating yourself to death. I won't be your live-in-maid-nanny-cook-bottle washer anymore. 

So those are conversations with the voices in my head. It doesn't matter if I ever actually have them because I've gone super low contact and won't need to. And so it's just weeds and ants I'm standing up to (or should I say backing down to lol). I'm doing what is best for me. And sometimes that is giving up and giving in. Not that I'll never try again. I'm just listening to my body right now and letting it guide me instead of pushing it till I'm ill. And I'm surrendering to my Higher Power. I'm letting go and letting God. 

Does that mean I leave a bunch of work for others? Nope. Does that mean I expect someone else to wait on me? Of course not. But the ironic thing is that now that I'm in healthier relationships with a family of my own, they do care for  me and pick up the slack. And I don't expect it. I appreciate it. Critical difference. 

And Yup, when you say "I quit" you'll hear (from those bossypants exploitive takers) stuff like "Giving up? That's wrong! When the going gets tough, the tough get going." And indeed I am. I'm both tough and I'm getting going to a happier, healthier, safer place for me, away from pushy, self-centered control freaks. I'm taking back charge of my life. I control me. They may have had done when I was young but they don't now. I just gave in an let them push me around. I let them guilt me into bowing to their commands. But now I call the shots about what I will and will not feel obligated to do. 

If they need something bad enough, they'll find a way to get it. I really don't care how, only that it's not at my expense anymore. If they can find other people to exploit, well, I'm sorry for those people. I hope they get out too. But I have no control over that. 

It's sad it has to be this way. I didn't ask for this. I deserved better. And I'm a loving, giving person. I enjoy doing for others. But not when it's expected, not appreciated and never reciprocated. It was just me doing all the giving and them taking advantage of that. So now I choose who I'll give to. And that will be to grateful people who appreciate and don't demand it. 

This shaming and exploiting has to stop somewhere and since I know they never will, I have to. Fortunately and thanks be to God, I have a loving, generous caring partner encouraging me to end it. Self-sacrifice is great when it's received correctly. If it becomes expectation and taken for granted, no. That is good for no one. 

Strange behaviors and physical deformities from dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hi friends. Piggybacking on my last post, I'm sharing strange physical behaviors and deformities I exhibit from dark tetrad parent abuse. I lived with four dark tetrad parents who were arrogant, narcissistic, exploitative, manipulative, bullying and cruel. And here are trauma coping responses I have developed as a result. 

Facial grimaces. I constantly clamp my jaw and grit my teeth because I'm nervous and anxious. I've worn my teeth down from doing this. I do it because I'm always on alert for random punishment and humiliation. I think I do this to steel myself to ward off attacks. And because I've been conditioned to ignore red flags and power through parent-caused chaos. I've been groomed to accept and function within totally unacceptable behavior. 

I don't walk I tiptoe. I stand on the sides of my feet and never dare to put them flat on the floor. I point my toes in. So I don't take up too much space or get in someone's way. I'm always prepared for flight. I might have to jump to do something so I'm kind of like an uncoordinated mongoose, always ready to rush in to serve. 

I'm uncoordinated, clumsy and slump and walk bent. I crumple myself into the smallest shape possible. I sit on the edge of chairs. I keep small. I twist myself into a pretzel to do whatever it is anyone expects of me. I have lugged too  heavy of loads for too long and damaged my spine as a result. I have slept too much in cramped, cold, crowded uncomfortable places. 

I walk and talk in my sleep. I snore and cry out. This is from being made to co-sleep with babies and children. So their parents weren't disturbed. I had to be on alert at night like a parent since around age 10. My room and bed have been given away and I've been shuffled into closets and unheated porches.. I've been evicted and had to sleep rough and make do. I trauma dream all night long. 

I hurt all the time from early onset arthritis in hips, back, shoulders and neck. I had shoulder surgery and all kinds of unexpected damage showed up that I've just learned to live with. 

I'm now retraining myself now to take up space and inhabit my place fully. I'm trying to learn that I deserve comfort. I'm working to rewrite dreams in which I talk back and fight back. To refuse to do all the nonsensical things I had to as a kid. 

Weird CPTSD Panic responses caused by dark tetrad parent abuse

 Hello my friends. On my quest to heal CPTSD (complex childhood post traumatic stress disorder) from a lifetime of abuse by four narcissistic parents, I'm looking at weird panic responses that dark tetrads (manipulative, narcissistic, entitled, arrogant and sadistic) instill in their kids. These are caused by the constant fear, anxiety and stress their chaotic, neglectful, abusive, excessively punitive, humiliating, malicious, exploitative, risky and dangerous behavior causes.  Dark tetrads are vicious, pathologically jealous, backstabbing and deceitful. Life with them is frightening and exhausting. Life for the child of dark tetrad parents is hell on earth. Here are some panic responses I've developed over the years that I only at 60 began to understand as originating from my parents' treatment of me. 

