Hello my friends. I've been working to sort out issues from CPTSD caused by four narcissist parents and their narcissistic new families. Today I'm exploring bizarre cringy, attention-seeking things narcissist parents do and say to humiliate, confuse and destabilize you. And boy, once you start dismantling the weird world narcissist parents created for you, the more disturbing things you unearth. I've written about some of these odd behaviors before but today I realized how attention-seeking and downright exhibitionist they are. Typically we think of exhibitionist as more sexual in nature and I certainly dealt with a lot of that from my narcissist parents, but exhibitionism takes in more than just sexual. I'll explain.
1) Parading around naked or bragging about it. Both my parents did this when I was young and later in life. When I was 6 I asked why daddy had a tail. To this day, my mother talks freely to anyone who will listen about her genitalia. She prides herself on sleeping naked and will announce it at public gatherings. You might think she's just off her rocker, but those of us who know her, know there's more to it. She also fancies herself licensed minister (she isn't) and loudly decries seductive or immoral behavior. I have come to the conclusion after decades of embarrassment, that she does this with the specific attention-seeking intent of making everyone uncomfortable and luring men into lustful thoughts and then pitting her volatile, pathologically jealous husband against them by suggesting so and so "hit on her." She did this with her boyfriend's friends. She did this to my boyfriends. She did this to my husband. She did this with my paternal grandfather, accusing him of sexually molesting her. Her husband actually went to my grandparents' home (they were in their 80s) and verbally attacked them and threatened physical abuse. The only reason the police weren't called is that my grandfather was a placatory person, like me. There were so many times I could have alerted the authorities to my mother's and her husband's actions.
2) Violent unprovoked outbursts of rage at family gatherings. Youtube psychologist and childhood trauma specialist Patrick Teahan did an excellent talk on this kind of narcissist parent behavior. It made me feel so sad for kids who witnessed that. And it took me until today, to realize that I'd experienced this from my mother and father and their new partners many times. One Christmas, my dad exploded on me in front of about 30 people, because I'd gone to the bathroom to try on my new sweater. Everyone was horrified. I almost threw up I was so upset. No one did a thing. No one checked or confronted him. So he felt entitled to do it again whenever he needed narcissistic supply. Which was a lot.
3) Purposely doing shocking and even disgusting things for pity and attention. (this one is not for the faint-hearted) You've heard of people self-harming for attention My mother told me story of how she let her period blood "run down her legs" when she and my dad were at a friend's house. She says she was too shy to ask to use the bathroom and that my dad got "angry" with her. My is many things: shy is not one. She is loud, bombastic and even brags that she loves "shocking people." She got the attention she craves but everyone was entirely weirded out. And my dad (who is an angry person) most likely felt upset she didn't say something, vaguely guilty for somehow not knowing and utterly embarrassed that she'd made fools of them both. Which is what she wanted, I've come to see.
4) Violent outbursts when the victim is vulnerable. My dad and stepdad didn't have much in common except my mom, narcissism and a propensity ambush or attack me when I was most vulnerable. That's how coward bullies operate. My stepdad attacked and threatened me several times, once when I was holding a foster baby, one of four kids under 5 I was responsible to care for at night (at 11, way too young). Another time I was holding my newborn daughter. Before you ask (which you probably aren't', but yanno, voices in my head) no I didn't do anything to provoke him except perhaps accidentally wake him up. But either way, he was always ready to attack me. Another time my dad flew into a tantrum, ran across the room, grabbed me and started beating me. I was 13. Again, unprovoked. As if there is any provocation for attacks like that. It shocked everyone watching. Malignant attention-seeking narcissists always make sure there is an audience to witness your humiliation.
5) Calling people by degrading nicknames, slurs, saying outrageously insulting things. My mom's husband loved to call me "Blisters" (in reference to my small breast size). My mother would smirk, preen herself (she loves talking about her breasts) and laugh along. The only one who didn't was my boyfriend now husband. He's the one who helped me see that this is sexual harassment. My dad would insult my clothing choices telling me loudly to "change your clothes you look ridiculous." I wore plaid pants like the Bay City Rollers. My dad wore plaid pants too, but I guess that was different. My mom's husband has an ethnic slur for everyone and she laughs it off. My grandparents to him were "ignorant dikes" (an old slur for people from Holland). Yet my mom made a big stink about "people" (no idea who, she generalizes a lot) calling Kentuckians "hillbillies." She made an exaggerated silly Facebook post about it. Then when we went to the doctor's office she loudly said of the PA "she's so SKINNY!" Yet if anyone called her fat, she'd be furious.
