Hello my friends. Many of you may be wondering, so I've gone no contact with my narcissist parents, now what? Do I still love them? What does that look like? What is the relationship status with those I've cut off? You may also wonder how I know that my readers aren't also narcissists themselves. For the same reason I know I'm not or at least have fewer tendencies than normal (we all have some for survival). Narcissists and dark tetrads don't go looking for help. Their victims do. So I know because you're reading, that you're struggling too.
So back to the original question. What's my relationship status with parents I've gone no contact with? It's complicated but also simple. And MMUUUCHH simpler than being in a relationship with them. Do I still love them? Eh, only in the same general way that I love all personkind. I don't want to see them suffer but I'm not buffering it anymore. I'm not absorbing. Not shielding them from the logical consequences of their own foolish, irresponsible, hurtful choices. I don't care in that obsessive way that I worried over them when they were enmeshed in me. I never spent a moment considering all the damage they'd done to me. I just agonized over them. How I'd let them down, supposedly.
Because DARVO is the name of the game with dark tetrads. Deny (all harmful behavior wreaked on their victims) Attack (the victim) Reverse (roles of) Victim and Offender. Narcissists love to play the martyr. Oh how I've suffered, no one understands me, pass me a Nembutal and fix me a drink, worn out Scarlett O'hara thing (thank you Ya-ya Sisterhood for that gem!) And what I now feel for my narcissist parents is nothing, really. I just don't care anymore.
I don't hate them. I don't even resent them. I never have. Which actually might be a good thing for me to do for a little while. Not to blame like they do but to put blame where it belongs. On them and not on me. To be angry about all they put me through and how they ruined so many things for me. That would be a realistic part of the loss of relationship grief healing process. Part of the awareness that they were never parents to me, only perpetrators. Part of the letting go.
But I just don't have that much fabulous in me. It requires more energy than I have. I'm exhausted and burned out. All I want now is out of their cult. And them out of me. I want distance. I don't want to be their crutch, whipping girl, emotional support lap dog, sex therapist, loyal cult follower, worshipper, servant, possession anymore. The caretaker has left the building. And the grounds and the Branch Davidian complex.
So how do I deal with them? I don't. I send short happy birthday, merry christmas texts and call it a day. I may send an occasional gift but usually not because anything I send triggers too many awful memories. Everything is weaponized and unfairly transactional and I always come out with the short of the stick, feeling and being made to feel like shit. End of.
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