I'm hypervigilant. I constantly look over my shoulder and expect punishment and shame. I flinch and startle at the smallest sounds. I hear scolding and criticism where it doesn't exist. And where it does, I immediately feel shame and quickly amend whatever I'm doing to please them. I even dream I expected to do all sorts of things without resources and am scrambling to meet them. It is so wearying. 

I'm a chameleon. I take the Bible injunction to be all things to all people too literally. I act how I think other people expect me to. I ignore whatever I think, need or feel in favor of honoring their wishes. This includes matching my face, words and actions to placate and obey. I've caught  myself doing this in my selfie cam of all places. Whenever anyone in my environment does or says anything, I automatically jump nervously and arrange my face accordingly. I fawn, laugh at stupid jokes I don't find funny. I smooth feathers, pour oil on waters I didn't trouble and generally twist myself into a pretzel to give my best approximation of what they seem to want of me. 

I'm obedient and subservient which is bad enough in a child but absolutely dysfunctional in an adult. Adult relationships should not be characterized by one person demanding, bossing, lording it over while the other kowtows and hop through hoops to please. In fact, adults should not have expectations for each other in general. They should collaborate and cooperate. I just comply and compromise everything to suit others. And my sanity and self-esteem are compromised as a result.  

I'm too biddable, too accommodating, too agreeable. I'm always seeking to keep the peace, which is ridiculous because there is no peace, never has been and never will be any with dark tetrads. They thrive on conflict. They polarize, choose up sides, ambush and create problems for their victims. I have spent my life putting out fires my dark tetrad parents purposely started. 

I am more comfortable with unfair double standards than with healthier balance. I don't like living with two sets of rules, one for me and one for thee but it's familiar and all I've ever known. I don't know if I actually believe this is right. I think on some level I know it's not. But it's too much work to fight it. Dark tetrads are so determined to be large and in charge. They steamroll anyone who stands up to them. They bury them in shame and scorn.  

I'm tired all the time. The slightest effort seems too much because dark tetrads have worn down my resources. They have punished me for practicing any kind of self-care. Their constant and shifting demands have left me exhausted. Their bizarrely chaotic, hypocritical and hurtful behavior has wounded and crippled me. I have a damaged spine and hips from years of overwork and neglect. 

Does all this get better or easier to bear? Will I ever heal? No. You can't heal a broken spirit or replaces drained resources any more than you can regrow amputated legs. What does get better is that by understanding what happened and saying out loud that it did, I can begin to  move forward with healthier responses. 

Bizarre things dark tetrad parents do to destroy their kids

Hey friends. Today in the quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm looking at more bizarre things dark tetrad parents do to damage their kids. And it has to do with the ickiest of the icky, sexual abuse. Just so you know, I've only just remembered some of this stuff and/or realized what it was at 60 years old. I was helped in this by a Youtube search on how toxic parents are sexually off with their kids. So there's not a lot out there. And I wasn't surprised because some of this is so sick that 1) you can't make it up 2) you NEVER want to think about it let alone talk about it 3) it wasn't safe to and 4) it may not even be allowed on Youtube. We poor kids are so damaged by these twisted deviants that we can't even get help processing it because it's verboten to address.  

Some have approached the subject of dark tetrads but not in the depth I needed. And not as a child of such people. Most have little experience and will just say that dark tetrads are so disturbing that you should run not walk as far away from them as you can. Welcome to my world. And easier said than done for a kid. Then there's a lot of talk about positivity and rising above, yada yada. Sounds great unless you were  groomed from infancy to be their property. If they enmeshed in you like parasites and punished you for being a person of your own. 

What the lack of discussion around dark tetrad parents tells me is that their abuse is so outrageously perverted that even psychologists have little frame of reference for it. But thankfully, I found one psychologist talking about it. It takes only one. More is better. And it was as if she had lived my life with me. Come to find out (and this is incredibly helpful to know) that even in their degradation, they share pattern behaviors. And one of which is around concepts of body image and sexuality. 