6) Shouting at religious worship services, ceremonies or somber events including funerals. She will yell "HALLELUJAH or "PRAISE THE LORD! at the top of her lungs at a funeral. But she's not at one of her Assembly of God meetings where they do that. It's at our Catholic church where we don't. Or at my family of origin's Dutch Reformed churches where they don't. It. Is. Mortifying. I never had the guts to check her and it's one of the reasons I've gone no contact with them. Not the biggest one, but one. She doesn't do it to actually praise God (I think even He's embarrassed). She is attention-seeking and also trying to show up people who are quieter and more reverent. She says SHE's not ashamed of God (like we are, supposedly). I've heard other people say weird stuff like this about how they are LOUD and PROUD of God. No you're just an attention-seeking loudmouth trying to make others uncomfortable.
7) Dressing provocatively or oddly. I'm not talking show cleavage. I don't care if someone wears a shirt cut to South America. I'm talking about wearing very occasion-inappropriate clothing like obviously scruffy clothes to a wedding, just to shame the bride and groom. Or to get pity. Or trying to outshine the bride by wearing a bridal type dress. My mother has done both. And if only she just did that. But no, she takes it nuclear wearing nightgowns that are obviously nightgowns. The kind with little bows. Cringe. It's not a matter of wearing something that could be taken for street clothing. She goes out of her way to find the nightgowniest nightgown and wear it to her great-granddaughter's baptism where everyone is nicely dressed. She has been doing this so long that back when the extended family got together at holidays they put out a dress code with the invite. Not that any of us needed it--just my exhibitionist mother and her bunch.
8) Shunning or obviously excluding people with strange remarks. My mother made a point that when she came to my house to see her grandchildren, she would always say "I have to get home to MY family." She always boasts in front of me how "her family" took her out to dinner for her birthday. Me and mine weren't invited. She did this at the doctor that last time I took her. Then told me that I could take her out separately. I was to know in no uncertain terms that she had her shiny new family that did NOT include me. That I was her daughter only for her convenience. She was not my mother. She's been doing that since she divorced my dad when I was 6. No actually she has excluded me all my life.
9) Doing outrageously bizarre things to humiliate. This is the cake-smearing, stupid pranking type mentality. My mom's coup de grace was throwing a pie in my face at her company work party that she had invited me and my children to attend. Then her daughter had to grab a pie and throw it at my son, to start a food fight. It was not that type of event. The pies were for a pie-eating contest that only she and her daughter were participating in. No one else was interested in making fools of themselves, including me. My kids and a few others wanted to but I was reluctant to let them. I think pie eating contests are gross and it seems others felt likewise. . I think she felt stupid because no one else wanted to. But instead of just quietly acceding to public opinion she had to punish me. Her jackass husband the only on laughing, then got mad at me for "not being able to take a joke." He had loudly announced if anyone threw one at him, he'd kick their ass. This was not that type of event. It was classy and nice until my buffoon mother, her daughter and husband decided to take the tone down. Strangers were rushing over to help me and the kids because they felt badly for us.
10) Calling people out publicly, picking fights, haranguing, street preaching, "witnessing", solicitation and exhibitionist type acts done in the name of religion. I list this last because it's the most gaslighty-weird. They call it "saving souls." I call it intimidating people. Basically these narcissists will approach or even attack random passers-by with whatever agenda they are selling. If the person doesn't answer with whatever their little code phrase is, they will browbeat them. If you're my age, you might remember the Moonies who gave out (sold) flowers at airports. That's not what I mean (though it was disingenuous to offer them and then expect payment). This is heckling. You know, the kind who show up at community concert telling you you're all going to hell. These people are not protesting. They are not even spreading the word of God. They are antagonistic exhibitionists who love to be the center of attention. I've been with my mother when she got it in her head to "confront" people she deemed needed calling out. Out of the blue. It was none of her business and freakishly awkward.
But the best offense against these people is a good defense. If you know someone like this, be prepared. When they go into their shenanigans ignore them. Walk don't run, away. Don't give them airspace. Not out of some gaslighted need to "rise above" or be the bigger person. Uh-uh. You already are the bigger person. Ignore them because that's what they hate when don't give them the attention they crave. Then just stand back and watch them gape for air. You can give them a little smirk and a head shake if you like.
Now for children or with aggressive attacks this is different. Kids need and ally and if an adult is attacking BE THAT ALLY. Stick your neck out. If just one person had stood up for me, I'd be in a healthier place now. If you are being attacked, don't back down or cower. Stand your ground and tell them loud and clear that they are out of line. Don't curse or namecall. Just put them on notice.
But be sure you are safe. If I had the situation to do over when I had my daughter, I'd have gone to the neighbor, asked to use the phone, called the police and my husband and told them that my mom's husband had attacked me. Then no matter what the police did, I'd have said, this is the last time you will ever do that again. And I would have gone no contact then and there.
One way or another, there is about a 95% chance they will back down because bullies are craven cowards. But in situations as egregiously bad as that, it doesn't matter if they do or don't. Some things you can't and shouldn't come back from. One and done.
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