Hello my friends. Listening to podcasts on narcissistic parent abuse, I came across a term I'm embarrassed to say I just heard for the first time at almost 61: the "narcissist smirk." Why am I embarrassed? I don't know. Good question. But welcome to the world of childhood trauma. Everything I did felt awkward, embarrassing, and stupid. I didn't know it or should I say accept it, but they were making me feel this way to shield them from the consequences of their own actions. What was actually embarrassing me was their oddly arrogant, self-righteously polarizing behavior. Or my uncontrollable trauma responding to that.
So getting back to the narcissist smirk. When I heard that described, I had to look up what the smirk looked like. I had an idea but it was worse than I thought, this smug, conceited, self-satisfied smile. So then, the devil on one shoulder said "your parents never did that so you must be wrong calling them narcissists." But the angel on the other said, "hold up. If you'll recall they did smirk just like that and in the circumstances described. You just didn't see it."
And I realize that the angel was right. The narcissist smirk was and is always there. I can even hear it in their voices and the memory of their voices in my head. If you know what I mean, you'll know that yes, you can hear as well as see it. Their voices ooze sardonic, contemptuous sarcasm. They words are passive-aggressive, aggressive, nasty, spiteful, bitter and cutting.
That dark tetrad condescending, holier-than-thou sneer that takes pleasure in seeing someone humiliated and attacked. They'd gag on their own tongues if they actually said a genuinely kind thing that wasn't prompted by theatrics or hidden agenda. They undermine and second-guess everything you do. They assume you are always guilty. Or they want you to think you are so they can feel better about their own shitty behavior. I was their handmaiden who just sopped up their shame and mopped up after them.
Oh yes, I am very familiar with smirking talk. And self-righteous accusations and punishment. But what about the looks? So why didn't I see the smirk? Because as I look back, I never made eye contact. I didn't want to see their faces while they were mocking, shaming, belittling, hitting, raging at, ambushing and attacking me. I didn't want to see the hatred from people who supposedly loved me. I didn't want my fears confirmed that this hell was actually God's plan for me like they said. They were damn lucky because if I had, I might have seen the evil inside.
But I was conditioned not to look. I was told to humble myself (lower myself, bend the knee and hold up my ass to be kicked). And you can be damn sure I didn't. Putting your head above the parapet got it shot. Just standing up straight was being proud and arrogant. While they strutted like showmen in a circus. I can't imagine what would have happened if I stood up for myself. It wouldn't have been good. Ironically, I've been letting myself imagine what would have happened. It's part of my self-styled therapy.
At the time, all I knew was that ugly naked rage was terrifying enough. It sprayed out all over me like battery acid. It burned and corroded me. What's weird is that I was also harassed for NOT making eye contact. I was told I must be guilty and ashamed if I couldn't look them in the eye. Fucking terrorists. But I believed them, dutiful slave that I was. I just absorbed all that into my ocean of shame.
So I didn't see it because if I'd looked I think my head would have exploded. I see now that this was my body protecting my mind from the knowledge that the many people (two parents and their partners and their kids) who called themselves my family were just venomous snakes. Yes even their kids to some extend. They weaponized family to get what they wanted. I was their daughter and sister when they expected something of me. Which was all the time. BUT I was also oddly not allowed think of them as family. I didn't even have a blasted home. I just lived in theirs. I was to have no expectations, even normal stuff kids need. They could do as they pleased and I had to just like it. I succeeded in doing that shockingly well. But never good enough to earn respect or love.
And that's where the smirk comes in. I saw it especially in my mother, her husband and my dad's wife. My dad was just flat out sociopathic. The harder I tried, the more they mocked. They thought they were so coy pulling a fast one. Look that idiot. She doesn't even get it that we have nothing but contempt for her. She just keeps dancing like a clown with a pasted on smile. Now I understand that they accomplished this at their souls' peril. They made themselves god and puppet masters. They used people and loved things. They burned through relationships like kindling. They all either are miserable or died in it. Alone. I guess that's saying something against the devil's assertion that I was making it up.
Now that I've started looking, I see how they gloated over other people's suffering. They got high on seeing people fall. They had no empathy and always pratted about how people had it coming. They actually laughed in this sickening way behind people's backs. The same people, like me, who had done so much for them. They still preach what they call God's will while living in constant unconfessed mortal sin. God must be so frustrated. My prayer is that nobody believes them and that they them for what they are.
Do I pray for the dark tetrads? Eh, sure in a general way. Should I worry more? Nah. Narcissists spend too much time worrying about themselves. The only thing more attention on them will do is hurt me. And I only have so much bandwidth and I need it for helping myself, my loved ones and all those who have been burned as I have. Yeah, I just realized it. You guys who are reading this, you're my concern. I want you to have lovely, joy-filled lives free of the suffering you've been buffering.
Love mar
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