Both  my parents, and then their new partners, were off sexually. They were immaturely vain and competitive about looks. They talked about sex and made out it front of me. It was so prevalent that I got used to it. But I never liked it. I hated anything to do with "it." See, I can't even find a word to describe the ick. "Inappropriate and adult" hardly cuts it. Gross, nauseating, revolting, depraved might be better. It was as if they went out of their way to ruin normal healthy things for me. Oh wait...

That's exactly what they did. The way the therapist explains it (and I so appreciated her using her own examples. It can't have been easy.) narcissistic and dark tetrad parents believe they own their children. I knew that already but it never occurred to me till she pointed it out that this includes our sexuality. In their demented heads, our bodies, development, experiences are theirs to do with and exploit as they wish. 

If dark tetrads want to make their children uncomfortable (and they do--that's how they maintain their edge and control), they broadcast intimate details about the child. I literally reeled when the doctor shared the example of a mother announcing that her daughter had pubic hair at a family gathering. I had forgotten all about my mother doing that at a picnic. She loudly told my grandmother  (who was very modest and would NOT have wanted that talked about in public). So bonus points for my mom: she got to make us both feel weird. And as I shared recently, my mother brags about how she likes to "shock (humiliate, embarrass, upset) people." Tell us you're a dark  tetrad without telling us, Mom. 

If the dark tetrad wants to make someone feel inferior and themselves feel superior (and they always do), they body shame them. And the child with her prepubescent body is the perfect victim. My mother told people we were more like sisters than mother and daughter. Note she wasn't saying friends. We were competitors in a race which she had a 22-year lead. She would compare our bodies and loved to boast her breast size. She would gloat and preen when her boyfriend would call me "Blisters" and mock my as yet undeveloped breasts. He did that all my life and I let him because mommy taught me being their laughingstock was what God wanted me to be. 

She would dress inappropriately sexualized and juvenile. She wore mini skirts, go-go boots and very revealing clothing in a time when no one else's mother did. Then she trash talked another woman who dressed this way, calling her a tramp. She'd run around in a bikini when most moms wore Bermuda shorts. Then she began running around naked and told anyone who would listen that she did, like an invitation. She feigned embarrassment about being "accidentally" seen by one of her boyfriend's friends. But again, she made sure to tell people.  But you could tell she really enjoyed that. She'd tell people, including my husband and sons, how she slept naked. My father paraded naked too and I remember seeing male body parts at 6 and asking if Daddy had a tail. It's so awful to recall. 

My mother was and still is very seductive around men, especially older men and boys.  She had a series of affairs with married men. She would sit on her boyfriends' laps and make out with them in front of me. She'd talk in this affected baby voice. She'd giggle with them in whispers behind her hand. She used to lick her boyfriends' ear again, in front of me. I felt so gross. Once before I went to school, she was snuggling with boyfriend of the week and his wife came over, belted my mom across the face and knocked her down the stairs. I was told to go to school and forget it. Nothing was ever said to me or by me about it again. No counseling nor explanation. No comforting. 

She talks about her genitals openly and in graphic detail, at family gatherings. Now that she's older, she does this to elicit sympathy for all the mystery ailments she has, involving her privates. She asks her doctor, in front of me, for advice on sex. Then pretended not to know what the doctor said, so we had to spell it out, making her giggle in this childish way. She gets off on getting people to talk about sex. She talked openly about using birth control and showed me hers, when I was 8. She had a douche hanging in our bathroom and showed me how she  used it. No one else's mom in the neighborhood was single, let alone had a revolving door of boyfriends, let alone was discussing sex or birth control if they were even using it in1972. But that's not a question you want to ask your friends. 

She dressed as a hooker to a church Halloween party and had 8 year old me help her with her costume. I was probably the only third grader who knew that word. She went to see A Clockwork Orange but left early because it was "dirty." Then told 9 year old me all the gory details. It was too dirty for her but not for me, evidently. Another thing I was probably the only kid my school to know about. At 8, she decided I needed to know the facts of life which she spared no detail. She said she was trying to protect me but she never once came to my aid in any problem of that nature. In fact, she took other people's part and blamed me. Also, the fact that she used personal anecdotal experiences to illustrate makes me now see as an adult that this was more about her perversion than my education. Plus the fact that I held my hands over my ears and begged her to stop. And got slapped for being sassy. 

She later opened a foster care home and had four young special needs kids under 5 plus various teens and me. And then she hooked up with a nasty, vulgar, lazy, unemployed, abusive guy, whom she moved in, made an apartment for herself and him in the basement and then quit  her job. I did most of the childcare and all the night care. She once left me with all these kids and her layabout live-in for a week. I couldn't calm the six-month old baby who was brain damaged, blind and deaf from abuse (and whom we never should have had in our care. He was far too ill for her to take care of let alone me.) 

