Hello my friends. I recently found a box of stuff my narcissist stepmother had saved and in it was a note my narcissist dad wrote me. Reading it brought back all the awful feelings of confusion, shame, guilt and betrayal he instilled in my. Funnily enough, it was supposed to be an apology but it was nothing of the kind. I see now it was a baffling word salad of DARVO and victim-shaming with an ulterior motive. I threw it out but here's the gist. Listen and see if you hear what's wrong with it.
"Good morning, Mary. Your stepmother was very upset that you couldn't be more helpful to her. She doesn't ask much of you. We need you to pitch in more and with a cheerful face. I know you think you have too many chores and that you are angry about it. Sometimes we feel unappreciated but we should just know that we are. Being part of a family requires sacrifice. We should be glad to be of use. As the Bible says, "serve joyfully with not thought of reward or praise." Love Dad"
For context, I was 14, and co-slept with the baby in a cramped, tiny room. There was no room for a desk or place to do homework. I had to get up with him in the night. While they had a huge bedroom large enough for two queen beds and a breakfast nook. They had an adult foster care home in which I worked, unpaid. I prepared, served and cleaned up after meals for them and the adult residents. I made their lunches and was still in the kitchen long after everyone else was watching TV.
I folded and put laundry away. I hung diapers on the line and took them in. I mopped floors on my hands and knees. I cleaned bathrooms, dusted, vacuumed and ironed. I had to babysit and couldn't have after school activities or a job. We lived way out of town and I was too busy caring for residents and their children. I had to stay up late to finish homework and be up at 5:30 to catch the bus. I had to find and pay for rides to any outside thing I did.
My dad worked nights and was completely disinterested in me outside what he could get out of me. He would mock and ridicule my hobbies and interests. My stepmother mostly sat and sulked. She didn't like being a mom let alone a stepmom. She didn't like me. So if my dad showed me any affection or tenderness, she got mad and sabotaged it with a pouting, passive-aggressive temper tantrum. Ergo the letter from my dad.
So let's dissect that letter. First, angry stepmother. I didn't know then but do now that she was always upset and I, being biddable and subservient, made a convenient scapegoat. She knew she could goad my dad to anger as well, by pouting. He didn't like her and she didn't like him. What they agreed on was that I was the source of their problems. My dad would dump on me how difficult she was while still writing me letters like that. It wasn't just one.
So as far as not doing enough for her, there really wasn't much else I could do. I have no idea in what way I'd "let her down." He wasn't very good with details, just vague accusations. She was upset, he was annoyed with her but too cowardly to confront her so he bullied me. As for my lack of "cheerful face" I was too cheerful, too obedient, too conscientious in the face of their exploitation. I don't remember ever complaining. And bear in mind, these were the least cheerful people you could imagine. The seething resentment, hostility and tension in the air was sliceable with a knife.
Which oddly, is how these selfish, arrogant narcissists were able to manipulate and gaslight me. Narcissists ignore their consciences while I was plagued by guilt. I felt responsible for everyone while they were irresponsible. They lied and twisted things to play on my overactive conscience. Did I let them down, Oh God, how?? Was I sullen, oh no, must fix that. Wouldn't want to displease anyone.
And I see now how my arrogant, judgmental, fault-finding dad had made himself a god to me. And how he indoctrinated me to think he knew my mind better than I did. How he could ferret out my sin that I was hiding. Notice how he tells me how I feel (angry) and what I think (that I have too many chores and was unappreciated). But it was all smoke and mirrors. I did have too many and they were ungrateful but I never felt or thought it but I should have.
He was speaking to himself in this letter and putting his issues on me. He knew he was responsible for his new wife, whom I never asked for nor had a say in her being shoved on me. And he was responsible to and for me. But flipped that around on me. And I believed him (though confused) because he knew everything. He was god. And notice too how he never admits they were ungrateful and demanding. He says I THOUGHT they were. So here's me, doing my best but again, scrambling to not do all these things he said I did and to do better.
And he was excusing and soothing himself while shaming me. They weren't grateful for my work and had no intention of doing anything but expecting more. Yet I was supposed to, with no evidence of it, just feel appreciated. This is how narcissists steal their kids' souls. They rewrite history, reality and basic human rules for their own ends.
The gaslighting is boggling. The bit about family being about sacrifice. Parents sacrifice in families. While I as the surrogate parent was doing all the sacrificing as they just did as they pleased. And they weren't my family, when it came to being there for me. I was their possession while also being an unwelcome nuisance. And then factor in the religious gaslighting, with all the thou shalts and shalt nots. God isn't speaking to children, about being servants. He's speaking to adults and parents.
Yet my dad made me feel solely responsible for the burdens he lay on me but did not carry. And funny my stepmom would choose that letter to save.
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