Hello my friends. Today in my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse, I'm seeing how I need to rethink some Christian teaching. And I'm recalling a time, years ago when I was in a Christian homeschooling group Bible study and the scripture about being a servant came up. How we need to give till it hurts and be a servant to all. You know the whole "JOY means Jesus first, then others and you last" meme. Well, I was in a really raw, emotionally tapped out place. If you're read other posts you know how I have spent my life being an overachieving empath who gives away everything, lets others walk all over her and thanks them. And this just hit a nerve and I said that sometimes you can give too much and it's not healthy.
Oh my goodness, you'd have thought I'd said to torch a church full of kittens. Eyes flew open, hands wrung and I was immediately chastised and told "you must NEVER say that! We must always serve like Jesus and we could never give enough!!" And other gaslighty stuff. I was running on the fumes of fumes. Just giving to that group had cost me more than I had to give, in money, time, energy and emotional pain. As usual, I'd let myself be guilted into signing up to do far more than I could. And this was the match to the Molotov shame cocktail.
Bear in mind these women didn't know me from Adam and cared even less. They didn't ask what I meant just judged that I was being heretical. As if I'd have dared in that self-righteous bunch. Nobody noticed that as they drove up in their enormous new 15 passenger vans, I was trying to keep up in a beater that broke down more than it ran. My husband was working all the hours God so we didn't go bankrupt. We were both working round the clock to fix up a derelict house as they complained about their palatial estates. They were having babies right and left while I was losing mine. I was drowning in post partum misery and trauma nightmaring all night long and getting no help only hinderance from family. This wasn't me resenting what they had, just admitting that I couldn't keep up. I thought it would be safe to share but boy was I wrong. It was just a stick to beat me with.
One woman did say that she knew what I meant. But it was too little too late. Marilisa was the problem child, again. A real voice of evil. Funny they were always more than willing to dump their kids on me. They actually exploited the fact that I was a certified teacher, telling me God expected me to "use my gifts to serve." Which translated to the person barely able to afford groceries teaching all the little rich kids pro bono. Funny how generous some people are with other people's resources. This has been a common theme in my life.
It called to mind all the times narcissists including my parents, had weaponized this kind of scripture against me. How they rubbed my nose in all God was supposedly expecting of me. How they tied burdens on me they didn't help carry. How they were never servants to anyone, least of all me, just expected and demanded my service. How God was calling me to raise them and their kids, clean their homes, support their asses. There has been a shame chorus playing on autoloop in my head all my life.
But just tonight after listening to a podcast on dark empaths and narcissists, I realized something. I'm glad that homeschool group incident happened because it showed two things. 1) That these women and my parents and all the other selfish takers were speaking to themselves in my presence. They did need to serve more and demand less. But I didn't. I had and always have given much more than I could. I've always given from my lack instead of my largesse. I've paid far more than what is owed. And I've been paying on investments I never agreed to and which I've never gotten a return on.
And the second thing I learned is that I needed to learn these things. I get to decide whether to give, what to give, when and to whom. I choose who I think deserves my help. And if I have energy to or even want to. I don't have to. That instead of driving ahead in bad weather, I need to halt. I need heed warning signs of burnout instead of blowing through them. That I'm the best judge of what God is calling me to. That I can and should say when the playing field isn't level that I'm not playing.
I was also gaslit to think that I should give just as much or more, regardless of what other people gave. That translated to lots of people sitting around watching me do their work. I was told I had to always be correct and perfect in all my actions no matter how confrontational and hurtful others treated me. But just what that perfect behavior was, was never explained or modeled. Now I'm thinking that it's okay if I give what I determine I have to give. I think we can assume that when scripture tell us that to whom more is given more is expected, that less is expected of those with less.
I'm learning that I don't have to play by rules some person made up for me that I didn't agree to or no one else is following. I can choose to disobey especially if the rules are set by hurtful people to hurt me. I'm working to understand that I didn't owe anyone anything. That I can and should do things by choice not fear and obligation. That I don't have to give where there is no reciprocity. I don't have to give period unless I want to. I get to decide upon my own moral code of ethics. This is not vindictive or vengeful. It's self-protection.
This all has been especially problematic for me. I was gaslit and groomed to believe that I was too stupid to determine for myself. That I was too selfish and immoral to be trusted to read and interpret scripture for myself. That I was disobeying God if I didn't comply completely with all their very self-serving demands. That self-care was selfish. That I (and only I) should give till it hurt. That they were entitled to take all they wanted and leave me helpless. That others could bleed me dry and my job was to like it.
The voice of FOG is loud. And old sins (of parents wrong teaching) cast long shadows. When the podcast said tonight, that a healthy dark empath gives of her bounty, not her resources, I immediately triggered into old trauma responses. Pandora's demons in my head screamed NOOO! That's sinful!! You have to hurt to give! You have to give up and away huge non-renewable chunks of yourself!! That's what God expects!!"
I immediately ( because I was conditioned to) called to mind the parable of the widow's mite. How I'm supposed to give all I have and then some. But then a new voice called hope said, no. Jesus simply used her generosity to correct the pharisees' flawed math. That they gave what they didn't need while she gave all. He wasn't saying I had to drain a vein every time someone wanted blood. He was simply telling THOSE who were selfish to be more generous.
And about the cloak parable. I've already given mine away plus all my other garments too. Maybe he isn't telling me, like my dad did, to give everything when no one else is giving anything. Maybe Jesus is telling those who are weaponizing this scripture against people like me, to preach to themselves. Maybe he's not telling me to let demanding takers use and abuse me. He's telling them to quit and begin bloody giving. What a revolutionary thought. And it does feel a little bit heretical because my parents made themselves gods so theirs are the only voices I hear when I listen for God.
But we're told he's patient and doesn't give up easily. So if I keep listening, hopefully I can start hearing his voice over the rabble.
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