I was walking the baby in the living room to help him sleep and the baby woke her boyfriend who was sleeping on the couch after watching TV all night. He flew up screaming and cursing me. He told my mom I'd shaken the baby. Which I see now was a complete lie. How would he know if he was asleep? And why was on the couch? Why was he even there? Why wasn't he walking the baby? All these things were just a cover up for the fact that she'd ditched her responsibilities and left an 11 y/o and her live-in alone with them. When I confronted her a few months ago, she said she never did do that and would not have left me because she'd have lost her license. No concern about fucking up my life.  He would continue violently raging abuse and threats at me and blaming me for everything all my life. And she would continue to let him. I will never recover fully from the shame, guilt, self-hatred and trauma of that one experience not to mention all the other abuse. 

And then, into this mix, she brought in a 15 year old with a known history of molesting girls. He came to visit over a weekend and she said she was going to reform him by leading him to Jesus. What that ended up being was making me include him all my activities and him acting about as you'd expect. We went to the beach and while she lay tanning in her bikini, he went around pulling girls' bathing suits down, trying to drown them and/or make out with them. It was so bad that the other moms told my mom to get him away from their kids. She got mad and took us home. 

Then made me take him to the neighbor's pool where he proceeded to do the same thing. The neighbor kicked him out but still mom turned a deaf ear. I retreated to my room where he barged in and molested me. Meanwhile she was in the basement with her live-in. I took the risk of telling her and was met with stony pursed-lipped rage. I begged her to say nothing to anyone because I was so embarrassed. She agreed and promptly went and told her boyfriend (who was routinely cruel and abusive to me and who, my husband thinks, had sexual thoughts about me). He told the kid to leave. She didn't want him to leave. Then she told everyone what happened and bragged up boyfriend for how brave he was. AT THE DAMN DINNER TABLE. Needless to say she never told anyone who could have helped me. Neither did I. 

Not too long after this, her foster care license was revoked and the two of them were found guilty of child abuse. She lied and said it didn't happen or if it did it was boyfriends' fault. Even though I watched him whip children with sticks and her laugh. No one ever said anything about me sleeping alone two floors up from them with four young children. Or my uncle and his girlfriend living in what was my room. Or her allowing me to be sexually abused and doing nothing. Or about her leaving me alone with the kids. Or approving her boyfriend attacking and harassing me. I don't know if that came up but she wouldn't have told me if it had. I was just whisked off to live with  my dad and his new wife who weren't much better. 

 I've tried for years to tell myself that she was just upset for me. That's why she was angry when I told her what the kid did. It took me 49 years to realize that no, she was pissed at me for pulling out one of the cards from her little fantasy house. It's important to note that she was loudly and proudly a Christian. She went to church every week, beat her Bible and would preach the "good news." She would make a show of being very holy. And was quick to finger point at anyone who was doing what she considered wrong. And then tell me that all this immoral behavior was actually her doing God's will. She was witnessing to men by sleeping with them. She was leading people to Jesus by letting them abuse her daughter. She was serving God by acting like a prostitute. She was being a good Christian by fubaring her daughter's ability to care for herself. She was honoring the Bible by brain damaging her daughter so badly that she is now crippled with it. 

And you may think that she didn't know what she was doing. Although honestly I don't think very many people reading my story would believe that. And even she would say she knows what she's doing if it's in her agenda to make you believe that. It all depends on who she is portraying at the moment. She is very sure of herself when she's pointing out other people's faults. But if she's in the wrong, oh yes, she'll paint herself as the innocent victim. She flip flops to feeble and helpless when that suits. If she is caught in a lie, she will evade, lie some more, back-peddle and even feign dementia. I didn't see all this because I wanted to believe her because I'm her daughter and I love her. What I didn't know but now do is that she's not my mom in any caring way, only in exploitative ways. Which is no mom at all. And she does not love me with anything like was real love is. She uses me. 

I know it sounds so ludicrous that I wouldn't have seen what was wrong with it but I didn't. I thought because she said so it must be so. Yes I can read the Bible and hear Christian teaching and know it's wrong for me to do these things. But a dark tetrad parent's gaslighting is very convincing. 

