Hello my friends. I am exhausted and I have been for as long as I can remember. I could sleep 12 hours and wake up more tired than when I went to bed. I can't breathe when I sleep. I wake up choking. I nightmare all night long. This is not laziness. This is from chronic expectation, demands and abuse from narcissistic parents that has followed me all my life. My brain hurts from the constant gaslighting, invalidation and shaming.
Normal things require far more energy than they should. I don't eat right because my stomach hurts and if I do eat, I can't stay awake. Every muscle aches and burns. This is not exaggerated. It's downplayed. I've felt like this all my life but it took me 6 decades to articulate it. And I've not let it slow me down. I'm the power through girl because I had to be. There was no excuse my mom and her husband or dad and his wife would except for not doing their work.
And I do mean their work. My "duties" as a kid were not kid appropriate. I had far more chores than anyone else I knew. I see now that I didn't just do my work but everyone's. And under conditions that no one should have had to do. For example, twice a week, I had to mop the floor on my hands and knees when mops were readily available and cheap. If they'd done it themselves they'd have used one. And they made me vacuum with huge heavy antiquated vacuum when everyone else's family had a lightweight upright. So it must have been some kind of sadistic thing watching me crawling around with a rag or lugging a heavy industrial size vacuum. My dad would say "well I have to use this, you can too." But he didn't. Nobody did but me.
I had to make supper and clean it up, set and clear the table and do dished, plus make lunches for everyone. I was still in the kitchen at 8pm while everyone was in front of the TV. And I still had all my homework to do. I wasn't able to participate in any after school activities because there were always chores to be done. I had to babysit whenever they demanded it. I had to co-sleep with their babies because my dad and his wife "needed their rest." I was locked in with one of them.
And then there was all the ironing to be done. And clothes to fold. My husband he remembers helping me fold clothes while my siblings played and my stepmother watched TV. In fact, she'd sit there on the couch ignoring the three baskets of clothing waiting for me to get home from night classes in college s o I could fold them. I was taking a full load of classes plus teaching full time and doing homework. And I was still responsible for them.
I also had to clean the bathroom (including when they had a foster care home, cleaning up after four adult men). I was responsible for dusting their furniture, feeding the pets and cleaning the cat box. I had to help shovel snow. I had to help put groceries away. I changed diapers and bathed the children. I read them stories and tucked them in. I got to thinking not too long ago. If I did all that what other housework was there to do? And I realized, nothing more. My step mother did nothing. My half siblings did nothing. My stepfather did nothing. My mom and dad puttered. So I feel justified in saying that I ran their households.
But I didn't understand that till just recently. My husband has persistently said that they overworked me and subjected me to inhuman conditions no one else in my two families lived with. I was exploited and manipulated, parentified and scapegoated while also being abused and neglected. And now I have the back, hip, shoulder and neck problems to prove it. And autoimmune and arthritis and breathing problems. These didn't just start. I've had them for as long as I can recall.
It's frustrating because now I can't enjoy the things I should be able to because I'm so burned out. That's the image for it, too. Not just burned but burnt out. Used up. I've cut contact with my narcissistic parents but they still have a hold over me from all the gaslighting, invalidation and deprivation. I would love to let it go and I have but it won't let me go. I'm writing a lot about this now to try to evict them from my life. To purge the indoctrination, the trauma memories.
And yes, before you say it, I've prayed. Oh how I've prayed. And I'm too empty to have any more words. I'm tired. I just want to sleep well and heal from all this. My narcissistic parents have never suffered any consequences. They just maintain their entitled arrogant denial of it all. My mother endlessly lies and distorts. It's bad enough to be abused as a child and teen but for the abuse to continue hurting the victim and never the perpetrator is just so wrong.
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