Horrific ways religious narcissist parents destroy God for their child

Hello my friends. I just listened to the last Youtube video by one of my favorite speakers on narcissism, Dr. Les Carter. He has been so instrumental to me in starting work to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse. I appreciate his emphasis on Team Healthy. Thank you, Dr. Carter. This one's for you. And Gus <3  

Today I'm looking at horrific ways religious narcissist parents destroy God for their child. Sorry Dr. Carter, I know that doesn't seem like an honor to dedicate this to you. But it is. Because you helped me see how they ruined my understanding of God and why nothing about religion, the Bible or Christianity seems to fit for me. And that's important because I see now that I didn't break it. They broke it for me. AND you also showed some ways to find my way back home. 

My parents were selfish enough from the get-go. But then when I was 5, they moved to Alaska to be missionaries (no church affiliation or support), went way rogue leaving me with strangers or alone in all kinds of dangerous situations. My dad wandered off to the wilds of Alaska for months on end. He never worked and neither did she. We were homeless. Then he decided God was calling him to convert the Manson girls and he hitchhiked off with half their money ($10) to L.A.  

Then they decided, selfishly, to divorce. My mother was running around with an assortment of creepy men and my dad probably was cheating too. I know he took a lot of young teenage girls with him on his "missions." But never his little daughter, me. No one explained anything to me and I was scolded for being confused and thinking I would lose my grandparents too. I was left unsupervised so often that I thought it was normal. Then they hooked up with new people who were just as abusive. I say hooked up with because she was living with her boyfriend in our home. She had a lot of boyfriends. Interestingly the second husband just divorced her on claims of cheating. But I digress. 

But through it all, they remained convinced that they were actually preachers. They have always loudly preached the Good News as they called it. But looking back it didn't seem very good, at least for me. There was a lot of talk bad, wicked, sin, evil that people were supposedly doing and that they in their strangely unholy self-righteousness were somehow above? They literally did exactly what they were preaching against, blatantly. Thank you, Dr. Carter for helping me understand that they were not above these rules. They are narcissists. And very dark tetrad narcissists at that. 

So how did they break God for me? Narcissists don't serve God. They don't serve anyone. They think they ARE God and they gaslit me into thinking so too. They made me serve them like they were God. They equated my obedience to their demanding, irrational, arrogant, self-serving dictates, with obedience to God. And the Bible bore them out. Kids obey your parents. I always got that part loud and clear. What I missed was the part where they were supposed to care for me and humble themselves to God. Because it was never about God it was about them and they weaponized Him to their own ends. They always have. All four of them. 

So when they abandoned me (while still expecting and getting love, service devotion, care, parenting--yes parenting, obedience from me) it was as if God had abandoned me. Because he kind of did, if they were God. They were the only Gods I knew. I see now they wanted me to believe that God abandoned me. Leaving me alone, uncared for or supervised, they were showing me, "see this is how little God thinks of you." All that you read about in the Bible, it's not for you. You're the exception, the one God doesn't love. 

I didn't know then that it was them that didn't love me. And so now, it's hard to wrap my head around it still. See, people will assure you that "God was really there with you all those times you were alone and scared." And it probably was true. But a child doesn't get that. All my little kid mind knew as afraid and alone. Children are very concrete. They only know what they can see and feel and touch. They don't get that there is an invisible presence that loves and cares for them when the grownups who are supposed to don't. I'm not sure adults get that either. I certainly didn't and don't. 

The best I can do is kind of click my heels and repeat to myself, he loves me. Lather, rinse, repeat. And maybe if I do that enough, I'll start to feel it. You hear from a lot Christians about faith over fear and belief in things you can't see. I've been gaslit and shamed all my life over this. That I was somehow failing God for not believing He was there. But belief and faith were never the problem. I had those in abundance. 

What I didn't have was the luxury, and I use that word intentionally, of allowing myself to trust that God really did love me. My parents would not allow that. THEY were the only God as far as I was concerned.  And they were judgmental, hypocritical and hateful as, well, hell. And then I would feel sinful because I was told I was, for not taking God at his word. I would confuse the hell out of myself trying to juxtapose the complete lack of care from parents, and the utter expectation that I would serve them, with a God who loved me. 

How do you frame God's love when the people who make themselves God not only don't love you but withhold God's love from you? What do you do when you have been groomed to believe that you are the exception? How do you form a relationship with a God who you have been told to trust and then punished for trusting? How do you both love and serve Him and them? 

So none of scripture fits for me. But that didn't stop me following God's laws to the best of my ability. You make damn sure to tow the line as a child of dark tetrads. But it all felt like shit and shoved in it when I could claim none of the good from God. I was told to do all the work with none of the perks. That was not for me. That was for them to exploit and steal from me. 

Yes, I see now that they broke God for me. It wasn't my fault. But I didn't see it then. Children ONLY know what they are taught by the adults in their lives. Even if it's wrong as hell. Maybe especially if it's wrong. The devil one devious SOB.  The poison goes right to the roots and grows up with the child. The longer they drip poison in your ear, the deeper the poison goes. By the time you  realize that you are fighting the devil himself, you are so soaked in their poison that you're drowning in it. 

And it's worse because there are very few if any people you can talk to about it. They just layer on more shame repeating their one-size-fits-no one rules which make you even more suicidal. They don't listen. They just keep pratting the same shit that got you in this mess to begin with. And, small segue here, do they think they're being helpful? I've been hearing those rules and commandments since before I could speak. I get it. I could recite them when I was four. With all due respect, just shut up if you have nothing more than that for me. 

I'll be honest here. I don't know the way out for sure. I think it's going to take a lot of brain delousing. And reindoctrination if that's a thing which spell-check doesn't think it is. I'm going to have to keep repeating to myself some new ideas. But I also have to say, and no one wants to hear this. Or maybe they do because it affirms their struggle, too. The poison that was planted in my brain will always remain to some extent. Sad but true. 

You can regret, apologize, make amends for till you're blue in the face but  you cannot fix what you broke. You can only mend and make do. The shattered cup will never pour properly again. And dark tetrads will never regret let alone apologize or try to fix. Also sad but true. Can I find a superglue to fix it? Maybe? I hope so. I do know that the love (nurture, support, affirmation) of loving people is the best binding agent I've found.