Hey friends. I'm going to start with a very frank admission. As an adult child with CPTSD from Christian narcissist parent abuse, I don't have much use for churches or Christians. I'm don't hold God responsible as such for their behavior. I've been told that through all their abuse and neglect he was there with me (by people who weren't there and didn't experience what I experienced. And they may be right. I don't have a lot of memories besides bad ones. But I can remember this. It was just me in those situations and I didn't feel like anyone was there. No family. Neither of my parents. Not their new people. No church or friends. And that was a bitch.
When I say I have little use for church, I'm not trying to sound above it all. I didn't arrive at this from any esoteric, intellectual quest but from a lifetime of pain, suffering, abandonment, endangerment, manipulation, exploitation, parentification, invalidation, cruelty, deprivation, humiliation. From living in in the impossible hypocritical double standards of four malignant narcissist parents who were supposed to love me but didn't. I was their scapegoat. Nothing about the lives of normal people was part of mine. The only consistency was chaos. I had to earn any good thing I needed with unreasonable demands that I never managed to meet. I was a slot machine always paying out at my expense.
So the nice Bible stories, prayers, songs and sermons never seem to apply to me. I can't hear the love in scripture because I was raised to make my selfish arrogant parents gods. I don't hate anyone. I just don't get anything much from religion besides more shame and pain. Because, and let me be clear about this, most church people don't know jackshit about childhood trauma. And they care even less. I've been so damaged by so many "christians" in so many churches through my 61 years that I doubt I'll ever recover fully.
My parents gaslit everyone, calling themselves Christians while treating me in ways completely contrary to the Bible. They lived immoral lives and were completely neglectful of me in the name of religion. They left me alone in strange places starting at age 4, so they could do their "mission work." I have no idea what they did because I was never part of it. I was along for the arm candy I could provide.
So all these sweet sounding injunctions about how to get along with people and how I'm supposed to act as this brain damaged kid. Most of it is irrelevant and best and toxic gaslighting and abuse at the core. Stuff like, kill them with kindness, rise above, be the bigger person, forgive. If you've been abuse you know that you already did and do all these things and it makes the narcissists more entitled and abusive.
So before anyone even begins to try to advise a child or adult child of narcissist parents, they need to know their audience. Read the room. Watch this child's behavior. Listening won't tell you much because we abused kids are just one big trauma response, mostly fawning. We will not give you the real story about how they treat us. But it's there if you look.
And please for God's sake stop with the toxic positivity horse crap. Actually don't do this with any child or any adult who comes to you humbly seeking help. If all you have is your religion's patois save it. Remember, fools rush in (with advice) where angels fear to tread. Just admit to them that you don't have experience with this but that you care and will hold space for them. Know that these are people who are hurting from decades of abuse. VALIDATE them because no one else has.
Also know that suicide is off the charts high among kids who've suffered narcissistic parent abuse an neglect. Especially those of us whose parents said they did this in the name of God. We've endured so much deceit, shame, cruelty and gaslighting. Pause to consider that you may be their last hope before they end it for good. Do you really want to assist them on their way out the door?
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