Hello friends. Today's post will seem like it's going after Christians because it is. Throughout my life, I've been hurt by and kept quiet about so much religious abuse of all kinds, sexual to emotional, from the many, mostly protestant, churches I've had the misfortune to be in. Abuse that took me to dark self-harming places with no one to comfort. So I make no apology if this hurts anyone's feelings. Today I'm calling out fake, narcissists in Christian guise, like my parents, and all the double standard, hypocritical, deceitful, devious nonsense they put on us. If you don't do this then it doesn't apply to you. But I would caution all of us who call ourselves Christians, not to dismiss this to quickly. These kinds of behaviors and people are terrifyingly common.
These devil's in holy wear gaslight, ridicule, shame, humiliate, mock and torture in the NAME of GOD. They do it to everyone but they are most devious with traumatized kids. Kids whose parents have double dealt, twisted, manipulated, exploited, abused, neglected, scapegoated, invalidated, enmeshed, triangulated and gaslit them since birth. Today I'm excavating the lifetime of gaslighting horse crap that I've been fed by my fellow Christians (all denominations) about God, me and how I'm supposed to act with Him.
"Faith over Fear." If you've read my back posts, you'll know how this gaslighting BS sends me. To anyone who promulgates this nonsense, I'd ask, do you know the meaning of faith or fear? Who are we supposed to put faith in? I'll do you the credit of assuming you mean God. Well, to that I say, that if you do actually read your Bible, you'll note that we are called to fear God but also evil. We are commanded to beware the wiles of the devil. Don't assume because you say "Lord, Lord" you'll be saved.
Also, it's not your faith which saves you but Jesus. Honestly the way some people talk about their "faith" you'd think it was something they invented themselves. That good things happen because they make it happen with this thing they call faith. When in reality they use faith as as a tool to lord over people. A weapon to beat down the downtrodden. Do they actually have faith or do they just want to sound good? Because I've seen people who thought that their faith would keep them from getting Covid, for example. They fell at the first hurdle when they got sick. They fully expected that God wouldn't let them get a contagious disease, when they did nothing to protect themselves and others, just because they were special? Kiddos, I pray and believe too and I got ragingly sick twice. Once post-vaccine. But then I didn't expect special dispensation. And these folks, again, didn't read their Bible or they'd know that faith isn't some magic amulet to prevent them from suffering. God sends rain on the just and the unjust. Good Godly people get sick and die.
Now, add to that conundrum this idiotic aphorism poses, the extra difficulty a child who has been raised by dark tetrad (narcissistic, arrogant, selfish AF, malignant, cruel exploitative) parents. Anyone who lived in the regime of dark tetrads, knows there's no fear like that which they instill in you. They WANT you afraid while at the same time preaching to you all God expects of you. They also demand that you put your faith (loyalty, devotion, trust) IN them. I'm not kidding. Whatever they do is good and Godly and what God expects of you. And as you can imagine, this gives them endless carte blanche for evil.
They purposely do things to scare the shit out of you, like leave you behind with strangers. They have you wetting your pants with nightmares and emotional flashbacks. They make you bow down to terrifying people. They punish you if you're not fearful enough. AND they make themselves gods. You're to have "faith" in them only and their abusive crap. They do this in the name of a god that they say you have to serve. But he wears their faces. And their version is hateful, spiteful, cunning, unmerciful, unloving, manipulative. This god abandons you in frightening situations. He blames you unfairly. He's nothing the loving god of which you read about in the Bible.
They tell you that god approves them abusing and neglecting you and is angry with you for your "disobedience" and "showing off." When you are doing all their work and raising their kids. And caring for them as if you were the parent and they were the child. So help me understand how me having faith in these evil people is not a frigging dangerous thing to do? And how this faith in them going to overcome fear??????? Like they would ever allow you to be courageous. Brave people leave abuse while terrified kids roll over for it. Tell an abused kid to have faith over fear and she'll say faith in what? That mom and dad and stepmom and stepdad god will keep on hurting me? Done.