Disturbing things dark tetrad parents do that haunt their kids

Hi friends. I'm having a lot of awakenings lately around disturbing things my dark tetrad parents did that haunt me now. A lot of  these memories have lain dormant for decades and I've only just recalled them. And the way I have is the interesting and crucial part. I see now that all my life the bizarre things they've done have triggered sick fear, self-loathing and shame. But because the memories were buried, the feelings would just seem to come out of nowhere. Suddenly I am engulfed by them. It's so bad that I'm nauseous and dysregulating all over the place. Or sometimes I smile on the outside while quietly dying on the inside.   I never connected the dots back to where the shame originated. And now that I do, the picture becomes clear. And  it's even more dreadful than I could have imagined. 

"I like to shock people." Said no sane, normal person ever. But it was said and done often by my dark tetrad mother. And enjoying shocking people is screwy enough but worse when you read the translation. They don't mean shock in the nice surprise way. They love to zap people with painful, damaging hurt--think electroconvulsive therapy.  Dark tetrads love upsetting, humiliating and throwing people off balance with sucker punches and outlandish behavior. Especially their children. It's even worse when they consider themselves Christian missionaries because they translate witnessing the good news to publicly attacking, denouncing and harassing people. They literally believe it's their God-given duty (right) to make innocent people feel awkwardly ashamed. And do they get off  on that. 

Now we could argue all day what true Christian witnessing is supposed to look like. I think St. Francis said it well--just be kind. But what I want you to understand is that the dark tetrads' shocking behavior has nothing to do with any kind of Christian ministry or morality in general. In fact it's pretty much anathema to the Bible. They fancy themselves as leading others to God. But the way they do it looks much more like leading the other way. 

Some examples of my mother's "witnessing": adultery, open affairs with married men, taking me to an abortion clinic so a girl in her foster care could have an abortion, forcing sexual confidences on me, allowing her boyfriend to sexually harass me, getting mad at me when a teen in her foster care molested me, leaving me alone with her unemployed boyfriend to care for four special needs kids under 5 for a week. Telling people publicly at a family gathering that I was developing pubic hair. Abandoning me to strangers at 6 in Alaska, 4000 miles from home. Dumping me with strangers. And telling me that all of this was her doing God's work. These are just a few. 

So lots of wrong here. But where does it originate? Where's the disconnect? She said it herself. She likes to shock people. To betray, backstab, gang up on, embarrass. And that is proof positive that she is a dark tetrad--arrogant, malignant, mercenary and sadistic. And as a child, I was the perfect candidate. I was normal and believed I had normal parents who loved me. So all this they did I just assumed was love. They weren't and it wasn't. But I wasn't to know that. They could exploit my trust as much as they wanted and I wouldn't know the difference. 

And this was not accidental. They knew better. They knew how they expected to be treated. They knew how other parents cared for their children. They would mimic it, half-heartedly when anyone was watching. And then behind closed doors make no pretense of caring for me. Seriously, the number of times I've been left to my own devices and put out on the street at very young ages would  horrify normal people. 

And for all I say I thought this was okay, my subconscious did not. There as a still small voice screaming warnings and waving red flags. But children are messy little creatures at the best of times. We have no protocol for trauma, except kneejerk reactions. So I did some things that looked pretty deranged. I would bite and  hit myself. I would overreact all over the place with rage, panic, anxiety, terror and grief. And my parents were more than happy to leverage that to make me appear the problem and themselves the pretty ones. 

Case in point. A few years ago, my dad's wife, who had inserted herself into and dominated our relationship from the get-go and maintained a tight reign over us all, lectured me for being the problem in their family (operative words) She said I was at fault for being "so angry" at my dad.
Angry?? ANGRY? Bitch please. I've never shown the slightest bit of self-care let alone stood up for myself to you two. I've let you steamroll me. And that is the problem. I SHOULD be furious with you. 

Let's not forget that this is the father who had estranged himself, abandoned me, allowed her to abuse me and felt zero responsibility to me. And whom I had literally slaved for all my life and never EVER been anything but kind. Did I mention that these two hated  each other and were estranged from their other kids as well? If that's not gaslighting I don't know what is. And yet I fell for it.  Here I was 50 years old and feeling all the old despair of being 13 and unable to please this implacable dominatrix. 

Oh you think that's too  harsh a word? Anyone who's been at the mercy of dark tetrad parents won't. They'll tell you that it feels very much like a sick twisted game of BDSM. A game you can never win except by losing. A game that will leave you a shattered mess that no one helps you with. When they've extracted all they can from you, they step over your carcass and move on. They hang you out like a Spandau Ballet and laugh as you writhe and twist. They get off on seeing you suffer. 

I'm exhausted writing all this and need a break. But I'll be continuing this because we've only scratched the surface of how dark tetrads damage their kids.