Setting boundaries with my narcissist parents means building grey rock firewalls

Hello my friends. I'm working to heal from complex childhood post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) caused by four narcissist parents. Today I'll explore how for me, setting boundaries with my narcissist parents means building grey rock firewalls. That's not just me using as many keywords as possible. I realized that the only way to create workable boundaries with them was to erect durable walls of solid rock. Walls that are gaslighting impermeable. So terms like grey rock and firewalling are not just metaphors. They are actual processes I must initiate to keep myself safe. 

And having said that, let me just warn that this won't be popular. I won't win any People's Choice awards for best daughter. Conventional "wisdom" says we must embrace our parents, give multiple chances, forgive endlessly, hold the door open, pray for them, take care of parents when they are old, be tolerant and accepting, yada yada. Well, my life with them was anything but conventional and they were not only unwise, but also irresponsible, abusive and dangerous. Further, I've done all those things for over 60 years and it's why I'm in the mess I'm in. I've been taking care of them since I was a child while they neglected and abandoned me. It's why I have to build walls between mine and them. 

Because the usual rules of engagement with family don't apply to children of narcissist parents. We don't have the luxury of interacting safely with them because they are exploitative, malignant and manipulative. They never supported nor built us up. They tore us down and cut our legs out from under us. They humiliated, invalidated and betrayed us. They cheated on us and threw us at scary abusive people to whom they gaslit us into thinking we owed all we owed our parents. I'm beginning to see that I never owed them anything, let alone their shiny new family, especially what they hadn't earned or first given me. Like respect, care, support. 

My relationship with them was based on gaslighting, lies, distortions, deceptions, pretense and DARVO (deny reality, attack, reverse victim and offender). Family was nothing but a manufactured mirage to keep me thinking I had a place. An illusion based on their weaponized narcissistic fantasy. I existed only to serve, to be useful, to prop up, to soothe and placate. So now, any notion that I owe them a place at my table or in my life, is ludicrous. These aren't loving family members I'm shutting out but soul-destroying werewolves. 

And so, normal boundaries won't work either. Because they aren't mutually respected. While I overly respected their boundaries, even including in my own home. My mom and dad moved their new partners in and suddenly the jobless, lay-about partners was in charge. My home was no "their home, their rules." I've never really had much of a house let alone a home. It was always "theirs" and I was the unpaid live-in nanny and house elf.  And their expectations were double standard that no one but me had to live by. There's no reciprocity, no give to me only, take from me. 

And, then, they continued as they began when I got married. They have never respected me, my family, my home, nothing. They invaded, trashed, tromped on and shat all over us. Our cat died as a result of their boundary crashing. My father maliciously brought his dog in without asking, let him lunge and terrorize my cat. He thought it was funny to see Oliver terrified witless. Poor little Oliver passed away shortly afterwards, his early demise brought on by shock. I'm ashamed to say I did nothing because standing up to dad was unthinkably dangerous. 

My mother stole from us, used our place as a crash pad, booted my kids out of their room (my fault, brought on by decades of giving in to her against my better judgement). She paraded around naked in front of my sons, for some sick exhibitionist narcissist supply. My stepmother helped herself to our computer without permission and installed a chat site for luring pedophiles by posing as a child. She got angry with me for shutting it down, saying it was vital government work (!) Thank God I saw it before my kids did. Not that step-mommy dearest cared. That program infected my computer and it crashed. 

Not only did they not take me seriously as a human being, not only did they take me for granted, not only did they take advantage of me, they malignantly hurt us all, to shame me for daring to have a family of my own, outside them. They encouraged their other kids to take audacious liberties with me because "it's Mary, that's what she's there for is to use and abuse." I'm chagrined about how much I let them get away with. My only defense was that I was groomed to do this. And anything else would have been "disloyal." I wish I'd been a lot more disloyal. I wished I'd policed harsher restrictions around them. Might have saved us all years of trauma. 

Well, never too late, I guess. And I know there are misnomers about setting boundaries. We set them for ourselves, to protect ourselves. We don't tell others what to do around them, we say what we will do if our boundaries are not respected. "I won't answer my phone after 7 pm." Not "don't call me after 7."  Now, this works great in theory and with reasonable people. But narcissist parents are not reasonable. They are arrogant, entitled, Machiavellian and sometimes sadistic (note example with my cat). 

Malignant narcissist parents do exactly what they want when they want. And bonus added for them if it was something that will destabilize you. They do just what they know will hurt you. They refuse to do what you asked, just because you asked. They would never do this to anyone else whom they feared or respected. They wouldn't have thought to do it had you not in some way let them know you had a problem with it. Even if you said nothing and let them get away with it repeatedly (raising hand here). They do things for the sole purpose of hurting you. End of. 

Normal boundaries with normal people can have some wiggle room. I might answer the phone after 7 because I know the person calling isn't taking advantage and has a good reason for calling. Not so with narcissist family members. They're just testing to make me give in or so that they can find fault later that I was so "inflexible" and "selfish." They didn't want anything except to see me jump to their demands. 

Setting normal flexible boundaries with narcissists is like putting up a paper house in a Cat 5 hurricane. My new boundaries have to have the tensile strength of graphene. I have to grey rock my castle walls and fill the moat with crocodiles. I have to firewall my heart and mind against their intentional breaches. I have to make my boundaries impervious to their gaslighting about what I "owe" them, all my obligations, how I'm insensitive and callous to their needs. Yet also oversensitive about the hurt they caused. How I'm selfish, greedy, hoarding, just lucky, blah blah blah. Talk to the hand, folks cuz the ears aren't listening to your nonsense anymore. 

So I build my walls with grey rocking but even more than that.  I don't respond to her phishing texts. I don't let them trigger my over deep empathy with piteous pleas of hardship. They stole my college money and child support to fund their lifestyle. So I don't feel sorry for her anymore. I don't dole out money because she plays the self pity card. All my narcissist parents scammed and cheated their way through life. They blew through everything I gave them and still had their hands out for more. Now the Yankee milch cow has dried up. 

I don't answer questions. I don't respond to passive-aggressive hints. I don't respond to moaning about  her physical ailments. I learned long ago that she's a malingering Munchausen's syndrome (factitious disorder) case. And if she does have a legit illness, oh well, too late. Cry wolf long enough and pretty soon you deal with it alone. The most I'll say is a grey rock "sorry to hear that." Which is more compassion than she ever gave me. Is that stooping to her level? Should I be the bigger person? No, I could never stoop that low and I am the bigger person just by surviving the abuse. 

I have to guard my privacy like the national vault. No more sharing sensitive data. No more telling good news or bad. Not that they ever cared unless they could leverage it to their advantage at my expense. When I finally bought a new car for the first time in my life, at 55, my mother's only thought was "did you get a credit for your sister?" When my dad died she was only concerned with getting his social security. From a man she divorced 50 years previously. Shit like that is why I need firewalling. 

Setting boundaries is not about changing their behavior. I laugh to even think about that. AS IF! Setting boundaries is about removing myself from their gun sites, ceasing to care anymore what they do, think, want or need. It's about evicting them from living rent-free in my life. It's about protecting myself and my family. And hopefully setting up a better emotional trust fund for the next generations.