Hello my friends. I've been working on healing both from childhood trauma from narcissist parents' abuse and weight gain caused by that. Here's how I lost 100 pounds of trauma weight gain by going no contact, grey-rocking and ceasing to appease narcissist parents.
Listening to a Youtube vlog by psychologist Dr. Ramani, an essential piece of the healing puzzle fell into place. It's the idea that grey-rocking (keeping small and not attracting the attention of the narcissist) means more than just that. It means stopping the endless placating we children of narcissist parents do. We smooth and soothe their egos. While they never soothed our very normal childhood anxieties as they should have. In fact, my malignant narcissist parents (all 4) created, antagonized and weaponized my fears.
They set up situations to traumatize me, backstabbed and pitted people against me with smear campaigns and lied to and about me. My life with them has been a ceaseless merry-go-round of confusing undermining, insults and name-calling, family ambushing, deprivation and destabilization. All of which was gratuitous and blatantly uncalled for. No child deserves to live in such chaos nor does she have the wherewithal to survive it.
They wore down my resilience with barrage after barrage of humiliation, shock tactics, cutting me off from resources and basic necessities (food, sleep, safety, security, a consistent home). I never knew what was coming next. As far back as 5, I was always tired, worn down and exhausted. I was sick all the time with low-grade sinus infections, strep throat, skin problems, I had constant pain from untreated scoliosis and spina bifida. I think I would have been diagnosed with JIA (juvenile idiopathic arthritis) had someone actually bothered to care and not shame me for chronic pain. Healthcare was negligent at best. My self-care skills were non-existent both because I hadn't been taught them and that I was taught that self-care was selfish.
Looking back at pictures, I can see how worn down I was. And I can see that my childhood "chubbiness" was more than just baby fat. It was my body's way of preserving what resources I did get and protecting me against further "leveraged famine." My damaged spine meant I walked funny and stumbled a lot. It put more weight on my back. But losing weight in adolescence didn't help. I've always had back pain since I can remember.
And instead of nurturing me, my parents and their partners made it worse by demanding that I perform inappropriately dangerous and heavy housework: mopping floors on hands and knees, lugging a heavy vacuum, copious amounts of ironing and laundry. I slept in the worst possible conditions, often on floors, unheated porches and flimsy cots. I co-slept with and got up at night with their foster kids, babies and children. Which shot my sleep to hell and I still trauma nightmare every night.
Consequently I'm worn down and the very thought of structured exercise exhausts me. Because my whole life was too much work exercise. I had off the charts PMDD. Being hungry all the time is a struggle too. I sometimes overeat because I didn't get enough living at home. My physical conditions caused me to lose two babies at birth. And the non-stop depression and trauma anxiety didn't help. I've fought off suicidal thoughts all my life.
And through it all, I continued to carry everyone, all their burdens, the weight of their misdeeds and the consequences of their terrible, irresponsible choices. Part of how I lost 100 pounds was by metaphorically losing about 1,000 pounds of combined weight of four demanding, entitled, arrogant, malicious narcissist parents. I have set down the responsibility to and for them, that they groomed me to be.
I did that by grey-rocking AND also as Dr. Ramani says, no longer humoring them. Because grey-rocking alone is actually more harmful than reacting + catering to them. We the victims do all the work. We keep small, don't react, stay calm and bite our tongue but still rush to soothe the narcissist when they demand it. They get all the perks from us forgiveness, tolerance, silencing our needs and wants WHILE still getting their egos stroked by us. What I found I had to do was to stay quiet in all situations not just the ones they said to. When they pout, whine to me, sulk or demand help or just reach out, I stay silent too. I don't reach back. I don't dance attendance on the narcissist parents. I treat all contact with the same nonchalant lack of attention.
And that I could only accomplish by going no contact. Completely. Not just when it suits them. Not making exceptions for Christmas or Mother's Day or whenever someone wants to borrow money, needs a ride, etc. I don't respond to texts or "fishing." I don't give information about myself, good or bad. I don't share or reach out. And when they try to, I just let the ball drop. Part of how I lost 100 pounds is to lose the feelings of FOG (fear of, obligation to, guilt over the narcissists). They wanted me silent, well, I am now radio silent. I'm working to develop an IDK-IDC attitude (I don't know and I don't care).
As for forgiveness, the best I've got for them is that I won't pursue revenge. Which to me is probably the best definition of forgiveness. Anything else, such as exoneration, would just enable and entitle them to hurt me more. Even if they were sorry which they'll never be. Me not punishing is as good as they'll get from me. No more "it's all good" or "you're fine." It's not and they aren't. They are the cause of most of my problems. No more taking on myself the results of their actions. No more body blocking.
Now, not only do I not respond to baiting, I don't respond to anything. No texts, FB messages, calls, etc. Because on some level all communication is and always has been baiting. My responding even in the most innocuous way, provides her with a chink in my wall. Which as my husband just pointed out, is what the notion of grey-rocking is about, putting up a wall. Other similar terms are firewalling, protective measures which prevent sensitive data from being damaged. It's mental boundaries the victim erects to guard against the bullying narcissist triggering harmful trauma responses. Which a big one is letting down the guard and allowing the narcissist back in to harm. Extending forgiveness can do that. Narcissists see it as dismantling of boundaries which allows them to breach the victim and perpetuate the hurt.
And now that I've built solid walls, I can proceed freely. This freedom enables me to move ahead with my life, without any obligation to and expectation from them. I am ignoring them, basically. And one thing a narcissist cannot stand is to be ignored.
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