How can you shame me for not daring to hope in some mirage of a loving god? You say I'm supposed to click my heels together and trust in something I've never seen, in someone who has never been there for me? How can you be so cruel and so blind? Don't you know I'd give anything to have and to have had something to cling to in all the chaos? Because they are all I've ever known of love or god. And clinging to them was both not safe and also all there was for me. I am so confused. And you reiterating without listening, to just trust, only reinforces the crazy contradictions we live with as kids of dark tetrads.
Maybe someday I'll be able to see that there was someone there. I'll see the footprints that aren't mine that you say carried me. But as a child, teen, young adult, maybe even now, I never did. I have to be honest about that. It's the first time I ever have. God was nowhere to be found. Not in a way that I could feel. I never felt carried, embraced, cherished, wanted, treasured. Theoretically maybe someone carried me but all I recall is carrying myself however clumsily through hell and high water.
And I know all the good Christians out there will gasp and shame me for saying that. They'll say how "we" must never feel God has abandoned us. We must just know He's there, somehow, in the atmosphere. Even though for all practical purposes, we're alone. And let me just point out two things. First, if you're so sure of this, clearly, your parents did not make themselves gods and then abandon you. Or you'd feel just like me. And if they did and you were still able to cling to some idea of a loving god, well, I'd say don't polish your halo just yet.
Because I've thought all these years that I did believe that there was someone there. I was the best little Christian girl I could possibly be. Just ask anyone outside my family, who knew me. They'll tell you. I was known as the most incorruptible, straight-laced kid in school. The girl with the most closed legs and tightest, well, never mind. You get what I mean. And if that offends, well think of how I felt hearing it at 14. From good Christian boys who saw me as a target. And who's mommies and daddies just turned sanctimonious blind eyes to their little perverts and kept on preaching and singing. Yep, Christianity as Christians portray it, has been pretty much ruined for me.
I don't know how, but I managed to walk on that razor edge of trust in good while experiencing nothing but bad. I prayed and read my Bible sincerely. And I didn't dare admit that I felt nothing but shame and guilt from the heavens. And it was not good for me because it just perpetuated their abuse. They thought they'd gotten away with well and truly destroying my mind. And they almost did. It was only when the rosy glasses accidentally slipped one day, and I started seeing how bass-ackwards, upside down and inside out my life was, that I could admit to my hellish reality and face it head on.
And second thing I have to say is, if you can believe that God is there despite not seeing him, that means you've never experienced abandonment as a little child, by those who are supposed to love you. If you had, your faith, as you call it, might not be so strong. You have the luxury of trust because it's never been put to the test. I come by my fear and inability to trust, honestly. I was indoctrinated in it like a cult. Which was pretty much what life as a child of dark tetrads is -a cult with them as the objects of worship.
They shatter your ability to trust and to feel loved. They curse you and make the simplest things nigh on impossible for you. They show you the face of evil and tell you it's God. I hope someday I'll be able to hear God's voice over their lies. Because for all this, I still believe that He is there. I hope someday little Marilisa will be able to hold her head up and see God smiling. Right now, she doesn't dare to because she believes all she'll see is anger and hatred.
I don't care who you are: priest, minister, rabbit, Iman, youth group leader or just pew filler, please, stop the gaslighting. If you want to help an abused traumatized kid, for the love of God, don't dump anymore ignorant judgmental shame on them. Their little hearts are breaking and broken. They can't take any more. Acknowledge that their relationship with a loving God has been completely disintegrated by their dark tetrad parents. Tell them it is not their fault. They were used and abused by bad people. Put the blame where it belongs. Love these children. Hold space for them. And confront the evil in your midst. Don't let's let another day go by without reaching out to help. Be the voice they don't have. Don't close your eyes. I'm trying to do this too.
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